Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

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I’m a Recovering ‘Super-Nurturer’.

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Let me start with a bit of backstory. My profession was as an early childhood teacher and alongside that I was a mother to two children. While that seems to be the lot of many women nowadays, juggling work and family responsibilities, when your work is also with children there is an added load. Particularly if those you interact with in your workday are a similar age to your own children.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

The Double Shift

I remember days when I would finish a challenging day of work feeling mentally, physically and emotionally drained. I would walk in the door ready to meet my own children. Each of them understandably wanting my physical attention with cuddles and play. This all happened just as my husband would come home from work and the balancing act of dinner, bath and bedtime routines began.

No wonder the early evening in households, particularly with young children, is called the ‘bewitching hour’. A time of multiple demands and the guilt of not being able to be fully present in the moment due to everyone’s tiredness. Yet the routine would be completed and we would slump down on the living room couch weary and energy depleted. The reality of the double shift that parents around the nation are doing every workday. There are things I wish I knew about parenthood.

“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.”

Barbara De Angelis

There was very little reprieve when our children were young as we were a transient family with my husband in the military. We had little respite from the role of parents as we didn’t have extended family nearby. I relied on formal care and neighbours for childcare while I worked so I didn’t feel comfortable asking my neighbours to take on additional care of our children during evenings or the weekend. Once they were both at school some of the load of nurturing reduced. The focus turned to before and after school routines, extracurricular activities and play dates. Thankfully at that point my husband changed jobs which gave our family more stability. We also moved closer to my extended family.

Enjoyment of the mother role amid a sense of loss

I enjoyed being a mother. As I look back on it I consider it the most important job I had – raising our children. During that time I took on the lions share of the nurturing responsibilities. With neither my mother nor grandmother alive I only had memories of how they nurtured me to fall back on. Luckily, particularly with my grandmother, I had strong emotional memories from my own childhood to draw upon.

Yet throughout my mothering role I mourned not having their presence for advice. To not have your own mother around to nurture and support you as a mother really hurts. I’m now part of a wonderful organization Motherless Daughters Australia. It has invaluable resources and peer support for those doing life’s journey without their mums.

When the job of parenting was complete I felt a sense of loss. I’d wrapped so much of my own identity around nurturing my own children, and the children of others, that I was unsure of who I was without that role. It took going through a time of grief and depression that I was able to emerge with more clarity around my sense of self and this next stage of life.

What did I learn about motherhood

  • To ask for and create space to rejuvenate from constant nurturing and to just be ‘me’. That during active motherhood I needed to give myself more priority. To allow time to follow my own interests and the things I love doing. To ask for support from others and to expect that I would receive it.
  • To communicate more with my partner so we could jointly come up with solutions that would alleviate some of the nurturing load. As I view the current generation of parents I’m reassured that there is more sharing of responsibilities both outside and inside the home. For previous generations the role models were much more traditional, based on only one person in the workforce while the other stayed at home. The strategies and role expectations needed to evolve once more women entered the workforce.
  • To finally nurture myself. To stop seeing my role as the constant nurturer always available to others. I learnt about establishing healthy boundaries around my expectations of others and what I’d do and wouldn’t do for them. I learnt to feel o.k. if others weren’t happy with this changed status quo and to step back from the need to please people. As a result some relationships evolved, others fell away. That was o.k. I was becoming more authentically me.
  • As I worked on creating boundaries and expectations I also increased my sense of self-worth. Yes I was a nurturer, a role I enjoyed, but I was also much more. Once I could see more facets of who I was my creativity and life satisfaction increased. I became a major advocate for my life decisions and my own preferences and choices.

I think I learnt the hard way. It took the experience and unique circumstances of my journey as a mother to realise that I had placed myself at the bottom of my list of priorities. I’m making up for it big time now. Truly making daily life choices that are authentic to me. Carving up lots of time to continually learn and share experiences with others.

If my journey inspires young mothers to create a sense of balance in their nurturing role I have done my job. For me, I can’t go back and rewrite parts of my motherhood role. It was another time, unique set of life circumstances and relationship dynamics. Most of it was lovely, it taught me so many life lessons along the way. Many of them I will now carry forward into the next chapter of my life.

Pulled in Every Direction.

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Women in the middle years of life are often also caught in the middle of their family dynamics. The phrase ‘Sandwich Generation’ has been identified in Developmental Psychology to refer to those who are facing the competing needs of both their elderly parents and their adult children and grandchildren. They become the ‘meat in the sandwich’. In striving to assist each generation they often forget about their own needs and well-being. The consequence is stress, compromise and emotional angst.

In my previous blog I referred to the close relationship between fear and love. This exquisite mix of emotions is often most prevalent when we have concerns about those closest to us, our loved ones. We worry for their health and safety. We fear for the end of life stage journey for our parents while also seeing the challenges faced by our adult children as they navigate the world. The current Covid 19 Pandemic has just added an additional layer – our concerns feel more real. We also find ourselves unable to offer our loved ones hands-on support whether they live nearby or across the world.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

As mothers, we have decades of experience of providing the type of intimate care and nurturing of our young children. In turn, if we are fortunate, we have also been able to confide our own struggles with our parents. Even into adulthood. A changing dynamic occurs when our own children reach maturity and we face the ‘empty nest’ as they find their way into the world. At that point our parental responsibilities reduce and we begin to feel our own individuality and separateness re-emerging.

At much the same time our parents age and become more susceptible to frailty and illness. Slowly we become the strong ones in this dynamic. Supporting them in ways we had not been required to do previously.  This may be both practically and emotionally as they come to terms with their own vulnerability and loss.  As a consequence they become more reliant on our presence.

Our children become parents themselves and suddenly realize the sacrifice and complexity of raising children. They also seek our support to juggle the tasks of work and life balance. We can become the sounding board for decisions they are making and a source of childcare relief when they resume work or desire a break from the parenting role.

What strategies can we use to stay centred when we feel pulled in all directions?

Self-nurture and compassion – It is important to begin with ourselves. Showing kindness so we can keep grounded and balanced mentally and physically. Eating well and prioritizing relaxation and sound sleep. Finding time to do the things we enjoy. When we can come from a position of strength it is easier for us to support others.

Some things we can change, yet others we must accept as part and parcel of our lives. Finding peace around what we need to accept is crucial for our contentment. In addition, understanding that for all of us life is one of compromise. Accepting that we don’t know how long our current circumstances will endure yet acknowledging that it is our lived experience. Remember to be kind to yourself if it is taking its toll on your physical and emotional wellbeing.

Healthy boundary setting. – Know your strengths and your limitations. Use your gut instinct to feel the boundaries of your current ability to support others. Ask questions such as the following – Does it feel right to offer this support. Can I do it lovingly or right now do I have to honour my own needs? Perhaps there is an alternative solution that will satisfy all involved. Make the type of decision that is right for you with all you know in the current moment. By doing this you decrease the chance of having future regrets.

‘If we don’t say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully, and that leads to far more problems than if we’d said no in the first place’

Nat Lue.

Communicating our love – Keeping in touch, particularly during the social isolation of the current pandemic, is crucial. Luckily we have a variety of means to continue being there for our loved ones. From phone calls, video links and photos to providing physical gifts of care packages and things we know they will enjoy receiving. Speak from the heart and let them know they are missed and loved.

When the opportunity arises, plan for catching up in person. It doesn’t need to be elaborate as the presence of each other will be the most important gift.

Just as women feel a sense of release or freedom from their active motherhood role, they can find themselves on a pathway to increased nurturing responsibilities. Caught between caring for elderly parents and the irresistible pull to play the beloved grandmother role with their grandchildren. Meanwhile their partner is longing for increased time to explore life together. Somewhere in the midst of these roles is our self-centred need to explore our own identity. One that may have been put on the backburner of life as we became wives and mothers.

How each of us navigate this web of life responsibilities is important. We may feel we are constantly pulled in a variety of directions with the emerging needs of our loved ones. Something we are definitely experts at doing. The key is to find a balanced perspective. We can do this by placing ourselves firmly at the centre of our decision making.

Trust the Journey

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Our current world is providing ample opportunities to become experts at worrying. Each day our news feed and social media bring tales of concern around personal safety and disruptive influences in the world around us. The more sensational the news, the more constantly newsworthy it seems to be. The consequences for us is that we feel less and less calm and in control of our lives and more worried about our future.

Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

The progress of the Covid 19 pandemic has created mental anguish. Particularly as we are now experiencing its impact over an increasing length of time. Many of us are becoming jaded and disheartened seeing no end in sight. Instead of overcoming the virus we are now being asked to live with it in our midst.

Yet we have all been through disruptions in our lives, times when we have faced increased challenges and levels of fear and uncertainty. Some of us have left marriages and long term relationships. Others have lost loved ones or missed important family occasions. Life threatening health diagnosis and treatments have been faced. As we get older we see more clearly that navigating life’s changing circumstances is part of our journey.

We can spend our days thinking about potential misfortune yet it won’t change the outcome. All it seems to do is sap us of our energy and take away the joy of living in the present moment. The best antidote is to let our mind and heart rest for a while. Focus on the world that currently exists around us and marvel at its simple pleasures.

‘Worry is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrows, it empties today of its strength.

Corrie ten Boom

Much of our worry tends to be directed towards those we love. The two emotions of love and fear closely entwined so our minds create wonderous scenarios of misfortune ahead. It takes a conscious effort to halt the mental drama happening, to take a breath and still our mind. More than likely the things we imagine will not come to pass. If they do, then it is time to put the mental energy into actioning steps to respond accordingly.

Other times we worry what strangers are doing and the indirect impact their actions may have on our well-being. We get angry or upset at their opposing viewpoints. We get incensed at what we believe are their thoughtless actions. The negative mindset we are capable of creating can easily topple our calm and contentment.

“Don’t waste the rest of your time here worrying about other people– — unless it affects the common good. It will keep you from doing anything useful. You’ll be too preoccupied with what so and so is doing, and why, and what they’re saying, and what they’re thinking, and what they’re up to, and all the other things that throw you off and keep you from focusing on your own mind.” 

Marcus Aurelius

Perhaps instead it is time for radically accepting what is happening in the world around us. For each of us to trust that if life is taking us in a different direction to what we would choose for ourselves, that we will be okay. The twists and turns of the journey can be opportunities for lessons and changed perspectives. Embrace the unexpected as opportunities for personal growth for not only yourself but also for those around you. The life that continues to emerge may be exactly what you have been looking for all along.

Beyond Self Pity

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Its okay to throw a ‘Pity Party’ – an instance of feeling self-indulgently sorry for yourself. Particularly when life is challenging. The healing process begins when you identify that it’s happening and move beyond rather than stay in the pain and sadness.

It’s cousin, the ‘Dummy Spit’ is likened to a young child’s tantrum. When a child throws a tantrum they are overwhelmed by their emotions and find it difficult to communicate how they feel. They become frustrated, angry and defiant. We tend to soothe and help toddlers manage their distress. Thankfully as an adult we are often able to recognize what is happening and have previously used techniques to self- soothe our overwhelm.

Photo by Content Pixie on Unsplash

Here are five strategies that can help shift self-pity.

Self-Compassion –

This is a self-attitude that involves treating yourself with warmth and understanding particularly in difficult times (Kristen Neff). Taking time to be as tender with yourself as you would if you were comforting someone else going through a similar situation. Normalizing your reaction by identifying that it is something that many others experience and can relate to. Observing rather than over identifying yourself with your pity. Use mindfulness techniques such as conscious breathing and relaxation. Gently stretch the limbs of your body to release tension. Find ways to soothe and care for yourself.

Acceptance –

Allow the current circumstances to flow like a river within your body instead of creating a figurative mound of sticks and twigs as obstacles. Having less resistance to what is happening in life can help reduce your stress levels. Perhaps the current times are asking you to slow down and simplify your daily routine. Then you will be more consciously aware when circumstances inevitably change.

‘Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living’.

Rachel Marie Martin.

Shift and release pent up emotion from the past –

Express your ruminating thoughts and emotions of sadness, fear and grief. If you can identify that they no longer serve you it is a good time to unburden them so you can move forward.

The shift and release process may be in the form of journaling freely until all your thoughts around a situation are down on paper and have run out of energy. If the pent up emotions involve another person a good strategy is to write down your thoughts in the form of an unsent letter. Describe how the situation has impacted you. Is there things you regret saying or doing? Do you need to seek or give forgiveness in the process. Remember the letter is to remain UNSENT. Often the kindest ritualized closure around the burden is to ceremonially burn the letter.

Bring more joy into your daily life –

Move with joy. Play, rest, work and adapt to the flow of any given day with a sense of joy. Rather than yearn for adventures in far off places see the beauty in your own garden and backyard. Add beauty to your home. Beautiful things to look at, smells that comfort or energize, tastes of home cooking, listening to music that soothes the soul. Every moment, even the routine ones, has potential to be joyful.

Gratitude –

Create a regular practice of appreciation and gratitude. Identifying and writing down a small list of those things you are grateful for can be a soothing balm to any feelings of self-pity. Focus on the less tangible things such as the beauty that surrounds you and the people who you care about. Possessions come and go rarely providing lasting happiness. As you wake each day realize how blessed you are to be alive and have the potential of the following twenty four hours.

Feeling self-pity is a normal, healthy response to challenging times in life. It becomes unhealthy if you continue to stay in the pain and sadness. By observing your current thoughts and emotions in a loving way it is possible to act, shift your focus and move forward.

November 2024
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