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5 Ways to think about Mindfulness

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The concept of mindfulness has gained popularity in the 21st Century. Our distracting, demanding and often over stimulated lives have made us less able to function successfully on a daily basis. Although mindfulness has ancient Buddhist roots, it is equally applicable today. Recent neuroscientific research on brain development and behaviour has given us more insight into the mechanism and benefits of mindfulness.

Through this research we now know that the neuroplasticity occurs continually and subtly within our brain throughout life. Changes in the way we think impact our brain’s structure. Reinforcing and strengthening neural connections that are already there and stimulating new ones. Repeated patterns of activity have the ability to change the neural structure and function. So with focused attention on mindfulness we have the potential to rewire our brain for the better. That’s both exciting and comforting to know.

Photo by Thomas Millot on Unsplash

So what is mindfulness?

The most common definition is sustained, present moment awareness that is neutral and non-judgmental. It can be focused inwardly to our thoughts, emotions and sensations. It can also be outwardly focused on our interactions with others in the world around us. We don’t stop to be mindful, but rather incorporate it into our everyday lives.

‘Mindfulness is the capacity to be present where we are. To see it with clarity and a sense of graciousness. Without judgement or without wanting to change it.’

Jack Cornfield

To describe it further, here are five ways to think about mindfulness

1. It’s a way to wholeness – connecting body and mind.

Have you ever been so busy and distracted that you barely take in your surroundings. You know you are moving about but you have little sense of where your body is in space. Living life on autopilot. Often times you are deep in thought, navigating life from the neck up. Planning your next move or dissecting an interaction or memory from the past.

Body awareness practices such as scanning and methodically relaxing parts of your body or deliberately grounding your steps while walking help to integrate your body with your mind. Giving your brain and body’s nervous system a sense of connectedness.

2. It’s a way of being in this world:

Mindfulness can be incorporated into our everyday personal routines. For example, when we are eating, cleaning our teeth or brushing our hair. Focusing on the senses and savouring the experience allows us to be more focused and attentive.

We can also use mindfulness in our interactions in the world. Rather than being reactive to what others do and say, we can observe and acknowledge their emotions and our bodily responses for what they are. Then we have the potential to give ourselves breathing space and separateness to act with empathy and loving kindness.

‘To sustain mindfulness and stay present in what arises, it helps to find refuge’.

Dr Rick Hanson

I like the idea of finding refuge. A comforting, nurturing and protected physical or mental space to be drawn back into when we need it. It can also be a space to come out of so we can navigate the world from a calm base. The refuge we choose can be a particular person, a group of people who support and care about us, an activity, practice, idea, teaching or wisdom we live by. It becomes part of who we are as we move mindfully through our lives.

3. It trains our attention

We have evolved to be skittish. To scan our environments for multiple possibilities of danger in order to survive. While that worked well for us when hunting and gathering among the beasts it has a more debilitating effect on us in our modern lives. Although we all have different attention spans, a common problem is being easily distracted, environmentally stressed and finding it difficult to focus on one task at a time.

For more active bodies it may be helpful to incorporate movements such as yoga, tai chi or slow dance movements before settling into mindfulness and meditation activities. For those with a more active mind, a loving-kindness meditation where you bring to mind 10-15 people one after the other or creating a gratitude list can be useful tasks.

4. It helps us deal with trauma

Whether its physical or mental pain that we are dealing with, focusing directly on the pain or trauma is difficult. What can be helpful is firstly to focus away from the pain toward a foundation of well-being. One where you feel a sense of safety and belonging. Bringing to mind those who’ve cared for and nurtured you. Keeping in the forefront of your mind the good experiences in your life. Then slowly go into the trauma. After a while saying, ‘that is enough for now’ allowing yourself to leave it in place, while you continue with life and nurturing your well-being again. By making this a gradual and mindful process it’s possible to build emotional strength to deal with what arises.

With physical pain we can acknowledge its presence. Soothing and calming ourselves as if we were responding to a crying baby. Giving this loving awareness may help to soften the physical sensations, thoughts and emotions.

5. It is the gateway to positive qualities.

We need more than mindfulness. Having awareness is one thing but we also need a way to deal with what arises in the mind. It takes effort to be both mindfully aware and live practically in the world. A world where we have schedules and expectations to pay our bills and fill various roles. Yet in reality we are much more than our bank account balance or rigid notion of our identity. We have the potential to expand who we are and be less reactive to what happens to us. With mindful awareness we can build positive qualities such as confidence, ease, graciousness, joy, well-being, modesty, flexibility and clarity.

The next time you catch yourself in a distracted or reactive mode take a mindful pause. Take several deep breaths and notice what’s happening with your body. Feel where your feet meet the ground and tune into the sights and sounds around you. Each small moment of focused awareness is being registered in your brain. Ongoing practice will bring lasting benefits from being more mindful.

Let It Be

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‘When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be’

These are the opening lyrics of one of the last songs recorded by the famous band, The Beatles. It was written at a time when they were contemplating going their separate ways. Their words of wisdom to accept what unfolds in life continue to be relevant today.

Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash

We do a lot of accepting in our lives. From the time of our birth until we die we experience constant change – in ourselves and in our world.  Some of it we are happy to embrace. Exciting new adventures, new relationships and new knowledge. Other times, change is not so welcomed. Ruby Wax, in her book A Mindfulness Guide for Survival, identifies six reality checks that we experience in life. They are – difficult emotions, uncertainty, loneliness, change, dissatisfaction and death/impermanence. Each is unavoidable so how we approach them matters. When we accept that they are inevitable parts of our lives we are better able to surrender to them.

Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life

Eckhart Tolle

When we accept our reality we aren’t necessarily resigning ourselves to the way things are. Neither are we helpless nor rendering ourselves unable to act. Acceptance doesn’t mean we need to feel a sense of apathy, futility or defeat. As the Serenity Prayer states we can either serenely accept our current circumstances or muster the strength to identify where we can make changes. In a sense acceptance can both bring a sense of calm in surrender or provide our motivation to change a situation or behaviour if possible.

Not accepting what’s happening in our lives can lead to angst, anger and dissatisfaction. Often the situations that most need our acceptance are part of the unavoidable realities of life or are not really accessible to us at all.

The past is a ripe arena for the need for acceptance. There are times in our past where we regret the things we did or said. Yet, although the past has been and gone, often we let our minds become great story tellers. Reliving the emotions and ruminating over the words spoken at the time. We recreate the scenes, the actors and dialogue over and over. Not as reality but as our imperfectly stored memory of the events.

Unfortunately a lot of these stories are negative. Dr Russ Harris, who wrote the book The Happiness Trap, states that research has found that around 80% of our relatively constant thoughts have some degree of negative content. That’s pretty scary, but it comes from our evolutionary need to scan for danger around us. If we believe our thoughts are true representations of our lives it is easy to see how they can lead to anxiety, depression, anger, low self-esteem, self-doubt and insecurity.

While we can’t fact check our stories from the past, effectively distract or push away their contents or even try to rewrite them more positively, there are things we can do. We can forgive ourselves or others for the parts each of us played. We can understand the context of what occurred for each ‘actor’. We can also use defusion, the first step in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This requires simply to acknowledge the past story ‘This is my story’. Label it. For example – this is my ‘I am unlovable’, ‘I can’t do it’, ‘I’m fat’, ‘I’m boring’ or ‘I can’t cope’ story. By acknowledging the story exists in our mind and simply letting it come and go as it pleases, it’s possible to diffuse its significance. When it has less influence to hold our attention we can channel our energy into something more meaningful or personally valuable.

The future is another area ripe for acceptance. We often take our past experience and our current beliefs about a situation and get busy worrying about what’s ahead. The issue is that much of what we worry about never eventuates. If it does, then the best antidote to our anxiety is taking meaningful action. If it doesn’t, then we’ve expended a lot of unnecessary mental energy. It’s important to recognise how little control we have over our future, just as we can’t rewrite the past. Eckhart Tolle reminds us that the only place where we truly exist is in the present moment. Accepting this fact is crucial to living fully in the Now.

As you go about your day, observe how much acceptance you are bringing to your life. Appreciate the myriad of past experiences that have made you who you are right now. Allow yourself to surrender to your current circumstances and acknowledge the lack of control you truly have over future events. In acceptance you have the ability to have a more realistic view of life. In doing so you are able to cope with what is and harness the ability to make things better.

Showing Self Compassion

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Dr Kristen Neff describes compassion as ‘the wish that a being does not suffer, usually with feelings of tender warm-hearted concern’. It can be directed toward another individual, group of individuals, an animal or toward the world in general. When we turn compassion inwardly toward ourselves it becomes self-compassion.

Often it’s easier to show compassion and concern toward others. We identify parts of their suffering with our own similar experience and it creates a connection. We quite effortlessly know the words to say and the tone of voice to use to soothe their discomfort. We also have a store of caring actions we have learnt from our own life experience that we can tap into. Even young children sense the suffering of others and respond in compassionate ways.

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

Feeling compassion activates the reward centres of the brain. People who give compassion to others are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives. When we receive compassion, but not pity, from others we feel less alone, understood and find it easier to face the difficulties of life.

Giving and receiving compassion builds our sense of connection with others. Isolation and loneliness is one of the hardest human states to endure. We naturally thrive on connectedness and belonging. We also feel a sense of stability, strength and resilience in the giving and receiving of compassion.

But something unusual can happen when we direct compassion toward ourselves. It seems harder to find those kind and warm-hearted words and feelings. Tara Brach speaks of this phenomena as the ‘near enemy’ of self-care and self-compassion. In place of tender care we gravitate to self-criticism. Perhaps it has a long history of feeling ‘not good enough’ or ‘not worthy’ of compassion from others. When we’ve made a mistake how quickly do we default to berating ourselves with words of criticism and self-judgement. Often these reactions are over exaggerated in comparison to the situation experienced.

Over many years we can internalize the criticism we hear from others and make it our own self-belief. Mistakenly thinking we are motivating ourselves to do better by being self-critical. Yet the greater motivator would be to take the stance of being more self-compassionate instead. If we can hold our pain and suffering in loving ways this gives us the ability to bear it and move on. Remembering that suffering is a part of our human experience and that we can bring to mind instances when others have cared about us.

“Self-Compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us”

Kristen Neff

How can we foster compassion toward ourselves?

ACCEPTANCE – fostering the ability to be present with whatever is happening at any given moment without judgement or resistance. Reminding ourselves ‘This is happening right now’ particularly if it is unpleasant. What we are aware of we can soothe lovingly.

CLARITY – we soothe and comfort ourselves to make the wiser choice or option. We make much better decisions.  It also allows us to respond to the situation rather than react to it.

COURAGEOUSNESS – Brene Brown reminds us that mindfulness gives us a courageous presence to stay with suffering, rather than turn away from it. To look at what we don’t like or what is uncomfortable. When our heart is open, we really care and want to do all we can to change things for the better. Both for ourselves and others.

CONNECTION – Saying to ourselves – ‘Everyone experiences suffering.  I am not alone’. Accepting that our life experience as humans is both imperfect and fallible. We all make mistakes and learn from them.

The next time you berate yourself over something you do… pause. Think about how you would respond toward a close friend in the same situation. What would you say and do to help soothe their pain? Then give those soothing words to yourself. Remind yourself that others have had similar experiences and that your pain is valid. Motivate your well-being with loving kindness rather than criticism and build the strengths of self-compassion along the way.

A Glimpse of Life

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Melanie felt a sense of agitation. Her world was filled with a degree of angst and a slowly seeping dread of an uncertain future. A world that no longer made sense to her. Life was not how she had hoped and currently she sat munching on her breakfast of muesli and yoghurt. Pondering another morning in lockdown.

She scrolled down her social feed and found a favourite wise woman she liked to follow. She knew even the sound of this woman’s voice was enough to create within her a sense of quiet calm. The woman was a well-known meditation teacher and writer. A gentle presence on the screen beckoning Melanie into a different world.

“When we get lost, we need only pause, look at what is true, relax our heart and arrive again”

Tara Brach

She moved her laptop to a place outdoors where she could feel comfortable. Slipping into the wooden chair and readjusting her legs and back to feel the firmness beneath her. Enveloped and comfortable, her breathing began to relax into a soft rhythm. Closing her eyes she sensed the sounds around her. The chirps of the birds and insects in her garden, the rustle of the trees and the background noise of traffic from a nearby road.

Photo by Kate Darmody on Unsplash

Slowly calm descended on her as she listened to the softly spoken words of the recorded voice. Each phrase directing her to notice, then relax, a part of her body. Melanie observed the tension in her shoulders as she focused on them. Even with her eyes closed, she could feel various muscles around her neck and shoulders release, creating an instant sense of relief. Why hadn’t she noticed the tension before? She wondered how long she had been holding on to the weight of her concerns about the world.

Each breathe she took in felt fresh and clean. Each outward breathe gave a sense of letting go and relaxation. Once each of her body parts were highlighted and addressed her body slumped comfortably back into the frame of the chair.

‘Imagine your future self…. In five, ten or twenty years depending on the age you are now’ proposed the voice in her ear. Melanie mentally visualized the decades ahead and the ‘Melanie’ of five years’ time felt the easiest to conjure up in her mind. A person not too distant from now, most likely to be alive and living in a calmer and more consistent life than the crazy one she now inhabited.

‘Now look into your current life… search your heart and soul for what it is telling you’. Melanie pictured in her mind a sense of courage and resilience. An ability to remain patient and observant waiting for clues of a way forward. Slowly in her mind she began to picture a bridge rising from where she was in this moment to the older, future version of herself.

She remembers the initial shock of hearing the announcement of the lockdown. It seemed surreal as one moment she was enjoying the activities she loved and interacting with others. The next she was sitting alone in the quiet of her home. Only the television and her devices for entertainment and connection.

Hearing the news that evening made her feel like she was now inhabiting a strange, new world. A fearful world dealing with the spread of an invisible viral enemy. Everyone around her became a potential suspect and every surface a mission to clean. Outside her door felt unsafe territory. Whenever she ventured for a walk outdoors her gut would ache with mild anxiety until she reached her destination back home.

Heading to the supermarket in those early days was tough. Wearing a mask over her mouth and nose felt foreign and claustrophobic. As she went about the task of finding what she needed from the shelves she felt herself sashaying from side to side in the aisles to avoid physical contact with others. It made her sad that no one acknowledged each other with eye contact and when they did their eyes appeared lifeless and frightened.

Slowly and surely this new existence became more comfortable. Melanie found a new enjoyment in the time she could lavishly spend at home. She poured over cookbooks, finding recipes that she had abandoned in her previously busy life. Her garden provided a lovely sense of purpose as she tended, weeded and replanted. Her home became her haven of contentment.

Once she sensed a rhythm emerging it became possible to create a daily routine that provided a framework for her day. She used her mornings to structure her household tasks and after lunch enjoyed the opportunity to take an hour to walk in her neighbourhood. It felt more enjoyable than normal for her as she no longer took it for granted.

She noticed the changing of the seasons along her route and other people, hungry for exercise and contact, were cheery at a safe distance. The sights and smells along her walk seemed heightened as if she had not experienced them for a long time. Occasionally something would capture her attention. A beautiful light descending on a flower or stone, the intense green of a grassy field or the playfulness of a dog happy to be out with its owner. Melanie enjoyed capturing these exquisite moments of life on her phone’s camera to store as memories. Memories of a unique time and place in her life.

Over time Melanie noticed the strangeness of this altered existence became more familiar. Thankfully the measures of wearing a mask and keeping socially distanced were taking effect. She was grateful that although the overseas experience was more devastating fewer cases were found closer to home. She felt a level of protection and safety. Vaccination was also on the horizon and she could make a choice about it as an option for protection.

What she didn’t realize was how long this invisible enemy was going to be around to impact her life. Months continued to drag on to years. At times in the second year she would taste a sense of partial freedom only to be placed once more in lockdown. Each time there was a feeling of disappointment yet the lessons of how to structure her life weren’t lost allowing her to slip back into her familiar routines. For Melanie, the fear became more of the possibilities of navigating a life beyond lockdown.

How could she learn to live in this new, challenging world?

Deep in meditation Melanie tentatively took the first steps skyward along the bridge to her future self she felt a strong gentle hand reaching out to her to guide her along the way. She realised in her mind’s eye that her future self was there, already offering support for the journey ahead. A partially available vision of who she would be in a more grounded and stable existence. A sense of relief began to wash over her.

As Melanie took the last calming breaths of her meditation she felt at peace. She slowly opened her eyes to see the beauty of her backyard. The movement and rustle of the leaves in the trees. She took in the sights and sounds of the birds and insects around her. The traffic nearby steady and constant. Her life was still there waiting for her to re-enter.

In that moment she knew that there were many versions of herself. The innocent child, the adventurous young adult and the woman she now was. She also recognized there was a future wise version of herself that was ready and available to guide her forward.

Melanie realized she had at her disposal a host of lived experiences to draw on and a toolkit of strategies for the days ahead. As she walked back inside, her laptop firmly under her arm, she knew she could call on each loved version of herself as she went about the day ahead.

May 2025
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