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5 Things I have Learnt this Year

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December is a special time of year. It’s a time for reflection and also a time to plan for new beginnings. As I reflect on this year, several things come to mind. Some are from my own life experience and others from observing what is happening in the world. It has been a challenging year for most of us, yet we have made it to its end. In the process hopefully we have gained more understanding and inner resources to take us into 2022.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

Here are my top five reflections of 2021.

1. Life is short and unpredictable.

The one thing we can be certain of is change. Not all of it is welcomed or expected. In our own family we have dealt with the death of loved ones and also serious, unexpected medical conditions. For me it has crystallised the importance of telling those around us we love them. To mend harsh words spoken and maintain contact, particularly when we can’t physically be together.

Live life fully and with gratitude. If this year has taught us anything it has been that we are surrounded by so much, yet are largely unaware of being thankful for all we have. Whether it’s the ready availability of what we physically need, living in comfortable environments or accessing enjoyable experiences. This year has also highlighted the disadvantage experienced by others. The vulnerabilities of losing a job, living on the breadline, uncertain housing and declining mental health. What we become aware of we can no longer ignore. It’s important to advocate for and support others.

2. Healing is our life work.

We are often unaware of the impact of our past. This is particularly in relationship to insecurities we have developed during childhood. Parenting is not an exact science, it involves fallible, human interaction. Our parents, trying to meet a variety of competing demands, inevitably fall short on delivering our basic needs for safety, satisfaction and connection. We are also born with a certain temperament that is continually moulded by our family of origin and our childhood experiences. Challenges that remain unresolved get carried into our adulthood.

Trauma, whether physical or emotional, can occur at any time in our lives. The process of healing requires us to be conscious, motivated and self-directed. It requires time and patience. What we don’t heal or repair, particularly emotionally, persists. It continues to colour our lives and our interactions with others.

The wonderful thing is healing is available to us.  With mindful awareness we can change our internal nervous system responses and neuroplasticity allows us to rewire our brain connections. It becomes possible to view the past through a different, ‘supportive adult’ lens. Having compassion and a wider understanding of situations surrounding previous challenges in our lives. To know we are ‘all right, right now’, basically o.k. and have grown inner resources to support our well-being.

3. Be your best advocate. It’s too easy to blame others for our troubles. Too often we can remain quiet and ruminate about life not turning out how we had wished. It’s so important to keep a sense of healthy boundaries within our relationships. To voice our own needs and make decisions that resonate with who we are. Often underlying our silence is a long history of people pleasing and the need to be liked and accepted by others. It requires motivation and courage to change this habit. I’ve learnt the world doesn’t crumble when you speak up. If anything, it opens up respectful conversation with others.

 4. Listen to the perspective of others. We need to listen to each other aware that there are many touchpoints of life experience that have brought us to each conversation. I have particularly gained awareness that our viewpoints are never black and white. They are nuanced with many shades of grey in between.

Some of my close friends have had different views on vaccination and our country’s pandemic response. Initially I distanced myself unsure of how to respond. Then I made a point of reaching out to them to engage in conversation. What I’ve found is deep, considered layers of perspective based on their life experience. I gained a fresh understanding of how they reached their opinions. I also sensed the difficulties they have faced this year living with alternate viewpoints to the mainstream messaging.

5. We have experienced a collective challenge. These past two years have been tough for us all. From the elderly who were most vulnerable to the virus to our youngest children who have experienced a watered down childhood with less ability to explore and connect with others. In between have been adolescents, young adults and parents who have been uniquely challenged by the ambiguities of home schooling, unsecure employment and housing, isolation and thwarted life plans.

We are not out of the woods yet with this pandemic and the path ahead is still uncertain. Yet it has been a time to slow down and reflect on our own priorities. A time to build inner strengths such as resourcefulness, compassion and resilience to meet the challenges we’ve faced. In a sense, we have all been in this together, being moulded and changed through our experience. Hopefully in 2022 we can be a kinder and more inclusive society.

As you reflect on the year, what are the things you have learnt? I look forward to your comments.

Four Inner Resources for Empty Nest Parents

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As the year draws to a close a fresh batch of parents contemplate the transition of emptying the family nest. Their children finish their schooling and study ready to venture out into the big wide world, away from the family home. Are you one of those parents?

As much as you would like to set up a spy camera, install a listening device to tap into their conversations or literally pack up and move in with your empty nested child; none of these forms of surveillance are going to be helpful or realistic as your child moves independently into the world.

Photo by Some Tale on Unsplash

That doesn’t mean you don’t feel a deep angst and certain level of anxiety for them, particularly in the initial stages of separation. It is not surprising. Each day for the past eighteen or so years you have had the opportunity for daily interaction at the dinner table or sitting on the living room couch. You’ve been making their meals, washing clothes and prompting their routines and forgetfulness as they have walked out the door to school.

‘Suddenly they are not physically there anymore and a void that fills the shape of them takes up residence instead’

Self-reflection

You walk past their surprisingly neat bedroom, open laundry baskets with loads that have shrunk and admire fridges that are full. Tiny increments of your daily life become reminders of their absence. All of a sudden you are no longer the authors of their life story. You have used your parenting style to instill direction through each of the previous chapters. Now it is time for them to ‘explore where the puzzle pieces fit in their lives‘. Hopefully some of the foundational parts of the puzzle will serve as a useful guide for their daily ‘inner voice’ around the choices they make.

What inner resources can you, as a parent, cultivate for this inevitable transition?

Acceptance – Knowing that you have done all that you can as a parent to your child. Our job description was always a guide. We need to believe we did a ‘good enough’ job with the circumstances and understandings we had at the time. No parent is ever perfect and the accolades are few.

In reality we have limited influence from now on. The all encompassing early stages of physical care and emotional support are over. Each birthday for the child brings them closer to their ability to be their own person, separate to us. In response, our sphere of influence has gradually decreased as the additional voices of their peers and the wider world become integrated into their perspectives and opinions. Each new experience going forward – whether an acknowledgement or a setback, becomes theirs to own.

Trust – As parents we need to trust that we have provided strategies that will enable our children to navigate life on their own. Hopefully we have given sufficient practical guidance to equip them with the inevitable challenges and ‘bumps’ along the way. We know from our own experience of young adulthood that it is rare if the journey is smooth. In loving family relationships they will know that we are able to provide that listening ear and impart further guidance and support when asked for. What we need to avoid is critical judgement of their efforts towards independence.

Developing Equanimity – We are all on our own life path, as are our children. It is important not to over-react to what surfaces for us emotionally around the ‘empty nest’. This may include worry, anxiety, sleepless nights and the desire to know what’s happening in their lives 24 hours of the day. See these as normal reactions to change. Give yourself self-compassion by acknowledging emotions that arise without being pre-occupied with them. Instead try to cultivate a sense of calm, love and acceptance for this transition.

Realistic View – Acknowledge that there are risk factors in the young adult phase of life. It is not until around the mid-twenties that our children’s brains finally reach maturity.  There is likely to be patches of impulsivity and poor decision making.  They may experience feelings of uncertainty and at times reassess and redirect their path. Yet it is very rare that our children will risk ‘falling off the game board’ all together at this time in their lives.

As a parent, take the pressure of them getting it right all the time. Be supportive, but also be aware of the need to set boundaries on physical or financial support if their life choices are negatively impacting your family. In this situation, don’t blame yourself, as it is tough being the parent. Instead look at the situation as one to solve as a family with the mentality of a ‘We’ framework – asking ‘what can we do to help you?’ Communicate how their attitudes and behaviour are hurting or impacting others and create a ‘whole village’ support network so you are not doing this in isolation.

Resist comparing your own child’s trajectory through young adulthood with others. Some make great headway in their twenties, while others gain a firmer hold on their life direction later on. As parents, we are often just relieved to see them continually navigating life, on their own terms, while cheering them on from the sideline.

When our children come into our lives it feels like a profound journey for ourselves. In the early days we build skills to support our children – love, patience, selflessness and commitment. As they become increasingly independent from us they prepare us for the inevitable transition out of active parenting. A different set of skills and resources are called on for with this next stage of life’s journey.

Life Beyond The Nest

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Although it has been quite a few years since my own children became independent, I know others who are experiencing the emptying of their family ‘nest’. It’s a time when our children head off to live or study elsewhere, no longer a daily presence in our lives. One thing I found with my own empty nesting experience was a distinct lack of guidance and support around this transition. There were plenty of books about parenting and raising children, but not so much about rediscovering self-identity and purpose after the role was complete. For me, it became a personal journey of discovery.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

As our children reach young adulthood it’s a time when we may finally feel contented with our parenting ability. We have a sense we have figured it out, only to find ourselves devoid of an active role in rearing our children. We are left questioning who we are and what our current value is to the world.

“An empty nest is designed to be filled again. Just not with the same flock. Allow it to attract new, creative abundance”

Layla Morgan Wilde

As women, we are transformed by motherhood. We are no longer a child ourselves; we are now the parent of a child. Dr Britta Bushnell, childbirth educator and Douala, observed we are facing the death of our own innocence, selfishness and immaturity. At the time of our first child’s birth we realize the enormity of the task of being fully and completely responsible for the welfare and well being of another human being. We do it through trial and error and sleepless nights, evolving our role with the ever changing needs of our family. As Britta remarks, we face the possibility of being ‘mortally wounded in many ways’ with the intense loving bond we create.

As our children progressively leave the family home there is a need to review and rediscover who we are.  To shed the responsibilities that have dominated our life. It’s a time to find the woman we want to be again.

Here are some reflections to help you explore this journey: –

Rest: – After the physical tiredness of decades of mothering it is a time to rest for a while. To give up what was the focus of your life and to allow yourself to create a new foundation for the journey ahead. Instead of creating new ‘To Do’ lists straight away, give yourself permission to relax and take your time. You have earnt this respite to reflect on your mother role, gain clarity and a renewed sense of purpose. Then you are better placed to take action toward personal change.

Remember:- Ask yourself who and what have been neglected through those years. What gifts were not utilized while you were in the throws of motherhood? Perhaps it is a time to rekindle the romance with your partner. It is also a time to remember perhaps the young woman you were before parenting. Who was she? What were her passions, traits, those things that gave her enjoyment, peace and contentment? Find ways to actively instill these parts of yourself back into your life. You are more than your previous roles and identity.

Reduce Your Responsibility : – You can begin to take less responsibility for others. Your young adult ‘children’ will need to assume responsibility for their own choices and day to day decisions. They will falter and make errors of judgement, just as we all did. Acknowledge that you have done the best job possible to prepare them for adulthood.  

Reset Your Role : – As children leave home to venture into the world our concept of ‘family’ changes. Our role, once all-encompassing, can become one that is more supportive and advisory.  By focusing on yourself you can allow a new identity to emerge that is personal, authentic and independent of others. It is a wonderful time for your children to see you as a distinct person separate from being their mother. A woman who is vulnerable and has her own perspective on life. The use of ritual to celebrate this ’empty nesting’ transition is powerful.

Prioritize Yourself :- Prioritize you own needs and attend to you own welfare and well-being. You will find there is more opportunity for adventure, creativity and discovery of your ‘inner child’. It may be time to take more care with your physical health and well-being. You may also want to return to study, volunteer or create a new business. This is your time to make new personal life decisions.

This coming year I am introducing a six week series of Women’s Circle specifically to support women to discover themselves beyond the empty nest. I’d like to guide and encourage you. Something I couldn’t find when I was going through this transition myself.

If this sounds interesting to you, email me at jan@healingthematriarch.com  I also encourage you to join the Healing the Matriarch Community private Facebook group. A space where women can delve deeper into the content of each blog.

Taking life on the Road

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We began our journey of mobile motorized adventure before our retirement. In 2009, we made the decision to hire a motorhome from Brisbane, Queensland Australia to the far northern tropical city of Cairns. The trip took us along the major coastal highway over a week. We hadn’t anticipated how this experience would quickly build our love of these ‘home on wheels’ and the adventures that would open up to us. In a sense our love affair with living fully contained on the road would mirror our retirement journey. One of testing the waters and then embracing this way of life.

Dabbling in the Experience

Our search began online for a potential hire for our Queensland holiday. We chose a motorhome in our budget for a seven day hire and began to plan the various towns and attractions we wanted to visit along the way. When we arrived at the hire business in Brisbane we were pleasantly surprised to find we had been upgraded to a brand new four berth model Apollo. First stop for us was to visit friends on the Sunshine Coast and nothing seemed to compare to the spectacular vantage point from the cabin as we motored along the highway.

We realized that there was a ‘motorhome community’. The obligatory wave and smile as you greeted another motorhome coming the other way. A knowing between like minded souls. The camaraderie that was shared at caravan parks at the end of the days drive. Shared ‘cocktail hours’ and conversations.

Our landscape slowly changed from densely populated areas to large country towns. From country to coastal strips. The beauty of reversing up to the edge of the Pacific Ocean and preparing a lunch in our vehicle was not lost on us. Self contained for each hour of the day. A home away from home.

When we finally arrived in Cairns we were reluctant to drop off our hire. Such a wonderful experience of our taster now remembered through a photo book we created.

Queensland Hire
Motorhome Owners
USA Hire
Downsized Weekender

Motorhome Owners

Now convinced of the benefits of a motorhome we began researching our options to purchase one. We visited a variety of companies and investigated their display vehicles. One particularly took our interest, the Winnebago Esperance. It had a roomy interior, great bathroom configuration and an electric drop down bed at the rear above the dining table. We were sold.

When we took ownership we started with some short trips venturing an hour or two for several days. It was a good opportunity to learn the intricacies of the vehicle and to fine tune any minor issues such as successful storage in the kitchen to avoid movement while travelling.

With more confidence we ventured further. Traversing back up the Queensland coast several times. We travelled regional parts of the country, across the Nullabor for an extended trip in Western Australia and across on the Spirit of Tasmania to circumnavigate this small island state of Australia. Each experience opened up something new and an awareness of the diverse beauty of our country.

The motorhome was also used for our son’s bridal party transport and as accommodation on site at home when our children and grandchildren visited. Later in our time of ownership we hired it out on the Camplify platform to others who also experienced the joy of this type of holidaying.

” I haven’t been everywhere yet, but it’s on my list”

Susan Sontag

Overseas Adventure

In 2013 we took an extended holiday to Canada and the United States of America. Part of our time we wanted to incorporate motorhome travel. We picked up our hire near Washington and took it through Virginia, North and South Carolina and finally into Florida.

What a wonderful way to see the beautiful National Parks and coastline of these states. Our final destination was a week at Disney World, Orlando Florida staying at their large 750 acre campground, Fort Wilderness Resort. This provided easy access to all theme parks and had amazing onsite amenities.

We noticed a few issues with the battery system to the motorhome on a day we were headed to one of the theme parks, which also happened to be our wedding anniversary. We notified the hire company and they gave us a local truck dealership to seek advice. The dealership planned to check out the issue while we were out for the day.

On our return late that afternoon we were confronted with no motorhome on our campsite. It had been towed away with all our belongings to the dealership in Orlando, thirty minutes drive away. Ever resourceful, we quickly organized a night’s accommodation at another Disney resort, arriving at their reception with only the clothes on our back. An unexpected, yet fun, memory of this trip. We left the motorhome to be repaired over the coming days, sorting a cabin and our next vehicle, an open top red Mustang, just a bit earlier than expected ready to drive down to Key West.

Down Sized Weekender

We are now onto our next evolution in our motorhome journey. 2022 we take ownership of an Adria Twin 600. What we love about this particular vehicle is the compactness and room to transport extra passengers. It has a roomy area in the rear for storing supplies for day trips. The bedding is surprisingly comfortable and folds away when rear access is required. The bathroom area is particularly cleverly designed. Half the excitement for us right now is dreaming of the possibilities of trips and daily uses for this vehicle.

For us, a home on wheels has been a wonderful way to explore destinations. It has provided us with memories and experiences that have become part of who we are. The particular vehicles we have chosen have matched our evolving journey. Just as our experience of retirement has evolved. Beginning with a sample ‘taste test’, to investing in a motorhome of our own. Finally downsizing to meet our current needs.

Would love you to share your experiences of taking life on the road in the comments.

November 2024
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