I have always been fascinated by the story line of the movie Sliding Doors. As London woman, Helen Quilley (played by Gwyneth Paltrow) unexpectedly misses her train ride home, she opens up a pandora’s box of two alternate futures. Both of these scenarios are explored during the course of the movie.

When we look at life we can see where opportunities have arisen and doors to an alternate possible future have opened. Equally, if we listen intuitively, we can hear and feel the experience of doors in our lives closing. It may be a stage of life, for example, our children grow up and no longer need our ever-present care and support. Perhaps a painful reality of the journey to losing a loved one. It can also be in a situation, where staying creates more pain than letting go and moving on.

Often it’s a crossroad or ‘fork in the road’ in our lives that begins momentum. For me, it was the painful reality of choosing between an idyllic seaside life with my husband or the heart yearning voice of needing to return to my roots and spend time with my children and grandchildren.

I sat in the pain of trying to resolve this for some time. It sapped my energy and quashed my happiness. At one point, where I felt I couldn’t find resolution, I lay in my bed refusing to engage with the world. I wondered how I deserved this lot in life. Life seemed so unfair as I looked at others around me connected as extended families.

Yet in time I eventually persevered through each day. Making some conscious decisions to visit my hometown, children, and grandchildren more often. Wondering if that would quell my inner sadness. You know, we are persistent creatures, often continuing through our pain and suffering hoping for a solution to appear – a light at the end of the tunnel.

Little seeds of possibility began to show themselves. As the physical solutions became apparent – a home to live in and a reason to make the move, my desire to take action and open this door of opportunity grew. Once I had made the decision to take action a strange thing happened. My whole body calmed and I began to feel a weight lifted. Intuitively I knew the Universe had my back and everything would be O.K. Much of the tension and sadness had been released.

“Be brave enough to give away what is not good for you”

David Whyte – Half A Shade Braver September 2020 Series.

It has been a two-year journey to find the convergence of my heart’s desires and my answers. What have I learnt from stepping through the open door?

• To trust myself, beyond my constant thoughts. To check more deeply within to my heart and gut for the quieter signposts of realization. Then to create space and silence to delve deeply into my own healing and unique solutions.
• To be selfish around my personal needs. To look into my own reflection and ask – What do you need? After walking the maternal tightrope between being selfless in my mothering role and selfish in my personal needs, more the former than the later, I now make myself a priority.
• To be brave and step out of my comfort zone. Taking heart felt actions that resonate.
• To connect more deeply in my interactions and conversations with others. This only came from truly knowing the person I was becoming and enjoying how my life was unfolding.

In our current world, we have been given a gift. It’s the gift of more time and opportunity to go deeper and contemplate what is most important in our lives. We have been brought to a new reality. Embrace the opportunity to see if doors are quietly closing or opening for you. Be brave and contemplate what it might be like to put your heart felt needs first and venture through that opening door.

When I share Gardner’s multiple intelligence theory with early childhood educators a light bulb moment often happens. Rather than seeing intelligence narrowly as IQ tests and factual knowledge, suddenly they realize that children’s learning is much broader. Some learn best while their bodies are moving, others through music or language.  The social butterflies in the classroom learn effectively in connection with others, while some children prefer space to think alone. Nature, maths, or science may be a stimulus for knowledge gathering.

Educators learn to accommodate all types of learners in their classroom. It is an enlightening way to think about intelligence.

Recently I have come across a similar multiple perspective – this time around the concept of courage. It really resonated with me. The most common way we look at courage is as a form of masculine outward bravery. Think superheroes on a battlefield or fighting an inferno. Yet there are also other ‘softer’ forms of courage that are worthy to explore. Each one strengthens particular human traits we are aiming for in our lives. They also take us out of our comfort zone and strengthen our character.

Physical Courage: To have the resilience to continue moving forward in life. The ability to be brave. To persevere when the going gets tough and it would be easier to just give up. Physical courage is also seen as staying rooted in the present moment. To listen and share deeply in our interactions with others. To focus on The Now as Eckhart Tolle would say, as that is really the only moment we exist in. It’s being able to achieve balance between our busy lives and sitting in stillness, observant and aware of what is going on around us. Courage as a skill to practice every day.

Social Courage: To be ourselves in an authentic and unapologetic way. The work of Brene Brown is a wonderful start to exploring this type of courage. Vulnerability and shame speak to the softer, more human side of courageously turning up in life.

Moral Courage: This is the ability to stand up for what we believe, even though it may be uncomfortable or unpopular. It’s the ability to advocate for our own viewpoint or to create awareness more widely for the plight of others. It takes a certain form of bravery to find our voice and stand out from popular opinion.

“What if the world is holding its breath – waiting for you to take the place that only you can fill?”

David Whyte – Irish Poet

Emotional Courage: Being able to feel the breadth of our emotions – both the good and the bad. Not seeing them as our identity, but more our bodily response to what is happening around us. To be unashamed to show these emotions and share them with vulnerability. This is a healing type of courage. Very much the opposite of the ‘stiff upper lip’ of hiding our emotions from others.

Intellectual Courage: The ability to be fallible with knowledge. To learn, unlearn and relearn with an open and flexible mind. To know our knowledge and wisdom is tied to our particular view and experience of the world. To be open to the perspective of others. It’s the courage to make mistakes and learn difficult life lessons.

Spiritual Courage: To strive for purpose and meaning in our lives through a heart centred approach towards both ourselves and all life. To believe in the unseen and to uphold personal standards that benefit the collective good of our families and communities. This type of courage is a quiet and considered one.

Now that I have presented various faces of courage I intend to follow this with a series of blogs exploring each one. I hope you will join me in this broadened conversation of how we can live more courageously in our lives.

The words ‘healing the matriarch’ encapsulate the personal growth journey I have taken over the past two years. Almost to the date, I drew a line in the sand of my life and decided it was too painful to continue in its current form. I longed for a different life, and a different me. I am a wife, mother, and grandmother – yet in the definition of all those roles I had somehow lost myself.

I had been feverishly trying to find direction. Attending courses on skills to build my self- worth, confidence and direction in life. Reading books in positive psychology. Delving into yoga and meditation. Yet I knew underneath I needed to dig back into my past to life events that had remained unresolved and unhealed. The pain of stepping out of my marriage of almost forty years was superseded by the immense pain of feeling stuck in grief and depression. Both these states were not pretty and had eaten away at my sense of worth and contentment.

A solution came by serendipity, as furniture and a short-term rental home became surprisingly available in the town of my birth. I remember the months preparing for the move feeling a sense of anticipation and calm that the Universe had my back. In reality it was awkward and uncomfortable experiencing the silence between my husband and myself, but I had an intuitive sense that my decision making was right. For the first time in a long time I was honouring and prioritizing myself.

Two things, on the day I left, remain in my memory. I made a short video expressing my feelings about the journey I was about to embark on. The woman in that video feels like a stranger, I can dimly recall her, yet I marvel at her calm and courage to act. The second memory is a feeling that the closer I travelled toward my hometown the more I felt inner peace. I had a sense I was not journeying alone, and I had my children and grandchildren waiting at my destination.

I stepped confidently into life within months of arrival. Buoyed by the familiarity of home and soothed by the family and friendship connections that were developing. I felt fitter and happier than I had in a long time. I also found I was building sufficient strength to begin working on both the possibility of repairing my marriage and resolving the inner hurts that had plagued me. Tentatively I found my life perspective and began voicing it with my husband. We had not had such open and vulnerable conversation in years.

A major source of healing was grieving the loss of my own mother and grandmother. By the time I was in my early twenties they were no longer in my life. I faced marriage and motherhood without my feminine matriarchs to guide me and share the experience. Having my own children and grandchildren around was a calming balm. I had so longed to emulate the experience I had of an available grandmother figure during my childhood. Her love seemed unconditional and she had an endless repertoire of songs and rhymes. She had become my desired role model.

As I visited my mother’s and grandmother’s graves and truly connected the memories we had shared when they were alive, my heart softened. I also saw myself as less of a victim of circumstance in life and more with a grateful heart for the part they had played and the legacy of their existence in my life.

I discovered that at the point of no longer feeling victim and stuck in my situation, that life’s lessons could be learnt. Inner courage, authenticity, self-nurturance, and appreciation of my personal qualities emerged. I was gaining clarity and future direction. I felt a confidence to let go of any outcome in my life and focus on responding as the person I had become. She too was a stranger but one I was excited to get to know.

Living during the social isolation and early lock-down of the pandemic became the impetus for stepping into establishing my blogging voice. With time and no distractions, I was able to incubate the project of creating Healing the Matriarch as a website blog. I also instigated a Facebook page and private group to allow a community of women to gather and share their wisdom and life experience.

I found my writing flowed naturally and allowed me to express my personal journey in a meaningful way.  My wish is that others gain comfort and inspiration from vicariously sharing my experience. I believe that we each have the inner reserves to change what no longer works in our lives. I also marvel at the beautiful, unexpected rewards that emerged from taking conscious actionable steps toward changing my own circumstances.

Postscript: I am feeling blessed to have taken this journey. At the time of writing, I have returned to my life and marriage with a deeper appreciation of my self-worth. There is also an inner excitement for what my future has to offer.