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Choosing Fear or Love

October 25, 2021 by JanSmith

We certainly live in globally difficult times. I personally feel we are meant to be challenged right now. It’s highlighting what’s not quite right with the world. Opening us up to more balanced, caring ways of living our lives.

There is so much to consider about life and increased awareness to be gained from critical thinking. The more widely we explore, the more open our perspective can become. Particularly if we are willing to step beyond our own current beliefs and opinions and listen to others.

“Listening to others, especially those with whom we disagree, tests our own ideas and beliefs. It forces us to recognize, with humility, that we don’t have a monopoly on the truth“.

Janet Yellen
Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

It requires exploring a wider, holistic approach. In regard to addressing the current health pandemic, considering the physical health aspect of the equation balanced with the social/emotional well-being of the individual and population. There have been some heartfelt situations arise particularly with the elderly, bereaved, chronically unwell, unsafely housed and lonely.

What a massive challenge weighing up the risks and benefits of current and possible future strategies and policy.  ‘One size fits all’ can hopefully be slowed down and assessed for its relevance. In Australia, we have become a highly vaccinated and relatively compliant population to health directives in response to the Covid 19 Pandemic. Time will tell if these governance measures create the society we each want to live in. We also need to be mindful of inclusion of all of our population in our future way of life.

As an early childhood teacher I am particularly drawn to thinking about the long term impacts on childhood development of children born during the pandemic. A critical stage in their development where babies have been unable to see others smile and engage with them. A time when their play and exploration has been partly inhibited with an increased emphasis on their physical health and safety. Largely inhabiting a reduced world of their family home and its occupants. Some will be more vulnerable to developmental setbacks than others.

Older children are beginning to get back to their education. Adults to their work lives and re-connection with the wider world. Each of us re-engaging with a level of uncertainty for what lies ahead. Feeling a more tangible sense of our lack of personal agency and control. Yet we have active, thinking minds. Minds that can adapt to changing circumstances.

I am drawn to the additional fifth agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz (The Four Agreements).

He suggests that we be sceptical, advising us not to believe either ourselves or anybody else. That we be open and challenged by new, and dare I say, opposing information.  We can also use the power of doubt to question everything we hear. Is it really the truth? Who is speaking and what is their intention behind the words. What is the real message being conveyed in what is being said?

I believe this is a good stance for investigating the world. One we should teach our children. To start with a critical view of the vast amount of information they come across. In addition, to be willing to widen their perspective along the way. We need critical thinkers to navigate our current world. Aware of our human biases, such as how we actively seek out information that confirms our current knowledge, while discarding what we don’t want to hear. We can also fall into the trap of overestimating our expertise on a subject. Perhaps it is time to be humble enough to recognise those things we don’t know, as much as being sure of what we do.

Where does that leave us. We can see the current world through a lens of fear or of love. Increasingly I hope we see it through love. A world where we protect the vulnerable and look out for the needs of others. Where we encourage open, respectful conversations and care more deeply for each other and the world. That’s a world I believe we all want to inhabit.

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Sitting With Ambiguity

June 24, 2021 by JanSmith

How comfortable are you to sit in a space of not knowing about life? ….. A place where it feels like an empty hole or question mark, yet you have no desire to fill in the void that exists. I am finding as I get older I am feeling more comfortable, and actually enjoy waiting to see what fills the uncertainty.  Allowing the next step in my life to evolve of its own accord rather than trying to control any outcome. As I look back on life I can see the existence of these voids. Some were fleeting, lasting from a few moments to several months. Others have taken years to resolve.

I have experienced both the highs and sometimes the depths of experience. Yet I would say that most of my life thankfully has sat somewhere in the middle where my emotions and thoughts maintain a relatively peaceful existence. From that landscape of lived experience it has become easier to accept a majority of life’s circumstances. Knowing situations continually evolve. People come and go, and also change. That situations sit outside my control and often have to run their course. I have come to a comforting acceptance that the only changes possible are the ones I make within myself. Changes to my own circumstances and perspectives.

Photo by Johny Goerend on Unsplash

Life has offered a good degree of uncertainty lately. As we collectively navigate our lives during the current pandemic each day brings changes in our movements and habits. In a sense it mirrors life during more ‘normal’ times but we would feel the transitions more mildly and at a slower pace. When life changes daily, it can lead to a level of anxiety and concern that colours our enjoyment and ability to cope.

Longing for the Past

Yet all of life’s current experience is rich in teaching us life lessons and building our wisdom, courage and resilience. We are currently living in a time of great unknowing. Even if we wish we could go back to past experiences they are no longer ours. We may reminisce about previous travel, family dynamics that have changed as children grow up and loved ones pass away. There are fond memories that we can only hold in our hearts as they are no longer physically attainable. Yet parts of those past experiences shape the person we are in the present.

Wanting Future Change

We also cannot race into the future. Striving to be somewhere else or for our circumstances to change. The more we seek control, the less ease we have in life. It becomes easier to accept life for what it currently is, adopting an appreciation and gratitude for the Now. It is still possible to plan and dream for the future but it’s important not to hold too firmly to it eventuating. Perhaps if what we hoped for doesn’t come to pass a different future direction will emerge.

Living in the Present

So that leaves us firmly living in the present moment. As Eckhart Tolle says it is really the only moment we truly have and exist in. By being grounded in what is happening around us we can lead a richer life observing with our senses and being more fully engaged with the people around us and the situations and opportunities currently available. It allows us to go into a deeper enjoyment of life. Both going with the flow, and living in flow – a deep, timeless involvement with our creativity.

‘Truly nothing matters but the present, because it is the only place where life can express itself’

Don Miguel Ruiz

And in the present moment we can take advice from the Toltec Four Agreements from the work of Don Miguel Ruiz.

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word.

Take time to pause before responding to others. Speak with clarity, kindness and love. Words have a way of lingering in our thoughts and hearts. They have the potential to both hurt others and heal. Mend regularly by offering forgiveness where necessary.  Assertively ask for what you really want.

2. Don’t take Anything Personally. What people say about you is a reflection of them, not you.

 Think of calmness as a superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things personally keeps your mind clear and your heart at peace. Perhaps criticism from others is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. Also know that you will never please everyone and what others say need not influence your own sense of who you are and your self-worth.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions.

We tend to make assumptions about everything based on our own life perspective. We are all living alongside each other with our own unique version of life. The problem with making assumptions about people and situations is that we believe they are truth. Often they are not. It is always important to check in with each other to gain clarity.

4. Always Do Your Best.

Slow down and keep life simple to allow yourself to do your best. Flow in the moment and work with consistent care to produce the needed quality. Let go of perfection as it is unattainable. Be kind and acknowledge your efforts.

A Fifth Agreement has more recently been added.

5. Be sceptical but learn to listen.

The majority of what you hear is not true. You often hear perceived truth and sometimes it is fake news. Listen empathetically and utilise the power of doubt. Be aware that gossiping has become the main form of communication for humans and used to bring others down.

Striving to consistently live in the present moment takes practice. Bringing the mind back from ruminating about past events or wishing to be ‘somewhere else’ takes conscious effort. Get curious and comfortable with the present empty spaces of unknowing. Observe and listen to what is happening around you and implement the qualities in Don Miguel Ruiz’s personal agreements. Within the ambiguity of life is the potential for evolving as a person. If you have found this blog helpful, comment below or share with others.

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Identifying Your Personal Growth

January 8, 2021 by JanSmith

Throughout life we are changing. We are a different person now than we were one, five or ten years ago. Our perspective as an adult is different to how we perceived the world as a teenager or child. The attitudes, opinions, and values we hold continue to evolve with our life experience. As the changes are gradual, it is often hard to identify them in ourselves. It is easier to observe personal growth in those around us.

The person you are now and the circumstances of your current life may be the product of your previous dreams and aspirations. Reflection allows you to see how far you have come.

Here are some possible observations: –

  • Perhaps you are calmer and more grounded than before. You have developed strategies to stay more consistently observant and present in the moment.
  • You may be living more abundantly with stronger relationships with others or creating exciting new projects. Some of your previous ambitions have been realized.
  • You may have built particular expertise in an area of knowledge or practical skill.
  • Through exploration, you may have developed new strategies for living your life.
  • Perhaps you now think differently or respond differently to what is happening around you.
Photo by Peter Nelson on Unsplash

Each of these new parts of who you are may have required deep soul searching or finding solutions for life’s challenges. It may have involved a painful journey of examining your own thoughts, habits, and behaviour patterns. Shedding what is no longer valid or helpful. Creating new ways of responding to other people and life situations. Striving to live true to your authentic self.

“You can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”

Abraham Maslow

Unless there is a moment of reflection, these changes may not be unearthed. Using a journal to assess your current strengths, abilities and inner qualities is a good start. What attitudes and understandings about life have changed for you over a period of time? What particular situations and challenges have you been placed in that have caused you to learn some valuable life lessons?

If you feel you have come to a stalemate in life, create a list of your achievements over the last decade. Perhaps you will find that you have forgotten some of your accomplishments whether they are large or small. Its time to celebrate your journey particularly if it has involved self-reflection and difficult decisions or circumstances that have meant changing your life course.

Your list becomes the motivation to continue evolving. What more do you want to learn, experience, and contribute as you look into the future? Knowing that you have taken steps in the past to become the person you are now can help support your vision of what is to come.

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Radically Accepting Life

December 10, 2020 by JanSmith

Radical Acceptance simply means acknowledging our reality. We may not like how our life is turning out yet once we come to a place of acceptance we are in the position to make changes and move forward. Alternatively, if our response is to struggle and reject reality, believing ‘this shouldn’t be happening to me’ and life is unfair, our emotional distress is heightened.

“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be”

Sonia Ricotti
Photo by Andy Kelly on Unsplash

Two years ago I stepped away from my rather comfortable existence to find my way. At the time I felt broken, yet that truly wasn’t the case. I was just needing to take a journey of discovery to find out who I now was and to heal fragments of past pain. I needed to dig deep, like an archaeologist, to find my uniqueness – my particular gifts, intellect, and talents. It required learning to love myself first again, so others could enjoy being around me. To have the confidence to speak up and to advocate my needs.

It was a bold and scary journey. Truly going out of my comfort zone to step away from my marriage not knowing what the future held. I was grappling with sadness and disappointment about where my life had led. The picture of what I wanted in my life was different to my reality. The person I was at the time was an unhappy ‘shadow version’ of my true self. I needed to delve to the bottom of my struggle with life.

Accepting the Past

Part of the journey was in letting go of painful experiences in my past. When hurtful memories take hold they do so like a dog chewing a bone. Ruminating thoughts and emotions creating constant mind chatter.

I kept replaying the ‘what ifs’ or ‘what could I have done differently’. I second guessed my previous decisions and saw times where I may have possibly behaved differently or changed the trajectory of my life. I blamed myself for things that went wrong. Regret and shame are cruel mistresses.

To quiet my constant thoughts I delved into mindfulness, restorative yoga, and writing. Each practice took me out of my headspace and into my body and awareness. A soothing relief for the mind and a way to process emotional distress. I learnt to observe my thoughts and emotions rather than invest in them.

We all hold scars from our past. It is unhelpful to replay the scenarios over and over but have no control over changing the story. The first point of radical acceptance – acknowledging the circumstances of the past. Appreciating that each part of the puzzle of past events has made us the person we are right now. We have a choice then of how we continue the story.

Surrendering to the present

The current moment is one of surrender. Acknowledging this is who I am and this is my life – the second act of radical acceptance. With it comes the ability to have gratitude and appreciation for the things that are in my life and determine the next step. This year has been a particularly poignant time to surrender to our current circumstances.

To give into an act of such self-love that encompasses everything about me. To create healthy, compassionate boundaries and to step back from people pleasing habits that had become detrimental. These habits form in childhood when we discover that saying ‘yes’ to doing things for others earnt us praise. Patterns hard to break and we take them into our adult relationships, parenting style and workplaces. Even if our constant giving and putting others first causes us to feel a sense of resentment or overburden.

Having faith in the future

The final act of radical acceptance is the belief we can influence our future. The ability to manifest characteristics and circumstances that bring us joy. What an amazing thing it is to say – ‘I like the person I am and who I am becoming’. Having the ability to surround ourselves with nurturing relationships, experiences, and contributions we want to make. Each one reflecting the uniqueness of our personalities.

We will continue to fumble, make mistakes, and learn from them. If we accept life as we find it, we also discover an incredible peace. Each of us has a unique journey to take and our own life lessons to learn. In acknowledging life’s complexity we can be kind to both ourselves and to others. We can also find the motivation for change.

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Healing the Matriarch

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