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I Wish Life was Different

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Life is funny. The more years you experience, the more opportunity you have to reflect on each previous stage and reexamine your life choices. So many sliding door moments.  Times when you were presented with alternate pathways and chose one over the other. How many times have you wished things were different?

Reflecting on the past can leave us feeling a sense of ‘what if’ as we notice where different choices may have been made. Asking ourselves the question ‘how would life have turned out differently?’ We have the benefit of hindsight knowing how our choices have played out. If only we could see the future at any given moment through a crystal ball. Letting it inform our decisions and keep us on the straight and narrow. Instead we rarely have a full sense of the factors around our life choices and our regrets can lead to a sense of personal guilt and bitterness. I’ve learnt that while it’s okay to take a temporary journey into the past to ponder life’s path, the reality is that each moment of decision has now well and truly gone.

Photo by Trevin Rudy on Unsplash

Recently Hubbie and I had a conversation around regrets. He was in reminiscent mode about the beloved Torana GTR-XU1 he owned when we first met. It was his pride and joy and for me impossible to drive. I also owned my little blue Datsun 180B so we each had our own means of transport when we married. Within 18 months our first child arrived and Hubbie made the difficult decision to sell his car so we could transport our new baby around. Back then children’s car restraints were bulky and for the first few months it was a crib sized capsule that graced our back seat. To this day my husband bemoans getting rid of that car, wishing he had kept it as a collector’s item which would have substantially increased in value over time. The only problem was that if he’d made the decision to keep it then it couldn’t be driven and had to be mothballed in a garage over the decades. Not a particularly practical or economical solution for our young family.

Once we are independent from our biological families we face a multitude of decisions around our life choices. Our career paths, where to live, renting or purchasing a home, getting married or staying single, having children or not… the list becomes long and at times fraught. These decisions are often made in our twenties. A time when we are only just emerging into adult life and brain maturity. Yet they can have far reaching impacts on our lives ahead.

Some of those decisions are far from straight forward. There is often an alternate choice and path that would have led to a different life experience. It could be the dream of a different career or place to live, increased wealth and a more comfortable existence or finding that partner who supports you throughout the changes in your life.

‘Until we accept the fact that there is nothing we can do to change the past, our feelings of regret will prevent us from designing a better future with the opportunity that is before us today’.

Jim Rohn

Hubbie and I married early and very soon after became parents. Our daughter did the same which led us to becoming grandparents in our late forties. While we would not change this decision now and have two wonderful children and a bunch of grandchildren to show for it, life was challenging. We quickly went from two salaries to one as we became a family. Thankfully those were the days Hubbie was in the military so we were able to have subsidized rent rather than the added stress of a mortgage. I don’t know how we would have managed. We came to home ownership later in our lives when we were both working full time and our children at school.

The flip-side of our decision to become parents early in life has been that our children were independent adults prior to our fifties. We had the opportunity to explore life once again as ‘just us’. In addition, due to our circumstances, we were in a position to choose to retire early. Somehow from the whirlwind of combining working and raising a family we had traversed three decades of our lives.

Without the major commitments of life we found ourselves with time to reflect. Individually we were trying to remember who we were in those early years. What were our own initial dreams, passions and priorities when we met. We were also trying to fathom who we were now and our priorities moving forward. Temporarily it became an independent journey as we lived apart for several years. Eventually we reconnected and found a comfortable compromise in our life together. After forty plus years of marriage it continues as a work in progress.

Looking back over life can cause a painful journey of regret. Alternatively it can create within us acceptance of the past and its unchangeable set of circumstances. Our focus can lie on the silver linings that come from the more challenging times. For us, if we had waited later to have children we wouldn’t have the gorgeous family we so enjoy now. We also moved away when our young adult children probably still needed us, yet it allowed us to purchase a property in a sought after location when prices were much lower. There has been some challenges with this decision as our grandchildren came along. We have been less involved in their lives and have had to work at maintaining our connections. There will also be some hurdles as we age living away from potential hands on family support. We’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Sometimes the words of the Serenity Prayer help us to handle past regret by showing us the bigger picture. The ability to accept what we can’t change and to have the courage to change the things we can. It’s words seem the antidote to focusing on regret. Instead viewing our life in its current entirety, in all its complexity, with the focus and motivation to move forward.

10 Aspects of the Heroine’s Journey

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The term ‘the heroine’s journey’ evolved from the original work of author Joseph Campbell. He extensively researched the structure of stories and myths from around the world and over time and found a common architecture. One that mirrors our own life experience of transformation.

The Hero’s (or Heroine’s) journey reads like a three act play: –

Act 1 – Setting the scene. Who you were at the beginning of your journey. What was unfulfilled in your life? What did you most desire? How were you coping or not coping with the situation?

Act 2 – Here we reach the centre of your story. We are keen to know the answer to the following questions. What is the crisis, change, struggle or challenge you face? How did you respond? What actions did you take?

Act 3 – Coming to the other side of the experience – still with its own challenges but facing them differently with the insight you have gained. Questions like these are asked and answered. Is there a transformation? Who are you now?

Photo by Gabriela Braga on Unsplash

‘Change brings challenges and stories show us how to face and overcome these. They inspire and instruct us’

Alison Wearing (Memoir writer)

While Joseph Campbell’s focus was on the masculine struggle in stories Psychotherapist and student of Campbell’s, Maureen Murdock, highlighted the feminine journey. A similarly structured sequence with its own unique aspects.

  1. A young girl grows up surrounded by stories that make her believe she exists in a perfect world.  She sees herself as an equal while also believing the men in her life will take care of her. (Cue our childhood fairy tales). She is eager to please and relatively naïve about life’s realities.
  2. Real life experience reshapes her beliefs. She finds herself in situations where she feels unprotected, hurt or possibly abused by others. As a woman she lacks a position of power or authority. Her people pleasing is taken advantage of and others push her boundaries leading to disappointment with her life and her place in it.
  3. Feeling hopeless is tempting but instead she tries to do something to address the status quo. Others tell her she can’t do it. She wonders what others will think yet is motivated to change the whole direction of her life. She leaves the safety and security of what she knows and her ‘home’. She looks outwardly for tools and people to guide her journey.
  4. Now she is in the eye of the storm. She is living in survival mode. She fears letting go and expressing herself. There is a keen sense of abandonment and not knowing whether to trust her intuition.
  5. She makes small steps forward. There is some progress but also experiences of failure. Each time she picks herself up she realises she has learnt more about herself. Her courage, independence and self-compassion keep her moving forward.
  6. Things get worse and she feels a sense of failure and defeat. A sense of hope seems far away.
  7. She reaches for the feminine quality of connection allowing others to give her a hand. She embraces the support and understanding of others and sees her own feminity in a more positive light.
  8. She is now stronger and more aware. She sees the world differently. Her qualities of courage and wisdom come to the fore. She is more confident of her place in life and faces her own fears with self-compassion.
  9. She returns to the world as it exists with a new clarity. Seeing the world for what it is rather than the idealized one she once believed in. She has changed but so too have those around her who have witnessed her journey. Some will stay firmly by her side while others are no longer part of her life. She now has a new toolkit of coping strategies and the rewards of her journey stay within her.
  10. Her own heroine journey becomes an inspiration. She may advocate for the struggles her journey entailed, supporting and equipping others who experience similar situations. It may lead to deeper meaning and life purpose as she shares her own story of transformation and change.

Take a look back over your own life. There are probably times you can identify when you have been on your own heroine’s journey. Change is always happening in small increments. Often silently in the background shifting the dynamics in our life circumstances and relationships. The term ‘stuck’ often arises when we feel unable to move forward. What we are feeling at that time is an invitation to take this transformational opportunity.

Women in Your 60’s Claim Victory.

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I’ve recently shared a wonderful poem by Donna Ashworth within my Healing the Matriarch Community private Facebook group. It resonated with their lived experience and captured the changes women go through as they reach mid-life and navigate beyond.

It’s a victory poem of: –

  • overcoming previous adversity to gain a new sense of resilience.
  • Closing some chapters of life and embracing others.
  • Acquiring a new sense of our own personal priorities.
  • Developing a growing acceptance and regard of the woman we are, rather than one the world has expected of us. How we look, what we say and how we interact in our world.
Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

BY 40, OUR MIDDLE FINGER IS AT HALF-MAST…By 50, it’s full on UP.

By 60, both of those fingers are hoisted in a V…and not a single care is given any more.

Donna Ashworth from To the Women: words to live by

It’s a time of midlife reset.  Author and Sociologist researcher, Brene Brown sees the midlife years, our 40’s and 50’s, as a time of unravelling of our multiple identities. It is a time to examine who we are in each role and decide what no longer serves us. In doing this exploration we move closer to our true authentic nature. For many women the default of being nurturers and deferring to the needs of others is examined. The role of motherhood shrinks as our children become independent and initially a void may exist where we may feel our ‘reason for being’ is challenged.

Like many life stage changes it is unsettling. It’s a time of reinvention and transformation. Of our relationships and ourselves. Eventually the capacity to nurture can be widened. To our role as grandparents, daughters of elderly parents and wise women within our broader communities. The ability to nurture is central to supporting the generations that follow us.

There is also an importance of beginning to nurture ourselves more. Women at this stage of life can find themselves refocusing and prioritizing their personal needs. Beginning a self-love journey and getting reacquainted with the woman they currently are. In the busy decades previously there was much less time to turn the focus inward.

Prioritizing yourself may at first feel selfish. Let those feelings sit and be examined. Allow parts of the journey of rediscovery be a reflection of all you have accomplished in your life so far. Think about the qualities you have developed and experiences you have had along the way. What passions and interests you once had (perhaps in childhood or young adulthood) and those that you are ready to pursue now.

An Exercise to Explore

Author of ‘Making Sense of Menopause, Susan Willson, describes a beautiful exercise called String of Pearls. Often we recall a sequence of stories and memories from our lives that describe who we are today. I am smart, I am stubborn, I am fat, I am shy, I am a person who can get things done, I am reliable … etc.

Beginning in childhood look back as early as your memory allows. Then trace a particular self-belief along your life’s journey into adulthood until you reach present day. Like a string of pearls your internal beliefs about yourself have evolved over time. Threading pearls on the string, one by one. Imagine if an alternate belief had surfaced at any previous point in your life. What changes would that have made to how you view yourself now?

Reflect on your relationships with others. How will they become different? Have your expectations and boundaries changed? The empty nest is a pivotal time for resetting family dynamics. A time to expand relationships beyond the family unit and workplace. New connections will more likely occur based on your interests and passions. Days will be less scheduled as you leave paid work behind. Yet new activities can take on a new depth and meaning.

As Donna Ashworth’s poem concludes it calls women to be increasingly more authentic. To embrace the preciousness of our remaining years and live them well.

This is our time to be completely and totally who we are supposed to be all along.

The sooner you get there, the better.

Life waits for no woman.

I wish you well with your journey into the third stage of your life.

Continue your reading –

Midlife Reset

Four inner resources for Empty Nesters

The Irresistible Older Woman

What I wish I knew about Empty Nesting

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An early Summer morning and a chance to walk and talk with a group of women along the beach. A quiet circle as each woman introduces themselves and an Acknowledgement of Country is spoken to ground us in connection with the traditional owners of the land we meet on.

As the walk begins the women gather into groups of two or more heading south along the sand to our designated turning point. The painted wooden Kookaburra on a pole. This New Year is bringing new faces to the group. Women who have found the courage to join the regular Sunday gathering.

I join several conversations and a theme emerges. Quite a few of these women are in the throws of empty nesting. Their children about to leave for university or away from our community. Others I speak to are not quite at that stage and still parenting teenage children. Yet they see a time ahead when their days of active mothering will gradually come to an end.

Photo by Ankur Dutta on Unsplash

The years of bringing up our children go so quickly. During parenting we are in constant demand. Some of the women today feel that it is one of the most challenging and rewarding roles they’ve experienced. When we are immersed in it we have a definite identity and responsibility. From the moment we are handed our first child we are changed forever.

Yet there comes a time when our children become independent of us. Leading their own separate lives. Possibly creating their own families. It’s a time where rather than being a central character, we play a bit part in their lives. It’s a time of shedding that ‘mother’ role, stepping back from nurturing them as children and re-establishing our own identity. It feels uncomfortable and if not consciously thought about and prepared for it can be a shock to the system. It can feel like a grief process until we feel a sense of acceptance and contentment with life moving forward.

The biggest change for me as a mum was realizing I needed to put someone else before me. Now the hardest part about the empty nest is learning to put myself first.

Kim Alexis

You are prepared

Life has equipped us for this transition. As we hand over our little ones to their teachers on the first day of kindergarten. Then watch them progress from primary to high school. There are strategies we have used to help both our children and ourselves embrace change and engage with it effectively. Communicating what the next step may look like. Visiting the new environment so it doesn’t feel so strange. Rehearsing the practical skills that will support them to independently navigate their way. Listening to concerns and together coming up with strategies to support them.

Each little transition that we’ve experienced with them helps us let go that bit more. Giving them confidence to mature and gain independence. We won’t be able to impart all the learning. There will be skills and life lessons to learn as they navigate young adulthood. Our role increasingly becomes one of support from a healthy distance.

It’s also important for us to prepare ourselves for this change. Begin to find connections and activities outside the realm of work and family. Not an easy task when lives are busy.

  • Perhaps find one thing you particularly enjoy and regularly fit it into your schedule.
  • Make increasing opportunity for ‘me time’ so you can nurture your own needs.
  • Have valuable family time, but particularly toward the later teenage years spend more time apart. Get a physical sense of them not being around before they move away.
  • Give yourself compassion when you feel saddened by the closing of this chapter. Begin to imagine the possibilities beyond parenting. The next stage of your own life.

Create a Ritual

Transitions call for ceremony. A time to reflect on the life phase that is ending for both your child and yourself. To honour the energy you have put into the role and to acknowledge the results of your years of mothering. Here are some possibilities.

  • You might write a letter to your child.
  • Have a specific dinner together to honour new beginnings. Share family memories and stories of their growing years.
  • Find a special gift to signify the love you share.
  • Take a holiday together.

Whatever you plan, use the ritual as a positive and affirming time. You’ll miss them yet be proud of who they have grown up to be.

There is life beyond

As with all transitions it will feel awkward and new. Just as it was at the beginning of motherhood, moving into a new home or starting at a new workplace. There is no rush. Once your children have empty nested you are entering a new phase of life. Reconnecting with the woman you are now. Reconnecting in your relationships with your partner and friends. Reconnecting with your purpose moving forward.

Its also a time to embrace new activities and connections. It has been a long time since you could focus on yourself. If you are working, it may be a time to take on more challenge or responsibility. You may want to do additional formal or informal learning. It can also be a time for creativity, travel and following your passions. A time to focus on your own self-care and physical well-being.

Over time a different relationship develops with our children. They may partner and have children of their own. The desire to be a grandparent can be strong but is a role that is best eased into and navigated sensitively and in a balanced way.

Be flexible in what you are willing to take on as your own life evolves. Its so easy to step back into nurturing forgetting how much energy is required to care for babies and young children. Avoid caring for grandchildren becoming an ongoing expectation or burden. Instead focus on the unique role and relationship you can create in their lives.

Empty nesting is the culmination of all our hard work as parents. It fits neatly into the flow of many ongoing transitions we make in life. Preparing for it, acknowledging it and planning for a life beyond are crucial for making this a smooth process.

More reading on this topic: –

Beyond the Nest

Four Inner Resources for Empty Nest Parents

What I wish I knew about Parenthood

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