For couples who are in their later years we grew up in an era of societal expectation of distinct divisions of labour. When we were young we received strong role models around what each partner in a relationship was responsible for. Those expectations probably moved with us into our adult life and our own relationships. The clearly demarcated lines often meant the husband was the breadwinner and looked after financial management and the wife cared for their home and their children. Women were not encouraged to be involved and to understand issues of the wider world.
Many of the women of our own generation also worked outside the home. Juggling employment, childcare and family responsibilities. Our husbands, often still the major breadwinners, weren’t particularly encouraged to do ‘women’s work’ once they came home. Even for our now adult children there can be inequities and a certain demarcation of ‘expected’ responsibilities. As a result, each person in the relationship develops particular strengths and practical knowledge around managing day to day life.
Photo by Age Cymru on Unsplash
From the outside this looks like a wonderful way to get things done. Sharing the load by clearly demarcated ‘job’ responsibilities. The issue is when one person in the relationship shoulders a vital part of living, resulting in there being a reliance on that person being physically around. As a result, we leave that responsibility in ‘capable hands’ and fail to learn the task ourselves. What works well while both are alive, in a sound relationship and in good health; becomes a major concern when that relationship ceases due to separation, divorce or death of a partner. Illness and infirmity can also change a couple’s dynamic quickly.
It’s a natural thing that we don’t really want to contemplate. Instead brushing away the thought in the recesses of our mind until a future time. Yet in doing so we create difficulties for ourselves. It also creates vulnerabilities for us as elders.
Examples of this may be the partner who doesn’t know how to shop and prepare a healthy meal for themselves. Hasn’t been responsible for laundry and household cleaning. Has taken a minor role in organizing family occasions and catch ups with friends, remembering birthdays and connecting with children and grandchildren. It may also be a partner who has felt comfortable leaving financial decisions and payment of household bills to the other.
The reality is that one partner normally will pass away before the other. Generally it is the wife who lives longer than her husband. In more recent years, the number of divorces occurring in long term marriages has increased leading to vulnerability, particularly for women. Lack of superannuation due to an unstable employment history and division of financial assets, including the family home, can have major financial and social impacts for older divorced women.
Start the conversation early.
It’s so important to talk about our individual ‘surviving and thriving skills’. To check which areas we are proficient in and those we need to know more about. As a couple, to help each other in developing abilities in areas we would normally defer to our partner. We can do this by: –
- stepping back on a regular basis to allow our partner to practice and become more proficient at a skill that comes more naturally, through experience, to us.
- Understand that as that person is learning, only step in if your help is asked for. Give them space and time to learn at their own comfortable pace. Sometimes a challenging or unfamiliar skill just needs a bit of ‘figuring out’ time. Resist the temptation to jump in with assistance or take over the task completion. There is pleasure in successfully accomplishing a skill leading to increased confidence and worth around our own abilities.
- Acknowledge that we are much more comfortable and confident is what we know. Those skills are automated in our mind and body as they have been part of us over a long period of time. They feel easy to do. It is so much more difficult to tackle the unknown and confusing nature of a skill we don’t normally take on.
- Encourage the person to take the lead with what they are newly learning. Share the importance of them knowing how to do the skill. This will feed their desire and motivation to continue learning and perfecting. Criticism is discouraging.
- Explore ways to receive help later in life for day to day needs. It’s not realistic to learn all of life’s skills and not require any support from others. Keep a list of brochures and contacts that provide healthy meals, home maintenance and care, help with finances and technology. If you think in the framework of ‘what if I wasn’t here’ you will identify the areas of support that may arise for each other. Remember to keep this information updated regularly.
When we are a couple it is tempting to divide our responsibilities between us. It can work well for decades of our relationship, streamlining the tasks required both inside and outside our homes. It’s important to be aware of the patterns of natural dependence on each other that this creates over time. One partner mastering a skill that is necessary for the other to know in later life.
We are usually particularly good at some things and have little knowledge and experience of others. Identify those skills you need to know more about. Teach each other in ways that encourage having at least a basic understanding and skill set of what is new. Together plan for the future possible day to day assistance that inevitably is needed. Whether it will come from trusted family members, friends or community organizations.
It’s not an easy aspect of life to contemplate. When we have the courage to start the conversations and the vulnerability to take on the task of either teacher or learner of a skill in later life we support each other’s lives in an important way.
