Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

You are here: Home / Archives for Courage

Closing Chapters and Opening Possibilities

by

Five years ago a chapter closed on my life. I was at an impasse, unhappy with life and my place in it at the time. When I look back on that time I was coming up to a major birthday, often a prompt for personal reflection. I felt I was giving up on dreams I had for myself and feeling unsettled where I lived. It became the impetus for me making some major life decisions.

I began gravitating between two worlds. The one with my husband in a coastal city. The other with my children and their children living within the same country town. The kilometres between both places was vast. Yet I would regularly hop in my car and take the two day trip to see my family.

Eventually I was taking the journey more frequently and could see where I was most needed. Not with my husband in cosy, comfortable retirement. Instead I saw the increasing needs of my children’s growing families and craving the experience of hands on grand parenting.

The decision wasn’t easy but the logistics were. Just as a short term rental became available near our children, the renters in our investment property were moving on. As a result, a household of furniture found a new use. The heartbreak for me at the time was leaving my long term marriage and instigating a separation from my husband. It was difficult and uncomfortable. Yet my resolve remained. Within weeks I had organised the rental and my removal. The day loomed for me to physically move. Neither my husband nor I knew what outcome would emerge ahead. We only knew we desired very different things from life and the pain and angst of indecision had loomed heavily.

I look back on those next few years and feel a certainty about each of the decisions I made.

Photo by Katja Anokhina on Unsplash

My journey of healing

I was instantly supported in my new location. By my two adult children and their families and by friends and new acquaintances who embraced me without asking too many questions. I also had a legal and accounting team who helped me sort through financial decisions. During the first six months of my move I became fitter and healthier. Freed of the mental angst of decision making my body naturally energized as I enjoyed doing things I loved. From spending time with my grandchildren to taking on dance and yoga classes. I felt a new lease on my life.

After the short term rental I moved into a more permanent rental situation for the following two years. I used this time to learn. Devouring online courses on healing, mindfulness and personal growth. Each time I would complete a course another equally relevant one would come into my awareness. I filled copious note books with ideas and learning. I met people online from around the world who were equally thirsting for new knowledge about life and living. During this time I also journeyed to India with a group of women from the local yoga studio. It was something definitely outside my comfort zone and helped me see my own capabilities and crystallized my personal direction.

The isolation of Covid gave me the opportunity to establish my blog. It’s title, ‘Healing the Matriarch’, seemed appropriate for the journey I was experiencing. All I had been through now had a purpose in informing others. Between blog posts I enjoyed caring for grandchildren and supporting their online learning while we ‘home-schooled’ through shutdowns. My skills as a teacher became useful. I also shared my personal journey at a local women’s conference.

Changes continued, including the process of our daughter and her family moving to a nearby city. Together we would share possible houses that fit their criteria of location and schools. As they considered various options I decided buying an apartment nearby would allow me a base to visit them. I also kept in the back of my mind that this may become my permanent home. I lovingly gathered furniture and goods for this new abode. I still had a financial stake in the home I had with my husband so I also knew I had to make a decision about our marriage. We had been together over forty years so it wasn’t one to take lightly.

The full circle with additional wisdom

While I had been taking this personal journey of discovery my husband was continuing to live his life independently. Alongside my own growth, he was exploring his own interests and pursuits. While we were separated we continued to communicate which each other. At first these conversations were tense and accusatory. For possibly the first time in our long marriage we were asserting our own needs and learning to advocate for them. Discussions that focused on past decisions we regretted, gave way to establishing a firm line to move forward together in a more conscious way.

I moved back into our home and for the first year or so there was an adjustment to the way we had both changed as individuals. Eventually we were able to find a comfortable enmeshing of our lives through more acceptance and better communication. We learnt to listen to each other rather than react and take things personally. It became easier to see ourselves both individually and as a couple. A mutual respect for each other’s wishes had grown.

The past in the ‘real sense’ does not exist. It is just painted in an endless array of colours of ‘now’, each with its own interpretation

Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Kaga (The Courage to be Happy)

Moving Forward

Five years on, our marriage and life appear to have come a full circle. Yet the journey in between has been rich with learning and experience. We are not the same people we were back then. At the time trying to find our way into this stage of life. Faltering and at times feeling miserable and unsettled. The people we are now, both individually and as a couple, are wiser and more assured. I am sure we will still have hurdles to overcome in the future but we’re more equipped to handle them.

The major lesson I’ve learned from my experience is to have the courage to grow as an individual apart from others. As your world becomes less busy the focus can turn inward. It’s a time to rediscover who you are and allow that person to inform your identity in your relationships and life choices. Continue to be your own best advocate and friend. Make choices that really resonate with you and make a pact to enjoy your remaining years as fully as possible.

Forgiveness Sets You Free

by

Here it comes again. An uninvited sensation from my history. A story appears – inner thoughts and deep emotions of a past hurt. Unconsciously I become drawn into the mental rewind. Each time its slightly different. Something particular hits at the heart and I struggle not to be swept up in feeling sorry for myself and analysing each detail I recall.

These are the ‘second darts’. The ‘first darts’ were my initial responses to a past transgression. These later reactions surface beyond the event. Stemming from triggers that can occur weeks, years and even decades later.

Part of me draws away from the moment. Telling me this focus on the past is unhealthy and senseless. Yet it takes a huge effort to slow the ‘inner movie’ of the situation and redirect my attention. While its painful, it is also tantalizing to play the victim. To sit in righteousness believing I’m blameless. Angry that I even needed to experience this situation in my life.

Slowly the bigger picture emerges. I am but a bit player in the scenarios of life. I am constantly seeing only a small fraction of the lived experience of others – their family upbringing, the formation of their beliefs, their personality intertwined with their life experience. In return, they only see a small part of me.

Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash

Learning to forgive others

The stages of forgiveness are similar to that of grief. There is denial, anger, bargaining, anxiety and depression and eventually acceptance. Initially this is superficial acceptance but over time deeper layers can be explored. The process of forgiveness is not linear. Sometimes going back and forth between the various ‘grief’ responses. Surprising us when we feel vividly back at ‘square one’.

Begin by trying to really understand what happened. Look at the surrounding and actual facts of the event. What were the motives of each of the participants and the context for their respective actions. Really think about your own values and expectations in the relationship and those of others who were involved.

Recognize the injustice for what it is and be brave enough to call it out. Have compassion for yourself and self soothe the hurt you feel. Look for allies who will also support you. Ask them to bear witness to the situation even if you can’t get justice or resolution.

It’s important to take responsibility for your own experience of the event, even though others may have instigated the situation. See your part in the matter, even if its minor compared to others. Clarify what actions you will take and let go of ill will toward the other person, with compassion.

This is more peaceful than responding with resentment. A situation much like taking poison our self and expecting the other person to die. We only hurt ourselves by building our own angry, unforgiving responses. Instead look to disentangle from the situation, learn the life lessons and move forward. Set yourself free.

‘Forgiveness is a gift to myself. Forgiving frees me from the past and allows me to live in the present. When I forgive myself and others I am free.’

Affirmation card from a recent retreat

We can choose to give a ‘full pardon’ for an injustice

The full pardon is a complete pass or the ability to wipe the slate clean in regard to a transgression. We may dislike the person’s actions but have a deep understanding of why they behaved as they did. We can identify the many possible causes that led up to the situation. It’s possible to have compassion for a person’s suffering even if we choose not to interact with them.

What they did may be out of character to the person you know and love. Recognise signs of remorse or a change of heart in the other person. Identify any efforts they make to repair and do better going forward. Focus on the other person’s good qualities rather than on the particular transgressions that have caused the hurt.

Alternatively we may give disentangled forgiveness.

In this situation there is no presumption of compassion, no moral pass required or return to the full relationship of the past. The important thing is that we are not carrying around the upset in our own mind.

  • We may still feel punishment is justified, but without having ill will toward the person.
  • We are no longer pre-occupied with resentment.
  • We no longer ruminate about past actions even if we wish others had stepped up more in the situation to support us.
  • We feel a sense of freedom from the upset, even if we are not free of what happened or the other person. In response, we may strengthen our expectations and boundaries around the relationship.
  • We have a choice about whether we allow that person a place in our life going forward.

We can also forgive ourselves

It’s important to admit to ourselves the part we played in the situation. We can feel appropriate guilt and remorse for our own impact on what transpired. Looking to repair and make amends as much as possible. We can reflect on the causes for why it all happened. If appropriate asking for forgiveness from the other person and any others impacted. Most importantly we can actively seek to forgive ourselves and recognise our own fragility.

We are ever evolving human beings. Our younger self responded only as they knew how. Taking a wider picture of our life as a whole can help us understand past situations and motives better. This allows us to be more forgiving of our earlier decisions and behaviours. In turn, we can have a softer heart for the transgressions of others.

‘The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world’

Marianne Williamson

Our relationships are valuable for making us more conscious, rather than being solely a source of our own happiness. As we interact with others we are hopefully increasing our understanding and self-mastery. Learning from our experiences and mistakes. Constantly changing and healing ourselves in the process. Forgiveness is an important and courageous life skill to learn.

Reflections on the Road Travelled

by

I have recently updated my car and in the first few months have travelled nearly five thousand kilometres. My car is comfortable and roomy and I am learning about its intricacies. We are making a connection. It’s my mode of transport to get from A to B.

I feel this journeying frequently by car is a mirror of my life. A life of the wanderer. Briefly in different places and always mindful of the next part of my journey. Sometimes I wonder what is behind my lack of stability and certainty. It used to worry me, but now I have come to accept that this is how my life makes sense. I have come to embrace its transient nature.

A vista along the way which is much anticipated on one of my regular journeys.

So with all this travel, what reflections have I noted: –

1. As in life, there are all types of fellow drivers who share the road with us. The fast and the slow. Those for whom the road is familiar while others are new to the route. Some drivers are cautious, others risk takers or get distracted. We are all seeing the journey from our own unique perspective.  Yet we are all also sharing this common pathway of the road. At times it presents us with moments of negotiating and compromise. We navigate overtaking safely and being aware of others and our surroundings.

2. Sometimes we travel with others, sometimes on our own. There are benefits for both. If we travel alone we make our own decisions about how long we take and where we stop. We choose our own music or decide to enjoy the solitude. Travelling together we can have conversations, help each other navigate the way, share the experience, and create lasting memories.

3. The roadway changes along the way. Sometimes we find ourselves changing direction. We come to a fork in the road or T intersection requiring us to decide between alternatives.

Robert Frost in his famous poem – The Road Not Travelled, reflects on the decisions made as we come to diverging paths. Once we have set our course we rarely look back to test the alternative we have not chosen. More likely the new path takes us onto ever changing vistas ahead. If it is an unfamiliar path it has the potential to surprise us with new experiences along the way.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by. And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost.

Even on our current pathway hazards can appear. Road works, obstacles such as wide loads and narrow bridges to navigate. Just as in life, these are unexpected obstacles and diversions.

How do we navigate these changes? Our senses switch on. We become more observant and conscious of our surroundings. We examine the alternatives to come up with the decision that feels right to take. We adjust to what we are experiencing. In doing so, we build our skills and strategies for future reference.

4.  To focus on the journey or the destination. The decision to take the scenic route versus the quickest route to our destination. Do we stop for longer, find new places to rest and revive. Perhaps stay overnight along the way to explore a part of the trip in more depth. Taking our time can allow us to live more fully and savour experiences. We need to ask ourselves what is the purpose of our journey? Can we slow it down at times?

5. The shortest route may not always be the best. – the dirt road alternative. Sometimes the secondary roads take us to our destination in less distance. We may see that as beneficial to the overall trip time. Yet these diversions may be bumpy and uncomfortable to undertake. We may risk damaging our vehicle or windscreen by choosing these alternatives. If we break down on an out of the way path it may take time for other traffic to pass by or come to our rescue.

Sometimes in life we can make a personal choice, the longer more stable path versus the bumpy, shorter path to where we wish to go. The former path can offer more ease and predictability. Yet sometimes we have no alternative to the latter. It is then that we need to summon our courage to navigate the rocky path.

6. You never know what’s around the corner. Each moment of our journey is relevant. We can give gratitude for what we are currently experiencing. We can also venture around the bend and embrace the next vista. Each time it is an unknown, yet all of our previous experience gives us tools to navigate what we find.

Whether driving in our car or navigating each new day, we are continually experiencing change in our lives. It requires both awareness and decision making on a reasonably constant basis. Embrace gratitude for the present moment on your journey. It is unique and unrepeatable. Then find courage to explore the vista that emerges around the next bend.

Matriarch Wisdom – Advice for My Younger Self

by

As we move through each decade of our lives we have the opportunity to reflect upon our journey. We see our younger selves and our experiences mirrored in the young women and girls around us. Some of those are our sisters, girlfriends, work colleagues, daughters, and granddaughters. We know we cannot go back in time to replay, amend, or erase our own previous life experiences. What we do have is the opportunity to reflect on the lessons learnt and impart the wisdom we have gained.

mother and daughter standing on cliffs
Photo by Simon Rae on Unsplash

Recently I have noticed that many women seemed disengaged from really connecting on Social Media.  While they scroll through their feeds adding the occasional like, love or emoji; comments and responses to each other’s thoughts are less likely. Women’s lives are a constant juggling act and they are reluctant to share as they may have been previously hurt by the opinions and actions of others. At times, women can be each other’s worst enemy.

The real magic of connection seems to be happening within private Facebook Groups. Here women possibly feel more comfortable to share and interact with each other and the group’s content. Administrators of the group monitor the comments on posts and ensure group members adhere to rules such as confidentiality, kindness, courtesy and respect.

This week I posed a question for those in our private Facebook group – Healing the Matriarch Community. It is accessible to preview via the community section of the Healing the Matriarch Facebook page. I was keen to know their answer to the following question –

‘What is one piece of wisdom you would give your younger self?’.

Their collective wisdom has been captured below. –

‘Remember to live in the moment because time goes by so quickly. Enjoy the good times. Breathe through the bad’ – Karen.

‘Listen to what your soul is saying to you’ – Ester.

‘Follow your heart and don’t allow the judgments of others to undermine your self-worth’ – Bernie

‘Stop letting others determine your self-esteem and value’ – Glenda.

‘Enjoy the moments! They become our best memories’ – Joy.

‘Manage to do your best from one day to the next. Your best may be different each day’ – Myrell.

‘Stop making yourself feel small, you are as important as the next person’ – Marilla.

‘Taking time for yourself isn’t a luxury, its essential’ – Ann

‘You are beautiful, you are strong, you are worthy and you are capable of doing and being anything you want. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise’ – Belinda Jane.

‘Everything you experience and everyone you meet has a reason and a lesson to teach. Good or bad, you will grow from each moment’ – Rachael.

The beautiful wisdom these women have encapsulated in their words is precious. As older women, it is important to recognize that the experiences of our younger days have made us into the courageous and vulnerable women we are today. It is in finding our voice and sharing our insights that we can emerge into our own wisdom. We not only empathize with our younger, more naive self. We guide younger generations of women.

Just like us, they will falter and make a multitude of mistakes along the way. In our collective support we all benefit. No longer feeling we need to be superheroes or perfect, instead being real women having the real experience of living our lives.

March 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031  

Archives

Blog Categories