Imagine if when you were born you came with a detailed book of your life. It contained different chapters for the stages of your existence from birth until the day you die. Some people would have a thin book that represents a brief visit in this life. Others would have a large volume describing each decade of their much longer experience. The book would be written with certainty about the future. The details of what lies ahead available to read. The people we will meet, where we live, our career path, if we marry or not, create a family and whether we remain relatively healthy or struggle with disease.

Recently I ask our Healing the Matriarch community members how they would feel about living a life already laid out for them, and most wouldn’t prefer it this way. Yet as humans we detest uncertainty. We’d much prefer our lives to be stable and predictable. We’re not comfortable with surprises we don’t see coming and tend to resist change. Yet the reality is our life is an unpredictable path. We are experiencing things as they happen and there is no glimpse of our future available to us.

Opening that book would be an amazing thing. No surprises to navigate as we’d know what lies ahead. Change would be expected and we could plan it with certainty. Life would be easier to navigate as we’d know when things, either good or bad, were about to happen and in a way could be prepared and plan for them. This may give us less to worry about and the confidence to make decisions knowing a specific outcome for navigating ahead. Having all the details of our lives may also make us live more fully and generously rather than frittering away aimless hours. We’d be forewarned and forearmed to live more healthily, love more deeply and act more decisively when it matters. We’d more confidently ‘get our affairs in order’ as one community member mentioned.

Yet there is a flip side of this coin of certainty, our reality of living life with uncertainty. The pages of our life book open each day with potential, as nothing is yet written on each page. It’s ours to fill with new imaginings. There will still be good days and bad days but life will not be dull or boring because we’d know what’s going to happen.  Admittedly, some days will feel endless as we hold onto worries, fears and sadness. Overthinking our concerns and feeling impatient for the direction life is taking us. Yet other days will provide magic that we’ll try to savour and remember with delight.

Living with uncertainty asks us to step out courageously and adventurously. Widening our life view to endless possibilities rather than allowing us to focus on the small details of our existence. It becomes a world that is awe inspiring and fosters an appreciation of our self-made growth and personal development. Even if life is going pear shaped and everything feels broken, the reality of uncertainty is that its an opportunity to reinvent – everything becomes up for grabs.

Increasingly we learn to accept and surrender to what is happening in our life, rather than focusing on how we expected it to be. In reality our life is imperfect and messy. A characteristic that makes us more vulnerable and likely to reach out to others for support when we need it. When life challenges us we learn so much and develop the kind of wisdom that only comes from our lived experience. We learn to be more humble and less self-important as life shapes us along the way. Recognizing that everyone, including ourselves, view life from our unique, personal perspective. One that is framed by our upbringing and the things that happen to us in our lives.

Finally we learn the ability to be compassionate and kind both toward ourselves and toward others. We understand that uncertainty is part of our lives and we learn to forgive ourselves and each other for mistakes made and actions we are not proud of.

A good life is about addressing what arrives each day with a tenderness and openness, and to trust that it is as it should be. The previous chapters of our life story have already been written and we can’t relive them. They have shaped us into who we are today. The gift of living an uncertain life is that we get to create each day and by our actions influence our tomorrows.

When I first heard of the Let Them Theory it felt counterintuitive. To hear those words ‘Let them’ to me assumed that I would let others get away with whatever they liked and stand by meekly and unresponsive with a smile on my face. I believed I would be giving away my own control and allowing others to do as they pleased. It just felt disempowering and weak. A stance where I would be emotionally stifled unable to express my anger, sadness or disappointment.

Yet it was only through my own experience of radical acceptance of a situation that became increasingly outside my control that the real power of those two small words ‘Let Them’ became apparent.  Radical acceptance simply means acknowledging our reality just as it is. We may not like how others are behaving or the choices they are making yet once we come to a place of accepting our circumstances we are in the position to make changes for ourself and move forward.

Re-framing the situation with ‘let them’ allows us to move toward a powerful personal response of ‘Let me’. A place of self-care and love. A kinder response than struggling with and rejecting our current reality. We are biologically wired to want to control the circumstances of our life. It gives us a perceived sense of safety and security. Yet the most powerful ability to control a situation is in our personal responses and decisions.

Photo by Benjamin Williams on Unsplash

Seven years ago my husband and I were each experiencing our own midlife crisis. We were at an impasse in our long term marriage. For him, it was a stalemate of purpose after retiring and seeking to recover his younger desires and pursuits. For me it was a deep sadness, that I now recognise as grief, wrapped up in completely missing a sense of connection to my own roots and family connection. It impacted our relationship and while my husband firmly held to the current status quo, I was miserable. Life seemed to be about his choices with what felt like little empathy of what I was experiencing. In reality, he rightfully wasn’t going to change our life situation to suit me, so it was up to me to figure out mine.

I remember coming to a rather abrupt conclusion that I was the only one who could change my circumstances. While the solution meant my husband stayed in our home and community I stepped away from our rather comfortable existence to find my own answers. I ensured our finances were divided so the decisions we made moving forward would be personal ones. Joint accounts became individual accounts. I secured a 12 month lease on a rental property near our children and grandchildren. I packed up what belongings I wanted to take with me and organised a removal of furniture.

It was a bold and scary decision making process but it was also an empowering one, giving me a surprising sense of calm and peace around what the future would bring. I let go of any expectations of the future and focused on my own healing. What I didn’t know at the time was that this separation would be temporary. It eventually led to us rekindling our marriage as wiser, more contented and understanding partners. For us, it was like a marriage ‘sabbatical’. An opportunity to let our paths diverge for a while and then come back together. To each explore our own identity separate from each other.

As I have more recently reflected on this experience I can clearly see the wisdom of the ‘Let Them’ theory come into play. Each of us have a unique experience of life. As much as we want to control what we experience, that is not possible. We constantly come up against the personalities, differing viewpoints, passions and purpose of others. Some of that we can avoid and allow by distancing ourselves. At other times we get caught somewhere along a spectrum from mild frustration to downright conflict of opinion. The most difficult situations are around those we are close to and love.

By simply reframing a situation mentally with the words ‘Let Them’ it’s possible to find a sense of inner peace. It allows us to give back ownership of behaviour and life choices to others rather than trying to control or change them. By distancing ourselves from knee jerk reactions we get to see the wider situation more clearly. It is then possible to decide our own course of action.

At first I thought the ‘Let Them’ stance was weak, yet on reflection it’s a powerful one. It’s one where we accept what cannot be changed in life and others. Then we get to choose our own response whether that’s distancing, setting a personal boundary or making a personal decision based on reality rather than how we would like things to be.

Many of us live our lives as safely as possible. We avoid getting outside of our comfort zone. Instead creating an invisible cage to give ourselves a sense of security. To avoid stress we cope by socially withdrawing, procrastinating, becoming emotionally numb, moving on quickly to avoid the pain of an uncomfortable situation or just denying the truth of our reality all together. Our responses are often over-learnt from experiences in our childhood. We came across situations we were ill equipped to deal with at that age. These responses are also part of the humanness of our origins in the sympathetic responses of fight, flight and freeze. Strategies that have kept our species alive and procreating.

This week I’m stepping outside my comfort zone to present a workshop for a women’s group I belong to. The people and venue are familiar. I know the format of how the evening runs and the group leaders are wonderfully supportive. Presenting a workshop is something I haven’t done for a while yet I’m speaking about a topic I’m quite passionate about sharing. I hope to provide information and lead practical exercises to keep everyone interested and engaged. Yet I am feeling a bit unsettled prior. Have I prepared well enough? How will it be received, particularly if others have more expertise in the area? Is it possible I might just freeze in the moment unable to make coherent sense? My mental rehearsal is creating an overreaction to the reality of the situation. No matter how much I want to do this, I can feel myself having an inner conflict with my ‘imaginary tiger’ of thoughts, emotions and body sensations.

Photo by Christopher Windus on Unsplash

Yet with my life experience so far I should be fine. I have spent my career as a teacher in front of others and shared content in a way that it can be digested. I’m not bringing unrelated, complex material to my talk as its coming from my direct life experience, the podcasts and books I have enjoyed reading and the self work I have done to get where I am today.

Dr Rick Hanson and son Forrest on their podcast Being Well recently discussed the Flight Response and ways to identify and manage our fear, avoidance and anxiety. I encourage you to listen to the full episode. There key strategies they shared are:-

1. Get in touch with an embodied sense of your personal strength and endurance.
2. Calm the core of your being to feel comfortable with an uncomfortable experience.
3. Internalize the social support you receive from those around you.
4. Unconditionally care for yourself in a warm hearted way – practice self-belief and self-love.
5. Develop a lived sense of surrendering to life and accepting that what endures is deeper than any threat you will experience.

Often our concerns about getting out of our comfort zone are misguided. Whether its in trying a new activity, tasting different food, travelling to somewhere that challenges us culturally, getting into a new relationship or in my case speaking in front of a group of people; there are ways to venture boldly. It takes believing you are up to the challenge and testing the previous assumptions you hold.

Update

The workshop I presented last night went well. In the lead up I followed the advice in Rick and Forrest Hansen’s podcast. Yesterday I incorporated self care in my usual routine of exercise and social connection. I made sure to have a nourishing meal in the middle of the day. In the few hours in the lead up to the workshop I could feel the rise of nervous energy in my body. A few extra bathroom trips and a warm shower helped to soothe. On the drive to the event I kept silently telling myself I would be fine – I’m prepared for this evening. Thankfully once I arrived at the venue I had a wonderful sense of calm. I unpacked and prepared for the workshop and felt ready as the first participants arrived through the door.

Once you take action in the direction of something you’ve feared doing you can find a real sense of accomplishment. An increased belief in your capabilities, a shift in your self-identity and perhaps a launching pad for more life experience. What is something you have really wanted to try or challenge yourself with? Perhaps it is time to see what you are capable of.