Healing the Matriarch

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Aro Ha – An adventure in Well-being

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Here I was – wondering why I, a sixty five year old matronly woman, was sitting in a minivan with a group of strangers heading to a luxury Wellness Retreat. Travelling with women who looked more in their thirties or maybe forties. Beautifully youthful and manicured. I felt slightly out of place as the adventure began.

Yet I was on a journey that’s become more common. Destination travel to health and wellness retreats has increased. Post pandemic it has drawn individuals to potentially reset and restore away from the frenetic pace of modern life, technology and constant expectations. A time devoted to focus holistically on the body, mind and soul. Aro Ha embodies a thoughtful balanced ethos of offerings. Their staff, a beautiful selection of supportive human beings. The surroundings invite a sense of awe and inspiration. It’s no wonder it is gaining recognition and wonderful reviews in this sector.

The road from Queenstown to Glenorchy takes a meandering path along the edge of Lake Wakatipu. It’s one of New Zealand’s most picturesque drives with rolling hills and mountain vistas abundant. Soon the entrance to Aro Ha appeared. A very unassuming rock with the retreats name blended onto its face. As we wind up the hill there is little evidence of the retreat centre’s location. It is hidden beautifully on a hillside. A collection of simple timber structures with a central meeting space for dining, connection and activities.

As I settled into my room, one of four in a complex with two shared bathrooms, I sensed a peace and groundedness. The large window above my bed gives me a beautiful vista of the farmland and setting sun on the mountains beyond. A few cows stand quietly observing the action of the new arrivals. I meet the other women who shared our accommodation. We exchanged our names and a few introductory insights about ourselves. There is the initial awkwardness of a new experience.

The first evening set the tone for our six day stay. After settling into our accommodation the group were invited to an onsite hike to check out the grounds of Aro Ha. While going downhill to the staff quarters was enjoyable the uphill return was challenging. I privately wondered how I would manage the daily hikes ahead. Early evening we were called over our room intercom to the Aro Ha room for Restorative Yoga followed by a beautiful light plant based dinner. Afterwards The group of twenty strangers congregated in the living room for an evening circle. We were welcomed and asked to share two insights with the group.

  1. What has brought you here to Aro Ha Wellness Retreat?
  2. What do you bring to the group?

For me, the desire to experience a wellness retreat had become a wish list item. I had read a short piece about Aro Ha in-flight in an airline magazine and felt an affinity. It’s beautiful surroundings captivated my imagination and I began following Aro Ha on social media and their website. A six day retreat fitted perfectly with a month long trip we planned of New Zealand’s South Island so I knew this was something I could manifest into reality.

The characteristics I felt I could give to the group were my calmness and patience. I have found as I get older, I have developed a greater acceptance of life as it unfolds. The broad perspective of years of experience means little surprises me anymore and I am able to be more curious with life and others and less reactive. It does help that life is calmer around me with less responsibilities and more freedom to choose how I spend my time. I have left my professional life of teaching behind and now pursue more of the things I love – dance, writing and travel.

Each of the Aro Ha days were filled with interesting activity options and nourishing foods predominately from garden to plate. We were woken for yoga to greet the sunrise. While the first day I woke not long before the class began, I found myself drawn to the still and relative darkness of the pre-dawn of the Aro Ha room. Subsequent days I would spend time in private meditation before the others arrived. It became a daily delight to slowly awaken my body while watching the emerging daylight reach the mountains from the room’s stunning vantage point.

Morning’s were for more active pursuits with a daily hike to some stunning walking tracks. Variations of activity level were available with some opting to climb higher peaks while others focused on mindfulness walks in nature. On a particular wet morning we kitted up with full wet weather gear for a walk along the Glenorchy Nature Reserve and picnic in the rain all sitting side by side on a large log. Whichever option we chose, plenty of staff acted as guides and we each carried a walkie talkie to stay in touch along the way. I learnt to master walking poles to aid movement over uneven terrain and techniques to pace my breathe with my steps.

Afternoon activities were interspersed between our daily massages. A highlight I’m sure everyone looked forward to. There were so many interesting offerings including movement and breath-work sessions, mindfulness activities and journaling, kitchen garden tours and talks about preparing plant based meals and the fermentation process. The first few days prepared us beautifully for a day of sacred silence, intermittent fasting and voluntary detoxing from our technology mid retreat.

What were the lovely takeaways I experienced from attending the retreat?

The acceptance – the hugs, younger women gravitating to an older woman who listened. This gave me the opportunity to encourage and support particularly women who were preparing for or in the midst of mothering children. Recognising the fear that young career women have about becoming mothers, particularly concerning losing their freedom and identity as a person. It was lovely to see women gaining assurance from others that it is possible and to trust the journey.

The connection – the small moments of shared experience. Whether it was walking together, asking for or accepting support when needed, snippets of conversation that deepened understanding of each other as individuals. The shared human experience connected each of us regardless of age, gender or life experience.

The learning – There was such a smorgasbord of offerings for both physical and mental well-being. The highlight of the retreat, amongst many highlights, was the Cacao Ceremony. The building of ritual around the drinking of this deliciously prepared beverage was palpable. The interweaving of family constellation work was very powerful and for me provided a healing ‘aha’ moment that had remained elusive. I was able to find real peace in writing a beautiful six page letter to my mother following the experience.

The chance to be me – Those who know me, know I love to dance. There were some lovely opportunities for free flowing movement and Tai Chi during the retreat. I enjoyed expressing movement freely as an older, uninhibited woman. Inspiring others to loosen their bodies in response to movement prompts. I came with no preconceived ideas or expectations of the retreat so this allowed me to stay present with the experiences as they happened.

Post Retreat Reflections

Six days is a short time in our everyday life. A week goes quickly often with us registering very little of the experience in a meaningful way. Taking the time to experience a wellness retreat gave each of us the opportunity to step away from our usual routines and into a space to appreciate natural beauty and receive nurturance. It’s a space equally beneficial for both men and women and for people at different stages of life.

We may have arrived as strangers, yet by the close of the week connections had deepened and conversations flowed more readily. A journal entry captures this change.

‘As the early evening approached on the final full day several of us find relaxation in large beanbags on the open verandah overlooking this magnificent view. More join us and soon there are small groups in natural, relaxed conversation. A few of us marvel at this impromptu women’s circle that’s gathered and one of those present grabs her phone to video record the moment. These are the small, spontaneous moments of life to be savoured.‘

Now dispersed to our daily lives, each of us are armed with memories of the experience and hopefully some habits that can be implemented. While the intensive experience of a retreat cannot be fully replicated in our lives its an opportunity to bring focus to and reset our well-being. I’m glad I chose this particular time in my life journey to experience Aro Ha and all it had to offer.

A Different Experience of Christmas

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While many people are preparing for a full on traditional family Christmas this year, others are craving a low key approach to the coming days. The mental exhaustion associated with emerging post – Covid into a changed world is leading us to re-evaluate our planning, honour our needs and make decisions accordingly.

Advertising started early for gift buying and as the day approaches the last minute shoppers and food purchasers are filling our shopping centres to the brim. Roads and airports are busy transitioning people to their family and holiday destinations.

In the hectic lead up to Christmas have we lost a true sense of what we are celebrating? Putting pressure on ourselves to deliver the perfect gift giving, meals and experience for each other. In the process stretching ourselves physically, emotionally and financially. Perhaps its time to take a calmer and more considered approach to the festive season using each letter of the word Christmas.

Photo by Lore Schodts on Unsplash

Choice – If possible, consciously take the festive season at a slower pace. Counter the consumerism with more thoughtfully planned gift and food purchasing. As the day approaches maintain your daily self-care and rest so that you are not overwhelmed by the day itself. Don’t feel pressured to do Christmas a certain way. Make choices based on your own energy level and desire for socializing and interaction. Some years you may feel motivated to host a large Christmas gathering with all the trimming while other years you may feel happier for a more intimate experience with your immediate family or partner. Choosing low key options for food, gifts and activities. Do what is best for you at the time.

History – This time of year is one that stimulates our memories of past Christmas celebrations. There may be traditions you want to honour that date back to your childhood. The strong emotional memories of past Christmases serve as comparisons for what you currently experience. Take what is valuable and cherished and make these the centrepiece of this year. It can also be a time of creating new traditions and ways of doing things. Change is inevitable as children grow up and create their own celebrations. Marrying into families with different traditions and creating new ones with their own children. Christmas is also a time that highlights the absence of family members who are no longer with us to celebrate. Allow yourself to feel the sadness of this loss. Create rituals to include them – photos, a lit candle, a vase of their favourite flowers. Speak about them and the memories you created with them around Christmas.

Reunion – Christmas is often a time where we gather with family who we don’t necessarily see during the year. Allow for the different personalities and needs of individuals. Feel able to ask for help with physical tasks such as meal preparation to avoid feeling overwhelmed as a host. Step back from creating too much expectation about the day. Large gatherings inevitably create mess so trying to keep a picture perfect setting amongst the activity can create anxiety. Accept what unfolds and deal with the clean up by sharing the load or relegating clean up to later.

‘I’ – Women particularly can take on the role of Christmas co-ordination. Our giving and nurturing nature can mean we invest an incredible amount of energy into Christmas. Recognize when you need to step back and take a break from activities. Take time to replenish yourself both physically and emotionally. Create a Christmas that truly reflects you.

Senses – Christmas is a truly sensory experience. The sight of a decorated Christmas tree and table. The sounds of festive music, laughter and conversation. The smells and tastes of home cooking. Savour these sensory experiences. Take photos and videos and particularly make sure you are also in them. These will be tangible reminders of you for your family in the years ahead. Be aware, particularly with younger children, that their senses can quickly be overloaded with all the activity. Find quiet spaces and activities for them to retreat to. That may also apply to the grownups as well.

Time – We can have so much planned for Christmas Day that we forget to enjoy it. Loosen expectation around what ‘should’ happen and when. If food preparation and sitting down together takes longer allow yourself to go with the flow. A meal made with love has its own timing. Try not to plan too much for the day to allow everyone to savour the moments and conversations.

Money – The festive season is often a time when we extend ourselves financially. Not only in paying our normal bills but in gift buying, travel, holidays and food. Be mindful of spending and ease the burden for others with donations to charities and offering gift cards to help with buying groceries and other needs for Christmas Day. If you have a large gathering ask others attending to contribute financially or with parts of the meal.

Abundance – For most of us we live in a world with ample physical abundance. There is very little we want for. Perhaps this Christmas can be less about the physical ‘things’ and more about our emotional experience. Lets have an abundance of time, connection, happiness, relaxation, peace and yes even sleep. These things hold greater value as we celebrate Christmas.

Spirituality – Remember the ‘reason behind this season’. If you are of Christian faith it is the birth of Jesus Christ that is central to your celebration. The wider themes of generosity and service to others can also be our focus at this time of year.

May this Christmas be all that you hope for. A true representation of who you are and a time of creating wonderful memories.

Five Ways to Stay Grounded within Yourself

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We often don’t give babies credit for the autonomy and individuality they show from the day they are born. Unlike the belief that babies come into this world as ‘blank slates’ to influence and mould, they arrive with their own particular preference for interaction. Some are observant and ready to engage with the world, others close their eyes and retreat within. Each has preferences in how they are held and the level of sensory stimulus they can tolerate.

As parents we are often learning along the way. Each child exhibits their own unique personality, likes and dislikes and energy level. It can come as a shock when the methods that we finally found worked to parent one child are strongly resisted by their younger siblings. As a result different approaches are needed.

The baby and toddler years of human development focus on securely attaching to their main caregivers. Learning that when they indicate a physical or emotional need it is both noticed and then met by others. When this happens, on a reasonably consistent basis, the child feels confident and happy to explore the world around them. As they grow into toddlerhood they become the masters of their own uniqueness – asserting their independence and preferences. All of which is healthy and normal development. (Even if it’s a challenging time for parents)

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself’

George Bernard Shaw

It’s this grounding in childhood that gives us the continual confidence in our own identity. The ability to honour our unique preferences as an adult and advocate for ourselves. It may be helpful to think of this life process using the analogy of a mature tree. The deep roots of secure attachment and belief in ourselves are hopefully developed in childhood. As we mature, this foundation helps us weather the wind and occasional storms of adult life. If we learn that our needs don’t matter in childhood its more difficult to stay confident and grounded in our sense of self in adulthood.

Photo by Kevin Young on Unsplash

Think about the following questions to discover if you have a good sense of ‘me’ as a distinct person from others: –

  1. How comfortable are you to express your own desires, wants, needs and feelings to others? There may be a history of not feeling safe to express needs previously. Attempts may have been ignored or remained unmet. Believe that your requests are as legitimate and important as those of others.
  • How comfortable are you to ask directly for your needs to be met? If you feel reluctant is it due to a sense of discomfort with how it will be received? Often we expect others to automatically know what we need. We become silently frustrated or judgemental toward them when they miss behaviour ‘clues’ and facial expressions. Try instead to express your needs clearly and briefly with an emotional openness to whatever the outcome.
  • Can you trust and maintain your own view when it differs from others? As humans we naturally want to avoid conflict.  Yet it’s still possible to engage in inevitable conflict situations clearly and calmly. Sharing our own particular viewpoint both informs others and helps create respect for differences of opinion.
  • Can you claim your whole self, the gentle sweetness and the problematic behaviour, to allow you to be more authentic in relationships? The more you can delve into how unique and intricate you are as an individual the easier it is to stay true to yourself. You can also be more accepting of the complex personality of others.
  • Can you imagine invisible boundaries between yourself and others? Where your perspective differs from someone else you can even just express those views within your mind. It might sound like ‘I don’t share your views on this issue, yet I respect our difference of opinion’. Accepting our unique and diverse life perspective honours each person’s individuality. We also understand what is most important to us.

We come into this world as separate human beings from others. How those close to us interact and support meeting our needs and desires is crucial. Having a strong sense of ‘me’, separate to others, helps us function effectively in life. When we are heard and honored for our own uniqueness it is easier to be truly ourselves. Its also allows us to respect the needs, wishes and priorities of others.

Keeping Calm in an Unpredictable World

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Just by being human we are exposed to unpleasant situations. Our overriding automatic default is to react with fear, disgust, anger and avoidance. It’s often referred to as the ‘fight or flight’ response. Yet there is another part of our body’s nervous system that is gentler. It’s a more ancient system that produces balanced responses within us rather than reactivity. It’s known as the parasympathetic nervous system. Its job is to soothe and calm. Supporting us to be relaxed and attentive.

The world can feel like a scary place. From childhood we receive messages about dangers lurking around us. To keep our distance from things such as live electricity, busy roads, fire, dangerous animals and strangers. Our learnt vigilance produces an underlying hum of anxiety within us. We tend to look at the world through ‘fear coloured glasses’. Always protecting our safety.

I remember as a child climbing a willow tree beside the dam on our cousin’s farm. We’d been told not to go into the water as it was ‘inhabited by a crocodile’. Not actually true, but words to create enough concern in four young girls to stay safe and avoid entering the water. It didn’t stop our curiosity. We continued to look for signs of that crocodile’s existence from a distance.

Fast forward to this year and our trip to Northern Queensland, Australia, meant we were confronted with a multitude of signs warning of the presence of crocodiles. Real ones, who could take you in an instant. It felt slightly uncomfortable travelling along the Daintree River ‘croc spotting’ from a small boat. Even more unnerving physically seeing large adult crocodiles lazing by a lagoon near our accommodation at Lotusbird Lodge, Musgrave. Luckily this view was from a helicopter.

Yes, crocodiles really existed and were an ever present danger. Yet in reality crocodiles are dormant creatures in winter, preferring to sun themselves on the riverbanks. The actual number of them over the vast area of the Cape York Peninsula also meant an encounter was unlikely. I marvelled at the locals in Weipa and Cape York who seemed unperturbed as they walked and fished beside their well-known coastline. In a sense the signs were a prompt to be alert rather than alarmed.

A crocodile encounter rates as an unpleasant experience for me. I felt a visceral anxiety looking into the murky waters. Yet not everyone feels the same way. Our reactions are highly individual and constructed from what we know and experience. Internalizing our fear is also something we don’t control.

So how can we create a healthy level of anxiety in proportion to threatening situations?

  • Take a moment. Reminding ourselves of things we deeply know already. That we often overestimate threats and underestimate our capabilities and resources to deal with them. We can avoid feeling overwhelmed by stepping back and observing the situation. Seeing the larger picture of what is happening. Acknowledging that everything changes over time, including ourselves. How we are reacting right now is not our identity.  We are just feeling fearful or anxious in this particular moment.

  • Do a reality check – We don’t know the outcome of a situation. The mental stories we tell ourselves are just that, possibilities. Instead think ‘Let’s see how the story unfolds’. Then it’s easier to deal with what is happening right now rather than being overtaken by thoughts of what might occur. We can also take necessary precautions to increase our feeling of safety and sense of calm.

  • Stay curious to your fear – We can gain wisdom from examining our reactions to life. At times how we react to unpleasant situations can be puzzling. Either it’s out of character or over exaggerated in relation to what’s happening. Giving ourselves compassion and kindness around our reactions is a loving response. It also allows us to be more understanding and supportive of others.

  • Practice Mindfulness. There are a host of different types of techniques to help instill calm as our default response. Practice deep, slow breathing. Particularly allowing your out breath to be longer than your in breath. Activities such as warm baths, walking in nature, slow movement and stretches, meditation and visualizing relaxing each part of your body help stimulate the calm response. For the best effect, make these techniques a regular part of your routine.

“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths”

Etty Hillesum

The human experience is challenging. We either react or respond to unpleasant situations. Even anticipating an event can be as unnerving. By responding calmly, we can foster a more balanced and responsive default position to our circumstances.

November 2024
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