Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

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All Good Things..

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As my husband and I prepared for our journey to the northern Tip of Australia neither of us had particular expectations of what the experience would hold. It was on my husband’s ‘Bucket List’ and that was enough to prompt us booking this small group tour of Cape York Peninsula.

For weeks leading up to our departure our spare bedroom looked like a makeshift wardrobe. The bed littered with relatively neat piles of clothing. Lighter clothing than what we were currently wearing in our Australian winter. T-shirts, shorts, hats and sunscreen, backpacks and walking shoes. The excitement was building as we added and subtracted pieces that we felt were needed. I pondered if I needed that many clothes. What was smart casual for dinner wear? Did I have enough Band-Aids if my feet blistered on tour?

Also packed with our luggage were proof of Covid Vaccination, RAT tests for Day 1 to provide evidence of our health and face masks for the plane flights. We were stepping into the reality of travel in Covid times.

Touching down in Cairns we were pleased to find our luggage had arrived with us. The current school holiday period in a majority of Australian states had meant airports were busy. Queensland destinations filling with holidaymakers. We settled into our accommodation at the ‘Shang’ (Shangri-La The Marina, Cairns), walked the Esplanade clearing our heads with fresh, non-aircraft air and enjoyed dinner in the hotel’s restaurant.

‘You must go on adventures to find out where you truly belong’

Sue Fitzmaurice

Midday the following day the tour bus arrived at our accommodation. There was an immediate sense of being held with a quiet, friendly confidence by our tour guides, Doug and Kate. This husband and wife team were one of five crews driving the Cape York Peninsula Tour with Outback Spirit. We soon learned that a tour was two days ahead of us, and one two days behind us. Each crew sharing valuable feedback on road conditions and weather with each other.

Our first stop was the up market tourist destination of Port Douglas. Five Star accommodation to ease us into travel. Along the way our bus detoured into the coastal hamlet of Palm Cove. An opportunity to stretch our legs and for Doug and Kate to assess the punctuality and personality of the tour members. They soon discovered that we functioned comfortably together, each well-travelled and valuing punctuality. Something that’s not always achieved with group travel.

Our next full day was an exploration of the Daintree National Park. This ancient rainforest is spectacular and uniquely diverse. Our indigenous guide, Tom, welcomed us to country before we took an informative rainforest walk. Later in the day we spotted crocodiles on a river cruise and walked a more remote section of the rainforest with guides Neil and Angie Hewett. Their passion, dedication and knowledge was astounding. A highlight was a close up encounter with a male cassowary and his two chicks. I’m not sure who was more intrigued – the cassowaries as they inquisitively ventured closer to us, or us with our mobile phone cameras at the ready. Thankfully it was a friendly, fleeting encounter.

Crossing the Daintree River, via ferry, the next day opened our vista to completely different surroundings. Fortunately the weather held out and we were able to travel the Bloomfield Track on our way to Cooktown. A roller coaster ride of incredible scenery, undulating dirt track and creek crossings. Thankfully we were able to sit back and let Doug do the driving.

The ‘Cape Crusaders’ we dubbed ourselves. Traversing remote National Parks, flying via helicopter over the pristine coastline of Princess Charlotte Bay, eating with the locals at outback pubs, telling jokes by the campfire at Moreton Telegraph Station and swimming together at Fruit Bat Falls. Consolidating our friendships with each other along the way.

The culmination of our trip was the short hike to the northern ‘Tip of Australia’. We had a beautiful day and with each other’s support made our way to lands edge. As we marveled at the beautiful scenery from this unique vantage point a rainbow appeared to signal the end of our mainland journey. Together we had made it, satisfied and enriched by our experience.

Rainbow over Cape York

When you look at a map of Australia the Cape York Peninsula covers a small area of its land. Yet the distance between Cairns and the tip of Australia at Bamaga is just shy of one thousand kilometres. It can be driven over several days but we took the leisurely route over two weeks. Experiencing a unique part of Australia. Rich in diverse landscape, culture, people and stories.

At times we had limited or no internet service. That didn’t phase us too much (once we accepted the reality) and it gave us permission to savour the experiences and deepen the connections we were making.

We’ve continued to keep in touch with each other. Something much easier to do in the era of social media and mobile phone messaging. We’ve shared photos and acknowledgement of arriving home safely to our everyday lives. While our travel experience invariably had to come to an end the friendships that have formed will go beyond our journey together.

As the saying goes …’ All good things must come to an end’. Yet this trip has left lasting memories to sustain us and invited more good things, including friendships, into our lives.

Flourishing in Later Life

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When you think of aging well, is your focus on maintaining a youthful appearance and physical vitality or does it mean much more to you? Susan Sands PhD in her recently published book The Inside Story describes three factors that research has demonstrated are vitally important to flourishing in later life. These include maintaining our social connections, finding meaning and purpose and cultivating wholesome emotions such as gratitude.

We are living longer. We’ve added thirty years of life expectancy over the past century and these years have all been added to the latter stage of our lives. We spend a longer period of time living beyond active parenting and paid work. This has created a meaning making challenge of deciding what we do with the additional years we have been gifted with.

Photo by Taylor Deas-Melesh on Unsplash

Prior to stepping into this phase of our lives we have been busy. Multi-tasking home, family and employment responsibilities. Striving to successfully raise children and mastering our professional careers. Paying off mortgages and staying on top of our bills.

‘We work like crazy during the middle stage so we can finally retire and do what we want’

Susan Sands

Yet our dilemma may be deciding the framework of these years. The people we desire to be and the life experiences we plan to have. Psychology professor, Laura Carstensen, describes a life-span theory of motivation that views aging as an increased opportunity to focus attention on emotionally meaningful goals and activities. It’s as if we finally realize the finite nature of our lives and decide to act accordingly.

She even suggests we take a much slower pathway through life. Using the first forty years to devote time to our education and apprenticeship to our careers so we can maintain a healthier balance in raising our families. This would allow people to devote more time to full time work later in life in the middle years. Eventually easing our workload to retire later in life if we choose. Even then, we can make valuable forms of contribution to those we come in contact with.

It will require society changing its view of aging to enable a more positive view. To value the gained wisdom and knowledge acquired by elders and ensure they are active contributors to the well-being of others. In turn, their personal happiness also increases.

‘Genuine happiness does not come from your life’s circumstances e.g. having the perfect family, job, good looks or wealth. Instead it is about who you are and what you do.’

Martin Seligman

How do we foster those qualities that help us age well?

Social Connection –

  • Once we reach midlife it is often a time of unravelling our lives and also our relationships. It can be a time where new friendships form as we move from being parents and workers to the next stage of our lives. Even if some of those roles remain, they often evolve. For example, working part time, consulting or volunteering with different organisations, becoming grandparents rather than parents. This is a time that some of us travel more or relocate. Each time meeting new people and naturally loosening the bonds with some of our previous connections. It’s important to deepen new relationships and also stay in touch or reconnect with some of our previous friends.
  • Transitioning to a new life stage may mean having periods of feeling isolated and lonely. Look for interesting activities to do. Choose some that provide regular social connections through the week. Others can be less frequent outings that you can anticipate with pleasure.
  • Fostering connections sometimes involves getting out of your comfort zone to ‘show up’ at social events or activities. Create opportunities to engage with others or join groups that interest you. Work out whether you are a person who prefers deep connection with one or a few others; or enjoy the energy and buzz of mingling in larger crowds. Honour this personal preference in the types and duration of interactions you plan.
  • It’s also important to balance social connection with time alone to pursue your creativity and interests. Now you can be less focused on the clock and more immersed in what you enjoy doing. Often these solo pursuits lead naturally to interactions with others who share the same interest.

Finding meaning and purpose

  • As humans, we gain deep meaning from the roles of raising children and through our work. It can be daunting to step away from these roles and to find new perspectives in regard to our purpose in the world.
  • Ikigai – The Japanese Secret of a Long and Happy Life written by Garcia and Miralles makes the strong connection between having a deep sense of purpose and contribution and living longer. We each need a reason to get up in the morning and where we may find it is in examining our personal qualities – what we are good at, those things we love – our passions and interests and what the world (or even our small slice of it) needs which can become our mission. Having the confidence to share our unique gifts with the world often opens up additional opportunities for connection and contribution.
  • Life will continue to challenge us and be stressful. This isn’t a negative thing as often the hurdles in life motivate our action and when we are not overwhelmed can contribute to our sense of vitality and self-reliance.

Cultivating Gratitude

  • Dr Rick Hanson suggests gratitude can be a daily practice of appreciating the ‘ordinary jewels’ of our everyday life. These can include the roof over our head, enough food to nourish our bodies and experiencing love and care in our relationships. We can be grateful for others who contribute to our physical and emotional well-being. Find ways to acknowledge and show your appreciation.
  • Gratitude is strongly linked to our sense of happiness. It also lifts our mood, increases life satisfaction and helps us build resilience. As we age, research has shown we also tend to become naturally happier. Perhaps part of this is being able to see a wider, more balanced view of life. With experience we can appreciate the sweet moments without denying or minimizing the bitter experiences endured. We see the life lessons and personal growth that may have occurred during our more difficult times.
  • Gratitude shifts our attention away from resentment, regret and guilt. Rather than focusing on either the ‘poor me’ or ‘those bad people’(blaming others) stories that ruminate in our brain we can pause and notice what we are saying to ourselves. It requires being in the present moment, basically accepting life as it is and asking instead ‘what should be done from now on’. It is impossible to go back and rewrite the past. Acceptance and finding courage to seek happiness going forward is a good strategy. Read more about this in the book The Courage to be Happy (Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga).
  • To reap the rewards of gratitude make it a regular practice. It is also important to delve more deeply into what we are grateful for. The first step is placing awareness and attention on a good fact about your life. Take it in with your senses and feel the natural emotional responses surrounding the thought. Notice the details and stay with the moment of appreciation for a while longer. Repeating this practice regularly will help the habit of gratitude grow in your life.
  • Gratitude is not just about ourselves. It should also be extended to feelings of happiness for the wonderful things in the lives of others. This helps us overcome jealousy and envy. Unhappiness and suffering come from comparing ourselves and our lives with others.
  • What may help is realizing we are only getting a glimpse into people’s lives. Others may seem fortunate, blessed with relationships or material possessions we don’t have. Yet we rarely know the challenges and pain they may also be facing. Much of what happens in our lives is the result of a vast network of causes which we have little influence over. Each of us are travelling along our own unique path in life. It’s helpful to shift the focus back to the things that are good in our own circumstances.

All of us, if we are fortunate, will inevitably age. Seeing aging as a wonderful gift of additional years can help us focus on doing the task well. It requires active steps to stay engaged with life and each other. To care for not only our physical needs but also our social and psychological needs. This will allow us to continue enjoying each day and to make valuable contributions to our world.

A Deep Sense of Mother Loss

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It’s been forty years since you left this earth. My mother, the cornerstone of my well-being. I experienced motherhood without you and continued to welcome another generation, our own grandchildren, to the family. You would think by now that the grief would soften yet it manages to surface when I least expect it.

Photo by Bonnie Kittle on Unsplash

Recently my husband’s family paid tribute to his mother and father who have both passed away. Their ashes scattered together in the waves beyond our favourite beach side Christmas gathering place. There is a history of years of connection with their children and grandchildren. Each one able to remember and to cherish particular memories of their Nan and Pop. To feel a sense of connection and love for each other. For my mother-in-law it has also been enough years to welcome great grandchildren into her family fold. To surround herself with her family, the proud matriarch. It was an emotional day for us all.

“As long as there is love there will be grief because grief is love’s natural continuation.”

Heidi Priebe

What the memorial triggered in me is a profound sense of lost opportunity for my own beautiful mum, Eileen. She never had the chance to meet her grandchildren and great grandchildren. To form a relationship or to even hold our children in her arms. There was no chance to create any memories between them. Now another generation of our family exist and they too have never met her.

I feel robbed and saddened by what has been lost from my original family. Little sense of intact relationships, times together and memories shared across multiple generations. It feels so painful I don’t think I will ever truly feel happiness and resolution about it in this lifetime. It just sucks right now.

I feel a keen sense to fill the matriarch void. To do the things my own mother was unable to achieve. Perhaps in a sense to make amends, to right the painful wrongs this circumstance has caused. It’s like a never ending hunger to heal the grief and loss of the previous generations.

I have a powerful longing to maintain relationships and memories with our children and grandchildren. To be honored, cherished and remembered as my mother in law has been. Creating a wealth of family history just like her, gathered over her eighty odd years. I hope I’m blessed to live that long.

It has seemed an impossible situation that we live away from our children and their families. A real second blow to add to my original grief. I have previously tried to sort it out by moving closer to our children and grandchildren. Yet to do that I had to leave my husband behind, a thousand kilometres away. It became messy and complicated. At times I felt like the meat in the middle of a sandwich where the bread stayed suspended in space. Both slices refusing to join me. It became an impossible choice between our marriage and staying closely connected to our family.

There continues to be no cohesion and resolution to my dilemma. I feel I live a nomadic life traversing between my two ‘worlds’. Perhaps forever to feel like the meat clinging to each slice of bread, one slice at a time, while gripping for dear life to stop sliding off. The grasp at times feels so tentative on both sides. I need my husband and children to inch their lives closer together.

I feel a real heaviness and sadness today that my mum, Eileen, never had the opportunity to meet her four grandchildren. To hold them in her arms as babies. To read to them, sing and play. To have heart to heart talks about life with them. That she couldn’t share in the joy and create memories as my sister and I became mothers. We both craved the advice and support only our own mum could give us. Eileen also didn’t get to meet her great grandchildren. What a gift it must be to live long enough to share this extra special joy.

I miss you mum. All the years we were robbed of. All the experiences we were unable to share together. Forever in my heart, even if memories of you become dimmer with the passing years.

If you need support in dealing with mother loss, check out the work of Hope Edelman and in Australia the Motherless Daughters Australia website and peer support group. Both provide invaluable resources and understanding about this journey.

I’m a Recovering ‘Super-Nurturer’.

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Let me start with a bit of backstory. My profession was as an early childhood teacher and alongside that I was a mother to two children. While that seems to be the lot of many women nowadays, juggling work and family responsibilities, when your work is also with children there is an added load. Particularly if those you interact with in your workday are a similar age to your own children.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

The Double Shift

I remember days when I would finish a challenging day of work feeling mentally, physically and emotionally drained. I would walk in the door ready to meet my own children. Each of them understandably wanting my physical attention with cuddles and play. This all happened just as my husband would come home from work and the balancing act of dinner, bath and bedtime routines began.

No wonder the early evening in households, particularly with young children, is called the ‘bewitching hour’. A time of multiple demands and the guilt of not being able to be fully present in the moment due to everyone’s tiredness. Yet the routine would be completed and we would slump down on the living room couch weary and energy depleted. The reality of the double shift that parents around the nation are doing every workday. There are things I wish I knew about parenthood.

“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.”

Barbara De Angelis

There was very little reprieve when our children were young as we were a transient family with my husband in the military. We had little respite from the role of parents as we didn’t have extended family nearby. I relied on formal care and neighbours for childcare while I worked so I didn’t feel comfortable asking my neighbours to take on additional care of our children during evenings or the weekend. Once they were both at school some of the load of nurturing reduced. The focus turned to before and after school routines, extracurricular activities and play dates. Thankfully at that point my husband changed jobs which gave our family more stability. We also moved closer to my extended family.

Enjoyment of the mother role amid a sense of loss

I enjoyed being a mother. As I look back on it I consider it the most important job I had – raising our children. During that time I took on the lions share of the nurturing responsibilities. With neither my mother nor grandmother alive I only had memories of how they nurtured me to fall back on. Luckily, particularly with my grandmother, I had strong emotional memories from my own childhood to draw upon.

Yet throughout my mothering role I mourned not having their presence for advice. To not have your own mother around to nurture and support you as a mother really hurts. I’m now part of a wonderful organization Motherless Daughters Australia. It has invaluable resources and peer support for those doing life’s journey without their mums.

When the job of parenting was complete I felt a sense of loss. I’d wrapped so much of my own identity around nurturing my own children, and the children of others, that I was unsure of who I was without that role. It took going through a time of grief and depression that I was able to emerge with more clarity around my sense of self and this next stage of life.

What did I learn about motherhood

  • To ask for and create space to rejuvenate from constant nurturing and to just be ‘me’. That during active motherhood I needed to give myself more priority. To allow time to follow my own interests and the things I love doing. To ask for support from others and to expect that I would receive it.
  • To communicate more with my partner so we could jointly come up with solutions that would alleviate some of the nurturing load. As I view the current generation of parents I’m reassured that there is more sharing of responsibilities both outside and inside the home. For previous generations the role models were much more traditional, based on only one person in the workforce while the other stayed at home. The strategies and role expectations needed to evolve once more women entered the workforce.
  • To finally nurture myself. To stop seeing my role as the constant nurturer always available to others. I learnt about establishing healthy boundaries around my expectations of others and what I’d do and wouldn’t do for them. I learnt to feel o.k. if others weren’t happy with this changed status quo and to step back from the need to please people. As a result some relationships evolved, others fell away. That was o.k. I was becoming more authentically me.
  • As I worked on creating boundaries and expectations I also increased my sense of self-worth. Yes I was a nurturer, a role I enjoyed, but I was also much more. Once I could see more facets of who I was my creativity and life satisfaction increased. I became a major advocate for my life decisions and my own preferences and choices.

I think I learnt the hard way. It took the experience and unique circumstances of my journey as a mother to realise that I had placed myself at the bottom of my list of priorities. I’m making up for it big time now. Truly making daily life choices that are authentic to me. Carving up lots of time to continually learn and share experiences with others.

If my journey inspires young mothers to create a sense of balance in their nurturing role I have done my job. For me, I can’t go back and rewrite parts of my motherhood role. It was another time, unique set of life circumstances and relationship dynamics. Most of it was lovely, it taught me so many life lessons along the way. Many of them I will now carry forward into the next chapter of my life.

November 2024
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