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Matriarch Wisdom – Advice for My Younger Self

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As we move through each decade of our lives we have the opportunity to reflect upon our journey. We see our younger selves and our experiences mirrored in the young women and girls around us. Some of those are our sisters, girlfriends, work colleagues, daughters, and granddaughters. We know we cannot go back in time to replay, amend, or erase our own previous life experiences. What we do have is the opportunity to reflect on the lessons learnt and impart the wisdom we have gained.

mother and daughter standing on cliffs
Photo by Simon Rae on Unsplash

Recently I have noticed that many women seemed disengaged from really connecting on Social Media.  While they scroll through their feeds adding the occasional like, love or emoji; comments and responses to each other’s thoughts are less likely. Women’s lives are a constant juggling act and they are reluctant to share as they may have been previously hurt by the opinions and actions of others. At times, women can be each other’s worst enemy.

The real magic of connection seems to be happening within private Facebook Groups. Here women possibly feel more comfortable to share and interact with each other and the group’s content. Administrators of the group monitor the comments on posts and ensure group members adhere to rules such as confidentiality, kindness, courtesy and respect.

This week I posed a question for those in our private Facebook group – Healing the Matriarch Community. It is accessible to preview via the community section of the Healing the Matriarch Facebook page. I was keen to know their answer to the following question –

‘What is one piece of wisdom you would give your younger self?’.

Their collective wisdom has been captured below. –

‘Remember to live in the moment because time goes by so quickly. Enjoy the good times. Breathe through the bad’ – Karen.

‘Listen to what your soul is saying to you’ – Ester.

‘Follow your heart and don’t allow the judgments of others to undermine your self-worth’ – Bernie

‘Stop letting others determine your self-esteem and value’ – Glenda.

‘Enjoy the moments! They become our best memories’ – Joy.

‘Manage to do your best from one day to the next. Your best may be different each day’ – Myrell.

‘Stop making yourself feel small, you are as important as the next person’ – Marilla.

‘Taking time for yourself isn’t a luxury, its essential’ – Ann

‘You are beautiful, you are strong, you are worthy and you are capable of doing and being anything you want. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise’ – Belinda Jane.

‘Everything you experience and everyone you meet has a reason and a lesson to teach. Good or bad, you will grow from each moment’ – Rachael.

The beautiful wisdom these women have encapsulated in their words is precious. As older women, it is important to recognize that the experiences of our younger days have made us into the courageous and vulnerable women we are today. It is in finding our voice and sharing our insights that we can emerge into our own wisdom. We not only empathize with our younger, more naive self. We guide younger generations of women.

Just like us, they will falter and make a multitude of mistakes along the way. In our collective support we all benefit. No longer feeling we need to be superheroes or perfect, instead being real women having the real experience of living our lives.

The Invisible Women – Disengagement on Social Media

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I began writing a blog for women – Healing the Matriarch, in the stillness and isolation of the Covid 19 pandemic. It became a way for me to find my unique voice, gain clarity around my personal journey and pay it forward to other women. As part of my emergence I also established a social media presence on Facebook. A page for the blog posts to be visible and a private group community for women to engage within.


Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

It has been an interesting journey and one that has given me an insight not only into my own life, but that of women in general. One thing I have noticed is the lack of older women engaging on social media. I say the word, engaging, as what I see is women observing and reading the posts of others, perhaps a like or love emoji here or there. They are not fully engaging with their friends on newsfeeds, on pages or within groups. There are exceptions of course, as I am part of some interesting groups. Some spaces I engage in more than others, but if I have something to offer to a post I try to thoughtfully contribute.

So, what is going on here? When I speak to women face to face in my physical community they tell me they are reading my blog. That usually surprises me as I am not seeing the numbers of women who are quietly observing and reading translate into comments on my posts. The private Facebook group I established is slowly growing, but an equal number of women have been previewing the content. This has not translated into either accepting or declining my invitation to join the group. I think to myself, maybe it shouldn’t matter as I am more interested in quality over quantity connection. Yet at times it can feel like a one-sided relationship where I am investing the most energy. In a real-life interaction this imbalance can be hard work.

It brings me back to the question – So what is going on here?

Women can be each other’s worst enemies. The insecurity a woman feels comes from previous experience of being judged or criticized by others. It may be around a behaviour, a relationship, or an opinion. This has worked to cause women to retreat from engagement fearing ridicule or worse. At times, we have forgotten to step in each other’s shoes and show empathy and compassion. We can say or do something that hurts another woman, often without realizing. The only solution is to keep communication open. To speak up when something hurts us and resolve these hurts with each other quickly. A liberating move. Without it, the courage to step into our own authenticity and self-acceptance is a tall order.

Women have lost their voice – In childhood, a woman may have been told to stop talking and go and play away from their parents. They may have received the message that they are to be unseen, unheard and have little to contribute to conversations. As a teacher, I saw little girls asserting their personalities and voices, yet sometimes they quickly learnt what is expected and later uncool in their friendship groups. As they bloom into young women, are their voices equally heard in their marriages and workplaces?

My heart goes out to women in their adult years who squander their potential because they don’t see it in themselves. We need to lift each other up, notice and acknowledge the wonderful gifts and talents we see. We also need to give each other permission and confidence to say, ‘This is me, this is my story’. Not so much in the voice of a victim, more as a heroine who has overcome the odds. To allow each of us to inspire others and in turn be inspired.

Women are overwhelmed – Many adult women have way too much on their plate. They juggle relationships, work, and family without often taking a break. As women, they are emotionally and physically invested in their roles. They also feel the judgement of their ability to perform this juggling act on a regular basis.

When it comes to the end of the day they are often too numb to do anything other than a quick scroll of social media or interesting articles. They are afraid to add any more layers on their lives, even if the connection, support, or information they may gain would be invaluable for their journey.

Even once women have more time on their hands – past motherhood and work life, they are afraid of the emotional investment of engaging with others. They didn’t grow up with social media, so it sometimes appears complicated and messy. Yet with a little ‘Marie Condo’ to declutter what’s valuable and relevant to them, they can enhance the experience.

What is your opinion or thoughts on why older women are not fully engaged on Social Media? Has your experience been frustrating, uncomfortable, or irrelevant to your life?

As difficult as it seems, if women can find the bravery to share their thoughts and stories, they will find they are not alone. In speaking up and engaging, on social media and in life, they will find their kindred women to share life’s journey. Perhaps the time is right to make space for each of us to value ourselves, become vulnerable, and seek deeper connection.

Which one are you – speedboat, raft or sailboat?

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There are different ways we can move forward in life. If you are a speedboat it is at high speed and fueled with energy. Think of the motivated go-getter aimed at the direct path straight ahead. If you are a raft its floating along at the beck and call of the surrounding weather conditions. Aimless and perhaps lacking self-motivation and drive. Yet if you are a sailboat you have learnt strategies and a level of control when changes occur around you.

Photo by Karla Car on Unsplash

Throughout our lives we may recognise a variety of these approaches, or one tends to be our default mechanism when responding to life’s influences and challenges.

The speedboat is on a mission. It goes quickly and powerfully forward, always filled with ideas on how it will navigate life and remains constantly focused on a distant point. There is no stopping them once they have started, as they busy themselves and others with action. When a ‘speedboat’ births a project, relationship, or mission in life their ideas and enthusiasm are flowing thick and fast. They show leadership and direction for others and inspire the seeds of an idea. They are the ‘big’ thinkers and can easily change direction if needed.

As life progresses the speedboat may lose momentum. Its energy begins to deplete and others involved may also fall by the wayside with the burden of being constantly propelled forward. The speedboat is so focused on the future lens they may fail to see the problems that may arise around them. It is only when things start falling apart that they reach a point of recognition, overwhelm and perhaps despair. Even when things go well, there is little time for reflection and appreciation of the journey.

The raft on the other hand is propelled by factors outside itself. Without the energy of propulsion, it relies on the energy of the wind and water around it to gain momentum. Others are in control. There is no self-motivated action as the ‘raft’ waits for direction. When problems arise, they find it difficult to use their inner reserves of energy to problem solve and action a way forward. They may be stuck motionless, helpless and need rescuing.

When the going is easy, the raft has a delightful ride meandering along and enjoying the breeze, cool water, and the view. They have the opportunity to observe and embrace the experience in a carefree manner. Yet as difficulties arise, they have little in reserve to use.

Then there is the sailboat. With the use of tools such as its rudder, compass and sail, the sailboat can observe the changing patterns in the environment around it and adjust accordingly. The sailboat has knowledge of both currents and wind direction to inform its actions. When things are calm it can rest and enjoy the view, but when a storm comes the sailboat can call on its inner resources, strengths, and knowledge to navigate the way.

And when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails

Elizabeth Edwards

Each time the sailboat goes out on the water, it learns new skills to draw on. When it sails among others, as in a regatta, there is an energy and synchronicity as each boat weaves deftly around the other and the flotilla moves as a unit toward the distant goal. There is both energy and awareness of others, which is key to collective success.

If the sailboat is caught in a storm larger than expected, it has the resources to navigate toward a safe haven and rest until the storm passes. Alternatively, it sees the importance of calling in the coast guard for assistance, if required, to reach the shore so it can sail again another day.

In life, we can choose to respond as a speedboat, raft, or sailboat. Perhaps you can identify challenging times in your life when you behaved more like one than the others. As you journey through life and come across a difficult time, look at the perspective you are using. Ask yourself whether your strategy is serving you and if not, is there an alternate one.

How Do You Overcome Difficult times in Your Life?

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The saying goes – “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. It is often used to encourage optimism and a positive can-do attitude when we face difficult times in our lives. Lemons suggest a sourness or bitterness within the experience; making lemonade out of lemons suggests responding by turning these difficult times into something positive or desirable. 

Photo by Francesca Hotchin on Unsplash

This question was posed at a recent women’s wellness conference I attended. The women there had each conquered their own difficult times. I marvelled at the vulnerability and courage displayed as they spoke their stories. I also shared my take on this question during my presentation: Full Circles and Perfect Timing.

 As each woman pondered this question, there was a shared wisdom around the unique strategies they used. Some had suffered abuse in relationships or marriage breakdown. Others experienced the grief of family loss, natural disasters, or the bravery to step out of their comfort zone – to head to university, to lead schools and businesses. Collectively we are experiencing and responding to the nuances of the current pandemic.

Yet there were common threads and familiarity in the stories told. It was easy to find empathy and shared touch points in each other’s journey. This blog gives an overview of the collective wisdom of their responses.

Observe the lemon: Often when a difficult situation arises in our lives we go into the response mode of fight/flight or freeze. If you can pause and step back slightly from the situation you might be able to observe it first before responding.  What thoughts and words are running in your head? What emotions are stirring in your body? Who is involved and who is impacted beyond you by what is happening? What has led to this situation arising and can you see solutions or ways forward? As humans, we tend to resist change and find unexpected situations uncomfortable or fearful. Observing gives us space to sense some control.

Perhaps there is some life experience to draw on. Then you can ask what ways have I used to cope previously with a similar situation? There may be strengths or embodied resilience that you can draw on. You can also respond with self-compassion, identifying that the situation is difficult, you are doing all you can to cope and others have probably been in a similar position (identifying with universal suffering). This is a wonderful way to build empathy for others and to motivate you seeking support from those who have the resources or experience to share.

Decide what to do with the lemon:  Is the situation calling you to leave a destructive relationship or seek a safe haven? Do you need to build attributes such as a sense of your self-worth and self-belief? It takes courage to step into action and make decisions when life is tough. To make yourself a priority and to honour your own healing. On the other hand, a difficult situation may be calling you to persevere and build resilience and ‘stick-ability’. Whichever way you go, take action to step beyond the current inertia you feel.

Surround yourself in the fruit bowl: – Seek out support and connection from others. Surround yourself with really good people. Those you can be vulnerable with who you can trust with your story. The five people you spend most time with in your life, these are your greatest influences. Choose wisely.

Use your intuition to seek out resources and modalities that are helpful. Be brave enough to swallow beliefs of shame or pride and seek the help of professionals, if needed. You may be surprised to find you are not alone and others resonate because they have had similar experiences of their own.

Acquire knowledge and learn strategies to move forward. These will not only serve your situation but build your acquired wisdom around dealing with adversity.

Share your lemon recipes: – there is nothing more rewarding than being able to pay it forward with knowledge and perspective gained from difficult life experiences. Something you have suffered and overcome – anxiety, depression, abuse, addiction; makes you an inspiration for others. Your personal growth and new understanding can give you life purpose in supporting others. Your story can be a source of inspiration. You can become the ‘teacher/guide yet continue as the ‘student’ to broaden your personal understanding and clarity.

Create the unexpected: – At times when we are in a difficult situation we cannot see our way out. People around us possibly rush in with advice and opinions. Be aware that they are seeing life through their own perspective and life experience, just as you are. They also don’t want to see you in pain.

If you are brave enough just to listen to your own inner voice and intuition, solutions will appear. Perhaps you expected to make lemon kisses or bliss balls with your lemons. Instead you receive a recipe for something quite different, something more exotic and new. Trust in the process.

Part of our humanity is living through and overcoming difficult times. The older we get, the more ability we have to use hindsight – to see the lessons learnt and the wisdom gained. There’s often a greater acceptance of life and those around us. If life gives you lemons, as it inevitably will, use self-compassion, courage, understanding, and connection to help you move forward.

Perhaps you have other thoughts to contribute. I would encourage you to comment below the post if you do.

April 2026
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