Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

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Unique Transformation

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I have previously written about how I began my blog writing. It has been over a year now. The social isolation and early lock down of the Covid 19 pandemic in Australia last April became the impetus for its emergence. With time and no distractions, I was able to incubate the project of creating Healing the Matriarch as a website blog. I also instigated a Facebook page and private group to allow a community of women to gather and share their wisdom and life experience. For me, it has been a beautiful, authentic experience.

Photo by Katarzyna Urbanek on Unsplash

While I was in physical isolation from the world, I was continuously learning from a variety of online sources and reading copious numbers of books. Among my inspirations were Eckhart Tolle and the Sounds True Community, Kristen Neff and Chris Germer’s work on Self Compassion and Miquel Ruiz with his Toltec wisdom of The Four Agreements. Some of the many influences that I have included on the resources page of my website.

With my growing awareness and mindset, I also dabbled in the idea of becoming a coach, mentor or women’s circle facilitator. I enrolled in courses and enthusiastically digested the course materials they offered. I loved what I was learning. I wrote more blogs. I became a more proficient writer with practice and learnt more about blogging techniques through the Problogger Community. My writing was showcased on their learning site and also shared with organizations such as Motherless Daughters Australia. I spoke at a local Soroptimist conference.

It was an organic growth of my blog writing that aligned with my own journey. A journey of a woman finding her place in the world after motherhood and teaching young children. At times the journey was messy, similar to the mucky transformation of the cocooned caterpillar into a butterfly. Some days I would step confidently into my new persona, loving the world I was inhabiting, and at other times I would be an emotional wreck. So much healing took place – from unprocessed grief, family relationships needing transforming and my own uncertainty and lack of esteem and confidence.

I threw myself into the things I loved. Connecting with friends, yoga and meditation and rekindling my passion for dance. I remembered the person I was before I married and took on my husband’s name. I wanted to take the things I enjoyed so much about her, my young adult self, into my current identity.

There came a point where I felt evolved, the emerged butterfly. Filled with the wisdom of my journey. I continued writing with increasing clarity honed by the internalized life lessons I had learnt. I thought about whether my knowledge needed to be wrapped up in a business model. This was not me, nor for a variety of reasons a direction I felt motivated to take. Perhaps the younger me would have jumped at it but focusing on my writing was the passion that made more sense.

Your uniqueness is your greatest strength, not how well you emulate others.

Simon S Tam.

People regularly go on journeys of transformational change. Each time we transition through a stage of our lives we build a reserve of wisdom that we feel is worth sharing with others. How we share our life stories is dependent on our motivation and personality. It is possible to do so in a way that makes perfect sense to us and also encourages others. To create a unique offering that honours our particular talents, style and abilities.

Making Authentic Decisions

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Decision making is fraught with uncertainty. Sometimes we impulsively use a spur of the moment whim to decide on a course of action. It just feels to us like a good idea at the time. Alternatively our decisions are made more consciously and calculated. We might weigh up the risks and benefits to statistically back up our thought process. It can be an arduous task of assessing competing priorities.

When I’m faced with decisions in my life that are more major, particularly if they impact others, I like to take the latter approach. Finding a good sized piece of paper, drawing a firm line down the centre and listing the pros and cons against each other. For some reason seeing the mental debate written in front of me helps to keep my mind clearer and hopefully more objective.

woman standing in brown field while looking sideways
Photo by Burst on Unsplash

Several years ago I had come to a stalemate in my life and marriage. While at the core my husband and I had a solid connection, our interests and what we saw as currently important in our lives had diverged like two forks in a road. I believe at the time we were each searching for our purpose and identity after retiring from our professions. Our children now independent with families of their own. At this life stage, like many of our peers, we could see that life was no longer limitless and the decisions about how we lived our lives going forward needed to be meaningful and personally authentic.

The thing with marriage, particularly when it is long term, is the degree of compromise involved. As the complexities of coupling increase with the addition of children, careers, mortgages and the multitude of life expectations our personal identities often suffer. We take on a multitude of roles and each hold different and frequently competing expectations. At different times along the way the needs of others take priority. It can be difficult to step back and prioritize ourselves, putting ‘me’ before ‘we’, without impacting the load taken by our partner.

Fast forward to the time in marriage when you revert back to the original couple and a void, filled with potential decision making, can arise. Yet before you can make any decisions you need to firmly understand the person you are, what you want out of life and armed with that information how willing you are to do the dance of compromise in this new phase of adulthood.

For me it was a fraught period of my life. One where I felt a distinct sense of lack of my own identity separate to all the previous roles I had played. Questioning my purpose. Uncomfortable with some of the previous decisions that had brought me to where I was in my life. Feeling lifeless and unable to pinpoint my own priorities.

In response, I internalized my thoughts until I felt them overwhelm me. Yet slowly opportunities emerged. Opportunities that required major decision making. My piece of paper with the pros and cons became my friend.

I was desperate for a sabbatical from my current life to truly get to know myself again. As the pros and cons poured out on the page there was a long list of cons – leaving a life I knew and fear of making a decision that potentially could have major repercussions for my myself, my husband and our family. Yet on the smaller pro side of the decision making sheet were the whispered and very real intentions to sort out what was most important to me. A gift I hadn’t given myself permission to take at any earlier stage of my adult life. It had felt too selfish.

Most of my friends knew nothing of my inner angst so were surprised when I separated from my current life and moved away. Yet I had one friend who identified the angst of my decision making at the time. She could see the internal struggle and fear that I wrangled with. The forked tongue of the decision – both boldly stepping into a new direction, yet internally feeling uncertainty and trepidation.

Fast forward three years and I am thankful I had the courage to follow through on my decision making. I am in a very happy place in my life right now, with more assertiveness, self-compassion and filled with confidence and direction in my life. I have found passion in sharing my writing with others, particularly other woman struggling with the transition beyond family life.

Some have embraced the changed me. Others have fallen by the wayside. I am at peace with both. What I now know is how important it is to find courage to assess your life direction and follow through with action. Particularly when living life authentically is at stake. Your evolution and your answers will present themselves over time.

As poet Mary Oliver says, ‘Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?’. Your answer: embrace it, make sound decisions and actively seek out what makes real sense to you. All the best.

Finding Your True Inner Voice

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There can be so many conflicting voices in our head vying for attention. Arriving unannounced and at times uninvited to play with out thoughts and emotions. Waking us from our sleep or rendering us unmotivated and tired in our daily lives. These voices can be self critical or critical of others. Fearful for our own health and safety. Concerned and filled with worry for the health and safety of others. Angry at ourselves, others and the world. Deeply saddened by the current world situation.

In our daily lives we absorb the outside world – conversations, news and social media and even the unsaid which we interpret within. All these outer voices get filtered and processed within our mind and body.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

How do we filter the conflicting voices that try to sabotage our decisions, self beliefs and mood? Particularly when they speak loudly and try to drown out the quieter inner voice of our own truth.

“Your inner voice, your instinct, knows everything.”

Henry Winkler

Look to the inner voice that speaks to you with love, understanding and compassion. The voice that has your back and your best interests at heart. The inner voice that bolsters your spirits, urges you to go after your dreams and gives you hope for the future. The more you listen to your true inner voice about your value and potential the stronger that voice will become. The more able you are to think clearly and calmly. Resolving issues that need your attention.

Create a space of discernment. Consciously step back and switch off from the constant bombardment of the outer world. Find a quiet space to allow your body to process and hear your inner thoughts clearly. Question the voices of negativity, criticism and fear. Are their ‘words’ true? Create a pause to listen to your inner response.

Finding your true inner voice is an ongoing practice. It is one that consciously requires creating space for discerning and sifting your thoughts. The rewards are increasingly honouring yourself and living your life authentically. A benefit that radiates beyond you back out into the world around you.

Sitting With Ambiguity

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How comfortable are you to sit in a space of not knowing about life? ….. A place where it feels like an empty hole or question mark, yet you have no desire to fill in the void that exists. I am finding as I get older I am feeling more comfortable, and actually enjoy waiting to see what fills the uncertainty.  Allowing the next step in my life to evolve of its own accord rather than trying to control any outcome. As I look back on life I can see the existence of these voids. Some were fleeting, lasting from a few moments to several months. Others have taken years to resolve.

I have experienced both the highs and sometimes the depths of experience. Yet I would say that most of my life thankfully has sat somewhere in the middle where my emotions and thoughts maintain a relatively peaceful existence. From that landscape of lived experience it has become easier to accept a majority of life’s circumstances. Knowing situations continually evolve. People come and go, and also change. That situations sit outside my control and often have to run their course. I have come to a comforting acceptance that the only changes possible are the ones I make within myself. Changes to my own circumstances and perspectives.

Photo by Johny Goerend on Unsplash

Life has offered a good degree of uncertainty lately. As we collectively navigate our lives during the current pandemic each day brings changes in our movements and habits. In a sense it mirrors life during more ‘normal’ times but we would feel the transitions more mildly and at a slower pace. When life changes daily, it can lead to a level of anxiety and concern that colours our enjoyment and ability to cope.

Longing for the Past

Yet all of life’s current experience is rich in teaching us life lessons and building our wisdom, courage and resilience. We are currently living in a time of great unknowing. Even if we wish we could go back to past experiences they are no longer ours. We may reminisce about previous travel, family dynamics that have changed as children grow up and loved ones pass away. There are fond memories that we can only hold in our hearts as they are no longer physically attainable. Yet parts of those past experiences shape the person we are in the present.

Wanting Future Change

We also cannot race into the future. Striving to be somewhere else or for our circumstances to change. The more we seek control, the less ease we have in life. It becomes easier to accept life for what it currently is, adopting an appreciation and gratitude for the Now. It is still possible to plan and dream for the future but it’s important not to hold too firmly to it eventuating. Perhaps if what we hoped for doesn’t come to pass a different future direction will emerge.

Living in the Present

So that leaves us firmly living in the present moment. As Eckhart Tolle says it is really the only moment we truly have and exist in. By being grounded in what is happening around us we can lead a richer life observing with our senses and being more fully engaged with the people around us and the situations and opportunities currently available. It allows us to go into a deeper enjoyment of life. Both going with the flow, and living in flow – a deep, timeless involvement with our creativity.

‘Truly nothing matters but the present, because it is the only place where life can express itself’

Don Miguel Ruiz

And in the present moment we can take advice from the Toltec Four Agreements from the work of Don Miguel Ruiz.

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word.

Take time to pause before responding to others. Speak with clarity, kindness and love. Words have a way of lingering in our thoughts and hearts. They have the potential to both hurt others and heal. Mend regularly by offering forgiveness where necessary.  Assertively ask for what you really want.

2. Don’t take Anything Personally. What people say about you is a reflection of them, not you.

 Think of calmness as a superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things personally keeps your mind clear and your heart at peace. Perhaps criticism from others is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. Also know that you will never please everyone and what others say need not influence your own sense of who you are and your self-worth.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions.

We tend to make assumptions about everything based on our own life perspective. We are all living alongside each other with our own unique version of life. The problem with making assumptions about people and situations is that we believe they are truth. Often they are not. It is always important to check in with each other to gain clarity.

4. Always Do Your Best.

Slow down and keep life simple to allow yourself to do your best. Flow in the moment and work with consistent care to produce the needed quality. Let go of perfection as it is unattainable. Be kind and acknowledge your efforts.

A Fifth Agreement has more recently been added.

5. Be sceptical but learn to listen.

The majority of what you hear is not true. You often hear perceived truth and sometimes it is fake news. Listen empathetically and utilise the power of doubt. Be aware that gossiping has become the main form of communication for humans and used to bring others down.

Striving to consistently live in the present moment takes practice. Bringing the mind back from ruminating about past events or wishing to be ‘somewhere else’ takes conscious effort. Get curious and comfortable with the present empty spaces of unknowing. Observe and listen to what is happening around you and implement the qualities in Don Miguel Ruiz’s personal agreements. Within the ambiguity of life is the potential for evolving as a person. If you have found this blog helpful, comment below or share with others.

May 2025
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