Women in the middle years of life are often also caught in the middle of their family dynamics. The phrase ‘Sandwich Generation’ has been identified in Developmental Psychology to refer to those who are facing the competing needs of both their elderly parents and their adult children and grandchildren. They become the ‘meat in the sandwich’. In striving to assist each generation they often forget about their own needs and well-being. The consequence is stress, compromise and emotional angst.
In my previous blog I referred to the close relationship between fear and love. This exquisite mix of emotions is often most prevalent when we have concerns about those closest to us, our loved ones. We worry for their health and safety. We fear for the end of life stage journey for our parents while also seeing the challenges faced by our adult children as they navigate the world. The current Covid 19 Pandemic has just added an additional layer – our concerns feel more real. We also find ourselves unable to offer our loved ones hands-on support whether they live nearby or across the world.
As mothers, we have decades of experience of providing the type of intimate care and nurturing of our young children. In turn, if we are fortunate, we have also been able to confide our own struggles with our parents. Even into adulthood. A changing dynamic occurs when our own children reach maturity and we face the ‘empty nest’ as they find their way into the world. At that point our parental responsibilities reduce and we begin to feel our own individuality and separateness re-emerging.
At much the same time our parents age and become more susceptible to frailty and illness. Slowly we become the strong ones in this dynamic. Supporting them in ways we had not been required to do previously. This may be both practically and emotionally as they come to terms with their own vulnerability and loss. As a consequence they become more reliant on our presence.
Our children become parents themselves and suddenly realize the sacrifice and complexity of raising children. They also seek our support to juggle the tasks of work and life balance. We can become the sounding board for decisions they are making and a source of childcare relief when they resume work or desire a break from the parenting role.
What strategies can we use to stay centred when we feel pulled in all directions?
Self-nurture and compassion – It is important to begin with ourselves. Showing kindness so we can keep grounded and balanced mentally and physically. Eating well and prioritizing relaxation and sound sleep. Finding time to do the things we enjoy. When we can come from a position of strength it is easier for us to support others.
Some things we can change, yet others we must accept as part and parcel of our lives. Finding peace around what we need to accept is crucial for our contentment. In addition, understanding that for all of us life is one of compromise. Accepting that we don’t know how long our current circumstances will endure yet acknowledging that it is our lived experience. Remember to be kind to yourself if it is taking its toll on your physical and emotional wellbeing.
Healthy boundary setting. – Know your strengths and your limitations. Use your gut instinct to feel the boundaries of your current ability to support others. Ask questions such as the following – Does it feel right to offer this support. Can I do it lovingly or right now do I have to honour my own needs? Perhaps there is an alternative solution that will satisfy all involved. Make the type of decision that is right for you with all you know in the current moment. By doing this you decrease the chance of having future regrets.
‘If we don’t say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully, and that leads to far more problems than if we’d said no in the first place’
Nat Lue.
Communicating our love – Keeping in touch, particularly during the social isolation of the current pandemic, is crucial. Luckily we have a variety of means to continue being there for our loved ones. From phone calls, video links and photos to providing physical gifts of care packages and things we know they will enjoy receiving. Speak from the heart and let them know they are missed and loved.
When the opportunity arises, plan for catching up in person. It doesn’t need to be elaborate as the presence of each other will be the most important gift.
Just as women feel a sense of release or freedom from their active motherhood role, they can find themselves on a pathway to increased nurturing responsibilities. Caught between caring for elderly parents and the irresistible pull to play the beloved grandmother role with their grandchildren. Meanwhile their partner is longing for increased time to explore life together. Somewhere in the midst of these roles is our self-centred need to explore our own identity. One that may have been put on the backburner of life as we became wives and mothers.
How each of us navigate this web of life responsibilities is important. We may feel we are constantly pulled in a variety of directions with the emerging needs of our loved ones. Something we are definitely experts at doing. The key is to find a balanced perspective. We can do this by placing ourselves firmly at the centre of our decision making.
