I have recently come across an interesting observation. The areas that light up for both emotional and physical pain exist in similar parts of our brain – the anterior cingulate cortex and prefrontal cortex to name a few. (David Roland PhD. Wise Brain Bulletin 15.1, 2021).

Our brain finds it hard to distinguish between the two. Yet emotional pain from loneliness, social rejection, relationship breakdown and grief is harder to observe in a person than the obvious signs of physical pain. When someone has a physical deficit we can see it in their facial expressions, limited movement, and observable wounds.

Pain is our bodies mechanism for us to stand up and take notice of a change happening in our bodies. As well as motivating us to reassess our physical well being it may also be giving us valuable lessons about how we are generally leading our lives.

I have a current physical injury to the ankle and calf of my left leg. I should have known better, trying a new sport on a tennis court called Pickle Ball, and rolling over my ankle. Not good for over 50’s I have been told. Since it happened I have spent time resting, elevating, and applying ice packs.

Just today reading my friend Bernie Ginnane’s @ The Willow Room beautiful March Newsletter I discovered she has also had a recent leg injury (and she knows of 5 women including ourselves who have done similar)! As women, we continue to enjoy challenging ourselves into our fifties and beyond but at times we forget that our bodies are not quite functioning the same as they were earlier in our lives.

We shared our reflections on what physical injury may have to teach us: –

• It forces us to stay still, accepting and observant to what is happening in the present moment. No longer able to be our usual active self we can choose to be introspective, more compassionate to ourselves and to be creative in place – writing, journaling, picking up a craft, reading.
• We begin to focus on self-nurture, prioritizing our needs and setting healthy boundaries around what we are currently capable of achieving.
• We can allow others to help, support and nurture us. A big one if we have been used to taking on the nurturing role for others. It gives us the opportunity to ask for help without feeling uncomfortable for doing so.
• A time for more meditation, research, stepping out of our usual ‘reality’ to learn something new.
•   We learn how courageous and resilient we are. In addition we develop the patience to take the journey required to heal.
• It is accepting ourselves and our bodies exactly as we are. The age we are and the changes we are going through.

‘Patience is a strength not a weakness’

Geshe Kelsang Gyatso

Our beautiful private Facebook Group Healing the Matriarch community offered more insight: –

‘Just be patient, you can’t keep a good Zumba Queen down for long’ – Glenda.

‘Slow down and smell the roses as you heal. While I recovered from my injuries I learnt to have true empathy for those in wheelchairs or with limited mobility. Once I would have considered them a hindrance. I had a long recovery both physically and emotionally, but so many positives were found on my journey’ – Karen.

‘During my recent injury I have needed to stop, rest, pause, accept, surrender and be at peace with each moment of my healing. It has certainly been a productive time’ – Bernie.

‘It’s time to slow down and listen to your body more. A previous physical injury of mine led to many wonderfully kind strangers helping in lots of ways.’ Anthea

‘Injury can be a reminder to focus on the task at hand, slow down and breathe in the minute’. – Ann

Experiencing physical and emotional pain is a universal given in our lives. Our injuries normally heal over time. Experiencing them gives the opportunity for unique life lessons not ordinarily available to us. It also forces us to slow down and reassess how we traverse our life – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. With your own experiences of physical pain and healing what can you add to the list of possible lessons?

Marriages today are challenging. More long-term marriages are ending as either the man or woman walk away. The departure of the last child from the ‘family nest’ is a critical and sensitive time for marriage partners and their ability to stay fulfilled and happy together. Children may have been the glue over the years. The focus on providing for the family’s needs and a roof over their head is now less relevant. For both genders, lives and bodies are changing. Once families are reduced to the original couple, there is space to see each other anew. The dynamics of the partnership can consequently be challenged.

So many changes confront women as they enter their fifties. If they are mothers, they may be in the throes of empty nesting. As they move closer to sixty they may be contemplating reducing or retiring from the paid workplace. At the same time, women are going through the hormonal and physical changes of menopause. These events can sometimes prove unsettling and emotional. Women may feel they are on a roller coaster ride to losing their identity and life purpose.

While divorce rates are highest early in marriages, a second peak occurs in the late forties. https://aifs.gov.au/facts-and-figures/divorce-rates-australia. As women emerge from menopause, many reassess their current life.  While they are less likely to instigate a divorce than their younger counterparts, they may not be satisfied with the current status quo within their relationships and life. So, what drives a woman to remain unhappily married rather than divorce?

Here are some possibilities: –

1. A woman may stay because the core of her sense of worth and femininity has been challenged. As a young woman she felt physically admired and now as she ages she is less sure of herself as an attractive and capable woman – both to her partner and the outside world. She is no longer actively a mother and feels the loss of her primary feminine role.
2. A woman may stay because she lacks the confidence to live independently. She has relied heavily on her partner for physical and financial support.  She holds the belief that she cannot survive on her own and it frightens her.
3. She is too invested in the marriage. Particularly if there are family homes and children, grandchildren, and friendship groups that rely on relating to them as a couple. The usual scenario of others feeling the need to side with one partner in divorce and exclude contact with the other is just too uncomfortable for her to contemplate.
4. She finds it just too messy and emotionally impacting to loved ones to take this step. The repercussions for her are huge. She would rather stay in an unsatisfactory marriage than risk an emotional toll on others.
5. She still holds loving feelings for her husband. They have created a life together but their paths run parallel and there is little that now connects them. The romantic spark has diminished.

Where is the resolution for the woman in this predicament?

She needs to step back into her own space for a time. To take the opportunity to rediscover her femininity and grace as an older woman. To build belief in her worth and ongoing purpose. She needs to build confidence and a level of personal independence. To discover her own identity – distinct from her roles as wife and mother. Finally, she needs to find joy and contentment in her life.

“May your heart heal. May the past no longer block your view of the present. May you breathe again, rest again, laugh again, live again. May it be so”.

Dr Thema

It is only in taking this journey of self-discovery that she can make an informed decision around her marriage.

Related Blog Posts: –

Find Beauty and Purpose in the Broken

Healing the Matriarch – Finding My Voice

Courageously Seeking Life

The Japanese art of Kintsugi (golden joinery) is a beautiful reminder of life’s journey. When a treasured piece is broken it is lovingly pieced back together using lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold. The purpose is to honour rather than disguise the history of the object. The finished work is often more striking and valuable than the original.

Our lives are imperfect. There are often deep challenges that force us to feel a sense of brokenness and despair. The longer we live, the more likely we are to face life events that make us feel an affinity to these broken pieces of pottery. We may have faced the death of a spouse or loved one, the ending of a long-term relationship, a physical illness, or a deep sense of disconnection with the world.

Living life this way feels inwardly painful and makes us question our sense of belonging and purpose. The life we have known is either shockingly taken from us or slowly disintegrates into something we no longer recognize as healthy for ourselves. In this moment there is the possibility of re-crafting and reconstruction.

“Awareness is the first step in healing.”

Dean Ornish

Each piece of our life that is ‘broken’ tells a story of the past. Some pieces hold sadness and regret for mistakes and decisions made. Others are a source of joy and inspiration. Like a mosaic lying before us, it appears broken beyond repair. Emotionally this often feels like a sense of emptiness, frustration, and anxiety. While the pieces are broken our sense of wholeness and security crumbles and life feels challenging on a daily basis. The outside worlds seem oblivious to our pain.

The beauty of the broken pieces is in the possibilities ahead. We need to take on the purpose of the Kintsugi craftsman to lovingly take the first steps to restoration. Healing the broken parts and piecing together a renewed structure. We can long for the past or regret how we hoped life may have turned out for us. Yet taking this stance leaves us in the predicament of remaining in broken pieces.

Author and psychologist, Martin Seligman, describes the term post-traumatic growth in his book Flourish. The term post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has been widely acknowledged as a diagnosis following traumatic life experiences. What Seligman and his colleagues also found was that these experiences can be an opportunity for growth. Particularly in the areas of building mental toughness, character, and strong relationships with others through adversity. In this sense, what does not leave us broken can make us stronger individuals.

I know in my recent journey of healing, starting with physical wellbeing and security was paramount. The small incremental steps to build my sense of self mattered. Part of that journey was in taking time for solitude and reflection. To spend time nurturing myself through walks in nature, exercising, journaling, and self-care. I looked for positive affirmations, courses, podcasts, and writings that rebuilt my sense of being.

The journey was also one of relationships. I was able to establish and re-establish beautiful connections with others who held me lovingly along the way. As I learnt to express myself more authentically, I found my kindred spirits on this journey. These people have become my guides and sources of inspiration.

I have learnt some valuable lessons: –

• The first is that we need to individually choose what is best for ourselves. What has worked for others may not be right in our situation.
• We hold the impetus for our healing. It will have its own timeline and unique course. It will often feel like two steps forward, one step back and what emerges may be what we least expected.       
• The pathway to wholeness is better made in connection with others. People who can support and nurture us as we heal. So, find your ‘gold artisans’ who can help guide your journey.

As the resulting product, we can become stronger and more assured. Able to make informed decisions and move in life with more purpose and contentment. We may not quite resemble the person before our brokenness, yet what we recreate can be a wiser and more beautiful version of ourselves.