Healing the Matriarch

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Waiting for Disappointment

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Have you ever been in a situation where you have planned or dreamed about a special occasion and when it arrives you quietly anticipate things going awry? That was me around my planning for celebrating Christmas this year with our adult children and their families. Would it live up to expectation?

Photo by Lynda Hinton on Unsplash

So many times in our lives we anticipate a future event. Mentally choreographing what would occur, how we would be and the actions, words and emotions of those around us. In the daydreaming, the imagery is visceral. We feel the hugs and cuddles, hear the laughter and conversation and smell the aromas of food shared.

My own fondest memories of Christmas lay in my childhood. Extended family gatherings and a Nanna who waited until all the gifts were distributed then brought out an old suitcase of small, individually wrapped presents to distribute. Food was a highlight and each consecutive year I remember more sherry being added to the traditional Christmas trifle as Nanna aged.

The memories of Christmas beyond my childhood have been bittersweet. I lost my mum and Nanna when I was 22 years old so for me the intact, joyful experience of celebration left alongside their parting. My husband and his family continued to celebrate large extended Christmas Days and holidays together. I am eternally grateful that our children could experience such lovely Christmases in their own childhood. For me, there were always moments of sadness that we couldn’t fully reciprocate the experience with my side of the family.

The Christmas of 2021 became my opportunity as matriarch to create memories with my own family. With Covid restrictions and the loss of my husband’s mother in May, I made a conscious decision to host our immediate family for the Christmas period in our home.

It was joyful to buy gifts early and plan the meals that we would have over several days. We prepared our home and garden and the week before Christmas decorated our tree, giving it pride of place in the living room. I also wanted to update our professional family photos. Our family had grown by three more grandchildren and it had been a decade since the last ones were taken. A local photographer was booked for just after Christmas Day.

As the day approached we nervously anticipated the safe travel and good health of each family member. Both families had long car journeys to take in heavier than usual traffic. It was a relief when they arrived and began settling into our home. Each family had visited their grandparent’s plot at the memorial gardens and as night fell on Christmas Eve we walked the neighbourhood streets admiring the beautiful Christmas lights on the houses. Santa sacks were placed near the Christmas tree as our excited and weary grandchildren headed off to bed.

Christmas morning was a flurry of joyful activity, opening presents and scattering the carefully wrapped paper around ourselves. Croissants for brunch then the timed execution of a hot roast lunch. The weather was delightful on Christmas day so we swam in the pool, drank and ate into the evening. I waited, but no disappointment appeared, the day went beautifully.

Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment

Brene Brown – Atlas of the Heart.

Boxing Day we spent at a favourite beach. One we had ventured to for family holidays over the years. It was a gorgeous, sunny morning. The waves were calm and the water clear and inviting. We couldn’t have orchestrated anything more perfect. There were a few sun kissed faces as we headed to the shade of trees for a fish and chip lunch.

The next morning we woke to early rain. This was the day of our Family Photo shoot. In my mind the disappointment surfaced. This was an infrequent opportunity to be together and we really wanted to take the photos outdoors in our garden. We took a ‘wait and see’ approach with our photographer and aimed for a 10.00 am shoot. Unbelievably as the time approached the sun suddenly began to shine and we were able to capture some beautiful images together.

The remaining days together we swam, ate, played and conversed. Having the luxury of time and space to really connect with each other. As each family left to head on their way home, I felt a real sense of contentment for the time we had spent together.

Christmas holds many memories for us. The family matriarchs are often the instigators of the aspects of celebration. For me, no disappointment arrived. It was a wonderful family time together that I will always cherish. I hope for our children and grandchildren it will also be a time they will recall and reminisce. A time to add to their store of memories.

At times we can look for occasions to disappoint us especially if we put lots of planning and anticipation into them. What may be best is to ‘go with the flow’ accepting what turns up and adding it to the memory bank. Sometimes things go as planned. Other times unexpected things happen. I was just delighted that all I had hoped for came to fruition. A beautiful Christmas with my family.

Reflections of 2021

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January – Moved back into life in Port Macquarie after two years in my childhood hometown – healing my heart, my sense of direction and my priorities. This was a priceless season of my life that was both timely and inspiring. I had the opportunity to be a ‘hands on Nanna’ while both sets of our grandchildren lived in the same location. At times it was painful and unnerving to take this hiatus from my home and marriage but looking back I have no regrets. It also provided the impetus for writing my blog.

This month was finally time for settlement on our Canberra apartment. A unique solution to having a base closer for visits to family and friends.

Photo by Julian Hochgesang on Unsplash

You will never be completely at home again because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place


Miriam Adeney.

February – Picked up my new car, helped two grandchildren celebrate their birthdays. Furniture removal to Canberra. The Sydney removalist, having not been this far west in NSW, was staggered by the distance. Some of our Queensland family visit us in Port Macquarie.

March – We sold our motorhome. I begin a slow recovery from an Achilles tear playing Pickle Ball for the first time. A lesson learnt in acceptance and limitation.

April – Smith family gather at a farm stay near Coonabarabran NSW. This would be the last getaway with my husband’s mum, Shirley. It was a treasured time of connection and sharing memories.

May – Attended Motherless Daughter’s Australia High Tea, Canberra. Catch ups with friends and family in Griffith. Shirley returned to her heavenly home on the 24th and we celebrated her life on 31st at Innes Memorial Gardens chapel.

June – Visit Canberra and Griffith to celebrate another grandchild’s birthday. Reinforced for us that this base in Canberra was a good decision.

July – Travelled to Qld for our niece’s wedding. Second time lucky after being postponed the previous year. A beautiful location at Tamborine Mountain in the Surfers Paradise Hinterland.

August – Lots of movement in our Air BNB. As lovely long term tenants moved out into their new home, a new couple move in. My life includes lots of online presence with meditation and Zumba classes and online courses to participate in.  NSW Statewide lockdown is called on 14th. We had been lucky to avoid the extended lockdown experienced in the larger cities until now.

September – Port Macquarie comes out of lockdown on 11th September. A cautious re-entry with all the precautions of distancing and mask wearing. Lockdowns continue elsewhere and cases rise so our life is lived locally.

October – A trip to Yamba to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary.

November – Positive Neuroplasticity online course with Dr Rick Hanson. Online Three Sundays in November with Irish poet, David Whyte on ‘What is Still Possible’. Wonderful nourishment and inspiration for the brain.

December – Preparation for a family Christmas with our children, their partners and grandchildren. It’s been too long since we have seen them so we do a trip to Canberra and Griffith to spend time with them. It included delivery and picking up of Christmas presents. High Tea with our daughter at Hotel Realm, Canberra, to celebrate her university graduation. A few lovely days at Nimbo Fork Lodge near Tumut and bike ride along the Tumbarumba to Rosewood rail trail.

And finally … a Christmas of delightful memories with family here in Port Macquarie. Beach days, parks and coffee dates, card and board games together, dips in the pool. Laughs, conversations and precious time spent together. We include a Family Photo shoot to capture this Christmas together. 

Now as New Year’s Eve approaches many of us are hoping for a brighter 2022. Each year we experience can feel both way too short and at times painfully long as we wait for circumstances to change. The challenges we face make us stronger and more resilient; the brighter notes make us filled with life satisfaction and gratitude.

Take time before the clock strikes midnight to look back on the events, journeys and everyday happenings that have constituted this year of your life. Some memories will stay encapsulated in the year that was 2021. Others will form the springboard for the person you will become and the things you will do in the coming year. May it be a blessed New Year.

5 Things I have Learnt this Year

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December is a special time of year. It’s a time for reflection and also a time to plan for new beginnings. As I reflect on this year, several things come to mind. Some are from my own life experience and others from observing what is happening in the world. It has been a challenging year for most of us, yet we have made it to its end. In the process hopefully we have gained more understanding and inner resources to take us into 2022.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

Here are my top five reflections of 2021.

1. Life is short and unpredictable.

The one thing we can be certain of is change. Not all of it is welcomed or expected. In our own family we have dealt with the death of loved ones and also serious, unexpected medical conditions. For me it has crystallised the importance of telling those around us we love them. To mend harsh words spoken and maintain contact, particularly when we can’t physically be together.

Live life fully and with gratitude. If this year has taught us anything it has been that we are surrounded by so much, yet are largely unaware of being thankful for all we have. Whether it’s the ready availability of what we physically need, living in comfortable environments or accessing enjoyable experiences. This year has also highlighted the disadvantage experienced by others. The vulnerabilities of losing a job, living on the breadline, uncertain housing and declining mental health. What we become aware of we can no longer ignore. It’s important to advocate for and support others.

2. Healing is our life work.

We are often unaware of the impact of our past. This is particularly in relationship to insecurities we have developed during childhood. Parenting is not an exact science, it involves fallible, human interaction. Our parents, trying to meet a variety of competing demands, inevitably fall short on delivering our basic needs for safety, satisfaction and connection. We are also born with a certain temperament that is continually moulded by our family of origin and our childhood experiences. Challenges that remain unresolved get carried into our adulthood.

Trauma, whether physical or emotional, can occur at any time in our lives. The process of healing requires us to be conscious, motivated and self-directed. It requires time and patience. What we don’t heal or repair, particularly emotionally, persists. It continues to colour our lives and our interactions with others.

The wonderful thing is healing is available to us.  With mindful awareness we can change our internal nervous system responses and neuroplasticity allows us to rewire our brain connections. It becomes possible to view the past through a different, ‘supportive adult’ lens. Having compassion and a wider understanding of situations surrounding previous challenges in our lives. To know we are ‘all right, right now’, basically o.k. and have grown inner resources to support our well-being.

3. Be your best advocate. It’s too easy to blame others for our troubles. Too often we can remain quiet and ruminate about life not turning out how we had wished. It’s so important to keep a sense of healthy boundaries within our relationships. To voice our own needs and make decisions that resonate with who we are. Often underlying our silence is a long history of people pleasing and the need to be liked and accepted by others. It requires motivation and courage to change this habit. I’ve learnt the world doesn’t crumble when you speak up. If anything, it opens up respectful conversation with others.

 4. Listen to the perspective of others. We need to listen to each other aware that there are many touchpoints of life experience that have brought us to each conversation. I have particularly gained awareness that our viewpoints are never black and white. They are nuanced with many shades of grey in between.

Some of my close friends have had different views on vaccination and our country’s pandemic response. Initially I distanced myself unsure of how to respond. Then I made a point of reaching out to them to engage in conversation. What I’ve found is deep, considered layers of perspective based on their life experience. I gained a fresh understanding of how they reached their opinions. I also sensed the difficulties they have faced this year living with alternate viewpoints to the mainstream messaging.

5. We have experienced a collective challenge. These past two years have been tough for us all. From the elderly who were most vulnerable to the virus to our youngest children who have experienced a watered down childhood with less ability to explore and connect with others. In between have been adolescents, young adults and parents who have been uniquely challenged by the ambiguities of home schooling, unsecure employment and housing, isolation and thwarted life plans.

We are not out of the woods yet with this pandemic and the path ahead is still uncertain. Yet it has been a time to slow down and reflect on our own priorities. A time to build inner strengths such as resourcefulness, compassion and resilience to meet the challenges we’ve faced. In a sense, we have all been in this together, being moulded and changed through our experience. Hopefully in 2022 we can be a kinder and more inclusive society.

As you reflect on the year, what are the things you have learnt? I look forward to your comments.

Four Inner Resources for Empty Nest Parents

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As the year draws to a close a fresh batch of parents contemplate the transition of emptying the family nest. Their children finish their schooling and study ready to venture out into the big wide world, away from the family home. Are you one of those parents?

As much as you would like to set up a spy camera, install a listening device to tap into their conversations or literally pack up and move in with your empty nested child; none of these forms of surveillance are going to be helpful or realistic as your child moves independently into the world.

Photo by Some Tale on Unsplash

That doesn’t mean you don’t feel a deep angst and certain level of anxiety for them, particularly in the initial stages of separation. It is not surprising. Each day for the past eighteen or so years you have had the opportunity for daily interaction at the dinner table or sitting on the living room couch. You’ve been making their meals, washing clothes and prompting their routines and forgetfulness as they have walked out the door to school.

‘Suddenly they are not physically there anymore and a void that fills the shape of them takes up residence instead’

Self-reflection

You walk past their surprisingly neat bedroom, open laundry baskets with loads that have shrunk and admire fridges that are full. Tiny increments of your daily life become reminders of their absence. All of a sudden you are no longer the authors of their life story. You have used your parenting style to instill direction through each of the previous chapters. Now it is time for them to ‘explore where the puzzle pieces fit in their lives‘. Hopefully some of the foundational parts of the puzzle will serve as a useful guide for their daily ‘inner voice’ around the choices they make.

What inner resources can you, as a parent, cultivate for this inevitable transition?

Acceptance – Knowing that you have done all that you can as a parent to your child. Our job description was always a guide. We need to believe we did a ‘good enough’ job with the circumstances and understandings we had at the time. No parent is ever perfect and the accolades are few.

In reality we have limited influence from now on. The all encompassing early stages of physical care and emotional support are over. Each birthday for the child brings them closer to their ability to be their own person, separate to us. In response, our sphere of influence has gradually decreased as the additional voices of their peers and the wider world become integrated into their perspectives and opinions. Each new experience going forward – whether an acknowledgement or a setback, becomes theirs to own.

Trust – As parents we need to trust that we have provided strategies that will enable our children to navigate life on their own. Hopefully we have given sufficient practical guidance to equip them with the inevitable challenges and ‘bumps’ along the way. We know from our own experience of young adulthood that it is rare if the journey is smooth. In loving family relationships they will know that we are able to provide that listening ear and impart further guidance and support when asked for. What we need to avoid is critical judgement of their efforts towards independence.

Developing Equanimity – We are all on our own life path, as are our children. It is important not to over-react to what surfaces for us emotionally around the ‘empty nest’. This may include worry, anxiety, sleepless nights and the desire to know what’s happening in their lives 24 hours of the day. See these as normal reactions to change. Give yourself self-compassion by acknowledging emotions that arise without being pre-occupied with them. Instead try to cultivate a sense of calm, love and acceptance for this transition.

Realistic View – Acknowledge that there are risk factors in the young adult phase of life. It is not until around the mid-twenties that our children’s brains finally reach maturity.  There is likely to be patches of impulsivity and poor decision making.  They may experience feelings of uncertainty and at times reassess and redirect their path. Yet it is very rare that our children will risk ‘falling off the game board’ all together at this time in their lives.

As a parent, take the pressure of them getting it right all the time. Be supportive, but also be aware of the need to set boundaries on physical or financial support if their life choices are negatively impacting your family. In this situation, don’t blame yourself, as it is tough being the parent. Instead look at the situation as one to solve as a family with the mentality of a ‘We’ framework – asking ‘what can we do to help you?’ Communicate how their attitudes and behaviour are hurting or impacting others and create a ‘whole village’ support network so you are not doing this in isolation.

Resist comparing your own child’s trajectory through young adulthood with others. Some make great headway in their twenties, while others gain a firmer hold on their life direction later on. As parents, we are often just relieved to see them continually navigating life, on their own terms, while cheering them on from the sideline.

When our children come into our lives it feels like a profound journey for ourselves. In the early days we build skills to support our children – love, patience, selflessness and commitment. As they become increasingly independent from us they prepare us for the inevitable transition out of active parenting. A different set of skills and resources are called on for with this next stage of life’s journey.

June 2025
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