When I first heard of the Let Them Theory it felt counterintuitive. To hear those words ‘Let them’ to me assumed that I would let others get away with whatever they liked and stand by meekly and unresponsive with a smile on my face. I believed I would be giving away my own control and allowing others to do as they pleased. It just felt disempowering and weak. A stance where I would be emotionally stifled unable to express my anger, sadness or disappointment.

Yet it was only through my own experience of radical acceptance of a situation that became increasingly outside my control that the real power of those two small words ‘Let Them’ became apparent.  Radical acceptance simply means acknowledging our reality just as it is. We may not like how others are behaving or the choices they are making yet once we come to a place of accepting our circumstances we are in the position to make changes for ourself and move forward.

Re-framing the situation with ‘let them’ allows us to move toward a powerful personal response of ‘Let me’. A place of self-care and love. A kinder response than struggling with and rejecting our current reality. We are biologically wired to want to control the circumstances of our life. It gives us a perceived sense of safety and security. Yet the most powerful ability to control a situation is in our personal responses and decisions.

Photo by Benjamin Williams on Unsplash

Seven years ago my husband and I were each experiencing our own midlife crisis. We were at an impasse in our long term marriage. For him, it was a stalemate of purpose after retiring and seeking to recover his younger desires and pursuits. For me it was a deep sadness, that I now recognise as grief, wrapped up in completely missing a sense of connection to my own roots and family connection. It impacted our relationship and while my husband firmly held to the current status quo, I was miserable. Life seemed to be about his choices with what felt like little empathy of what I was experiencing. In reality, he rightfully wasn’t going to change our life situation to suit me, so it was up to me to figure out mine.

I remember coming to a rather abrupt conclusion that I was the only one who could change my circumstances. While the solution meant my husband stayed in our home and community I stepped away from our rather comfortable existence to find my own answers. I ensured our finances were divided so the decisions we made moving forward would be personal ones. Joint accounts became individual accounts. I secured a 12 month lease on a rental property near our children and grandchildren. I packed up what belongings I wanted to take with me and organised a removal of furniture.

It was a bold and scary decision making process but it was also an empowering one, giving me a surprising sense of calm and peace around what the future would bring. I let go of any expectations of the future and focused on my own healing. What I didn’t know at the time was that this separation would be temporary. It eventually led to us rekindling our marriage as wiser, more contented and understanding partners. For us, it was like a marriage ‘sabbatical’. An opportunity to let our paths diverge for a while and then come back together. To each explore our own identity separate from each other.

As I have more recently reflected on this experience I can clearly see the wisdom of the ‘Let Them’ theory come into play. Each of us have a unique experience of life. As much as we want to control what we experience, that is not possible. We constantly come up against the personalities, differing viewpoints, passions and purpose of others. Some of that we can avoid and allow by distancing ourselves. At other times we get caught somewhere along a spectrum from mild frustration to downright conflict of opinion. The most difficult situations are around those we are close to and love.

By simply reframing a situation mentally with the words ‘Let Them’ it’s possible to find a sense of inner peace. It allows us to give back ownership of behaviour and life choices to others rather than trying to control or change them. By distancing ourselves from knee jerk reactions we get to see the wider situation more clearly. It is then possible to decide our own course of action.

At first I thought the ‘Let Them’ stance was weak, yet on reflection it’s a powerful one. It’s one where we accept what cannot be changed in life and others. Then we get to choose our own response whether that’s distancing, setting a personal boundary or making a personal decision based on reality rather than how we would like things to be.

Many of us live our lives as safely as possible. We avoid getting outside of our comfort zone. Instead creating an invisible cage to give ourselves a sense of security. To avoid stress we cope by socially withdrawing, procrastinating, becoming emotionally numb, moving on quickly to avoid the pain of an uncomfortable situation or just denying the truth of our reality all together. Our responses are often over-learnt from experiences in our childhood. We came across situations we were ill equipped to deal with at that age. These responses are also part of the humanness of our origins in the sympathetic responses of fight, flight and freeze. Strategies that have kept our species alive and procreating.

This week I’m stepping outside my comfort zone to present a workshop for a women’s group I belong to. The people and venue are familiar. I know the format of how the evening runs and the group leaders are wonderfully supportive. Presenting a workshop is something I haven’t done for a while yet I’m speaking about a topic I’m quite passionate about sharing. I hope to provide information and lead practical exercises to keep everyone interested and engaged. Yet I am feeling a bit unsettled prior. Have I prepared well enough? How will it be received, particularly if others have more expertise in the area? Is it possible I might just freeze in the moment unable to make coherent sense? My mental rehearsal is creating an overreaction to the reality of the situation. No matter how much I want to do this, I can feel myself having an inner conflict with my ‘imaginary tiger’ of thoughts, emotions and body sensations.

Photo by Christopher Windus on Unsplash

Yet with my life experience so far I should be fine. I have spent my career as a teacher in front of others and shared content in a way that it can be digested. I’m not bringing unrelated, complex material to my talk as its coming from my direct life experience, the podcasts and books I have enjoyed reading and the self work I have done to get where I am today.

Dr Rick Hanson and son Forrest on their podcast Being Well recently discussed the Flight Response and ways to identify and manage our fear, avoidance and anxiety. I encourage you to listen to the full episode. There key strategies they shared are:-

1. Get in touch with an embodied sense of your personal strength and endurance.
2. Calm the core of your being to feel comfortable with an uncomfortable experience.
3. Internalize the social support you receive from those around you.
4. Unconditionally care for yourself in a warm hearted way – practice self-belief and self-love.
5. Develop a lived sense of surrendering to life and accepting that what endures is deeper than any threat you will experience.

Often our concerns about getting out of our comfort zone are misguided. Whether its in trying a new activity, tasting different food, travelling to somewhere that challenges us culturally, getting into a new relationship or in my case speaking in front of a group of people; there are ways to venture boldly. It takes believing you are up to the challenge and testing the previous assumptions you hold.

Update

The workshop I presented last night went well. In the lead up I followed the advice in Rick and Forrest Hansen’s podcast. Yesterday I incorporated self care in my usual routine of exercise and social connection. I made sure to have a nourishing meal in the middle of the day. In the few hours in the lead up to the workshop I could feel the rise of nervous energy in my body. A few extra bathroom trips and a warm shower helped to soothe. On the drive to the event I kept silently telling myself I would be fine – I’m prepared for this evening. Thankfully once I arrived at the venue I had a wonderful sense of calm. I unpacked and prepared for the workshop and felt ready as the first participants arrived through the door.

Once you take action in the direction of something you’ve feared doing you can find a real sense of accomplishment. An increased belief in your capabilities, a shift in your self-identity and perhaps a launching pad for more life experience. What is something you have really wanted to try or challenge yourself with? Perhaps it is time to see what you are capable of.

Five years ago a chapter closed on my life. I was at an impasse, unhappy with life and my place in it at the time. When I look back on that time I was coming up to a major birthday, often a prompt for personal reflection. I felt I was giving up on dreams I had for myself and feeling unsettled where I lived. It became the impetus for me making some major life decisions.

I began gravitating between two worlds. The one with my husband in a coastal city. The other with my children and their children living within the same country town. The kilometres between both places was vast. Yet I would regularly hop in my car and take the two day trip to see my family.

Eventually I was taking the journey more frequently and could see where I was most needed. Not with my husband in cosy, comfortable retirement. Instead I saw the increasing needs of my children’s growing families and craving the experience of hands on grand parenting.

The decision wasn’t easy but the logistics were. Just as a short term rental became available near our children, the renters in our investment property were moving on. As a result, a household of furniture found a new use. The heartbreak for me at the time was leaving my long term marriage and instigating a separation from my husband. It was difficult and uncomfortable. Yet my resolve remained. Within weeks I had organised the rental and my removal. The day loomed for me to physically move. Neither my husband nor I knew what outcome would emerge ahead. We only knew we desired very different things from life and the pain and angst of indecision had loomed heavily.

I look back on those next few years and feel a certainty about each of the decisions I made.

Photo by Katja Anokhina on Unsplash

My journey of healing

I was instantly supported in my new location. By my two adult children and their families and by friends and new acquaintances who embraced me without asking too many questions. I also had a legal and accounting team who helped me sort through financial decisions. During the first six months of my move I became fitter and healthier. Freed of the mental angst of decision making my body naturally energized as I enjoyed doing things I loved. From spending time with my grandchildren to taking on dance and yoga classes. I felt a new lease on my life.

After the short term rental I moved into a more permanent rental situation for the following two years. I used this time to learn. Devouring online courses on healing, mindfulness and personal growth. Each time I would complete a course another equally relevant one would come into my awareness. I filled copious note books with ideas and learning. I met people online from around the world who were equally thirsting for new knowledge about life and living. During this time I also journeyed to India with a group of women from the local yoga studio. It was something definitely outside my comfort zone and helped me see my own capabilities and crystallized my personal direction.

The isolation of Covid gave me the opportunity to establish my blog. It’s title, ‘Healing the Matriarch’, seemed appropriate for the journey I was experiencing. All I had been through now had a purpose in informing others. Between blog posts I enjoyed caring for grandchildren and supporting their online learning while we ‘home-schooled’ through shutdowns. My skills as a teacher became useful. I also shared my personal journey at a local women’s conference.

Changes continued, including the process of our daughter and her family moving to a nearby city. Together we would share possible houses that fit their criteria of location and schools. As they considered various options I decided buying an apartment nearby would allow me a base to visit them. I also kept in the back of my mind that this may become my permanent home. I lovingly gathered furniture and goods for this new abode. I still had a financial stake in the home I had with my husband so I also knew I had to make a decision about our marriage. We had been together over forty years so it wasn’t one to take lightly.

The full circle with additional wisdom

While I had been taking this personal journey of discovery my husband was continuing to live his life independently. Alongside my own growth, he was exploring his own interests and pursuits. While we were separated we continued to communicate which each other. At first these conversations were tense and accusatory. For possibly the first time in our long marriage we were asserting our own needs and learning to advocate for them. Discussions that focused on past decisions we regretted, gave way to establishing a firm line to move forward together in a more conscious way.

I moved back into our home and for the first year or so there was an adjustment to the way we had both changed as individuals. Eventually we were able to find a comfortable enmeshing of our lives through more acceptance and better communication. We learnt to listen to each other rather than react and take things personally. It became easier to see ourselves both individually and as a couple. A mutual respect for each other’s wishes had grown.

The past in the ‘real sense’ does not exist. It is just painted in an endless array of colours of ‘now’, each with its own interpretation

Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Kaga (The Courage to be Happy)

Moving Forward

Five years on, our marriage and life appear to have come a full circle. Yet the journey in between has been rich with learning and experience. We are not the same people we were back then. At the time trying to find our way into this stage of life. Faltering and at times feeling miserable and unsettled. The people we are now, both individually and as a couple, are wiser and more assured. I am sure we will still have hurdles to overcome in the future but we’re more equipped to handle them.

The major lesson I’ve learned from my experience is to have the courage to grow as an individual apart from others. As your world becomes less busy the focus can turn inward. It’s a time to rediscover who you are and allow that person to inform your identity in your relationships and life choices. Continue to be your own best advocate and friend. Make choices that really resonate with you and make a pact to enjoy your remaining years as fully as possible.