Three of our basic needs in this life are safety, life satisfaction and connection (Dr Rick Hanson, Foundations of Well-Being). Our need for safety is the most important as it has a long evolutionary history that pre-dates us as humans. It also becomes our default if it is not being met. Not much else counts until we can feel a level of safety, comfort and inner peace in our lives.
The ‘safety’ structures of the brain sit the closest to its base and our spinal cord. This gives the safety system a freeway like, basically automated, passage to transfer signals between our brain and body. It’s a strong connection. We have all felt at some time the tingling sensations of fear, the pang of a broken heart or the churning of a nervous stomach.
Our brain is continually scanning for threats. Many of them so subtle and unconscious that we are unaware that we are both giving them off to others or receiving them internally ourselves. Our sense of danger in the modern world often comes from social cues such as indifference, criticism, rejection or disrespect. We pick up the subtle, or not so subtle, body language and tone of voice of others and make quick interpretations of what we believe is true. As a result, we continually build up impressions of others, favorable and unfavorable, that influence our ability for love and connection – another of our basic needs.
I have recently had the uncomfortable situation of triggering strong emotions in someone else. While I felt I was going about my day as normally as possible I kept looking for cues that this obviously distressed person needed my support. I was feeling uncomfortable and out of my depth and in response mistakenly distanced myself from them. They interpreted my behaviour as indifference and uncaring. I am not surprised going over the day’s happenings. I was functioning in my own world, as we all often are, quite oblivious to the needs of others.
Yet for this person the inner turmoil was also brewing as inner anger. All they needed was my physical touch as a hug or a listening ear to hear their distress. Something I failed to see and more importantly failed to respond to before it escalated. We have since talked and I’ve apologised.
“We believe that our thoughts and emotions are reasonable responses to some solid outside reality. Lesson number one is that there’s no unified, single reality out there.”
Ruby Wax – A Mindfulness Guide for Survival
Due to the subtlety of our influence on others we are going to continually, in at least minor ways, trigger them. We’ll get interactions wrong and cause them to feel uncomfortable and unsafe around us. It is the challenge of being human. We are all unique, so what we think, feel and react to will also be unique.
Is there ways you can feel safer and help others feel safer in your presence?
Communication is key: –
Recognising that you are feeling triggered is a signal to explore and express your feelings. For some people this is possible in the moment. For others, who need time to process the inner sensations and find the words to express themselves, it may take longer. Always keep the conversation open if the hurt is still present.
Try to refer to how you are feeling using ‘I’ statements. Take pauses where needed and allow silence for each person to process what has been said. Practice really listening to the other person’s words and body language rather than focusing on what you plan to say next. Avoid shaming or blaming the other person. It is likely they have little awareness of the effect their actions have had on you.
Practice Self Care: –
When triggered by others or even digesting the impact of hurting others continue to look after yourself. Give yourself loving kindness for any emotions that arise. Know that being human is difficult and we are all capable of being hurt and hurting others. Retreat if you need to and look for healthy ways to soothe, nurture and calm your mind and body.
Express Your emotions: –
Everyone is different. Some need to talk to other people to make sense of their inner thoughts and sensations. Others prefer to write things down. One method to use is writing free flowing words, straight from your head onto a piece of paper. Even if they seem to make no sense, they are better out of your head and external to your body. Burning or tearing up the paper is a helpful and cathartic action if you don’t want to be constantly reminded of what you’ve written. If you receive hurtful words from others you are allowed to acknowledge and dispose of them in the same ways as those you write to yourself.
Emotions can also be expressed and released by body movement and voice. Actively shifting body energy through moving is healing. Humming and singing relieves stress and even yelling into the open spaces is powerful and cathartic for releasing anger safely.
Create healthy boundaries: –
Sometimes the kindest way to deal with emotional triggers is to maintain a distance. It may be temporary or you may decide to move away from the relationship all together for your own mental health and well-being. If relationships are to be maintained and thrive respect and clear expectations are important. They are key to sustaining healthy ongoing connections with others.
As a baby, the ‘vehicle’ or means of helping us feel safe is our primary caregiver. Usually that is our parents. We are relying on them to supply all of our basic needs. The older we get the more we experience life and find our own inner resources to deal with situations that trigger our need for safety. In a sense we become responsible for finding our own inner peace.
We will never get it perfect either for ourselves or in our relationships with others. In accepting this, realizing that we are each doing the best we can at the time, we go a long way to achieving that peace.
