Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

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Ready to Greet the World

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The past few years of dealing with the pandemic has been a journey. From the initial anxiety of not knowing what we were dealing with to developing a level of comfort with the notion of being in lockdown and with restricted movement.

Lockdown for many has been an opportunity to slow down, finding more balance in life. Our days were simpler, less time focused and although we may have been juggling quite a few tasks they were all mainly within the four walls of our home. The reprieve of exercise became a scheduled event within a more flexible day. We found new ways to occupy our time and reasons to get up in the morning. When we ventured out it was bravely remembering a repertoire of health behaviours – mask wearing, QR check ins, washing hands and social distancing from others.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

As we now take a ‘road map’ out of the lockdown phase we are opening up to the next stage of the journey. One that is taking us out of our comfort zone and back into the wider world. Much like a rebirth, leaving the safety and security of the womb or cocoon to enter the unknown. For some people this is leading to a new level of anxiety. For most of us we are feeling more vulnerable and less certain about the world we live in.

We look at old photos of the overseas adventures we had pre-pandemic and they feel quite alien. Did we really navigate airports enthusiastically and transport ourselves to far flung parts of the world eager for a taste of new sights, cultures, food and language? Did we also gather together for large parties, family gatherings and live events? Enthusiastically packing our bodies close together in crowds. Receiving and giving welcoming hugs and contact with friends and acquaintances.

Yet we now look at living in a world where we live alongside Covid 19. Asking the question what is still possible? We wonder how we have personally changed and how our world is different. Can we once again take a full breath accepting that we are fully present in life as it is now? Asking if it is safe to leave the comfort of our four walls and re-enter the world once more.

Some people are embracing the freedom of eased restrictions. Ticking off the list of what activities they can now take part in. Perhaps overdoing the re-entry as they refill their schedule. Others, now with a new respect and gratitude for what they have missed, enjoying each new possibility in a more measured way. That first cup of coffee or lunch away from home. That short day trip relishing in the sights and sounds with new eyes and ears. Now savored and no longer taken for granted. Over time having the courage to venture further and further out into the world.

‘We will realize how wonderful the world is when we are let out into it’.

David Whyte – Irish Poet.

What is now different as we approach living?

Priority – We have a greater clarity around what is important in our lives. The things we missed most while we were in lockdown are the things we most crave to experience again. We no longer take our relationships and activities for granted. We have been gifted a certain number of years and are now more aware that tomorrow is not a given. That makes our decision making wiser and our gratitude for what we already have more tangible.

Authenticity – Allowing ourselves to slow down from the rushed pace of life has given opportunities for more inner reflection. We have reverted to more basic needs for safety, security and self-care. Our emotions have been more raw and real. Hopefully as we venture back into living more fully we remember the importance of maintaining these core needs. We may have also found an interest or passion that we want to develop further. A change of lifestyle that more closely aligns with who we are. With a fresh start can come a boldness to go in a new direction with more personal meaning. One that brings joy, happiness and renewed purpose.

Connection – Many have found growth in their kindness and compassion to the needs of others. The pandemic has highlighted the inequity and hidden struggles within our communities.  Could this be a silver lining needed to address the imbalance? With our loved ones, we have tasted the inability for face to face connection and learnt to value these relationships more.

As we move back out into the world we may do so with a different perspective. The challenges we’ve faced have given us the opportunity for a wiser, more considered reflection on life. It has also given the possibility of a reset of our priorities and ways of being in the world.

The Serenity Prayer

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When times are tough in our lives we may gravitate to the words of the Serenity Prayer. This well-known prayer has been attributed to various spiritual leaders. That’s for good reason. It provides us with a trusted recipe for good mental health and a foundational mindfulness practice.

Photo by Steven Ungermann on Unsplash

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and courage to change the things I can..

Reinhold Niebuhr

The Serenity Prayer can be broken down into two distinct parts. The first is the ability to observe our lives just as they are. In a sense to let what is happening within and around us just exist. The second is the ability to also change our life circumstance when it is not optimal. This requires a sense of courage and motivation to go deeper and examine ways we and our lives can be different. A journey that is filled with vulnerability, patience and persistence. We need to be brave and open to the possibilities.

From the day we are born life throws challenges our way. Some of us are dealt with more than others. Those challenges that negatively impact our childhood such as loss, abuse and neglect have the most ingrained influence on our lives. They are deep seated in our memory and trigger us when we least expect it.

We are also blessed with different personalities and temperaments – some of us are more open, positive and accepting of life. Others find life harder to navigate. They may be anxious, extra sensitive, impulsive, frustrated or prone to negativity.

The additional challenge of negative bias

As humans it is easier for us to store negative stimulus and experience. In a sense we have a negativity bias – a learnt pattern for our survival. Our minds are constantly looking out for danger and we tend to over focus and overreact to negative stimuli that come our way. When our mind is triggered to a perceived danger the stress hormone cortisol is produced. The cortisol rush sensitizes a part of our brain called the amygdala like an alarm bell, alerting our body to danger. We feel it in our thoughts and bodily sensations. It takes the nearby hippocampus to tone down the amygdala’s reaction and tell our brain ‘all is O.K.’.

Bringing in a positive perspective

To let in positive awareness to our lives requires a more deliberate and conscious practice. It is possible to have a series of fleeting moments of positive emotion such as joy, happiness and contentment but without allowing them to be internalized their benefits can be easily lost. To make these experiences ‘stick’ requires more concerted effort to work with the mind. We need to slow down and truly savour an enjoyable experience so it increases positive neural pathways. Research has found that our brain has the potential for change via neuroplasticity – bit by bit incrementally changing the chemical pathways so our experience of life is altered. American psychologist, Dr Rick Hanson PhD, speaks to our learned ability to Take in the Good. We can do that by increasing our awareness and creation of positive experiences, then allowing them to be expanded and fully absorbed within our mind and body.

Building inner resources to allow us to change.

A good starting point is to live in the present moment, living each day one at a time. Our own ‘histories’ of past experiences need a degree of our acknowledgement and a sense of self compassion. Yes, some of our experiences were tough and difficult. We can, with our hands over our hearts, soothe our hurt and sadness. Things may have been difficult to bear and involved harm and personal suffering. We may have also harmed others in the past.

The change we can bring is to let go and decrease the negative impact of our past events. To begin afresh today, knowing we cannot change the script. Yet, like a garden we can tend to the weeds, beginning to decrease or eliminate their hold on us. Letting go of what no longer serves us.

We can also foster a variety of inner mental resources to face life’s challenges – resilience, self-reliance, confidence, patience, generosity, compassion and empathy, feeling deeply that we are cared for and loved, being emotionally balanced, feeling inner peace and calm, experiencing mental strength, resolve and happiness. As each of these resources are developed we become less vulnerable to life’s slings and arrows. We are also a better source of support and strength for others.

Life is not without its challenges. At first we can accept with self-compassion the circumstances that arise. Observing and acknowledging them. Experiencing both the good and not so good of life. This is the first part of the Serenity Prayer.

Yet we don’t need to stop there. It is also possible to change the circumstances of life by reducing our focus on the negative and in a deliberate way enhancing our experience of the positive. The potential to change, the second part of the Serenity Prayer, is available to all of us.

Pulled in Every Direction.

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Women in the middle years of life are often also caught in the middle of their family dynamics. The phrase ‘Sandwich Generation’ has been identified in Developmental Psychology to refer to those who are facing the competing needs of both their elderly parents and their adult children and grandchildren. They become the ‘meat in the sandwich’. In striving to assist each generation they often forget about their own needs and well-being. The consequence is stress, compromise and emotional angst.

In my previous blog I referred to the close relationship between fear and love. This exquisite mix of emotions is often most prevalent when we have concerns about those closest to us, our loved ones. We worry for their health and safety. We fear for the end of life stage journey for our parents while also seeing the challenges faced by our adult children as they navigate the world. The current Covid 19 Pandemic has just added an additional layer – our concerns feel more real. We also find ourselves unable to offer our loved ones hands-on support whether they live nearby or across the world.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

As mothers, we have decades of experience of providing the type of intimate care and nurturing of our young children. In turn, if we are fortunate, we have also been able to confide our own struggles with our parents. Even into adulthood. A changing dynamic occurs when our own children reach maturity and we face the ‘empty nest’ as they find their way into the world. At that point our parental responsibilities reduce and we begin to feel our own individuality and separateness re-emerging.

At much the same time our parents age and become more susceptible to frailty and illness. Slowly we become the strong ones in this dynamic. Supporting them in ways we had not been required to do previously.  This may be both practically and emotionally as they come to terms with their own vulnerability and loss.  As a consequence they become more reliant on our presence.

Our children become parents themselves and suddenly realize the sacrifice and complexity of raising children. They also seek our support to juggle the tasks of work and life balance. We can become the sounding board for decisions they are making and a source of childcare relief when they resume work or desire a break from the parenting role.

What strategies can we use to stay centred when we feel pulled in all directions?

Self-nurture and compassion – It is important to begin with ourselves. Showing kindness so we can keep grounded and balanced mentally and physically. Eating well and prioritizing relaxation and sound sleep. Finding time to do the things we enjoy. When we can come from a position of strength it is easier for us to support others.

Some things we can change, yet others we must accept as part and parcel of our lives. Finding peace around what we need to accept is crucial for our contentment. In addition, understanding that for all of us life is one of compromise. Accepting that we don’t know how long our current circumstances will endure yet acknowledging that it is our lived experience. Remember to be kind to yourself if it is taking its toll on your physical and emotional wellbeing.

Healthy boundary setting. – Know your strengths and your limitations. Use your gut instinct to feel the boundaries of your current ability to support others. Ask questions such as the following – Does it feel right to offer this support. Can I do it lovingly or right now do I have to honour my own needs? Perhaps there is an alternative solution that will satisfy all involved. Make the type of decision that is right for you with all you know in the current moment. By doing this you decrease the chance of having future regrets.

‘If we don’t say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully, and that leads to far more problems than if we’d said no in the first place’

Nat Lue.

Communicating our love – Keeping in touch, particularly during the social isolation of the current pandemic, is crucial. Luckily we have a variety of means to continue being there for our loved ones. From phone calls, video links and photos to providing physical gifts of care packages and things we know they will enjoy receiving. Speak from the heart and let them know they are missed and loved.

When the opportunity arises, plan for catching up in person. It doesn’t need to be elaborate as the presence of each other will be the most important gift.

Just as women feel a sense of release or freedom from their active motherhood role, they can find themselves on a pathway to increased nurturing responsibilities. Caught between caring for elderly parents and the irresistible pull to play the beloved grandmother role with their grandchildren. Meanwhile their partner is longing for increased time to explore life together. Somewhere in the midst of these roles is our self-centred need to explore our own identity. One that may have been put on the backburner of life as we became wives and mothers.

How each of us navigate this web of life responsibilities is important. We may feel we are constantly pulled in a variety of directions with the emerging needs of our loved ones. Something we are definitely experts at doing. The key is to find a balanced perspective. We can do this by placing ourselves firmly at the centre of our decision making.

Trust the Journey

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Our current world is providing ample opportunities to become experts at worrying. Each day our news feed and social media bring tales of concern around personal safety and disruptive influences in the world around us. The more sensational the news, the more constantly newsworthy it seems to be. The consequences for us is that we feel less and less calm and in control of our lives and more worried about our future.

Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

The progress of the Covid 19 pandemic has created mental anguish. Particularly as we are now experiencing its impact over an increasing length of time. Many of us are becoming jaded and disheartened seeing no end in sight. Instead of overcoming the virus we are now being asked to live with it in our midst.

Yet we have all been through disruptions in our lives, times when we have faced increased challenges and levels of fear and uncertainty. Some of us have left marriages and long term relationships. Others have lost loved ones or missed important family occasions. Life threatening health diagnosis and treatments have been faced. As we get older we see more clearly that navigating life’s changing circumstances is part of our journey.

We can spend our days thinking about potential misfortune yet it won’t change the outcome. All it seems to do is sap us of our energy and take away the joy of living in the present moment. The best antidote is to let our mind and heart rest for a while. Focus on the world that currently exists around us and marvel at its simple pleasures.

‘Worry is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrows, it empties today of its strength.

Corrie ten Boom

Much of our worry tends to be directed towards those we love. The two emotions of love and fear closely entwined so our minds create wonderous scenarios of misfortune ahead. It takes a conscious effort to halt the mental drama happening, to take a breath and still our mind. More than likely the things we imagine will not come to pass. If they do, then it is time to put the mental energy into actioning steps to respond accordingly.

Other times we worry what strangers are doing and the indirect impact their actions may have on our well-being. We get angry or upset at their opposing viewpoints. We get incensed at what we believe are their thoughtless actions. The negative mindset we are capable of creating can easily topple our calm and contentment.

“Don’t waste the rest of your time here worrying about other people– — unless it affects the common good. It will keep you from doing anything useful. You’ll be too preoccupied with what so and so is doing, and why, and what they’re saying, and what they’re thinking, and what they’re up to, and all the other things that throw you off and keep you from focusing on your own mind.” 

Marcus Aurelius

Perhaps instead it is time for radically accepting what is happening in the world around us. For each of us to trust that if life is taking us in a different direction to what we would choose for ourselves, that we will be okay. The twists and turns of the journey can be opportunities for lessons and changed perspectives. Embrace the unexpected as opportunities for personal growth for not only yourself but also for those around you. The life that continues to emerge may be exactly what you have been looking for all along.

November 2024
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