Dr Kristen Neff describes compassion as ‘the wish that a being does not suffer, usually with feelings of tender warm-hearted concern’. It can be directed toward another individual, group of individuals, an animal or toward the world in general. When we turn compassion inwardly toward ourselves it becomes self-compassion.
Often it’s easier to show compassion and concern toward others. We identify parts of their suffering with our own similar experience and it creates a connection. We quite effortlessly know the words to say and the tone of voice to use to soothe their discomfort. We also have a store of caring actions we have learnt from our own life experience that we can tap into. Even young children sense the suffering of others and respond in compassionate ways.
Feeling compassion activates the reward centres of the brain. People who give compassion to others are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives. When we receive compassion, but not pity, from others we feel less alone, understood and find it easier to face the difficulties of life.
Giving and receiving compassion builds our sense of connection with others. Isolation and loneliness is one of the hardest human states to endure. We naturally thrive on connectedness and belonging. We also feel a sense of stability, strength and resilience in the giving and receiving of compassion.
But something unusual can happen when we direct compassion toward ourselves. It seems harder to find those kind and warm-hearted words and feelings. Tara Brach speaks of this phenomena as the ‘near enemy’ of self-care and self-compassion. In place of tender care we gravitate to self-criticism. Perhaps it has a long history of feeling ‘not good enough’ or ‘not worthy’ of compassion from others. When we’ve made a mistake how quickly do we default to berating ourselves with words of criticism and self-judgement. Often these reactions are over exaggerated in comparison to the situation experienced.
Over many years we can internalize the criticism we hear from others and make it our own self-belief. Mistakenly thinking we are motivating ourselves to do better by being self-critical. Yet the greater motivator would be to take the stance of being more self-compassionate instead. If we can hold our pain and suffering in loving ways this gives us the ability to bear it and move on. Remembering that suffering is a part of our human experience and that we can bring to mind instances when others have cared about us.
“Self-Compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us”
Kristen Neff
How can we foster compassion toward ourselves?
ACCEPTANCE – fostering the ability to be present with whatever is happening at any given moment without judgement or resistance. Reminding ourselves ‘This is happening right now’ particularly if it is unpleasant. What we are aware of we can soothe lovingly.
CLARITY – we soothe and comfort ourselves to make the wiser choice or option. We make much better decisions. It also allows us to respond to the situation rather than react to it.
COURAGEOUSNESS – Brene Brown reminds us that mindfulness gives us a courageous presence to stay with suffering, rather than turn away from it. To look at what we don’t like or what is uncomfortable. When our heart is open, we really care and want to do all we can to change things for the better. Both for ourselves and others.
CONNECTION – Saying to ourselves – ‘Everyone experiences suffering. I am not alone’. Accepting that our life experience as humans is both imperfect and fallible. We all make mistakes and learn from them.
The next time you berate yourself over something you do… pause. Think about how you would respond toward a close friend in the same situation. What would you say and do to help soothe their pain? Then give those soothing words to yourself. Remind yourself that others have had similar experiences and that your pain is valid. Motivate your well-being with loving kindness rather than criticism and build the strengths of self-compassion along the way.
