‘When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be’
These are the opening lyrics of one of the last songs recorded by the famous band, The Beatles. It was written at a time when they were contemplating going their separate ways. Their words of wisdom to accept what unfolds in life continue to be relevant today.
We do a lot of accepting in our lives. From the time of our birth until we die we experience constant change – in ourselves and in our world. Some of it we are happy to embrace. Exciting new adventures, new relationships and new knowledge. Other times, change is not so welcomed. Ruby Wax, in her book A Mindfulness Guide for Survival, identifies six reality checks that we experience in life. They are – difficult emotions, uncertainty, loneliness, change, dissatisfaction and death/impermanence. Each is unavoidable so how we approach them matters. When we accept that they are inevitable parts of our lives we are better able to surrender to them.
Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life
Eckhart Tolle
When we accept our reality we aren’t necessarily resigning ourselves to the way things are. Neither are we helpless nor rendering ourselves unable to act. Acceptance doesn’t mean we need to feel a sense of apathy, futility or defeat. As the Serenity Prayer states we can either serenely accept our current circumstances or muster the strength to identify where we can make changes. In a sense acceptance can both bring a sense of calm in surrender or provide our motivation to change a situation or behaviour if possible.
Not accepting what’s happening in our lives can lead to angst, anger and dissatisfaction. Often the situations that most need our acceptance are part of the unavoidable realities of life or are not really accessible to us at all.
The past is a ripe arena for the need for acceptance. There are times in our past where we regret the things we did or said. Yet, although the past has been and gone, often we let our minds become great story tellers. Reliving the emotions and ruminating over the words spoken at the time. We recreate the scenes, the actors and dialogue over and over. Not as reality but as our imperfectly stored memory of the events.
Unfortunately a lot of these stories are negative. Dr Russ Harris, who wrote the book The Happiness Trap, states that research has found that around 80% of our relatively constant thoughts have some degree of negative content. That’s pretty scary, but it comes from our evolutionary need to scan for danger around us. If we believe our thoughts are true representations of our lives it is easy to see how they can lead to anxiety, depression, anger, low self-esteem, self-doubt and insecurity.
While we can’t fact check our stories from the past, effectively distract or push away their contents or even try to rewrite them more positively, there are things we can do. We can forgive ourselves or others for the parts each of us played. We can understand the context of what occurred for each ‘actor’. We can also use defusion, the first step in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This requires simply to acknowledge the past story ‘This is my story’. Label it. For example – this is my ‘I am unlovable’, ‘I can’t do it’, ‘I’m fat’, ‘I’m boring’ or ‘I can’t cope’ story. By acknowledging the story exists in our mind and simply letting it come and go as it pleases, it’s possible to diffuse its significance. When it has less influence to hold our attention we can channel our energy into something more meaningful or personally valuable.
The future is another area ripe for acceptance. We often take our past experience and our current beliefs about a situation and get busy worrying about what’s ahead. The issue is that much of what we worry about never eventuates. If it does, then the best antidote to our anxiety is taking meaningful action. If it doesn’t, then we’ve expended a lot of unnecessary mental energy. It’s important to recognise how little control we have over our future, just as we can’t rewrite the past. Eckhart Tolle reminds us that the only place where we truly exist is in the present moment. Accepting this fact is crucial to living fully in the Now.
As you go about your day, observe how much acceptance you are bringing to your life. Appreciate the myriad of past experiences that have made you who you are right now. Allow yourself to surrender to your current circumstances and acknowledge the lack of control you truly have over future events. In acceptance you have the ability to have a more realistic view of life. In doing so you are able to cope with what is and harness the ability to make things better.
