When I first heard of the Let Them Theory it felt counterintuitive. To hear those words ‘Let them’ to me assumed that I would let others get away with whatever they liked and stand by meekly and unresponsive with a smile on my face. I believed I would be giving away my own control and allowing others to do as they pleased. It just felt disempowering and weak. A stance where I would be emotionally stifled unable to express my anger, sadness or disappointment.
Yet it was only through my own experience of radical acceptance of a situation that became increasingly outside my control that the real power of those two small words ‘Let Them’ became apparent. Radical acceptance simply means acknowledging our reality just as it is. We may not like how others are behaving or the choices they are making yet once we come to a place of accepting our circumstances we are in the position to make changes for ourself and move forward.
Re-framing the situation with ‘let them’ allows us to move toward a powerful personal response of ‘Let me’. A place of self-care and love. A kinder response than struggling with and rejecting our current reality. We are biologically wired to want to control the circumstances of our life. It gives us a perceived sense of safety and security. Yet the most powerful ability to control a situation is in our personal responses and decisions.
Photo by Benjamin Williams on Unsplash
Seven years ago my husband and I were each experiencing our own midlife crisis. We were at an impasse in our long term marriage. For him, it was a stalemate of purpose after retiring and seeking to recover his younger desires and pursuits. For me it was a deep sadness, that I now recognise as grief, wrapped up in completely missing a sense of connection to my own roots and family connection. It impacted our relationship and while my husband firmly held to the current status quo, I was miserable. Life seemed to be about his choices with what felt like little empathy of what I was experiencing. In reality, he rightfully wasn’t going to change our life situation to suit me, so it was up to me to figure out mine.
I remember coming to a rather abrupt conclusion that I was the only one who could change my circumstances. While the solution meant my husband stayed in our home and community I stepped away from our rather comfortable existence to find my own answers. I ensured our finances were divided so the decisions we made moving forward would be personal ones. Joint accounts became individual accounts. I secured a 12 month lease on a rental property near our children and grandchildren. I packed up what belongings I wanted to take with me and organised a removal of furniture.
It was a bold and scary decision making process but it was also an empowering one, giving me a surprising sense of calm and peace around what the future would bring. I let go of any expectations of the future and focused on my own healing. What I didn’t know at the time was that this separation would be temporary. It eventually led to us rekindling our marriage as wiser, more contented and understanding partners. For us, it was like a marriage ‘sabbatical’. An opportunity to let our paths diverge for a while and then come back together. To each explore our own identity separate from each other.
As I have more recently reflected on this experience I can clearly see the wisdom of the ‘Let Them’ theory come into play. Each of us have a unique experience of life. As much as we want to control what we experience, that is not possible. We constantly come up against the personalities, differing viewpoints, passions and purpose of others. Some of that we can avoid and allow by distancing ourselves. At other times we get caught somewhere along a spectrum from mild frustration to downright conflict of opinion. The most difficult situations are around those we are close to and love.
By simply reframing a situation mentally with the words ‘Let Them’ it’s possible to find a sense of inner peace. It allows us to give back ownership of behaviour and life choices to others rather than trying to control or change them. By distancing ourselves from knee jerk reactions we get to see the wider situation more clearly. It is then possible to decide our own course of action.
At first I thought the ‘Let Them’ stance was weak, yet on reflection it’s a powerful one. It’s one where we accept what cannot be changed in life and others. Then we get to choose our own response whether that’s distancing, setting a personal boundary or making a personal decision based on reality rather than how we would like things to be.
