We have recently spent time over Christmas with our adult children and their families. It’s a cherished time as we live geographically away from each other and so time spent together is definitely focused on quality over quantity. In between we rely on communication through a family WhatsApp group which keeps us updated on the small, yet significant things in each other’s lives.  Whether your relationship with your adult children is like ours or you live in close proximity there are some delicate dynamics to navigate with each other.

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Transitions aren’t easy –

When our children reach young adulthood, as parents and particularly mothers, we carry a host of expectations created over the decades in this role. We’ve handpicked parenting inspiration from our childhood experiences, parenting books and the advice of others. We’ve nurtured, disciplined, comforted and generally picked up after our children. It’s an intimate connection from carrying them for nine months within our body to navigating babyhood, toddlerhood, childhood and then the teenage years.

 Motherhood is a role that has given us purpose, it’s fulfilling while at times exhausting. We’ve become comfortable with the tasks of being mothers which makes it difficult letting go of that role when they become adults. We are so used to stepping in to support our children physically and emotionally that it’s like an automatic reflex. The art of stepping back and allowing them to live and make choices independently from us can at times feel painful and it’s one we need to be more deliberate about.

Mel Robbins in her book ‘The Let Them Theory’ shares a story of her son’s prom choices and how difficult it was for her to allow him to face the consequences of his tardiness to select an outfit to wear, restaurant to book and corsage choice for his prom date. She confessed her overwhelming need to micromanage proceedings rather than let her son sort out his evening and deal with any unforeseen consequences. It was only when her daughter interjected with the words ‘just let them sort it out’ that Mel was stopped in her tracks. It became a moment that inspired her book and theory about releasing our desire to orchestrate other people’s lives.

No matter what age our children are, we still look at them and remember a younger, more vulnerable version in front of us. We want to keep them safe and protect them from the more difficult challenges of life. Yet is it in their best interests or the healthiest option for our changing relationship with them?

There is no magic age but sometime around the late teens to early twenties is an important time to allow our young adults to assume responsibility for their lives. Hopefully we’ve been doing this as a gradual process particularly in the latter stages of the teenage years. Even though the process of independence and living life separately from us begins at this time there will continue to be moments where we are challenged to want to step in and rescue them.

Their choices on work, life and relationships

Once our offspring begin working it’s important to encourage their financial independence. With the current climate of high interest rates and cost of living it can be more difficult to live away from the family home. If you have young adults under your roof, it is important to discuss how that will look both physically and financially. Each member of the family expects more privacy and personal space, yet communal spaces are shared. Get clear on what you expect from them as far as household chores and meal preparation are concerned. Decide if rent or other ways of contributing financially are expected. It is a big change seeing them now as an adult and requires a renegotiation of the parent: child relationship.

Encourage them to build financial literacy. As parents, we may occasionally help them out financially but it’s important they know how to save, invest, pay bills and manage credit and their spending habits.  Answer questions they ask and share ways you manage your own finances. Also point them in the direction of professional advice and relevant information and courses. Seeing your children struggle financially is hard yet resist the temptation to immediately step in and rescue them. This allows them time to sit in their discomfort for a while and consider alternative solutions.

Moving Out

When your young adult moves into a rental property or buys their own home a new dynamic is created. Remember that their home is a personal boundary so respect their privacy by not arriving unannounced. While they have lived a certain way in your home their own home is their personal space. It represents an extension of their emerging self. Avoid commenting about its tidiness, location and furnishing choices.

Your adult children also need to know you are okay with the location of where they live. Often their life and work takes them to a new community whether that’s not far away or perhaps even on the other side of the world. While this is tough it’s a choice that could cause angst for both parties if it’s not accepted well and seen as part of the larger picture of their lives. It gets complicated when grandchildren arrive, yet there are always ways to stay in touch with them and mutually plan the best time to visit each other or holiday together.

Relationships

Although we had more awareness of who our children’s friends were when they were young that’s not something we control when they are adults. Just like us they choose relationships based on attraction, common interests and enjoyment of the connection between each other. It is important to respect their choices and avoid making judgements. Enjoy hearing about budding friendships and romances. If a relationship goes sour our job is to listen, empathize and only give advice if it’s asked for.

When your adult child chooses a life partner, respect that choice and honour their partnership as a distinct and separate part of your family. They will be navigating different upbringings and expectations of their relationship and if they have children, what parenting looks like. Avoid judgement or advice on how your grandchildren are brought up. Your adult children are paving their own way in a different era and circumstances to you. Be supportive and try to understand their experience.

Study and Work

Lastly allow them to choose their study and profession. While our children were small we had an intimate window into the things they enjoyed and were good at. This often meant we took note and had aspirations for what they would do with their life as adults. Respect the direction and choices they make, particularly if the field of study or work they choose is unexpected or quite different to what you dreamed for them. Allow them to explore the question of who they wish to be both personally and professionally. Be the cheer squad as they accomplish each step along the way. Avoid giving opinions and unsolicited advice when they falter.

The relationship we have with our adult children can be as rewarding as the one we had with them when they were young. This time around they are meeting us more as an equal, recognizing we are all vulnerable and imperfect human beings. They may even gain a greater appreciation of our choices and sacrifices as they experience adult life and commitments for themselves.

 The relationship that evolves needs the same care and attention, yet in a different way. This time around we need to be courageous enough to let our children live their own lives, making their own choices and mistakes. Our role is to stay on the sidelines ready to celebrate their triumphs and empathize with their challenges.

I no longer believe our world supports young children’s healthy development. Mainly because of the incredible strain we put on parents to nurture their babies in a world that is stressful, complex, disconnected and lacking security. My beliefs come from my personal journey as a mother and now as a grandmother. My career as an early childhood teacher has also provided me with a concentrated lens on observing these changes over time.

The isolating task young couples face bringing a child into our current world and raising them is taking its toll. Not only on their own family unit but its impact is spreading out to the wider world. Teachers and others who work with children are noticing it. For each generation, the landscape of childhood and its impact on children’s development is changing rapidly.

Scarily, scientific study is finding the stress babies feel in utero, at birth and during the initial years of their life has potential long term mental health and life consequences (Dr Gabor Mate – The Myth of Normal).

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So what is different –

• According to Dr Mate, women’s health and well-being during pregnancy and birth has been highly medicalized. Obstetricians are focused on medical complications and using convenience to justify what at times is unnecessary intervention. This takes away from women their confidence and natural instinct around what is a natural birthing process.
• Economic and societal pressures are causing women to re-enter the workforce soon after their baby’s birth. This interrupts the attachment process, parent/child bonding and providing the baby with a firm sense of security around their place in the world.
• Stress is placed on the nuclear family and the relationship parents have with each other. Their roles of ‘mother’ and ‘father’ become all-encompassing as they try to do what a whole ‘village’ of support would have done in small, hunter/gatherer groups. This dynamic had been normal for a majority of our human history. No wonder young parents are so exhausted.
• We are now in a world where technology has become a huge distraction and entertainer for children. Those who have developed these platforms and games are conscious of the impact they are having on children’s minds. They are creating long term behavioural and addictive patterns. Slowly inducing exposure with small wins and dopamine hits to keep them engaged. Meanwhile these children are losing social skills as they prefer the company of technology over the more complex and nuanced face to face interactions with others.
• For parents, social media provides endless comparison and unreal expectations of the experience of parenting. There is also conflicting child development advice from non experts. This causes confusion and lack of confidence for parents around their skills and strategies.

In our Healing the Matriarch Community Private Facebook group I asked the following questions of the members of the group –

1. What are your thoughts on parenting in our current world?
2. How has it changed from your own experience of motherhood?
3. What can we do as older women to support those nurturing our next generation?

What would be your reflections and answers to these questions and can you see any real solutions?

A Possible Solution

What I am noticing more in my own community is the gradual rise of multi-generational connection. Finding regular activities and groups to join that foster real face to face contact between people from all stages of the lifespan. Events and informal gatherings that create space for fun, enjoyment and play together.

Opportunities like this also organically provide space for informal conversations around our feelings of overwhelm and anxiety. These are things we often internalize rather than share. They are also things that we don’t easily identify in ourselves yet are plainly observable by those who hear our concerns. Together solutions can be found.

A recent Zumba class I attended had everyone from a babe in arms enjoying the movement and music in his mother’s arms, children dancing among adults and young adults with various challenges and disabilities being warmly welcomed and included. The class also had its core of older women participants gaining fitness and serving as role models for others about life enjoyment and healthy aging.

Could this be part of the solution for fostering healthy childhood development? Children seeing and interacting with adults, and vice versa. Adults beginning to re-frame their beliefs about each other from personally interacting with those younger and older. Seeing our common humanity rather than focusing on our differences and as a result strengthening our support, understanding and tolerance of each other.

We can create this connection in our neighbourhoods, our communities and in the activities of our week. We can also advocate for change at various levels of government and within our institutions. Those bringing our next generation of children into the world need our wider support and children deserve the best possible circumstances in which to flourish.

Words of wisdom appear where you least expect them. This lovely story of the Mayonnaise Jar was written on a paper placemat at a restaurant we visited in Barcelona, Spain. At the time we were inspired by its message taking a photo of the placemat before we ate. The image was tucked away in our numerous photos of the trip. It’s only recently that we were reacquainted with this gem of advice while going over our travel memories.

Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is never enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. An empty mayonnaise jar represents potential. We can fill it with a variety of things of our choosing.  Several cups of coffee is a sign of warmth and connection.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes’.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

‘Now’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life’. The golf balls are the important things – family, children, health, friends and favourite passions. Things that if everything was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the only things that matter like your job, house and car. The sand is everything else – ‘the small stuff’.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first’ he continued ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls’. The same goes with life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have time for the things that are important to you.

So…. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to have medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first. The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand’.

One of the students raised her hand and enquired what the coffee represented. ‘It just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend’.

Nobody’s life is ever all balanced. It’s a conscious decision to choose your priorities every day.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

When life just gets busy or even if you feel temporarily that you’ve lost your way, it’s easy to forget what’s most important. The small details of life add up making it hard to decipher where to place your focus.

When you find yourself overwhelmed by life, the story of the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of coffee can remind you of where to place your priorities. From its wider and wiser perspective, the ‘small stuff’ can wait.

Grab a cup of coffee and spend time with your loved ones and friends. Make health a priority and care for your well-being in both mind and body. Follow your passions and essentially create the best version of yourself and your life.