Healing the Matriarch

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Reboot 2020

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A recent promotion of Destination NSW (Australia) has asked for a reboot of 2020. We are being encouraged to adjust our travel plans to focus on exploring destinations closer to home. With recent extended state border closures our opportunity to travel further afield has been thwarted.

Photo by Ashley Batz on Unsplash

This change was not unanticipated. Since the beginning of dealing with the pandemic we have been individually and collectively adjusting our way of life. We have been called to new actions and responses. The prolonged and fragile nature of the situation has led to some unhelpful responses such as ‘scapegoating’ individuals with recrimination or focusing on self-pity.  Whether it is government level decision making, workplace solutions or family adaption to the crisis we are all on relatively new ground and learning along the way.

Life has never been certain. Part of our humanness lies in reacting to the changing circumstances and challenges of our lives. The grief process is closely tied to this reaction. It is as individual and unique as we are. For many of us it is the personal reaction of mourning of the life and plans we had. There is a loss of innocence in the thinly veiled sense of control of our destiny. Yet loss and its lessons are part of the tapestry of life.

This pandemic and its accompanying world circumstances are far from over. There is so much going on in the background that we cannot see. Yet it is influencing how our future will play out. With no solution, such as a vaccine, a reboot process to start completely afresh is not possible. Instead we need to solidify the current strategies we are using and build courage and emotional stamina to sustain both ourselves and others. To continue to see ourselves in the catch cry – ‘We are all in this together’.

At the basic level we can concentrate on those things we can control. We can be prepared with provisions in our homes as a precautionary measure in case of future lockdown. There is a comfort in maintaining our daily routines and following the key messages for hygiene and social distancing, particularly when we are out in the community. Being kind to ourselves, ensuring a balance of exercise and adequate rest are important. Allowing emotions such as sorrow and frustration to be expressed keep us from internalizing the natural responses we have to the ebb and flow of life.

Once there is assurance in our basic physical and emotional needs being met, we can extend to higher order needs. These include: –

  • The ability for privacy – The pandemic has highlighted our need to relearn the ability to switch off from our surrounding environment. We all need times in our day when we can pause and not be accountable to others. In that time, we can allow our brain to absorb and integrate our current experiences. The practice can be as simple as taking ten deep breaths or doing some gentle stretches and movement with our body. It can also be time out in nature or taking a moment to write thoughts on paper. We all have limits on our ability to care for others. Honour your limit.
  • Receiving and giving quality attention – The person who takes time to really listen to us gives us a wonderful gift. If we can engage in mutual, deep conversation and exchange of good quality connection with others we provide a valuable support for each other.
  • Being part of the wider community – Prolonged loneliness affects both our health and life expectancy. We are meant to live in community, supported by others. Finding a kinship group of like-minded people or supportive family or friendship group is key to emotional well being.
  • Self-Worth – Having a true sense of our own value and worthiness is important for well being.  Learn to accept all that you are and forgive yourself for any past mistakes knowing we are all human and fallible. Having at least one person in your life that accepts you unconditionally allows you to relax into your authentic nature.

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t)”

James Baraz

Our current situation cannot be undone or rebooted. We are called to venture through this experience. Being mindful of what we are learning and using strategies to support our physical and emotional well being. All the best on your journey.

We are the World

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We are not cut off from the world. Every interaction we have with others and they have with us adds bytes of information to our understanding of life. We form our beliefs and perceptions of the world through our most immediate contact with others. Whether it is the shop keeper who cheerfully greets us as they scan and pack our groceries, the driver who lets us in the traffic or the friend who listens to our story. Each interaction contains the possibility of renewing or destroying our faith in the basic goodness of our fellow human beings.

Author and theologian, Rev. Dr Stephanie Dowrick, suggests that we arrive on this earth with the intention of love rather than harm. As young children we are sensitive to our surroundings. We view ourselves as the central core, like the sun, as life revolves around us. Each interaction, whether with people or objects, gives feedback to support our life perception. We begin to internalize that we are safe and secure. We are nurtured and loved by others. We are taken care of.  We have an innate guidance system to getting these needs met.

Photo by Derek Thomson on Unsplash

We also begin to believe that life is predictable. When we signal to the world that we have a need – for nourishment, physical connection, or personal care, those around us respond. It is obvious when a baby is feeling contentment and their needs are met. Awake they are engaged, smiling and gurgling. If asleep, they are comfortable and content. We soon know if they need us by their cries of distress. Mother nature has served babies well with this form of non-verbal communication which we find difficult to ignore.

The emergence of the toddler is a testament to testing the predictability of this world. A child at this stage behaves in ways to honour their ‘separateness’ from others, realizing they can choose and control their actions. If parents can respond lovingly – fostering independence and decision making while keeping their child safe and secure, they can teach their toddlers a balanced emotional attitude of both autonomy and consideration of others.

The remaining primary emotional need is feeling a sense of significance. We yearn to be valued, recognised, and acknowledged by others. It forms the basis of our reason for existing. Young children crave the attention of others – talking constantly about what they are doing and showing us their play or creations. They love our company. How we respond to their attention seeking shows them the value we place on their existence in this world.

Each of these basic emotional needs – safety, control, and status; remain significant throughout our lives. When any of these needs are unmet, we find it difficult to thrive and flourish. The outcome is a sense of struggling to find our place in the world and experiencing increased mental health issues. The security, love, and acceptance we craved in childhood become our current priority.

When our world is challenging, as it is at the moment, it is important to ensure we can meet our own emotional needs. Our homes become safe havens for our well being and security. They are environments where we can maintain a sense of control over outside circumstances. Maintaining a job or income to sufficiently feed our families becomes paramount. Having some form of physical contact or connection with others who care about us supports our emotional wellness.

Yet there is a world outside our doors. Others in our neighbourhoods, communities and world who are struggling in an unsafe, unpredictable environment. When we remain in our secure, protective ‘bubbles’ we can fail to acknowledge and respond to the predicament of others. These are challenging times but also opportunities to reach out beyond ourselves. To be the world to other people.

Initially we can remain informed of the current situations in our communities. Consciously observing and listening to those around us. Just like children, adults show responses that indicate they are not coping. Anger and frustration may be hiding the more vulnerable emotional responses of fear and sadness. Adults are reluctant to cry as they would have as a baby, yet their basic emotional needs are continually looking to be met. When we acknowledge their experience and value them with our care we provide vital support.

We are the world to those around us. When we are observant of the needs of both ourselves and others, we support the collective physical and emotional well being of our communities. Throughout our lives, our basic emotional needs and experience of love are encountered through connection with others. The challenge in this time of isolation and distancing is maintaining that connection.

Thriving through the Pandemic

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The Corona Virus pandemic that is currently challenging the world has led to accelerated change and unsettled lives. We can look at this period from a negative viewpoint or see it as an opportunity to really look deeply at the way we live and the life lessons we are learning. Could it be possible that amid the pandemic we are learning the skills to thrive and help our personal growth.

Thriving is the ability to prosper, flourish and develop well. We can progress toward and realize a goal despite or because of particular life circumstances. With this in mind flourishing does not require life to be easy. It is often the case that we learn most through experiencing adversity. The trying circumstances, such as those we have now, highlight areas that are important to us or those we wish to change.

Photo by “My Life Through A Lens” on Unsplash

The pandemic has asked us to reach into a deeper well of understanding about ourselves than we previously realized. Daily we have been challenged by changing circumstances in regard to work, education, and community life. Just when we feel our vigilance decline, more cases are identified and need to be dealt with. We are learning to adjust to these stressors and to develop inner strength and resourcefulness. The social distancing and hygiene measures instigated previously feel like normal adjustments to our daily lives. When we are faced with challenging circumstances, we have become braver.

This time has also given us an opportunity to focus on our wellbeing.  It has become a priority to gently instigate strategies to keep ourselves safe and healthy. This may include honouring our energy levels with rest when we need it and adequate sleep. We are delving into our cookbooks and with the added time in isolation nourished our bodies. Meals and family time have become a focal point of our day. It has also been a time to honour ourselves emotionally. When situations have felt beyond our control it has been important to allow ourselves to cry or grieve changed circumstances. In that sense rather than bravery, it is a softness and acceptance that has been required.

How we perceive world events is also important. So much of media attention has focused on the frightening nature of the virus and the repercussions to our lives. It is important to counterbalance this with a reality check of what things are still o.k. Family Psychotherapist, Susan Stiffelman, suggests a daily exercise to focus on ‘Five things that went well today’ to promote a balanced life view.

In this troubled time, we are seeing what is important in our lives. Our neighbourhoods and communities have been places for us to actively reach out and support each other on a deeper level. Whether through making sure people have the physical requirements they need or offering a listening ear to offload concerns. Our once busier lives, on pause, have allowed compassion and empathy for others to arise. We are remembering and practicing ‘We are so much better together’. The hope is that this community cohesion continues beyond the pandemic.

“I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance”

Pablo Casals

Families that had been busy and disconnected from each other, realized the importance of contact and hugs. Grandparents missed grandchildren. Generations supported each other through the challenges. We missed our friends and the activities we shared together. What we had taken for granted took on a new deliciousness as we desired what was currently unavailable.

For some, the changing work or life circumstances have been an opportunity to incubate new projects. With lock downs and more opportunity to reflect, dreams of new directions in life can take shape. It may be in the form of a new business, a creative pursuit, or even a change of address. With this new lens on life we are given an opportunity to manifest new possibilities.

Living through this pandemic has shown us how precious and fragile life is. For many it has prompted the desire to live more fully and without regret. This period of adversity may have a ‘silver lining’. A conscious opportunity to evaluate and choose what is important in our lives. A possibility to thrive.

Nurturing Seeds of Intention

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“A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a first step”.

Lao Tzu

At certain times in our lives we are motivated to reflect. Sometimes this coincides with a specific timing – the beginning of a new year or seasonal change. It may also be triggered by a life event such as an important birthday, birth of a child or the last child leaving home. It may be none of those things except for a general feeling of discontent with the way we live our daily lives. This last incentive for change may have been slowly creeping upon us without notice, yet there is a point where it can no longer be ignored.

At these pivotal times we may be seeking new skills, attitudes, or behaviours to those we know. There is motivation to plant ‘seeds’ of new intentions. It can be a time of reading more and seeking advice from others. We are inspired to meditate or journal more regularly. We feel frustration with a habit we wish to change for our general well being. The thirst comes from feeling discomfort with our current situation, one we seek to change.

What is intention?

Intention is a mental state where we make a commitment to a goal or plan. It begins with thinking through an idea first, then taking action to make the intentional changes a reality. Often, we spend too long ruminating and baulk at putting our new actions into practice. We are creatures of habit, so our default is to revert to attitudes and behaviours we know. For example, we might set a goal of eating more healthy food only to find that we quickly break the habit by reaching for the biscuits or chocolate in the pantry. We may want to spend more time with family or friends but find life gets busy and we discover that time has passed, and opportunities have been lost.

Why is it important to focus on our intentions?

When we are consciously aware of wanting to make changes, then focus on our new habits, over time the change becomes automatic. It takes motivation to begin and then maintain a new behaviour. Take small, realistic steps each day toward the goal. Redirect yourself with new resolve when you revert to old ways and keep focused on what you hope to achieve. Keeping a visual reminder of your intentions such as a calendar to mark off, a vision board of images or list of words that represent your ‘future self’ are powerful motivators. The change you see in yourself, rather than any external reward, is one you will be proud of. It is the healthier body, the calmer mind or the deeper relationship that is the true reward.

Like planting a seed, setting an intention requires fertile soil as a foundation. This comes in the form of mentally identifying what you wish to change and having a plan of action in mind. If you wish to change a behaviour there is a framework of how this can be achieved. Commitment and accountability, perhaps by telling others your intention, help set the path for momentum.

Water and sunlight provide the energy to grow the intention. Taking the first step of action to change is crucial. We also require the patience and perseverance to wait for our intentions to materialize and to overcome setbacks. Just like a seed if we plant intentionally and continually put in the effort of fostering growth we are rewarded with the fruits of our time and energy.

“Patience without action leads to a passive life. Patience with perseverance leads to us fulfilling our goals.”

Ikigai Journey – Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles

Your intention may be to experience something new or to learn a new skill. It may be developing a more confident, optimistic, or independent attitude. Perhaps it is developing a regular practice for physical or mental well being. Whatever it is, I wish you well. Take meaningful action and stay focused as you watch your intention grow into a reality.

November 2024
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