As the year draws to a close a fresh batch of parents contemplate the transition of emptying the family nest. Their children finish their schooling and study ready to venture out into the big wide world, away from the family home. Are you one of those parents?
As much as you would like to set up a spy camera, install a listening device to tap into their conversations or literally pack up and move in with your empty nested child; none of these forms of surveillance are going to be helpful or realistic as your child moves independently into the world.
That doesn’t mean you don’t feel a deep angst and certain level of anxiety for them, particularly in the initial stages of separation. It is not surprising. Each day for the past eighteen or so years you have had the opportunity for daily interaction at the dinner table or sitting on the living room couch. You’ve been making their meals, washing clothes and prompting their routines and forgetfulness as they have walked out the door to school.
‘Suddenly they are not physically there anymore and a void that fills the shape of them takes up residence instead’
Self-reflection
You walk past their surprisingly neat bedroom, open laundry baskets with loads that have shrunk and admire fridges that are full. Tiny increments of your daily life become reminders of their absence. All of a sudden you are no longer the authors of their life story. You have used your parenting style to instill direction through each of the previous chapters. Now it is time for them to ‘explore where the puzzle pieces fit in their lives‘. Hopefully some of the foundational parts of the puzzle will serve as a useful guide for their daily ‘inner voice’ around the choices they make.
What inner resources can you, as a parent, cultivate for this inevitable transition?
Acceptance – Knowing that you have done all that you can as a parent to your child. Our job description was always a guide. We need to believe we did a ‘good enough’ job with the circumstances and understandings we had at the time. No parent is ever perfect and the accolades are few.
In reality we have limited influence from now on. The all encompassing early stages of physical care and emotional support are over. Each birthday for the child brings them closer to their ability to be their own person, separate to us. In response, our sphere of influence has gradually decreased as the additional voices of their peers and the wider world become integrated into their perspectives and opinions. Each new experience going forward – whether an acknowledgement or a setback, becomes theirs to own.
Trust – As parents we need to trust that we have provided strategies that will enable our children to navigate life on their own. Hopefully we have given sufficient practical guidance to equip them with the inevitable challenges and ‘bumps’ along the way. We know from our own experience of young adulthood that it is rare if the journey is smooth. In loving family relationships they will know that we are able to provide that listening ear and impart further guidance and support when asked for. What we need to avoid is critical judgement of their efforts towards independence.
Developing Equanimity – We are all on our own life path, as are our children. It is important not to over-react to what surfaces for us emotionally around the ‘empty nest’. This may include worry, anxiety, sleepless nights and the desire to know what’s happening in their lives 24 hours of the day. See these as normal reactions to change. Give yourself self-compassion by acknowledging emotions that arise without being pre-occupied with them. Instead try to cultivate a sense of calm, love and acceptance for this transition.
Realistic View – Acknowledge that there are risk factors in the young adult phase of life. It is not until around the mid-twenties that our children’s brains finally reach maturity. There is likely to be patches of impulsivity and poor decision making. They may experience feelings of uncertainty and at times reassess and redirect their path. Yet it is very rare that our children will risk ‘falling off the game board’ all together at this time in their lives.
As a parent, take the pressure of them getting it right all the time. Be supportive, but also be aware of the need to set boundaries on physical or financial support if their life choices are negatively impacting your family. In this situation, don’t blame yourself, as it is tough being the parent. Instead look at the situation as one to solve as a family with the mentality of a ‘We’ framework – asking ‘what can we do to help you?’ Communicate how their attitudes and behaviour are hurting or impacting others and create a ‘whole village’ support network so you are not doing this in isolation.
Resist comparing your own child’s trajectory through young adulthood with others. Some make great headway in their twenties, while others gain a firmer hold on their life direction later on. As parents, we are often just relieved to see them continually navigating life, on their own terms, while cheering them on from the sideline.
When our children come into our lives it feels like a profound journey for ourselves. In the early days we build skills to support our children – love, patience, selflessness and commitment. As they become increasingly independent from us they prepare us for the inevitable transition out of active parenting. A different set of skills and resources are called on for with this next stage of life’s journey.
