Mother’s Day 2021 is drawing near. The emails and promotional pamphlets have been circulating. Retail promotions and venues are once again gearing up for another marketing opportunity. Yet this time is an uncomfortable one for a large proportion of women.

For me, like countless others, Mother’s Day has become a time of reflection and at times sadness and regret for what could have been. My mother received her heavenly wings forty years ago. She was fifty-two years old; I was twenty-two and my younger sister only seventeen.

At the time she received a late diagnosis of bowel cancer. A disease that was not really understood at the time. Many of her symptoms were put down to menopause and were not thoroughly investigated until it was too late to act. My sister and I are among the millions of Australian women who have suffered motherloss and also among the unenviable subset of 1.2 million women who have lost their mums before the age of 44.

‘There are 3.7 Million women in Australia who have lost their mum. That’s millions who have lost the deep connection shared only between a mother and daughter.’

Motherless Daughters Australia.

There are so many occasions in my life where her absence was felt. The day I was married, the pregnancies and births of my two children and seeing my children grow into adults and begin to raise their own families. Even the opportunity to seek her opinion or cry on her shoulder when things got tough was denied. Oh for five minutes again with her on the earthly side.

It is difficult for motherless daughters to share the pain and grief they feel with others. Particularly when all around them they see mothers and their daughters enjoying life experiences together. Thankfully, a wonderful organisation, Motherless Daughters Australia, has provided a platform for support and awareness. Their website and public Facebook page provide valuable assistance when it is needed. Events are organised and general awareness promoted.

This week, May 2 – 8, is Motherloss Awareness Week. A time to let the community know it can be a difficult one for motherless daughters. Yet the loss of our mothers continues to be felt throughout the year. Motherless Daughters are being encouraged to Draw Her Wings in a variety of creative ways and post them to their social media platforms. The week begins with several Pre-Mother’s Day High Tea events in several of our capital cities. A time when women can come together to remember their mothers and share their stories. I will be attending the Canberra event.

For me, it will signal a time to begin rituals that will honour the brief time together that my mum and I had in this life. I will be bringing flowers and spending time at her grave and that of my nanna. There will also be time for me to celebrate my own role as a mother and grandmother with my adult children and grandchildren. That is incredibly special. It’s also a symbolic connecting of my matriarchal line.

From a time of sorrow can come a time of deep reflection and gratitude. I feel blessed to have come across the Motherless Daughters Australia organisation. Daily we can share our struggles and remembrance within a private Facebook group. We have opportunities to connect with one another online and in person. Each of us have been invited to take on the role of a motherless daughter’s ambassador creating a meaningful outlet and purpose from our lived experience.

Within our communities are countless women who will hold up the memory of their heavenly mothers this Mother’s Day. If that is you, go ahead, Draw Her Wings, and fondly recall your relationship together.

One of the most challenging skills to learn is that of empathy. It’s our ability to share and understand what other people are going through. In order to do that – we need to be able to listen and observe, understand, and connect with others.

Learning empathy toward others –

When I was teaching young children much of the conversations around their misfired interactions centred on asking them ‘how do you think the other person feels? I would get them to look at facial features, emotional cues and how the other person had reacted when they were emotionally or physically hurt. In doing this I was hopefully planting seeds of empathy and their ability to understand that our actions do affect others. To help them to figuratively take a walk in another person’s shoes.

As children grow into adults we hope this learning continues but from research we find that we collectively show less empathy than we used to. According to psychologist, Jamil Zaki, our collective empathy has been eroding over time. The average person has less empathy than three quarters of people 30 years before. (Kohrath et al. 2011).  That’s pretty disheartening.

Yet we also know that empathy is a learnt skill that we can practice and improve. If we are able to turn toward rather than turn away from an uncomfortable situation it is then possible to build our empathy into a habit and characteristic of who we are. It takes the ability for us to slow down and pay attention to how other people feel. To let them and their life stories into our awareness. It also requires us to use our intuition and mind together.

‘The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world’

Plato

Today’s world is fragmented. We watch politicians and those in authority miss the mark on understanding the needs of their people. A lack of concern and respect for the wellbeing of the elderly and for women’s issues is being increasingly highlighted. Racial issues continue to not be addressed. We turn our backs on the housing crisis and homelessness. Poverty is real for an increasingly large sector of the population who can no longer access employment and provide the basic essentials of life for themselves and their families. There are so many areas to build our empathy muscle.

Sometimes it feels easier to turn a blind eye to injustice. To feel entitled to maintain the status quo if we are lucky to have advantage in one form or another. The current ‘White, male and entitled’ call out is systemic of a lack of empathy and perspective taking by a particular sector of the population. Yet as a learnt skill increased empathy is possible, with a caveat, as particularly for males it requires an incentive.

We need to find that incentive to create a more harmonious and caring world. Perhaps it starts when children are young. Exposing them to a diverse range of people and fostering their interaction with them. As children grow into teenagers and young adults the empathy training – respecting and understanding difference and deliberate exposure to a wide range of life experience can continue.

So, what is the incentive: –

1. To deepen and create more balanced, respectful relationships. By building connection with a diverse range of people and their perspectives you become a better leader, parent and romantic partner.

2. Find purpose and ability to make a difference in our world. Supporting and advocating for those less fortunate. Sharing skills and knowledge. Lessening personal loneliness, isolation, and anxiety.

3. Improve the wellbeing of others and in turn improve our own. Compassion and connection are key.

As you go about your day, notice your own ability to tune into others. Do you avoid or turn away from uncomfortable encounters or do you take time to lean in and stay uncomfortable for a while to another person’s distress. The more you are able to practice empathy the more it will be a habitual part of your life and an asset to those around you.