A group of women gravitated to the painting. Mesmerized by the facial expression of the woman in the kitchen. Perhaps we have been this woman. Caught on a roller coaster of busyness. With a long list of things to do. Unable to sit and just be by ourselves for any length of time.

We all smile at each other with knowing looks and one woman responds with ‘Too much work and not enough pay’. We all giggle in recognition. Perhaps it is not monetary gain we seek from our doing. Just a word of appreciation or recognition for our efforts or an offer of a helping hand is all we need. Just once, we would like to share the load or to take a rest from our endless activity.

When we overdo the busyness of life, trying to be everything to everybody, it is easy to feel resentful and overwhelmed. We often don’t realize we are in a vicious cycle until we see the signs of physical and emotional burnout from our efforts to constantly give. Somehow we feel a moral obligation to be fulfill this feminine cultural norm. As women we have learnt to stay pretty, happy, quiet, calm, and generous with our time.  As a result, we are more likely to suffer from what has been coined Human Giver Syndrome – the desire to constantly tend to the needs of others to the detriment of meeting our own. We feel inadequate or punish ourselves with the ‘I’m not good enough’ label if we take a moment to rest.

As a result we may feel a slight annoyance at our inability to advocate for our own needs. With the continual demands on our time and additional external stressors that crop up in life our emotions can strengthen to feelings of frustration, anger, or rage (attack responses) or worry, anxiety and fear (avoidance responses). Alternatively we can just come to an emotional grinding holt (the freeze response).

Identifying Burnout

Emily and Amelia Nagoski in their book Burnout, The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle have identified three components of burnout.

1. Emotional exhaustion: – Our bodies are constantly processing our emotions. When we are often in stress mode it seems easier to push these feelings down into the inner reaches of our bodies – our blood vessels, digestive, and endocrine systems.  Left unprocessed, these emotional responses can lead to physical symptoms such as higher blood pressure from adrenaline pumping for longer than required and gut symptoms from unresolved issues. Our bodies are left lacking energy and feeling dull.

2. A decreased sense of accomplishment: – Although we may have been in a constant state of action we can get the sense that ‘I can’t make a difference’. Particularly when the outside world is full of stressors that seem outside our control e.g. natural disasters, the Covid 19 pandemic.

3. Depersonalization: – We can feel a real sense of brain fog detached from our bodily responses. Our ability to show empathy and compassion becomes depleted. This can lead to us experiencing compassion fatigue.

Ways to process your emotions effectively and avoid burnout

• Doing physical activity that you love. Walking, going for a run, dancing in the living room, even a few minutes stretching your limbs than flopping to relax calms the nervous system.
• Remembering to breathe. Deep, slow breathes both in and out right down to the abdomen. Focusing on the breath rather than the thoughts running around in our brain.
• Lovely, positive interactions with others.
• A good, natural bout of laughter. Unforced, real and belly giggling.
• A long hug in a safe context. Hold your own centre of gravity with another and stay in the hug until you both feel yourselves relax.
• A good, old fashion cry. Contrary to our beliefs, once we start we usually can stop after a few minutes. Crying is a physical expression of our stress and its release. Focus on the physical sensations rather than the mental reason for the tears.
• Get creative. Take the inner emotions outside the body to paint, write, dance, or use your imagination.

‘Take your broken heart and make it into art’

Carrie Fisher

It is important, particularly for women, to be able to voice our own needs, ask for help or advocate for much-needed time out. In doing so, we honour ourselves. Creating the opportunity to process our emotions allows for the possibility for us to recharge and energize. Focusing on our own wellness, both physical and emotional, helps us create a balanced life view – good for us and good for those we care for.

There is something magical in receiving and keeping something handwritten. It feels like the energy of the person is palatable on the paper along with their words. Unlike the uniformed letter formation of the typed word, handwriting is unique. Each person has a particular way of crafting the letters of each word and the sentiments of their writing is theirs alone.

When my husband and I were newly courting we were living apart. He had moved to his next Air Force posting and I was in my final months of university completing my Education degree. During that time we maintained connection through handwritten letters. Our words contained delightful offerings of our love for each other and our plans for our future together. I wish I had kept these letters as they would have been a constant reminder of our initial love and connection.

Handwriting is more connected to the movement of the heart.

Natalie Goldberg

My father loved carrying a notebook with him. All the important things he wanted to remember running his business were written inside. I remember the small notebook and a pen were always placed in his shirt pocket handy for the next time it was needed. They were faithfully returned each time his shirts were laundered. At the time of his death we decided to place a fresh notebook and pen with him in his coffin just in case he found something profound to add.

Thankfully, I do have examples of his distinct handwriting as I do my mum’s recipe notes which are cherished reminders of my parents. I also have old bibles with the handwriting of a grandfather I never met. Enclosed in his handwritten notes are his reflections on the scriptures and evidence of his strong faith. In his handwriting I have a window into his soul.

The practice of writing – whether in a letter, note or journaling is a beautiful form of reflection. A vehicle to take the thoughts from our mind onto a piece of paper. A valuable reminder of what was important at a particular moment in life. Whether it is something we need as a future reference, a declaration of love or as a practice to clarify our thoughts, the written word becomes a trusted companion – faithfully stored on a physical piece of paper. Each addition allows us to remember snapshots in time and prompts others to have a sense of those moments even when we are no longer here. The physicality of a handwritten note or letter is a tangible reminder of a loved one’s existence.

Writing can chronicle life. Creating a habit of regularly writing is a valuable resource. It allows us to remember and reflect on what is happening in our lives. We can also see how we are changing and growing in our perspectives. When handwritten, our thoughts take on a life of their own. Allowing us to leave a piece of our existence for others to physically hold onto and cherish.

The act of giving says as much about ourselves as it does about our relationship with others. Giving requires us imagining the perspective of the recipient. What would they enjoy receiving? What are their favourite things and their preferences? It requires us being observant, present in the physical sense to their likes and dislikes. This is easier for people we spend time with each day and those we have a loving relationship with.

The art of giving speaks about our generosity. It doesn’t matter whether it requires money or the gifting of our time and resources. Whatever we give says volumes about our relationship and connection with others. Giving also speaks of our family traditions and the wish to create lasting memories with our loved ones. It identifies our ability to judge the needs of others.

We accumulate memories of giving and receiving of gifts over our lifetime. I have lovely memories of extended family Christmas Days as a child. Our family joining with aunts, uncles and cousins and our beloved grandmother. Nanna had been shopping for small gifts throughout the year. After all the other gifts were distributed she would bring out an old brown suitcase brimming with small parcels to distribute. Her little symbols of her love for us all were a highlight of Christmas Day.  I also remember staying awake as an older child long enough to see mum and dad place our gifts at the end of our beds. They had waited until they thought we had fallen asleep. I was tempted to take a peek to feel the shape and texture of the parcels within the Santa sack.

As adults the gifting of physical gifts changed. We became the givers of gifts rather than the recipients. It was a joy to watch our children open presents they had placed on their own Christmas list.  As they got older the gift requests became more specific and expensive. It became a difficult dilemma to cater for expanded tastes on Santa’s budget. Their realization that mum and dad were the actual givers of the gifts changed the dynamic of gifting. They were then invited into the true meaning of Christmas – the ability to give to others in a meaningful way.

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”

Winston S. Churchill.

When we think of gifting to others it is important to ask ourselves what the recipient really needs. In a year where people have been emotionally and physically stretched it may be the less tangible needs that take priority.

• Being cared for and allowing for the opportunity to take downtime to relax and recharge.
• Contributing to a family’s bills or assisting financially with the needs of others.
• Helping families with Christmas gifts and celebration. Creating a special time over the Christmas period.
• Connecting with others and providing a listening ear so they can process the challenging year that has been.
• Physical assistance around the home.

Whatever our gifting to others becomes, spending time to observe what may really be required is important. Perhaps it is less about spending money this Christmas Season and more about truly connecting and supporting each other in meaningful ways. What do you consider important in giving to others? Comment below.

If ‘ home is where the heart is’ mine is scattered far and wide geographically. I seem to have lost my roots to a physical place after so many moves, although I have a strong affinity toward my birthplace. Now, home is where I gather with the people I love and those who, in return, love and appreciate me.

It’s uncomfortable choosing between places and people, yet that has become my lot at this time in my life. I’m the gypsy who has physical addresses in different locations. Regularly explaining myself and my transient life. The only valid choice for me right now is to go with my heart and intuition to craft a life that flows with personal meaning. A life that I refuse to regret. A life where I am fully immersed in relationships with those around me.

“Home wasn’t a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”

Sarah Dessen

The funny thing about our sense of ‘home’ is that it evolves over time. Some of our homes are chosen for us, particularly when we are children. If our family stays long enough in one place these spaces hold many memories, good or bad, that remain within us. We can reminisce about sibling shenanigans, shared family occasions and special places of comfort that we knew we could retreat to.

 As each of us venture into the world, our physical home may change more frequently. It may be a temporary accommodation near study or work. A shared home or one we craft on our own. If we are in relationship with someone, the personal tastes and style of each person meshes together to form a space that reflects the people within.

A few years ago, the home I share with my husband underwent a major renovation. The only time I truly saw the transformation process was when it was internally guttered from one end to the other. In that moment, I lost a sense of belonging and connection to it. Extraordinary, as I had been involved in the dreaming and decision making about the changes, yet unlike my husband I wasn’t physically on site every day to watch them emerge.

My disconnection didn’t improve when the renovation was complete. I fought with the constant feeling of living in what felt to me like a display home. Every new appliance was a challenge and the architectural changes felt energetically foreign to me. I soon realized that this revised home was crafted for my husband’s tastes and I had difficulty putting my presence within the rooms and outdoor space.

Two of the bedrooms were set up for visitors. My heart hoping they would be used by family. Yet the tyranny of the 1,000-kilometre distance between their homes and ours meant visits to us were few and far between. It’s challenging to travel long distances with young families so our guest rooms remained unused. This created a growing sadness within me as I walked past them each day.

Family visits, without my husband by my side, became more frequent to the point that I could see opportunities to be closer to our children and grandchildren who lived in the same location. A location that also happened to be my beloved birthplace community. Chances emerged to play ‘nanna’ and to offer care and additional transport when needed.

I made the decision to move nearer to our family, a time I have cherished. Setting up a rental home that truly reflected my own tastes. Two years later, I am once again in transition in regard to where I live.  Our daughter and her family are moving to a new location. My heart and my sense of ‘home’ is feeling a need to expand once more.

What have I learnt about creating home where my heart is?

• The pain of inaction can easily destroy you. If intuitively a move of home feels like it will heal your heart have the courage to go for it.
• The decision may not be permanent, as very few things are. Life will take you in surprising directions and provide creative solutions along the way. Trust in the timing of your life.
• If your home doesn’t feel a reflection of you – whether décor or the relationships within, do something about it. We have one wild and precious life says poet, Mary Oliver. Use it wisely. Broach your discomfort, have the difficult conversations, and find ways to create your own unique sense of belonging.

Let ‘home’ be more than a physical address. Let it be a collection of moments that build upon each other. Create an energetic space where you feel a sense of connection and love. If you are grounded to a physical home that continues to nurture and grow with you, wonderful. But if you are like me and home doesn’t seem to exist in a one physical space, have the courage to meaningfully create it in conjunction with those you love.