Throughout life we are involved in conversation with others. The gravity of our conversations depends on who we are speaking to and the subject matter discussed. We use conversation to inform our ideas, opinions, and understanding of the world. It also allows us to share our perspective of the world with others and hear an alternate view in response.

For those we are closest to, the conversations we have hold greater importance. There are times in our life when ‘future’ conversations arise – deciding where we might live as we age, how we can continue to care for each other and what remaining life wishes and desires we have.

How do we prepare for these more difficult conversations?

Initially we need to solidify our own current viewpoint. This is our personal work. To clarify our own thoughts, emotions, and attitudes to a possible future scenario. It might require gathering information that is relevant and important in our own circumstances. It may also require speaking to professionals in the area of specific decision making – estate planners, financial advisors, life style villages etc. Look at a variety of options – see what they are.

Once you have some clarity it becomes time to broach the subject with those directly involved. This can feel like a nerve wrecking experience as often there is concern about how the information will be received. Know that clarifying your own thoughts has let you prepare.

Use tiny steps in the initial conversation. You could start with ‘I’ve been thinking about … lately. Do you mind if we set aside a time to chat about it?’ This allows for a gentle lean into an important conversation and also gives the other person time to process their own thoughts about what you have raised. When it is time to chat, allow for the time and space for discussion. Difficult conversations should not be rushed as they have the potential to be emotive. Try to limit distractions such as phones and other people overhearing the conversation.

As the conversation evolves, see it as a potential gift of sharing you give each other. Allow for plenty of space, in the form of silence, between what is said. This gives the opportunity for each person to process their thoughts and gather their responses. It is important to encourage time to be the one who is speaking, with time to be the listener. As tempting as it is to interrupt and share our view, it is important to allow each person to respond as fully possible.

Be open to flexibility.  A conversation may bring up strong emotions. Allow the person experiencing them the opportunity to express these, particularly if it is sadness or grief. Coming to their aid, to avoid our own discomfort, may stifle full expression and emotional release. Just be there and allow space for the emotion to flow. This is an important cathartic step in progressing with both the conversation and any subsequent decision making.

If decisions are made in the course of the conversation, see them as a guideline rather than a directive. Allow for changes of ideas to occur as the conversation continues to be processed. It is quite likely that follow up conversations will be necessary. The groundwork is done. Future conversations can build on what is established.

Having the difficult conversations with those we are close to is important. The alternative, which may be familiar, is leaving things unsaid. In instigating a conversation, particularly as we age, we give the opportunity for honest discussion about what matters. We can share memories, verbalize our love and concern for each other, and consciously work out ways to advocate each others’ wishes and desires in life. Keep open to the need for difficult conversations. The rewards can override the angst of speaking the first word.

Giving an opinion or voicing concern can feel scary. Many of us shy away from legitimately saying what we feel, desire, or believe about a particular situation. It is only when the opportunity has passed that we look back and wished we had spoken our truth or added our perspective to a particular conversation.

Older women may have been raised to remain quiet and in the background. Voicing our views seen as dominance, loudness, behaving out of character or ‘unladylike’. From our childhood, we may have felt an unsaid expectation that our views held less weight than those of our fathers, brothers, and male friends. We impress with our demureness, gentleness, and femininity rather than with our boisterous behaviour. We sense the approval of others through acting appropriately and sensibly. Helping others feel at ease rather than allowing them to sit in discomfort.

Yet have these beliefs served us? Looking back on my own life I can see times when I kept the peace rather than voice something that was important to me. The consequences have allowed situations to remain toxic and unresolved over time. I stayed in friendships and relationships too long, disappointed that I did not speak up to change the dynamic or simply speak my truth and walk away. I held onto ideas that I could have shared in my workplace fearing they would be rejected or ridiculed. At times I stayed silent against injustices I could have advocated for. It is sad to think I could have made a difference in someone else’s life. If only I had found my voice.

Speaking up requires a degree of courage. An ability to respond with love rather than fear. When we speak up, we can show love for another or voice our own needs in a way that highlights the love and respect we have for ourselves. When we remain silent, it leaves the platform open for others to cross behavioural boundaries, dominate our decision making and leave us powerless. If we sit in unwilling fear, it is at the detriment of our own sense of self and worth.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”.

Neale Donald Walsch

The dynamic of a relationship may require us to find distance for ourselves for a while. To take the opportunity to work on our confidence and self-respect. To see our worthiness and ability to take up space physically and vocally in this world. To examine our need to ‘people please’- considering the needs/choices of others over our own, in order to be accepted. We may also need to develop the strength to accept that other’s may not like our opinion, particularly when they are not used to hearing it. Speaking confidently and respectfully is a skill of communicating with emotional intelligence.

Start with small ways to speak up. Courteously expressing an alternate opinion in conversation with others. Confidently voicing choices that resonate with your own desires or needs. As you practice, reflect on how you are increasingly speaking your truth. You may be surprised that others value your opinion rather than reject it. That they consider or ask for your unique ‘take on the world’.

We can go through life sitting on the sidelines. Feeling our opinions are not valuable or appreciated by others. It takes confidence and courage to find our voice, particularly if we put the reactions of others before our own expression. Imagine the possibilities of being vulnerable enough to share your opinions more openly. The reward is in finding your deeper, more authentic, and less censored sense of self.