The present moment is the only one that we truly exist in and can influence. Author and spiritual teacher Ekhart Tolle believes it’s one that we should grasp consciously with our awareness. To recognise life’s fragility and to focus on those things that are most important.
In this blog, I am introducing five practices that can anchor us in the present moment.
1. Radical Acceptance
Radical Acceptance simply means acknowledging our reality. We may not like how our life is turning out, yet once we come to a place of acceptance we are in the position to make changes and move forward. Alternatively, if our response is to struggle and reject reality, believing ‘this shouldn’t be happening to me’ and life is unfair, our emotional distress is heightened.
“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be” Sonia Ricotti.
Accepting the Past
When hurtful memories take hold they do so like a dog chewing a bone. Ruminating thoughts and emotions can create constant mind chatter.
At times when I have replayed the past I was confronted with the ‘what ifs’ or ‘what could I have done differently’. I kept second guessing my previous decisions and saw times where I may have possibly behaved differently or changed the trajectory of my life. I blamed myself for things that went wrong. Regret and shame are cruel mistresses.
To quieten my thoughts I used mindfulness, restorative yoga, and writing. Each practice took me out of my headspace and into my body and awareness. A soothing relief for the mind and a way to process emotional distress. I learnt to observe my thoughts and emotions rather than invest in them.
We all hold scars from our past. It is unhelpful to replay the scenarios over and over when we can’t change the story. The first part of radical acceptance is acknowledging the circumstances of the past. Appreciating that each element of past events has made us the person we are right now. We have a choice then of how we continue the story.
Surrendering to the present
The current moment is one of surrender. Acknowledging this is who I am and this is my life – the second act of radical acceptance. With it comes the ability to have gratitude and appreciation for the things that are in our life and determine the next step.
It requires us to give into an act of self-love that encompasses everything about who we are. To create healthy, compassionate boundaries and to step back from people pleasing habits that have become detrimental. These habits form in childhood when we discover that saying ‘yes’ to doing things for others earnt us praise. Patterns which are hard to break and we take them into our adult relationships, parenting style and workplaces. Even if our constant giving and putting others first causes us to feel a sense of resentment or overburden.
Having faith in the future
The final act of radical acceptance is the belief we can influence our future. The ability to manifest characteristics and circumstances that bring us joy. What an amazing thing it is to say – ‘I like the person I am and who I am becoming’. Having the ability to surround ourselves with nurturing relationships, experiences, and contributions we want to make. Each one reflecting the uniqueness of our personalities.
2. Gratitude
No matter what our current circumstances, gratitude is a powerful tool for our well-being. Gratitude shifts our attention away from resentment, regret, guilt and what is missing in our life. It focuses awareness on positive things that actually do exist. Simple facts such as having enough water to drink, the laughter of children, the kindness of others and the delightful smells and tastes from a nourishing meal… (and so much more).
Studies show that cultivating a simple gratitude practice has lasting and important benefits including lifting our mood, increasing life satisfaction and building our resilience to the inevitable challenges of life.
Sometimes we want to wait until we are in a better frame of mind before using a gratitude practice in our life. Yet it’s when life is the most challenging that being thankful for all the small things that are good can help us reframe our perspective.
I personally used a 52 Weeks of Gratitude journal during one of the most difficult years of my life, 2020. I was separated from my husband and not sure of my next step. Each week I filled it out and now it’s an important reminder of my journey to reflect back on.
This trusty journal kept me grounded and eventually helped me to be in the right space to make sound decisions about my life direction.
Questions that the journal prompted: –
- What I did to take care of myself that week.
- What made me happy.
- Important lessons I learnt.
- Goals I had for the next week.
- People I am thankful for.
- What challenged me during the week.
- Something kind I did for another.
And of course, a list of four things I was particularly grateful for that week.
I encourage you, especially if you are going through a challenging time in life, to try the practice of gratitude. It’s a powerful and positive step to ground you to what’s important in your life.
3. Finding Calm
If you imagine your mind as a snow globe, it can often feel agitated and busy. In this state, the snow globe particles, representing your thoughts, are being vigorously shaken and the globe is unclear and murky.
By giving attention to the state of your mind through slowing down and focusing on your breath or body sensations, all the particles can begin to settle. Gradually your mind feels calmer and clearer. You start to respond rather than react to the world around you.
It’s in that space of calmness and clarity that you’ve created the conditions to allow happiness in. It may be in the form of feeling a sense of inner peace or contentment. It mays also include a feeling of bittersweetness. A broader emotional response that contains both a sense of longing and sorrow alongside feeling joy and appreciation of life.
4. Practicing Mindfulness
‘Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally’ – Jon Kabat-Zinn.
I love this definition of mindfulness. It reminds us of the need to bring ourselves back to the present moment. We all know of times when our thoughts wander away from the ‘now’ to something we have experienced in the past or concerns we may have about the future.
We find ourselves unconsciously reinforcing and embellishing the story we tell. Mindfulness helps us to notice these inner thoughts without judging them right or wrong. Instead, we can gently bring our focus back to the present moment.
It’s also noticing body sensations, gut responses and emotions and labelling them. (This is actually the first part of giving ourselves self-compassion). Acknowledging the ‘ouch’ we feel when responding to life and the icky feeling that arises inside us. What are these bodily responses trying to tell us? Mindfulness is the deliberate practice. A skill or habit we can continually work on.
One of the ways to find present awareness is through meditation. If you have ever done sitting meditation, particularly in the beginning, it’s difficult to sit in the traditional posture. You know the one. Sitting upright, legs crossed, and eyes closed. It’s hard to maintain that posture for any length of time as in modern life we tend to sit in soft lounge chairs rather than crossed legged on the floor. It’s also tricky to have our eyes closed without drifting off to sleep or have them open and not get distracted by what’s happening around us.
In reality, the best posture for meditation is the one that allows you to be both relaxed and alert for an increased length of time. It may be sitting legs crossed or even with both legs straight out in front. You might use cushions to support parts of the body. You may need to alternate between having your eyes open and closed.
Meditation takes practice. Like any new habit it comes easy at first, but resistance tends to set in over time. As you persist a desire to include a meditation practice in your day gradually becomes second nature. Something you look forward to. Something you don’t want to miss.
5. Recognising your Needs
What are some of your current needs? Is it having time to yourself (even if it’s 30 minutes to have a shower or eat a leisurely meal), appreciation from others, feeling loved and accepted for who you are, receiving support and encouragement, fresh air and time in nature or having a listening ear to share life’s challenges. You might be craving interesting work or hobbies that make your life enjoyable and fun.
Our major psychological needs fall into three categories – autonomy, competence and relatedness. With autonomy we want to make decisions in our lives that affect us. Those might be related to our interests, preferences, wants and desires. We need to be able to make those decisions at our own pace and feel supported by others and respected for the particular choices we make.
Competence needs revolve around developing our skills and abilities. Having that feeling we can rise to a challenge successfully and feel satisfaction around completion of a task. Anyone who has found themselves immersed in something they enjoy and achieved a state of ‘flow’ (where time seems to stand still) knows the joy of competence. Attempting tasks that are neither too hard or too easy for us and receiving positive feedback about how we are doing help build our competence. We also need to learn to accept failure and then be willing to try again.
The other important need is around our sense of belonging and relatedness to others. We want to have warm, close, affectionate relationships with others. Connections with people who understand, accept and value us for who we are. We want relationships with others who really care for our well-being.
If we were to conjure up what makes a good day for us it would incorporate each of these psychological needs.