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Five Practices for the Present Moment

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The present moment is the only one that we truly exist in and can influence. Author and spiritual teacher Ekhart Tolle believes it’s one that we should grasp consciously with our awareness. To recognise life’s fragility and to focus on those things that are most important.

In this blog, I am introducing five practices that can anchor us in the present moment.

1. Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance simply means acknowledging our reality. We may not like how our life is turning out, yet once we come to a place of acceptance we are in the position to make changes and move forward. Alternatively, if our response is to struggle and reject reality, believing ‘this shouldn’t be happening to me’ and life is unfair, our emotional distress is heightened.

“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be” Sonia Ricotti.

Accepting the Past

When hurtful memories take hold they do so like a dog chewing a bone. Ruminating thoughts and emotions can create constant mind chatter.

At times when I have replayed the past I was confronted with the ‘what ifs’ or ‘what could I have done differently’. I kept second guessing my previous decisions and saw times where I may have possibly behaved differently or changed the trajectory of my life. I blamed myself for things that went wrong. Regret and shame are cruel mistresses.

To quieten my thoughts I used mindfulness, restorative yoga, and writing. Each practice took me out of my headspace and into my body and awareness. A soothing relief for the mind and a way to process emotional distress. I learnt to observe my thoughts and emotions rather than invest in them.

We all hold scars from our past. It is unhelpful to replay the scenarios over and over when we can’t change the story. The first part of radical acceptance is acknowledging the circumstances of the past. Appreciating that each element of past events has made us the person we are right now. We have a choice then of how we continue the story.

Surrendering to the present

The current moment is one of surrender. Acknowledging this is who I am and this is my life – the second act of radical acceptance. With it comes the ability to have gratitude and appreciation for the things that are in our life and determine the next step.

It requires us to give into an act of self-love that encompasses everything about who we are. To create healthy, compassionate boundaries and to step back from people pleasing habits that have become detrimental. These habits form in childhood when we discover that saying ‘yes’ to doing things for others earnt us praise. Patterns which are hard to break and we take them into our adult relationships, parenting style and workplaces. Even if our constant giving and putting others first causes us to feel a sense of resentment or overburden.

Having faith in the future

The final act of radical acceptance is the belief we can influence our future. The ability to manifest characteristics and circumstances that bring us joy. What an amazing thing it is to say – ‘I like the person I am and who I am becoming’. Having the ability to surround ourselves with nurturing relationships, experiences, and contributions we want to make. Each one reflecting the uniqueness of our personalities.

2. Gratitude

No matter what our current circumstances, gratitude is a powerful tool for our well-being. Gratitude shifts our attention away from resentment, regret, guilt and what is missing in our life. It focuses awareness on positive things that actually do exist. Simple facts such as having enough water to drink, the laughter of children, the kindness of others and the delightful smells and tastes from a nourishing meal… (and so much more).

Studies show that cultivating a simple gratitude practice has lasting and important benefits including lifting our mood, increasing life satisfaction and building our resilience to the inevitable challenges of life.

Sometimes we want to wait until we are in a better frame of mind before using a gratitude practice in our life. Yet it’s when life is the most challenging that being thankful for all the small things that are good can help us reframe our perspective.

I personally used a 52 Weeks of Gratitude journal during one of the most difficult years of my life, 2020. I was separated from my husband and not sure of my next step. Each week I filled it out and now it’s an important reminder of my journey to reflect back on.

This trusty journal kept me grounded and eventually helped me to be in the right space to make sound decisions about my life direction.

Questions that the journal prompted: –

  • What I did to take care of myself that week.
  • What made me happy.
  • Important lessons I learnt.
  • Goals I had for the next week.
  • People I am thankful for.
  • What challenged me during the week.
  • Something kind I did for another.

And of course, a list of four things I was particularly grateful for that week.

I encourage you, especially if you are going through a challenging time in life, to try the practice of gratitude. It’s a powerful and positive step to ground you to what’s important in your life.

3. Finding Calm

If you imagine your mind as a snow globe, it can often feel agitated and busy. In this state, the snow globe particles, representing your thoughts, are being vigorously shaken and the globe is unclear and murky.

By giving attention to the state of your mind through slowing down and focusing on your breath or body sensations, all the particles can begin to settle. Gradually your mind feels calmer and clearer. You start to respond rather than react to the world around you.

It’s in that space of calmness and clarity that you’ve created the conditions to allow happiness in. It may be in the form of feeling a sense of inner peace or contentment. It mays also include a feeling of bittersweetness. A broader emotional response that contains both a sense of longing and sorrow alongside feeling joy and appreciation of life.

4. Practicing Mindfulness

‘Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally’ – Jon Kabat-Zinn.

I love this definition of mindfulness. It reminds us of the need to bring ourselves back to the present moment. We all know of times when our thoughts wander away from the ‘now’ to something we have experienced in the past or concerns we may have about the future.

We find ourselves unconsciously reinforcing and embellishing the story we tell. Mindfulness helps us to notice these inner thoughts without judging them right or wrong. Instead, we can gently bring our focus back to the present moment.

It’s also noticing body sensations, gut responses and emotions and labelling them. (This is actually the first part of giving ourselves self-compassion). Acknowledging the ‘ouch’ we feel when responding to life and the icky feeling that arises inside us. What are these bodily responses trying to tell us? Mindfulness is the deliberate practice. A skill or habit we can continually work on.

One of the ways to find present awareness is through meditation. If you have ever done sitting meditation, particularly in the beginning, it’s difficult to sit in the traditional posture. You know the one. Sitting upright, legs crossed, and eyes closed. It’s hard to maintain that posture for any length of time as in modern life we tend to sit in soft lounge chairs rather than crossed legged on the floor. It’s also tricky to have our eyes closed without drifting off to sleep or have them open and not get distracted by what’s happening around us.

In reality, the best posture for meditation is the one that allows you to be both relaxed and alert for an increased length of time. It may be sitting legs crossed or even with both legs straight out in front. You might use cushions to support parts of the body. You may need to alternate between having your eyes open and closed.

Meditation takes practice. Like any new habit it comes easy at first, but resistance tends to set in over time. As you persist a desire to include a meditation practice in your day gradually becomes second nature. Something you look forward to. Something you don’t want to miss.

5. Recognising your Needs

What are some of your current needs? Is it having time to yourself (even if it’s 30 minutes to have a shower or eat a leisurely meal), appreciation from others, feeling loved and accepted for who you are, receiving support and encouragement, fresh air and time in nature or having a listening ear to share life’s challenges. You might be craving interesting work or hobbies that make your life enjoyable and fun.

Our major psychological needs fall into three categories – autonomy, competence and relatedness. With autonomy we want to make decisions in our lives that affect us. Those might be related to our interests, preferences, wants and desires. We need to be able to make those decisions at our own pace and feel supported by others and respected for the particular choices we make.

Competence needs revolve around developing our skills and abilities. Having that feeling we can rise to a challenge successfully and feel satisfaction around completion of a task. Anyone who has found themselves immersed in something they enjoy and achieved a state of ‘flow’ (where time seems to stand still) knows the joy of competence. Attempting tasks that are neither too hard or too easy for us and receiving positive feedback about how we are doing help build our competence. We also need to learn to accept failure and then be willing to try again.

The other important need is around our sense of belonging and relatedness to others. We want to have warm, close, affectionate relationships with others. Connections with people who understand, accept and value us for who we are. We want relationships with others who really care for our well-being.

If we were to conjure up what makes a good day for us it would incorporate each of these psychological needs.

Aro Ha – An adventure in Well-being

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Here I was – wondering why I, a sixty five year old matronly woman, was sitting in a minivan with a group of strangers heading to a luxury Wellness Retreat. Travelling with women who looked more in their thirties or maybe forties. Beautifully youthful and manicured. I felt slightly out of place as the adventure began.

Yet I was on a journey that’s become more common. Destination travel to health and wellness retreats has increased. Post pandemic it has drawn individuals to potentially reset and restore away from the frenetic pace of modern life, technology and constant expectations. A time devoted to focus holistically on the body, mind and soul. Aro Ha embodies a thoughtful balanced ethos of offerings. Their staff, a beautiful selection of supportive human beings. The surroundings invite a sense of awe and inspiration. It’s no wonder it is gaining recognition and wonderful reviews in this sector.

The road from Queenstown to Glenorchy takes a meandering path along the edge of Lake Wakatipu. It’s one of New Zealand’s most picturesque drives with rolling hills and mountain vistas abundant. Soon the entrance to Aro Ha appeared. A very unassuming rock with the retreats name blended onto its face. As we wind up the hill there is little evidence of the retreat centre’s location. It is hidden beautifully on a hillside. A collection of simple timber structures with a central meeting space for dining, connection and activities.

As I settled into my room, one of four in a complex with two shared bathrooms, I sensed a peace and groundedness. The large window above my bed gives me a beautiful vista of the farmland and setting sun on the mountains beyond. A few cows stand quietly observing the action of the new arrivals. I meet the other women who shared our accommodation. We exchanged our names and a few introductory insights about ourselves. There is the initial awkwardness of a new experience.

The first evening set the tone for our six day stay. After settling into our accommodation the group were invited to an onsite hike to check out the grounds of Aro Ha. While going downhill to the staff quarters was enjoyable the uphill return was challenging. I privately wondered how I would manage the daily hikes ahead. Early evening we were called over our room intercom to the Aro Ha room for Restorative Yoga followed by a beautiful light plant based dinner. Afterwards The group of twenty strangers congregated in the living room for an evening circle. We were welcomed and asked to share two insights with the group.

  1. What has brought you here to Aro Ha Wellness Retreat?
  2. What do you bring to the group?

For me, the desire to experience a wellness retreat had become a wish list item. I had read a short piece about Aro Ha in-flight in an airline magazine and felt an affinity. It’s beautiful surroundings captivated my imagination and I began following Aro Ha on social media and their website. A six day retreat fitted perfectly with a month long trip we planned of New Zealand’s South Island so I knew this was something I could manifest into reality.

The characteristics I felt I could give to the group were my calmness and patience. I have found as I get older, I have developed a greater acceptance of life as it unfolds. The broad perspective of years of experience means little surprises me anymore and I am able to be more curious with life and others and less reactive. It does help that life is calmer around me with less responsibilities and more freedom to choose how I spend my time. I have left my professional life of teaching behind and now pursue more of the things I love – dance, writing and travel.

Each of the Aro Ha days were filled with interesting activity options and nourishing foods predominately from garden to plate. We were woken for yoga to greet the sunrise. While the first day I woke not long before the class began, I found myself drawn to the still and relative darkness of the pre-dawn of the Aro Ha room. Subsequent days I would spend time in private meditation before the others arrived. It became a daily delight to slowly awaken my body while watching the emerging daylight reach the mountains from the room’s stunning vantage point.

Morning’s were for more active pursuits with a daily hike to some stunning walking tracks. Variations of activity level were available with some opting to climb higher peaks while others focused on mindfulness walks in nature. On a particular wet morning we kitted up with full wet weather gear for a walk along the Glenorchy Nature Reserve and picnic in the rain all sitting side by side on a large log. Whichever option we chose, plenty of staff acted as guides and we each carried a walkie talkie to stay in touch along the way. I learnt to master walking poles to aid movement over uneven terrain and techniques to pace my breathe with my steps.

Afternoon activities were interspersed between our daily massages. A highlight I’m sure everyone looked forward to. There were so many interesting offerings including movement and breath-work sessions, mindfulness activities and journaling, kitchen garden tours and talks about preparing plant based meals and the fermentation process. The first few days prepared us beautifully for a day of sacred silence, intermittent fasting and voluntary detoxing from our technology mid retreat.

What were the lovely takeaways I experienced from attending the retreat?

The acceptance – the hugs, younger women gravitating to an older woman who listened. This gave me the opportunity to encourage and support particularly women who were preparing for or in the midst of mothering children. Recognising the fear that young career women have about becoming mothers, particularly concerning losing their freedom and identity as a person. It was lovely to see women gaining assurance from others that it is possible and to trust the journey.

The connection – the small moments of shared experience. Whether it was walking together, asking for or accepting support when needed, snippets of conversation that deepened understanding of each other as individuals. The shared human experience connected each of us regardless of age, gender or life experience.

The learning – There was such a smorgasbord of offerings for both physical and mental well-being. The highlight of the retreat, amongst many highlights, was the Cacao Ceremony. The building of ritual around the drinking of this deliciously prepared beverage was palpable. The interweaving of family constellation work was very powerful and for me provided a healing ‘aha’ moment that had remained elusive. I was able to find real peace in writing a beautiful six page letter to my mother following the experience.

The chance to be me – Those who know me, know I love to dance. There were some lovely opportunities for free flowing movement and Tai Chi during the retreat. I enjoyed expressing movement freely as an older, uninhibited woman. Inspiring others to loosen their bodies in response to movement prompts. I came with no preconceived ideas or expectations of the retreat so this allowed me to stay present with the experiences as they happened.

Post Retreat Reflections

Six days is a short time in our everyday life. A week goes quickly often with us registering very little of the experience in a meaningful way. Taking the time to experience a wellness retreat gave each of us the opportunity to step away from our usual routines and into a space to appreciate natural beauty and receive nurturance. It’s a space equally beneficial for both men and women and for people at different stages of life.

We may have arrived as strangers, yet by the close of the week connections had deepened and conversations flowed more readily. A journal entry captures this change.

‘As the early evening approached on the final full day several of us find relaxation in large beanbags on the open verandah overlooking this magnificent view. More join us and soon there are small groups in natural, relaxed conversation. A few of us marvel at this impromptu women’s circle that’s gathered and one of those present grabs her phone to video record the moment. These are the small, spontaneous moments of life to be savoured.‘

Now dispersed to our daily lives, each of us are armed with memories of the experience and hopefully some habits that can be implemented. While the intensive experience of a retreat cannot be fully replicated in our lives its an opportunity to bring focus to and reset our well-being. I’m glad I chose this particular time in my life journey to experience Aro Ha and all it had to offer.

A Different Experience of Christmas

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While many people are preparing for a full on traditional family Christmas this year, others are craving a low key approach to the coming days. The mental exhaustion associated with emerging post – Covid into a changed world is leading us to re-evaluate our planning, honour our needs and make decisions accordingly.

Advertising started early for gift buying and as the day approaches the last minute shoppers and food purchasers are filling our shopping centres to the brim. Roads and airports are busy transitioning people to their family and holiday destinations.

In the hectic lead up to Christmas have we lost a true sense of what we are celebrating? Putting pressure on ourselves to deliver the perfect gift giving, meals and experience for each other. In the process stretching ourselves physically, emotionally and financially. Perhaps its time to take a calmer and more considered approach to the festive season using each letter of the word Christmas.

Photo by Lore Schodts on Unsplash

Choice – If possible, consciously take the festive season at a slower pace. Counter the consumerism with more thoughtfully planned gift and food purchasing. As the day approaches maintain your daily self-care and rest so that you are not overwhelmed by the day itself. Don’t feel pressured to do Christmas a certain way. Make choices based on your own energy level and desire for socializing and interaction. Some years you may feel motivated to host a large Christmas gathering with all the trimming while other years you may feel happier for a more intimate experience with your immediate family or partner. Choosing low key options for food, gifts and activities. Do what is best for you at the time.

History – This time of year is one that stimulates our memories of past Christmas celebrations. There may be traditions you want to honour that date back to your childhood. The strong emotional memories of past Christmases serve as comparisons for what you currently experience. Take what is valuable and cherished and make these the centrepiece of this year. It can also be a time of creating new traditions and ways of doing things. Change is inevitable as children grow up and create their own celebrations. Marrying into families with different traditions and creating new ones with their own children. Christmas is also a time that highlights the absence of family members who are no longer with us to celebrate. Allow yourself to feel the sadness of this loss. Create rituals to include them – photos, a lit candle, a vase of their favourite flowers. Speak about them and the memories you created with them around Christmas.

Reunion – Christmas is often a time where we gather with family who we don’t necessarily see during the year. Allow for the different personalities and needs of individuals. Feel able to ask for help with physical tasks such as meal preparation to avoid feeling overwhelmed as a host. Step back from creating too much expectation about the day. Large gatherings inevitably create mess so trying to keep a picture perfect setting amongst the activity can create anxiety. Accept what unfolds and deal with the clean up by sharing the load or relegating clean up to later.

‘I’ – Women particularly can take on the role of Christmas co-ordination. Our giving and nurturing nature can mean we invest an incredible amount of energy into Christmas. Recognize when you need to step back and take a break from activities. Take time to replenish yourself both physically and emotionally. Create a Christmas that truly reflects you.

Senses – Christmas is a truly sensory experience. The sight of a decorated Christmas tree and table. The sounds of festive music, laughter and conversation. The smells and tastes of home cooking. Savour these sensory experiences. Take photos and videos and particularly make sure you are also in them. These will be tangible reminders of you for your family in the years ahead. Be aware, particularly with younger children, that their senses can quickly be overloaded with all the activity. Find quiet spaces and activities for them to retreat to. That may also apply to the grownups as well.

Time – We can have so much planned for Christmas Day that we forget to enjoy it. Loosen expectation around what ‘should’ happen and when. If food preparation and sitting down together takes longer allow yourself to go with the flow. A meal made with love has its own timing. Try not to plan too much for the day to allow everyone to savour the moments and conversations.

Money – The festive season is often a time when we extend ourselves financially. Not only in paying our normal bills but in gift buying, travel, holidays and food. Be mindful of spending and ease the burden for others with donations to charities and offering gift cards to help with buying groceries and other needs for Christmas Day. If you have a large gathering ask others attending to contribute financially or with parts of the meal.

Abundance – For most of us we live in a world with ample physical abundance. There is very little we want for. Perhaps this Christmas can be less about the physical ‘things’ and more about our emotional experience. Lets have an abundance of time, connection, happiness, relaxation, peace and yes even sleep. These things hold greater value as we celebrate Christmas.

Spirituality – Remember the ‘reason behind this season’. If you are of Christian faith it is the birth of Jesus Christ that is central to your celebration. The wider themes of generosity and service to others can also be our focus at this time of year.

May this Christmas be all that you hope for. A true representation of who you are and a time of creating wonderful memories.

Five Ways to Stay Grounded within Yourself

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We often don’t give babies credit for the autonomy and individuality they show from the day they are born. Unlike the belief that babies come into this world as ‘blank slates’ to influence and mould, they arrive with their own particular preference for interaction. Some are observant and ready to engage with the world, others close their eyes and retreat within. Each has preferences in how they are held and the level of sensory stimulus they can tolerate.

As parents we are often learning along the way. Each child exhibits their own unique personality, likes and dislikes and energy level. It can come as a shock when the methods that we finally found worked to parent one child are strongly resisted by their younger siblings. As a result different approaches are needed.

The baby and toddler years of human development focus on securely attaching to their main caregivers. Learning that when they indicate a physical or emotional need it is both noticed and then met by others. When this happens, on a reasonably consistent basis, the child feels confident and happy to explore the world around them. As they grow into toddlerhood they become the masters of their own uniqueness – asserting their independence and preferences. All of which is healthy and normal development. (Even if it’s a challenging time for parents)

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself’

George Bernard Shaw

It’s this grounding in childhood that gives us the continual confidence in our own identity. The ability to honour our unique preferences as an adult and advocate for ourselves. It may be helpful to think of this life process using the analogy of a mature tree. The deep roots of secure attachment and belief in ourselves are hopefully developed in childhood. As we mature, this foundation helps us weather the wind and occasional storms of adult life. If we learn that our needs don’t matter in childhood its more difficult to stay confident and grounded in our sense of self in adulthood.

Photo by Kevin Young on Unsplash

Think about the following questions to discover if you have a good sense of ‘me’ as a distinct person from others: –

  1. How comfortable are you to express your own desires, wants, needs and feelings to others? There may be a history of not feeling safe to express needs previously. Attempts may have been ignored or remained unmet. Believe that your requests are as legitimate and important as those of others.
  • How comfortable are you to ask directly for your needs to be met? If you feel reluctant is it due to a sense of discomfort with how it will be received? Often we expect others to automatically know what we need. We become silently frustrated or judgemental toward them when they miss behaviour ‘clues’ and facial expressions. Try instead to express your needs clearly and briefly with an emotional openness to whatever the outcome.
  • Can you trust and maintain your own view when it differs from others? As humans we naturally want to avoid conflict.  Yet it’s still possible to engage in inevitable conflict situations clearly and calmly. Sharing our own particular viewpoint both informs others and helps create respect for differences of opinion.
  • Can you claim your whole self, the gentle sweetness and the problematic behaviour, to allow you to be more authentic in relationships? The more you can delve into how unique and intricate you are as an individual the easier it is to stay true to yourself. You can also be more accepting of the complex personality of others.
  • Can you imagine invisible boundaries between yourself and others? Where your perspective differs from someone else you can even just express those views within your mind. It might sound like ‘I don’t share your views on this issue, yet I respect our difference of opinion’. Accepting our unique and diverse life perspective honours each person’s individuality. We also understand what is most important to us.

We come into this world as separate human beings from others. How those close to us interact and support meeting our needs and desires is crucial. Having a strong sense of ‘me’, separate to others, helps us function effectively in life. When we are heard and honored for our own uniqueness it is easier to be truly ourselves. Its also allows us to respect the needs, wishes and priorities of others.

May 2025
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