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The importance of Sleep

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Good quality sleep is such a crucial part of our wellbeing. Have you noticed it’s one of the first things to go as our adrenal glands become fatigued, as we enter midlife and as our hormonal balance begins to shift?

Heading to bed only to watch the ceiling, or our sleeping partner, unable to calm our body and brain. Even if we fall asleep straight away, sleep is lighter and more easily disturbed. We stir back into consciousness and the usual trip to the bathroom.

We grew up with wonderful fairy tales of sleeping princesses, believed in the notion that we could ‘sleep like a baby’ (from experience we know that’s rather removed from the truth). As women we live in a fast paced, modern world. If we allow it, we are hooked to technology and more connected than ever. Filling our schedules with a multitude of roles and responsibilities.

It’s a world that is more suitable for men. Our feminine cyclical nature requires a more nurturing flow. No wonder that when we crave sleep, it can become elusive.

Photo by Jopopz Tallorin on Unsplash

Without a good night’s sleep, we wake up feeling tired rather than energized. Unable to concentrate properly, which leads us to forget things and make mistakes. We can feel irritable rather than have a sense of peace and calm. Research also suggests that lack of sleep is related to weight gain, depressed immune system and psychological depression. Sleep loss becomes a roller coaster of cause and effect.

Sleep is especially important in the second half of life – ‘the holy grail’ for a lot of menopausal women.’

Susan Willson, Making Sense of Menopause.

Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, has a lot to do with our sleep quality. When our cortisol level remains high at bedtime it’s difficult for us to switch off, relax and fall asleep.

Cortisol is normally high when we get up in the morning. Priming us for what we have planned for the day. There’s a steep drop around noon (hence the feeling of needing an afternoon nap). We regain energy into the evening. Then our lowest levels of cortisol come between 10.00 – 10.30pm encouraging our body toward sleep.

What causes our cortisol levels to remain high at night?

  • Staying up later than the body’s natural signal for sleep.
  • Screen time. Watching T.V and other devices. Both overstimulate the brain and cause the cortisol level to rise.
  • The stresses of normal day to day modern life. The mental and physical fatigue of a busy day. Replaying the ‘dramas’ and conversations of the day as our head hits the pillow.

Creating calm bedtime rituals gives the body a signal to slow down for sleep. Here are some suggestions:-

  • Lighter, nutritious meals eaten earlier in the evening.
  • Allowing a minimum of 30 minutes between T.V/devices and bedtime. (One hour is even better).
  • Taking a shower, reading a book, yoga, quiet meditation or drinking a calming tea.
  • Dimming lights, bedding suited to the temperature and fresh air from open windows if available.
  • Going with your body’s natural craving for sleep even if it means an early bedtime. Slowly bringing your current bedtime back toward 10.00 – 10.30pm.

Getting quality sleep is important for women. It’s an anchor for how we cope with the transition through menopause and beyond. Honouring your own needs during the day and creating evening rituals prior to bedtime help to encourage a restful night’s sleep.

Being on Time Matters

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During our working and parenting days life typically ran to a tight and busy schedule. Once this framework of commitments falls away many of us continue to crave the contentment of a steady, replacement schedule. Our diaries and phone calendars fill with catch ups with friends, appointments, fitness or creative activities, trips away and jobs around our homes. Although it can feel more fluid, having a schedule in later life remains just as important for our well-being.

Lately I’ve felt the need to speak from my heart about the topic of punctuality. I have a wonderful activity that I both benefit greatly from and enjoy connecting with the other participants. The angst I’m having is with the lateness of the commencement of classes. I would be fine with it if it was a one off situation, due to an unforeseen emergency. That would be understandable. Unfortunately in this case it has become problematic.

Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash

Why is it important to be on time?

Punctuality impacts everyone’s day

In some sense we all create a schedule for our days. Taking time and energy, even if it’s only just in our mind, to ensure that our activities flow and are achievable. When we have a framework it helps us get the most out of our time.

Our planning takes into account more than the actual time for the activity. Other circumstances need to be considered – such as what we wear, what we take with us, and our travel time to its location. Preparation is key to arriving well in time for the commencement of an activity. Time for set up, catching our own thoughts and moving to a sense of calm and readiness. Greeting each other and feeling present and ready to start. Commencing on time also allows participants to relax, enjoy and fully benefit from the activity.

When activities begin late it impacts both our personal experience and also that of others. If the day starts with an adjustment of our schedule it seems to continue through the day. Time wasted due to lateness can mushroom out to create a wider impact.

‘A single lateness can truly have a domino effect on others’ schedules and the people with which they interact’

Rashelle Isip (The Order Expert’s Guide to Time Management)

Tip: Always put in a ‘time cushion’ in case of unforeseen delays. Look to arrive at least five minutes before the planned commencement if you are a participant. Even earlier if you are leading an activity.

It shows respect for others’ time

Each participant in an activity is important. When punctuality is an issue those who arrive on time become disadvantaged rather than respected. They are left waiting around for others to arrive and in the process can become increasingly frustrated and annoyed. For those who rely heavily on an ordered routine, perhaps due to autism or a developmental delay, it can be particularly challenging to process.

When someone is late it communicates a lot. It tells others that they think their time and what they do with it is more important. Inadvertently saying to others ‘I don’t care about you or your schedule’. It can also show others their unreliability and disorganization. Not a particularly good reputation to foster.

People may be reluctant to voice their irritation but the consequence may be to create distance from the person or withdraw from the activity altogether. Both solutions are unhelpful for sustaining positive connection and the benefits from participating. At least an apology for tardiness shows a sense of awareness of the issue. It’s more important to repair and focus on creating a habit of consistent punctuality in the future.

Being on time shows a level of care towards those attending and wishing not to inconvenience them. It also increases the level of trust between people and helps establish a reputation for being a person others can rely on.

Tip: Create a habit of being more conscious of time. Take regular glances at the clock to ensure you are flowing efficiently from one activity to another. Working backwards from a commencement time to realistically gauge how long ‘getting ready and getting there’ will take is a good strategy. Use all the technology available to plan time and distance.

It impacts our mood

When you are always rushing from A to B your ability to make decisions and be present in the moment suffers. Being late can be stressful. Making you less focused and more prone to distraction and mistakes. Giving yourself ample time to arrive at an activity helps you to feel calm and composed. Prepared and ready to both enjoy and gain the activity’s benefits. For those around you punctuality helps create harmonious relationships. Everyone enjoys and gets the most out of what is planned and delivered.

Tip: Make life calmer by being well prepared. Have all you need to take with you accessible and together. Knowing where everything you need is helps to avoid stressful, quick exits from home to activities.

The etiquette rule of being on time remains a valuable one. It benefits not only ourselves but also those around us. It allows us to plan our days effectively and to show respect for the time and presence of others.

 When lateness becomes an issue it can cause tension and angst between us. For those who are habitually late it creates an unenviable reputation.  One which may not be voiced to them but shows up as distancing and disconnection.

Finding Ourselves in our Stories

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Words are powerful yet they are only a small part of our communication with others. The tone with which we speak shares our emotions. The perspective of what we have to say shows the processing of our internal thoughts. Our body language – facial expressions, posture, gestures and eye movement, can support what we are saying or convey an entirely different message altogether.

The words we express are only part of our internal dialogue. At times we find it hard to find just the ‘right’ words to express our opinions, thoughts and feelings. When we do, our words can be misconstrued by the recipient.  It’s not an easy task to communicate effectively with others.

Yet communication is a powerful tool. For learning, confidence, connection, reflection and healing. I’m using my previous blog posts to explore this topic. Hopefully you will find a few strategies and insights to ponder. If you wish to read further there are links below to the full blogs.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

The Power of our own Life Story

By the time we reach the third trimester of life, a term defined by author of Smart, Stupid & Sixty Nigel Marsh, much has happened. There are a myriad of experiences to draw meaning from. Lessons learnt from both the good and the bad, the expected and the ones we didn’t see come from ‘left field’. We may feel our story is unimportant or fairly mundane yet in reflection we have the opportunity to explore its richness and find wisdom that’s valuable for both ourselves and others.

Methodically thinking back over parts of our lives can allow for reflection and healing. From the present day perspective it is possible to see past events within a bigger framework of life as a whole. There is the possibility for acceptance and forgiveness for what we remember. Its also possible to see how a particular incident has impacted our lives over time. Even where trauma has been involved, the potential for growth is more likely than us remaining unable to move forward in our lives. (Linda Graham – Resilience expert and author of Bouncing Back).

My own journey of reflection has allowed me to find my voice and gain powerful insight on past events and their impact. My tool of choice has been to write my thoughts within the framework of a blog. There are also other creative means such as poetry, song writing, podcasting, memoir and journalling.

Read more ….

Finding my voice

The Power of our Story

“Humans are the only species that share stories. We’d be lost without them. With them, we find ourselves.”

Barbara Fulton Singer/Actor (Come from Away).

The Courage to Speak Up

Communication is easy when we agree with the views of the other person. We can reinforce each other’s perspective and feel a real sense of connection. The difficulty comes when we see life differently to someone else. In a sense our stories about life collide.

It takes a level of determination and courage to express our own unique point of view. To delve into disagreement rather than maintain an uncomfortable peace. A healthy level of conflict can help clear the air and open up increased respect for the differing needs and perspectives of each other. Its opposite can lead to giving and receiving silent treatment from others. Something detrimental to relationships if left unchecked. Read more in this article by Bernard Golden Ph.D.

Important conversations require some careful planning. Its important to first clarify your own viewpoint. Introduce the possibility of a conversation. You could start with ‘I’ve been thinking about … lately. Do you mind if we set aside a time to chat about it? This gives the other person time to reflect on their own thoughts on the subject. When you’ve created a space for the discussion take your time as things can feel emotionally uncomfortable. It’s also important to avoid distractions.

We can go through life sitting on the sidelines. Feeling our opinions are not valuable or appreciated by others. Increasingly feeling our needs and priorities remain unmet. It takes confidence to find our voice, particularly if we put the fear of how others will react before our own need for expression. Imagine the possibilities of being vulnerable enough to share your opinions more openly. Being your best advocate and the reward of finding your deeper, more authentic, and less censored sense of self.

Read more ….

Sharing our version of the story

Having difficult Conversations

Failing to Speak up in Life

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.’

Neale Donald Walsch

Using Emotional Intelligence when we communicate

During our lives we are developing knowledge about our world. Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage our own emotions and those of the people around us. When someone has a high degree of emotional intelligence: – they know what they are feeling, what their emotions mean and how they affect others. There is a rich awareness in their story about life.

The skill set for emotional intelligence includes self-awareness, self-management of our own emotions, empathy for others and sound relationships (the heart skills of inspiring and motivating others and effectively managing conflict).

Emotional Intelligence can be improved on with effort and understanding. It is a work in progress, as skills such as conflict resolution may always remain difficult for us in our professional and personal lives.

Read more …

Communicating with Emotional Intelligence

Leaving a Legacy through our words and stories

When we type words on our devices they have a uniformity. We can choose a particular font to use yet it is not uniquely ours. One thing that is often treasured by others is our handwritten messages to them. Stored within birthday cards, thank you notes and tried and true recipes. They reflect a personal sense of that person deliberately putting pen to paper in their own particular style. When our loved ones are gone they are tangible evidence of their previous existence. I’ve accumulated a special collection of handwritten examples from family members who are no longer alive. I hope to do the same for my own family.

Another thing to ponder is how others will remember your life. From experience I know how difficult it is to write the eulogy of a family member for their funeral. It makes sense to keep a written recollection of particular memories while you are still alive to aid your loved ones in the writing of your own eulogy. Funny stories, things you loved doing, memorable occasions, ways you contributed, can all be included. Also think about meaningful ways you wish to be remembered – favourite songs, verse and special photos that depict your unique life.

In that way your own story transcends your physical presence. You collate the highlights for yourself and allow space for your loved ones to expand the story with their own reflections.

Read more …

The Handwritten Note.

Writing Yourself Home.

Our life story continually evolves. Over time we add new chapters and revisit previous ones with more clarity. As we interact with others our stories become refined.

There are opportunities along the way for us to record our stories through a range of creative means. Collating our recollections in tangible ways. Finding ourselves in those stories and choosing those reminders of us that will remain beyond our physical existence.

Be Your Best Friend

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Psychologist Dr Rick Hanson suggests that one of the basic self-care strategies for good mental health is befriending ourselves. It may seem obvious but often we act like a much better friend to others than we do to ourselves. Much of it is unconscious. Deeply rooted in our childhood experiences and the expectations of others. It is not until we pause and really reflect on situations and relationships that its possible to see if we are being ‘our own best friend’.

woman holding gray ceramic mug
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

We befriend ourselves when we: –

Stay grounded in our self-awareness. Living life according to our unique core values. Being aware of our strengths and also our vulnerabilities. When we face life challenges we look for resources to overcome each obstacle that arises. We examine our beliefs when we think we are not important or worthy of nurture and attention.

Honour that all beings, including ourselves, are treated with decency, care and respect. That means responding toward ourselves as we would to others in a similar situation. Psychologist Kristen Neff suggests that self-compassion is a gift to ourselves that gives us the strength and resources to maintain giving to others without feeling burnt out.

In effect, we become better resourced to care for the needs of others. Just like the basic piece of aircraft safety advice – ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’. Mothers find this particularly hard to do as primary caregivers of their children. Yet unless they find strategies to share the load and create time for themselves they can easily become overwhelmed.

Make our life decisions based on what is best for us. You have the most power and responsibility over shaping your future self. If you give that task over to others you lose control of your personal fulfillment and life purpose.

When we take the stance of “my life matters, it matters to me” – supporting and prioritizing ourselves and our own needs. How would you act in a tricky or challenging situation where your needs and priorities clashed with others?

‘If we can’t love ourselves, we can’t really love our life’ – everything unfolds from that’.

Tara Brach

Sometimes befriending ourselves is easier said than done. Life situations can overwhelm us and we end up putting our priorities on the backburner. It’s also possible that we feel so distanced from our own identity that we really don’t know what we need. A stalemate may exist around our ability to enjoy life and see where we now fit in. This can happen particularly at life transitions – early parenthood, retirement at the end of a career, empty nesting our families. If that is you, be kind to yourself and begin exploring your most important needs right now.

Another major hijacker of our self-care are our thoughts and beliefs. As a child our needs may have been deliberately or inadvertently neglected. As a result we begin to see meeting those needs as unimportant. This mindset can continue into adulthood. Re-examine your beliefs and the ways you speak to yourself. If you are self-critical, examine where the thoughts may have originated and if they are true.

The need to ‘people please’ can also have a long history, particularly for women, as it links identity to prioritizing the needs of others over ourselves. Living this way may bring admiration from others but it may also make it difficult to be aware of and prioritize personal needs. A balance between the two – pleasing others and pleasing ourselves – is important. It requires courage to sometimes let others down and deal with a certain level of conflict to redress imbalances of power and importance. If this sounds like you, seek courage to make yourself matter.

Befriending ourselves isn’t easy. It requires ongoing monitoring of what’s happening in our lives. While it is challenging, it also rewarding. Particularly for our sense of happiness, pleasure and self-worth. We also need to feel that we are the directors of our lives in meaningful ways. When these elements come together there is a sense of engaging with the world with wholeness, ease and contentment. Think about what sort of friend you are being to yourself right now. Are you giving yourself care and attention? Are you advocating for what is most important to you? If you’re unsure, it may be time to assess if you are befriending yourself.

May 2025
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