Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

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A Difference of Opinion

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Thank heavens people aren’t carbon copies of each other. We all have a diverse range of life experience to draw on to create our personal beliefs and opinions. Generally we have the ability to make our own decisions, choose our actions and experience their consequences.

When we are children we take on the life perspective of those in our closest circles – our parents, family, school and local community. These are informed by the wider society, culture and world events.

Over time, we absorb additional knowledge and life experience that refines our personal belief system. When we move into increasingly different outer circles of influence, our views may change and become progressively different from our family of origin. New places we live, relationships we form, workplaces or groups we join and the information we source.

Photo by Elena Mozhvilo on Unsplash

I know in my lifetime I have not experienced such collective angst and large scale decisions that we are now witnessing with responses to the Covid 19 pandemic. We are being confronted with the reality of the impermanence of life and being asked to conform to ever changing decisions being made outside our control. As emotions heighten, so do the voices of our different perspectives.

People are hurting – physically, emotionally, socially and mentally. Underneath the anger and strong emotions can be fear, frustration and sadness. It’s also an individual expression of our grief and loss. Loss of control of a life we once knew with no valid replacement in sight. Fear of the current circumstances with its restrictions on our movements and habits. All while experiencing uncertainty around our well-being and safety.

How do we respond to the differing opinions and strong emotions of others?

Try not to take the other person’s comments personally.

  • the words they use are codes for their inner thoughts and emotions at the time. If you are able to listen with a loving and objective heart you may learn more about them as a person. Whether you agree or disagree is irrelevant. The important thing is to listen and try to understand their perspective. They need to be heard in that moment.

Check your own emotional response first.

  • If the words you are hearing or reading stir emotions within you take time to observe them. If you feel anger, question its source. Perhaps underneath the anger is your own sadness or frustration. Do these emotions come from the inner struggle of processing a different viewpoint?  Have you had that foggy, inertia feeling arise? Then take time to breathe more deeply and consciously. Give your body time for the automated fight/flight/ freeze response to reduce and for your mind to clear.

Decide if you need to speak your words at all. If you do choose them carefully.

  • It is not always necessary to respond to what someone else is telling you. You can show you care in other ways. If responding, share your own perspective without judging or attacking that of the other person. Communicate in ‘I’ feel messaging. Share how the situation is personally impacting you.

‘People don’t always need advice. Sometimes all they really need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them’.

Time is a healer.

  • Too often we seek to resolve an issue immediately with others. This is not necessary.  Criticizing another persons’ point of view doesn’t acknowledge our diversity and choices. The only control we truly have is with expressing our own current opinion. It is formed from our own life experiences and influences.
  • Life continues and circumstances change. What was true for us at one point in our life can be reviewed and revised over time. Perhaps our purpose in life is to continually learn lessons from our experiences. In response, we need to be kind with each other as we each take our own unique path.
  • If confrontation is regular, it may be better to spend time apart. This gives space for each person to process further life experience. Remember to keep avenues open for re-connection and support if this seems appropriate.

No two people are alike. As we form connections with others we will find their opinions differ from our own. On occasions when this happens, take the time to listen to their words as an expression of their current inner thoughts and emotions. They may need nothing more than to be heard.

Connection in Isolation

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While parts of our country are being asked to stay at home, a physical distance has been created between us and those we love. We have found ourselves in newly created bubbles of separation.

Grandparents separated from their adult children and grandchildren. Friends no longer visit our homes. The venues we once took for granted – coffee shops, restaurants, movie theatres, gyms and entertainment venues closed for the foreseeable future. Our usual group exercise and activities stalled. Children now see the adults around them wearing masks. I wonder what they are making of this altered world. A world where the latest word on a four year old’s lips is ‘lock down’. Even as adults we are finding it difficult to process the changes that have occurred.

brown wooden i love you wooden table ornament
Photo by Alexas_Fotos on Unsplash

For many of us, we have come to accept that this is our present way of life, yet the future remains uncertain. As humans, we were built for connection. Our current times are definitely testing our natural state of being. We are grieving the physical touch, hugs and energy of communal gathering.

We are hardwired to connect with others, its what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering’    

Brene Brown

Yet our desire for connection with others is being heightened.

  • We are looking for alternate ways to remain connected with others. The platforms and technologies that have been developed over the last few decades have become our savior in ‘staying in touch’. We can not only connect with our immediate community but also connect with friends and family around the world. Sharing both everyday moments and life milestones together.
  • We are being motivated to do what is possible to end this isolation and see our loved ones again. There is nothing like the absence or unavailability of something to build our desire. The term ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ seems appropriate for the yearning we feel. We remain sustained by the possibilities of a time in the future to celebrate life together. This will not be taken for granted when it finally happens.
  • We are learning new strategies to navigate our days. Finding reasons to get up in the morning in a narrowed life existence. Establishing daily routines to strengthen our well being and mentally find balance and calm. It may mean creating boundaries around how much information we allow in from the outside world and stopping to just observe the simple things – the sights, sounds and textures of the world around us. It is increasingly important to maintain meaning and stay connected in our everyday lives.

In many ways, although we have reduced our physical presence with others in life, we can stay connected. Like invisible silver threads that join us, we remain in each other’s thoughts, memories and awareness. We all look forward to a time when we can spend more time physically together. Until then its important to use the ways available to us now to stay in touch.

Unique Transformation

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I have previously written about how I began my blog writing. It has been over a year now. The social isolation and early lock down of the Covid 19 pandemic in Australia last April became the impetus for its emergence. With time and no distractions, I was able to incubate the project of creating Healing the Matriarch as a website blog. I also instigated a Facebook page and private group to allow a community of women to gather and share their wisdom and life experience. For me, it has been a beautiful, authentic experience.

Photo by Katarzyna Urbanek on Unsplash

While I was in physical isolation from the world, I was continuously learning from a variety of online sources and reading copious numbers of books. Among my inspirations were Eckhart Tolle and the Sounds True Community, Kristen Neff and Chris Germer’s work on Self Compassion and Miquel Ruiz with his Toltec wisdom of The Four Agreements. Some of the many influences that I have included on the resources page of my website.

With my growing awareness and mindset, I also dabbled in the idea of becoming a coach, mentor or women’s circle facilitator. I enrolled in courses and enthusiastically digested the course materials they offered. I loved what I was learning. I wrote more blogs. I became a more proficient writer with practice and learnt more about blogging techniques through the Problogger Community. My writing was showcased on their learning site and also shared with organizations such as Motherless Daughters Australia. I spoke at a local Soroptimist conference.

It was an organic growth of my blog writing that aligned with my own journey. A journey of a woman finding her place in the world after motherhood and teaching young children. At times the journey was messy, similar to the mucky transformation of the cocooned caterpillar into a butterfly. Some days I would step confidently into my new persona, loving the world I was inhabiting, and at other times I would be an emotional wreck. So much healing took place – from unprocessed grief, family relationships needing transforming and my own uncertainty and lack of esteem and confidence.

I threw myself into the things I loved. Connecting with friends, yoga and meditation and rekindling my passion for dance. I remembered the person I was before I married and took on my husband’s name. I wanted to take the things I enjoyed so much about her, my young adult self, into my current identity.

There came a point where I felt evolved, the emerged butterfly. Filled with the wisdom of my journey. I continued writing with increasing clarity honed by the internalized life lessons I had learnt. I thought about whether my knowledge needed to be wrapped up in a business model. This was not me, nor for a variety of reasons a direction I felt motivated to take. Perhaps the younger me would have jumped at it but focusing on my writing was the passion that made more sense.

Your uniqueness is your greatest strength, not how well you emulate others.

Simon S Tam.

People regularly go on journeys of transformational change. Each time we transition through a stage of our lives we build a reserve of wisdom that we feel is worth sharing with others. How we share our life stories is dependent on our motivation and personality. It is possible to do so in a way that makes perfect sense to us and also encourages others. To create a unique offering that honours our particular talents, style and abilities.

Making Authentic Decisions

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Decision making is fraught with uncertainty. Sometimes we impulsively use a spur of the moment whim to decide on a course of action. It just feels to us like a good idea at the time. Alternatively our decisions are made more consciously and calculated. We might weigh up the risks and benefits to statistically back up our thought process. It can be an arduous task of assessing competing priorities.

When I’m faced with decisions in my life that are more major, particularly if they impact others, I like to take the latter approach. Finding a good sized piece of paper, drawing a firm line down the centre and listing the pros and cons against each other. For some reason seeing the mental debate written in front of me helps to keep my mind clearer and hopefully more objective.

woman standing in brown field while looking sideways
Photo by Burst on Unsplash

Several years ago I had come to a stalemate in my life and marriage. While at the core my husband and I had a solid connection, our interests and what we saw as currently important in our lives had diverged like two forks in a road. I believe at the time we were each searching for our purpose and identity after retiring from our professions. Our children now independent with families of their own. At this life stage, like many of our peers, we could see that life was no longer limitless and the decisions about how we lived our lives going forward needed to be meaningful and personally authentic.

The thing with marriage, particularly when it is long term, is the degree of compromise involved. As the complexities of coupling increase with the addition of children, careers, mortgages and the multitude of life expectations our personal identities often suffer. We take on a multitude of roles and each hold different and frequently competing expectations. At different times along the way the needs of others take priority. It can be difficult to step back and prioritize ourselves, putting ‘me’ before ‘we’, without impacting the load taken by our partner.

Fast forward to the time in marriage when you revert back to the original couple and a void, filled with potential decision making, can arise. Yet before you can make any decisions you need to firmly understand the person you are, what you want out of life and armed with that information how willing you are to do the dance of compromise in this new phase of adulthood.

For me it was a fraught period of my life. One where I felt a distinct sense of lack of my own identity separate to all the previous roles I had played. Questioning my purpose. Uncomfortable with some of the previous decisions that had brought me to where I was in my life. Feeling lifeless and unable to pinpoint my own priorities.

In response, I internalized my thoughts until I felt them overwhelm me. Yet slowly opportunities emerged. Opportunities that required major decision making. My piece of paper with the pros and cons became my friend.

I was desperate for a sabbatical from my current life to truly get to know myself again. As the pros and cons poured out on the page there was a long list of cons – leaving a life I knew and fear of making a decision that potentially could have major repercussions for my myself, my husband and our family. Yet on the smaller pro side of the decision making sheet were the whispered and very real intentions to sort out what was most important to me. A gift I hadn’t given myself permission to take at any earlier stage of my adult life. It had felt too selfish.

Most of my friends knew nothing of my inner angst so were surprised when I separated from my current life and moved away. Yet I had one friend who identified the angst of my decision making at the time. She could see the internal struggle and fear that I wrangled with. The forked tongue of the decision – both boldly stepping into a new direction, yet internally feeling uncertainty and trepidation.

Fast forward three years and I am thankful I had the courage to follow through on my decision making. I am in a very happy place in my life right now, with more assertiveness, self-compassion and filled with confidence and direction in my life. I have found passion in sharing my writing with others, particularly other woman struggling with the transition beyond family life.

Some have embraced the changed me. Others have fallen by the wayside. I am at peace with both. What I now know is how important it is to find courage to assess your life direction and follow through with action. Particularly when living life authentically is at stake. Your evolution and your answers will present themselves over time.

As poet Mary Oliver says, ‘Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?’. Your answer: embrace it, make sound decisions and actively seek out what makes real sense to you. All the best.

November 2024
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