Decision making is fraught with uncertainty. Sometimes we impulsively use a spur of the moment whim to decide on a course of action. It just feels to us like a good idea at the time. Alternatively our decisions are made more consciously and calculated. We might weigh up the risks and benefits to statistically back up our thought process. It can be an arduous task of assessing competing priorities.
When I’ve been faced with decisions in my life that are more major, particularly if they impact others, I like to take the latter approach. Finding a good sized piece of paper, drawing a firm line down the centre and listing the pros and cons against each other. For some reason seeing the mental debate written in front of me helps to clear my mind and hopefully see things more objectively.
Yet I have recently come across another way at looking at the decisions we make. One based on tuning into the wisdom of our own body. It is described in the book ‘Wise Effort’ by psychologist Diana Hill PhD.
Take a moment to ponder the following question –
‘How many times have I said yes to something that my body said no to’.
If you are like most, if not all of us, the answer would be multiple times. Our body usually gives us clues to guide our decisions yet often we ignore them or even sometimes defiantly go against them. We feel the sensations in our gut, the heart wiggles, the held breath or the tight throat. Our thoughts turn to the ‘shoulds’ – the expectations we have of ourselves or that we feel come from others. It becomes hard to separate ourselves enough to stand within our own decision making space.
Yet when you notice those signs of inner resistance it’s important to get curious about what is going on. Why are they there? Is it because you are stuck in a story that belongs in your past. One of guilt, shame or sense of obligation. Have you become comfortable with the status quo that’s always existed, so you hold tightly to the expectation of more of the same. Or is your reaction avoidance, where you ignore the situation all together rather than open up and honestly examinine your thoughts and feelings.
Dr Hill suggests taking a Body Audit to help us clarify our decision making. We can do that by asking ourselves the following four questions.
- Is it a drain or gain at the body level?
- Does it align with my core values?
- Is saying yes to this decision using my unique genius? (The right decision that will continue with ease and flow as it uses my innate gifts and talents.)
- Is this a drain or gain on others?
Imagine this common scenario: – You become a grandmother and your children are keen for you to be a regular carer for their child, your grandchild, while they are working. You have thoroughly enjoyed being a mother, yet you also know how physically and emotionally demanding it can be to care for a small child for an extended period of time. You also know that you are not as young and energetic as you used to be. Yet you love your family and want to consider helping them in this way.
Taking a Body Audit
Energy and Commitment
It’s an important time to pause, centre yourself and give room to really consider this decision before saying yes. Go inward and imagine a day in the life of providing grandmother care. Is there a way that you can balance the joyful moments of connection with your grandchild with the sheer energy required. What is the reality likely to look like for you? What strategies can you put in place to plan and pace the day to reserve energy for your own body? Will you have another person there to share the load and provide physical support when needed? These are all valid questions to ask as you decide the level of your involvement.
What you Value
Think about your core values. You will want to embody them both at the time you make the decision and consistently afterwards. Perhaps you value service to your family, supporting them in this concrete way.
It may be helpful to take a wider view of your decision. Imagine in ten years time what the relationship with your family will look like. Can you see it as a close and connected one with your children and grandchildren. One that you will cherish and feel wonderful about. One that creates memories and will be remembered.
It’s also important to look at the wider picture of what brings you fulfilment and feeds your own passions. Does this decision sit comfortably alongside these priorities or are there potential conflicts that could arise? Will your decision resonate well with all you envisage of your life?
Your Gifts and Talents
Think about what you can bring to this grandparent role. We are all unique. Some are more active, others creative. Some like to cook or garden. Others just love to sing, dance or play a musical instrument. It becomes important to place your own personality and those things you enjoy at the centre of how you see this role. This gives ease and flow to the time spent together.
The Impact on Others
Saying yes to a new obligation or challenge doesn’t just impact yourself. It also has a flow on effect to the lives of others. Knowing that a grandchild is in the care of a loving family member can certainly ease the stress of balancing life for our adult children. Also consider whether the ‘yes’ means that you may have to say ‘no’ to others. Whether that’s time with your partner or friends or other areas of service in the wider community.
Once you have looked at a potential decision through these questions you’ll have a better idea of how to respond. Including taking into account your unique circumstances and the impact on both yourself and others. Dr Hill suggests that at least three of the four questions need an affirmative answer to give you the confidence to make a sound decision.
The use of a body audit when making decisions can be a valuable tool. The more you incorporate its four questions into any life choices you make, the more you’ll learn about yourself and your priorities. You’ll also become more curious about those inner signs that can guide your decision making process.
The body audit questions can also be a way to reassess a decision that has previously been made. Our life is continually changing and it’s important to remain flexible to examining whether previous decisions continue to be relevant to your current situation.
