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The Lens of Vulnerability

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I thought I was fine. I see that I have been here before. The person who appears to be strong, capable, and coping well with life who is suddenly a beautiful mess of vulnerability. I carry my badge of bravery all too often. The eternal empath, listening ear and helper who finds it hard to reach out and share my own insecurities and frailties with others. Yet inside I feel a level of unrest and weariness from maintaining this false bravery.

We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people but we’re afraid to let them see it in us. 

Brene Brown – Daring Greatly

I am not sure where I learnt this way of coping with life. I imagine it came along in childhood as the developing traits of resilience and adaption. Perhaps I learnt to feel afraid of feeling weak, ineffectual, or distressingly exposed to others. Our culture reinforces living on the surface. The attitude of ‘you’ll be right, mate’ and offering quick fixes to avoid the listener’s discomfort discourages us from sharing with vulnerability. Instead we communicate with each other on a superficial level, while deep inside we feel anxious and barely able to hold onto our remnants of coping. We fear letting our guard down and showing our true, authentic selves with others. Do we fear not being accepted or perhaps being ridiculed?

However, we need to let people see who we are, flaws and all. In doing so we are demonstrating vulnerability in a positive light. We are asking to be seen by others and listened to. To show a richer, more authentic dimension of who we are. In turn, we are also giving others permission to step into their true nature.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

Brene Brown, a sociologist who has studied the link between shame and vulnerability, found that those who felt a keen inner sense of their self-worth and belonging also demonstrated the characteristics of courage, compassion, and connection. They were not afraid to be vulnerable with others. They had the ability to openly share their love and reach out to others without any guarantee of receiving understanding or return on their emotional investment.

Vulnerability and courage are skills we need more than ever. Life is throwing some interesting curve balls at us right now. Everything we knew about living has undergone rapid, unexpected change. We are unrehearsed in this new way of being. A life where we are more vigilant and receive less physical support from others. A hug is rare.

We focus on what we feel we can control. Hygiene practices, social distancing and educating ourselves on restrictions and case numbers. This false sense of security can deafen the underlying current of anxiety around potential realities. It is important that we can share with others what is most anxious and distressing for us right now. What are the inner mind stories we are telling ourselves?

In doing so, we may find that our thoughts and feelings are shared by others. A sense of connection, of not truly being isolated from common human responses. At the very least we may find someone who relates with empathy. Someone who can receive our pain in confidence and allow us to hear out loud what is inside our minds.

A special exhibition over the past year at the Rubin Museum of Art in New York asked visitors to anonymously write down their anxieties and hopes. Thousands of people responded – cataloging their secret fears including – dying alone or the possibility of missed opportunities in life. There were also words of hope for the overriding beauty of the world and the possibility of happiness. Observers of the exhibition were able to identify with the inner sentiments displayed on its walls.

There is a caution about showing our vulnerability. It is best done in a relationship that has some history. The person we share with needs to have earned our trust through their actions.

  • In this relationship, the vulnerability is reciprocated by each person.
  • They show empathy, relating to our concerns.
  • They keep our conversations in confidence.
  • The vulnerable moments are seen in the context of our whole personality.

When lovingly received and respected, vulnerability becomes a beautiful skill of connection. When someone shares their inner anxieties and hopes the possibility of being hurt helps open the door to a more genuine, intimate interaction.

Mother’s Day for Motherless Daughters

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My granddaughters are currently at home, as are many children during the pandemic. This week has been focused on the upcoming celebration of Mother’s Day. Miss eight-year-old had a home school task to create an acrostic poem describing her mother.

The task read ‘It is Mother’s Day soon! A time when we celebrate our mums, our grandmothers, and the special women in our lives, and thank them for everything they do for us’. Her chosen words were magnificent, organised, terrific, happy, energized and recognized. Beautiful and accurate words to describe her mother, my daughter.

Photo by Faye Cornish on Unsplash

For me, this time of year is a cause for reflection. I, like many women, no longer have my own mother in my life. I am a Motherless Daughter. I have assumed this role for most of my life having lost my mother to cancer when I was 22 years old. She was only 52. My mother had so much more life to experience and sadly for her that was not to be. My grandmother died six months later leaving yet another feminine void in my life.

My wedding day was bittersweet. I remember my matriarch of aunts and female family members sitting around the kitchen table before I headed to the church to be married. My beautiful father bravely having photos taken, both of us keenly aware that this was the first of many missed occasions for my mother. Many years and many occasions would pass without her presence. The birth of our two children and their childhoods, their weddings, and their children. So many generational links broken by the passing of a mother.

The year when I reached 52 years of age was surreal. I remember feeling a bodily sense of living her final life stage through me. I felt relatively young and blessed with good health. I kept thinking that she had been way too young to die.

There was so much going on in my own life at 52.  I was at that time working in the teaching profession, had young adult children and already was a grandmother. So many beautiful experiences that would have been precious to share with her. Knowing myself that at this age women are ‘empty nesting’ and there is much to experience beyond. Her advice and gentle guidance would have been invaluable. There was no road map for beyond.

The life lesson for me is in my life choices. It is more poignant and important for me now to maintain a close relationship with my children and grandchildren. I have made a conscious decision to be a regular physical part of their lives. I want them to know me and have amazing memories of our lives together. We are sharing life. I am learning much about how they are navigating the 21st century as parents of children and teenagers. They are learning about navigating the later stages of life through my experiences. Together, we can be open and vulnerable.

No matter when we lose our mothers, we also lose a part of ourselves. We lose a close confidante who can help us navigate the world. Some lose their mothers in childhood, others young adulthood and the fortunate when their mothers are quite elderly. Others sadly, lose their mothers while they are still alive through mental illness or addiction.  In each case there is a profound loss. A hole in our lives where our mother used to be.

As Mother’s Day is celebrated today, remember for many daughters it is a bittersweet time. A painful reality seeing other families showering gifts and spending time with their mothers. Many motherless daughters turn off temporarily from social media and advertisements as it is a constant reminder for them of their loss on this day of celebration.

Instead they quietly reflect with photos, flowers and candles as rituals of reflection. They visit her gravesite, cook her favourite meal or raise a glass of wine to remember her. They may seek out other motherless daughters who will understand the unique ongoing grief that is mutually shared.

One thing that may be learnt from the experience of losing a mother is a deep sense of appreciating life. Knowing how finite life is and the possibility that at any point it could end, makes life all the more precious. No longer taken for granted and each day an invitation to be joyfully lived.

June 2025
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