Decision making is fraught with uncertainty. Sometimes we impulsively use a spur of the moment whim to decide on a course of action. It just feels to us like a good idea at the time. Alternatively our decisions are made more consciously and calculated. We might weigh up the risks and benefits to statistically back up our thought process. It can be an arduous task of assessing competing priorities.

When I’m faced with decisions in my life that are more major, particularly if they impact others, I like to take the latter approach. Finding a good sized piece of paper, drawing a firm line down the centre and listing the pros and cons against each other. For some reason seeing the mental debate written in front of me helps to keep my mind clearer and hopefully more objective.

Several years ago I had come to a stalemate in my life and marriage. While at the core my husband and I had a solid connection, our interests and what we saw as currently important in our lives had diverged like two forks in a road. I believe at the time we were each searching for our purpose and identity after retiring from our professions. Our children now independent with families of their own. At this life stage, like many of our peers, we could see that life was no longer limitless and the decisions about how we lived our lives going forward needed to be meaningful and personally authentic.

The thing with marriage, particularly when it is long term, is the degree of compromise involved. As the complexities of coupling increase with the addition of children, careers, mortgages and the multitude of life expectations our personal identities often suffer. We take on a multitude of roles and each hold different and frequently competing expectations. At different times along the way the needs of others take priority. It can be difficult to step back and prioritize ourselves, putting ‘me’ before ‘we’, without impacting the load taken by our partner.

Fast forward to the time in marriage when you revert back to the original couple and a void, filled with potential decision making, can arise. Yet before you can make any decisions you need to firmly understand the person you are, what you want out of life and armed with that information how willing you are to do the dance of compromise in this new phase of adulthood.

For me it was a fraught period of my life. One where I felt a distinct sense of lack of my own identity separate to all the previous roles I had played. Questioning my purpose. Uncomfortable with some of the previous decisions that had brought me to where I was in my life. Feeling lifeless and unable to pinpoint my own priorities.

In response, I internalized my thoughts until I felt them overwhelm me. Yet slowly opportunities emerged. Opportunities that required major decision making. My piece of paper with the pros and cons became my friend.

I was desperate for a sabbatical from my current life to truly get to know myself again. As the pros and cons poured out on the page there was a long list of cons – leaving a life I knew and fear of making a decision that potentially could have major repercussions for my myself, my husband and our family. Yet on the smaller pro side of the decision making sheet were the whispered and very real intentions to sort out what was most important to me. A gift I hadn’t given myself permission to take at any earlier stage of my adult life. It had felt too selfish.

Most of my friends knew nothing of my inner angst so were surprised when I separated from my current life and moved away. Yet I had one friend who identified the angst of my decision making at the time. She could see the internal struggle and fear that I wrangled with. The forked tongue of the decision – both boldly stepping into a new direction, yet internally feeling uncertainty and trepidation.

Fast forward three years and I am thankful I had the courage to follow through on my decision making. I am in a very happy place in my life right now, with more assertiveness, self-compassion and filled with confidence and direction in my life. I have found passion in sharing my writing with others, particularly other woman struggling with the transition beyond family life.

Some have embraced the changed me. Others have fallen by the wayside. I am at peace with both. What I now know is how important it is to find courage to assess your life direction and follow through with action. Particularly when living life authentically is at stake. Your evolution and your answers will present themselves over time.

As poet Mary Oliver says, ‘Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?’. Your answer: embrace it, make sound decisions and actively seek out what makes real sense to you. All the best.

Vulnerability allows us to be ‘open’ and fully ourselves yet we need to approach it with caution. If we allow our vulnerability to remain unchecked, we also open ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt, used or abused by others in our relationships. The Oxford Dictionary definition for vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. 

Our tendency to want to please others and remain co- dependent on their whims leaves us devoid of boundaries. Healthy boundary setting, that places ourselves squarely at the centre, allows us to make healthy choices and be more authentic. When we do this, those who appreciate us for who we are, will also be those who gravitate to us. We may lose some relationships or friendships but those may have been with people who are not necessarily good for us.

Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love, belonging and joy – the experiences that make us the most vulnerable

Dr Brene Brown.

Make a pact with yourself. If I choose vulnerability, I also choose these personal attributes:

Common Sense – One thing about getting older is the fact that you can look back at your own life and see situations where you made bad decisions. You may have been inexperienced, gullible or influenced by someone who put their own needs or agenda before your own. As a result your life has taken a different direction which in hindsight you personally would not have chosen.

The thing in life is we can only live in the present moment. The only decisions we can influence are our future ones. In that sense we can create or manifest changes in our lives. The past serves as our life lessons. We learn to accept the good and bad decisions we have made. Both have given us food for thought.

Gut Intuition – Is it a good idea? How does this change or expectation serve me? Our vagus nerve connects our two brains. The one in our head and the one in our gut. Often we allow our head to override what our gut is truly telling us. The need to test our assumptions and what is happening around us. Believe that you know what is best for yourself and follow your own gut advice. Ask is this person or situation good for me? If not, what steps can I take to remove and preserve myself?

Truth testing – Each of us live in our own inner worlds. We have unique experience of what is true for us and our perceptions of the world. Have the courage to delve deeper. To ask the difficult questions and clarify what others see as reality.

Observation – The void between what you are told and what you observe. Do they match? Do you have a sense that this other person can be trusted? Our time, opinions and priorities are our own and need to be personally guarded.

Time – Be cautious but not hasty. Often over time more is revealed. Make conscious choices that serve you – each moment and day of your life.

Vulnerability can be a strength of character. If we purposely and consciously test our vulnerability with the add on list above we can make more sound judgments while remaining authentically ourselves. Life will always be complex to navigate so let vulnerability serve you well.

Where are you most vulnerable? Those parts of your life that tend to bring you down when the rest of your personality feels strong. These are often referred to as your Achilles Heel. We all tend to have them and they continually challenge us and impact our lives.

The term Achilles Heel has a mythological origin. It is named after the Greek hero, Achilles. When he was a small child his mother dipped him into the river Styx in an attempt to make him invulnerable from injury. She held him by the heel, which of course stayed dry. Consequently that small part of his body became his vulnerability and eventually his downfall in battle.

Achilles also has his name attached to a part of our body that connects our calf muscle to our heel. Many of us can attest to the debilitating effects of damage in this area. It tends to stop us in our tracks when injured and takes time to physically heal.

In modern times, the phrase has taken on the meaning of a weak spot or vulnerability in a person.

Let’s take a personal inventory of our possible ‘Achilles Heels’.

Mortality

This can lead to our fear of dying and consequent inability to engage with and enjoy life. Over our lifetime we see our loved ones die. Each time it hits us as grief and love intertwined. The one thing our loved one doesn’t want for us is to continue our mourning for them instead of cherishing our memories and moving forward fully living our own lives.

It’s a hard one, because life will always provide triggers that pull at our heart and create possible regret and pain. Special occasions and milestones in life that are not shared. Conversations and physical contact that is no longer accessible.  Even when we become unwell or injured we feel closer to our final demise. It makes us consider our own fragility and temporary hold on life.

Pride

We can sometimes sit firmly in our own shoes and fail to empathize with others. In the process grudges can be kept rather than trying to understand and mend conflict. We can remain unforgiving which ends up hurting ourselves and fails to repair a lost relationship. Our own pride can make us self-obsessed or self-centred. In doing so we can fail to see the hurt we cause by not considering the impact we have on others.

Unreciprocated love

Love can be an absolute minefield. In our closest relationships we are most vulnerable to being hurt and let down. Sometimes it requires creating healthier boundaries around a relationship and focusing on our own self-care and love. Only then do we have the potential to attract someone who genuinely loves us in a mutual and available way.

Impatience

We can want life to change immediately. This can be a sign that we are unwilling to do the inner and outer work required. It also signals to us that the timing of life events is outside our personal control. It may even mean that we are destined for an entirely different life direction. Appreciating what is, rather than struggling for a hoped for future helps us stay grounded in the present moment.

Laziness/busyness

These feel like two ends of a spectrum. At times we can lack motivation to get on with life. Life fails to be joyful or purposeful. Other times we seem to be obsessed with getting things done. Our focus can mean we miss precious encounters with our loved ones by failing to be mentally and physically present. There is a need for balance between stillness and activity.

Selfishness

Life is about compromise. That is why we live within family units where not all our needs take priority and we learn compassion and empathy for others. There are valuable life lessons in getting outside our own ego. We learn to be humble, generous and supportive not only with family, but also with the wider world.

Impulsiveness

At times we can reach conclusions quickly. We make assumptions about situations and people without spending time to observe and listen. Take the time to gather information from a variety of perspectives. Reflect well, so your interactions can be helpful and measured.

Fear and inability to trust.

Trusting others and being vulnerable is scary. Use your intuition and other traits such as common sense, truth testing and observation; to guide you to who and what you can trust.

Sometimes you have to drop your guard so your heart can breathe

Emma Xu

We are all a mixture of strengths and weaknesses. If we are able to see both within ourselves, it is possible to decide ways that we can begin to change.

Having a chat with someone you can confide in may help to shift your perspective. We can be blind to our own weaknesses, if not examined, and also blind to our own strengths. Getting the perspective of others is helpful.

Once a weakness is identified look for ways to encourage its opposite. If you are prone to being a bit selfish look for ways to serve others. If you are fearful, breed some courage through action. If you are not feeling loved, deeply begin to feel love for yourself. Face your own vulnerabilities, or Achilles Heel, and use them as a source for your own personal growth.