Healing the Matriarch

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Let It Be

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‘When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be’

These are the opening lyrics of one of the last songs recorded by the famous band, The Beatles. It was written at a time when they were contemplating going their separate ways. Their words of wisdom to accept what unfolds in life continue to be relevant today.

Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash

We do a lot of accepting in our lives. From the time of our birth until we die we experience constant change – in ourselves and in our world.  Some of it we are happy to embrace. Exciting new adventures, new relationships and new knowledge. Other times, change is not so welcomed. Ruby Wax, in her book A Mindfulness Guide for Survival, identifies six reality checks that we experience in life. They are – difficult emotions, uncertainty, loneliness, change, dissatisfaction and death/impermanence. Each is unavoidable so how we approach them matters. When we accept that they are inevitable parts of our lives we are better able to surrender to them.

Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life

Eckhart Tolle

When we accept our reality we aren’t necessarily resigning ourselves to the way things are. Neither are we helpless nor rendering ourselves unable to act. Acceptance doesn’t mean we need to feel a sense of apathy, futility or defeat. As the Serenity Prayer states we can either serenely accept our current circumstances or muster the strength to identify where we can make changes. In a sense acceptance can both bring a sense of calm in surrender or provide our motivation to change a situation or behaviour if possible.

Not accepting what’s happening in our lives can lead to angst, anger and dissatisfaction. Often the situations that most need our acceptance are part of the unavoidable realities of life or are not really accessible to us at all.

The past is a ripe arena for the need for acceptance. There are times in our past where we regret the things we did or said. Yet, although the past has been and gone, often we let our minds become great story tellers. Reliving the emotions and ruminating over the words spoken at the time. We recreate the scenes, the actors and dialogue over and over. Not as reality but as our imperfectly stored memory of the events.

Unfortunately a lot of these stories are negative. Dr Russ Harris, who wrote the book The Happiness Trap, states that research has found that around 80% of our relatively constant thoughts have some degree of negative content. That’s pretty scary, but it comes from our evolutionary need to scan for danger around us. If we believe our thoughts are true representations of our lives it is easy to see how they can lead to anxiety, depression, anger, low self-esteem, self-doubt and insecurity.

While we can’t fact check our stories from the past, effectively distract or push away their contents or even try to rewrite them more positively, there are things we can do. We can forgive ourselves or others for the parts each of us played. We can understand the context of what occurred for each ‘actor’. We can also use defusion, the first step in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This requires simply to acknowledge the past story ‘This is my story’. Label it. For example – this is my ‘I am unlovable’, ‘I can’t do it’, ‘I’m fat’, ‘I’m boring’ or ‘I can’t cope’ story. By acknowledging the story exists in our mind and simply letting it come and go as it pleases, it’s possible to diffuse its significance. When it has less influence to hold our attention we can channel our energy into something more meaningful or personally valuable.

The future is another area ripe for acceptance. We often take our past experience and our current beliefs about a situation and get busy worrying about what’s ahead. The issue is that much of what we worry about never eventuates. If it does, then the best antidote to our anxiety is taking meaningful action. If it doesn’t, then we’ve expended a lot of unnecessary mental energy. It’s important to recognise how little control we have over our future, just as we can’t rewrite the past. Eckhart Tolle reminds us that the only place where we truly exist is in the present moment. Accepting this fact is crucial to living fully in the Now.

As you go about your day, observe how much acceptance you are bringing to your life. Appreciate the myriad of past experiences that have made you who you are right now. Allow yourself to surrender to your current circumstances and acknowledge the lack of control you truly have over future events. In acceptance you have the ability to have a more realistic view of life. In doing so you are able to cope with what is and harness the ability to make things better.

Showing Self Compassion

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Dr Kristen Neff describes compassion as ‘the wish that a being does not suffer, usually with feelings of tender warm-hearted concern’. It can be directed toward another individual, group of individuals, an animal or toward the world in general. When we turn compassion inwardly toward ourselves it becomes self-compassion.

Often it’s easier to show compassion and concern toward others. We identify parts of their suffering with our own similar experience and it creates a connection. We quite effortlessly know the words to say and the tone of voice to use to soothe their discomfort. We also have a store of caring actions we have learnt from our own life experience that we can tap into. Even young children sense the suffering of others and respond in compassionate ways.

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

Feeling compassion activates the reward centres of the brain. People who give compassion to others are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives. When we receive compassion, but not pity, from others we feel less alone, understood and find it easier to face the difficulties of life.

Giving and receiving compassion builds our sense of connection with others. Isolation and loneliness is one of the hardest human states to endure. We naturally thrive on connectedness and belonging. We also feel a sense of stability, strength and resilience in the giving and receiving of compassion.

But something unusual can happen when we direct compassion toward ourselves. It seems harder to find those kind and warm-hearted words and feelings. Tara Brach speaks of this phenomena as the ‘near enemy’ of self-care and self-compassion. In place of tender care we gravitate to self-criticism. Perhaps it has a long history of feeling ‘not good enough’ or ‘not worthy’ of compassion from others. When we’ve made a mistake how quickly do we default to berating ourselves with words of criticism and self-judgement. Often these reactions are over exaggerated in comparison to the situation experienced.

Over many years we can internalize the criticism we hear from others and make it our own self-belief. Mistakenly thinking we are motivating ourselves to do better by being self-critical. Yet the greater motivator would be to take the stance of being more self-compassionate instead. If we can hold our pain and suffering in loving ways this gives us the ability to bear it and move on. Remembering that suffering is a part of our human experience and that we can bring to mind instances when others have cared about us.

“Self-Compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us”

Kristen Neff

How can we foster compassion toward ourselves?

ACCEPTANCE – fostering the ability to be present with whatever is happening at any given moment without judgement or resistance. Reminding ourselves ‘This is happening right now’ particularly if it is unpleasant. What we are aware of we can soothe lovingly.

CLARITY – we soothe and comfort ourselves to make the wiser choice or option. We make much better decisions.  It also allows us to respond to the situation rather than react to it.

COURAGEOUSNESS – Brene Brown reminds us that mindfulness gives us a courageous presence to stay with suffering, rather than turn away from it. To look at what we don’t like or what is uncomfortable. When our heart is open, we really care and want to do all we can to change things for the better. Both for ourselves and others.

CONNECTION – Saying to ourselves – ‘Everyone experiences suffering.  I am not alone’. Accepting that our life experience as humans is both imperfect and fallible. We all make mistakes and learn from them.

The next time you berate yourself over something you do… pause. Think about how you would respond toward a close friend in the same situation. What would you say and do to help soothe their pain? Then give those soothing words to yourself. Remind yourself that others have had similar experiences and that your pain is valid. Motivate your well-being with loving kindness rather than criticism and build the strengths of self-compassion along the way.

Be Your Best Friend

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Psychologist Dr Rick Hanson suggests that one of the basic self-care strategies for good mental health is befriending ourselves. It may seem obvious but often we act like a much better friend to others than we do to ourselves. Much of it is unconscious. Deeply rooted in our childhood experiences and the expectations of others. It is not until we pause and really reflect on situations and relationships that its possible to see if we are being ‘our own best friend’.

woman holding gray ceramic mug
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

We befriend ourselves when we: –

Stay grounded in our self-awareness. Living life according to our unique core values. Being aware of our strengths and also our vulnerabilities. When we face life challenges we look for resources to overcome each obstacle that arises. We examine our beliefs when we think we are not important or worthy of nurture and attention.

Honour that all beings, including ourselves, are treated with decency, care and respect. That means responding toward ourselves as we would to others in a similar situation. Psychologist Kristen Neff suggests that self-compassion is a gift to ourselves that gives us the strength and resources to maintain giving to others without feeling burnt out.

In effect, we become better resourced to care for the needs of others. Just like the basic piece of aircraft safety advice – ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’. Mothers find this particularly hard to do as primary caregivers of their children. Yet unless they find strategies to share the load and create time for themselves they can easily become overwhelmed.

Make our life decisions based on what is best for us. You have the most power and responsibility over shaping your future self. If you give that task over to others you lose control of your personal fulfillment and life purpose.

When we take the stance of “my life matters, it matters to me” – supporting and prioritizing ourselves and our own needs. How would you act in a tricky or challenging situation where your needs and priorities clashed with others?

‘If we can’t love ourselves, we can’t really love our life’ – everything unfolds from that’.

Tara Brach

Sometimes befriending ourselves is easier said than done. Life situations can overwhelm us and we end up putting our priorities on the backburner. It’s also possible that we feel so distanced from our own identity that we really don’t know what we need. A stalemate may exist around our ability to enjoy life and see where we now fit in. This can happen particularly at life transitions – early parenthood, retirement at the end of a career, empty nesting our families. If that is you, be kind to yourself and begin exploring your most important needs right now.

Another major hijacker of our self-care are our thoughts and beliefs. As a child our needs may have been deliberately or inadvertently neglected. As a result we begin to see meeting those needs as unimportant. This mindset can continue into adulthood. Re-examine your beliefs and the ways you speak to yourself. If you are self-critical, examine where the thoughts may have originated and if they are true.

The need to ‘people please’ can also have a long history, particularly for women, as it links identity to prioritizing the needs of others over ourselves. Living this way may bring admiration from others but it may also make it difficult to be aware of and prioritize personal needs. A balance between the two – pleasing others and pleasing ourselves – is important. It requires courage to sometimes let others down and deal with a certain level of conflict to redress imbalances of power and importance. If this sounds like you, seek courage to make yourself matter.

Befriending ourselves isn’t easy. It requires ongoing monitoring of what’s happening in our lives. While it is challenging, it also rewarding. Particularly for our sense of happiness, pleasure and self-worth. We also need to feel that we are the directors of our lives in meaningful ways. When these elements come together there is a sense of engaging with the world with wholeness, ease and contentment. Think about what sort of friend you are being to yourself right now. Are you giving yourself care and attention? Are you advocating for what is most important to you? If you’re unsure, it may be time to assess if you are befriending yourself.

Waiting for Disappointment

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Have you ever been in a situation where you have planned or dreamed about a special occasion and when it arrives you quietly anticipate things going awry? That was me around my planning for celebrating Christmas this year with our adult children and their families. Would it live up to expectation?

Photo by Lynda Hinton on Unsplash

So many times in our lives we anticipate a future event. Mentally choreographing what would occur, how we would be and the actions, words and emotions of those around us. In the daydreaming, the imagery is visceral. We feel the hugs and cuddles, hear the laughter and conversation and smell the aromas of food shared.

My own fondest memories of Christmas lay in my childhood. Extended family gatherings and a Nanna who waited until all the gifts were distributed then brought out an old suitcase of small, individually wrapped presents to distribute. Food was a highlight and each consecutive year I remember more sherry being added to the traditional Christmas trifle as Nanna aged.

The memories of Christmas beyond my childhood have been bittersweet. I lost my mum and Nanna when I was 22 years old so for me the intact, joyful experience of celebration left alongside their parting. My husband and his family continued to celebrate large extended Christmas Days and holidays together. I am eternally grateful that our children could experience such lovely Christmases in their own childhood. For me, there were always moments of sadness that we couldn’t fully reciprocate the experience with my side of the family.

The Christmas of 2021 became my opportunity as matriarch to create memories with my own family. With Covid restrictions and the loss of my husband’s mother in May, I made a conscious decision to host our immediate family for the Christmas period in our home.

It was joyful to buy gifts early and plan the meals that we would have over several days. We prepared our home and garden and the week before Christmas decorated our tree, giving it pride of place in the living room. I also wanted to update our professional family photos. Our family had grown by three more grandchildren and it had been a decade since the last ones were taken. A local photographer was booked for just after Christmas Day.

As the day approached we nervously anticipated the safe travel and good health of each family member. Both families had long car journeys to take in heavier than usual traffic. It was a relief when they arrived and began settling into our home. Each family had visited their grandparent’s plot at the memorial gardens and as night fell on Christmas Eve we walked the neighbourhood streets admiring the beautiful Christmas lights on the houses. Santa sacks were placed near the Christmas tree as our excited and weary grandchildren headed off to bed.

Christmas morning was a flurry of joyful activity, opening presents and scattering the carefully wrapped paper around ourselves. Croissants for brunch then the timed execution of a hot roast lunch. The weather was delightful on Christmas day so we swam in the pool, drank and ate into the evening. I waited, but no disappointment appeared, the day went beautifully.

Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment

Brene Brown – Atlas of the Heart.

Boxing Day we spent at a favourite beach. One we had ventured to for family holidays over the years. It was a gorgeous, sunny morning. The waves were calm and the water clear and inviting. We couldn’t have orchestrated anything more perfect. There were a few sun kissed faces as we headed to the shade of trees for a fish and chip lunch.

The next morning we woke to early rain. This was the day of our Family Photo shoot. In my mind the disappointment surfaced. This was an infrequent opportunity to be together and we really wanted to take the photos outdoors in our garden. We took a ‘wait and see’ approach with our photographer and aimed for a 10.00 am shoot. Unbelievably as the time approached the sun suddenly began to shine and we were able to capture some beautiful images together.

The remaining days together we swam, ate, played and conversed. Having the luxury of time and space to really connect with each other. As each family left to head on their way home, I felt a real sense of contentment for the time we had spent together.

Christmas holds many memories for us. The family matriarchs are often the instigators of the aspects of celebration. For me, no disappointment arrived. It was a wonderful family time together that I will always cherish. I hope for our children and grandchildren it will also be a time they will recall and reminisce. A time to add to their store of memories.

At times we can look for occasions to disappoint us especially if we put lots of planning and anticipation into them. What may be best is to ‘go with the flow’ accepting what turns up and adding it to the memory bank. Sometimes things go as planned. Other times unexpected things happen. I was just delighted that all I had hoped for came to fruition. A beautiful Christmas with my family.

May 2025
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