At any given point in our lives we can find ourselves asking the question – What Do I Need Right Now? The answer to that question changes over time. What we really needed in our childhood and adolescence can be vastly different to our needs as adults, parents and then as we age. Even from day to day, what we need in any given moment can change depending on our energy level, mood and surroundings.
When we are aware of and acknowledge our own needs we come closer to activating the motivation to address them. This is not always easy in our busy and challenging lives. Often women put the needs of others before their own and attach their life purpose, self -worth and value to helping others. Whether its their children, partners, friends, family or co-workers.
Yes, it’s good to be kind and loving to others, but that kindness also needs to be turned inward toward ourselves in a balanced way. Otherwise, we end up feeling burnout and resentful. It’s important that we include ourselves in our circle of compassion and need provision.
Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash
Recognising our Needs
So what are some of your current needs? Is it having time to yourself (even if it’s 30 minutes to have a shower or eat a leisurely meal), appreciation from others, feeling loved and accepted for who you are, receiving support and encouragement, fresh air and time in nature or having a listening ear to share life’s challenges. You might be craving interesting work or hobbies that make your life enjoyable and fun.
Our major psychological needs fall into three categories – autonomy, competence and relatedness. With autonomy we want to make decisions in our lives that affect us. Those might be related to our interests, preferences, wants and desires. We need to be able to make those decisions at our own pace and feel supported by others and respected for the particular choices we make.
Competence needs revolve around developing our skills and abilities. Having that feeling we can rise to a challenge successfully and feel satisfaction around completion of a task. Anyone who has found themselves immersed in something they enjoy and achieved a state of ‘flow’ (where time seems to stand still) knows the joy of competence. Attempting tasks that are neither too hard or too easy for us and receiving positive feedback about how we are doing help build our competence. We also need to learn to accept failure and then be willing to try again.
The other important need is around our sense of belonging and relatedness to others. We want to have warm, close, affectionate relationships with others. Connections with people who understand, accept and value us for who we are. We want relationships with others who really care for our well-being.
If we were to conjure up what makes a good day for us it would incorporate each of these psychological needs.
Competing Needs with those of Others
There are times in our lives when the needs of others take priority over our own. This is obvious when we bring a newborn into our family or a loved one is struggling with illness. In parenting we can get lost in the endless tasks of maintaining a home and family while often also having ongoing work commitments. In later years it can be the competing interests and desires of couples who want to make the most of the precious years they have left to live.
When our own needs go unmet or have a lower priority than others it impacts our wellbeing. One of the first principles of self-compassion is to acknowledge that our own needs matter, that we need to take them seriously and value ourselves enough to ensure we meet them.
It may require some soul searching and really asking ourselves the question – What do I need? This can be done on a regular basis to ensure we are caring for ourselves, particularly at times of change and challenge in our lives.
‘If we’re kind to ourselves, we’ll do what it takes to be happy. We’ll ask what meaningfully contributes to our well-being and then take proactive steps to make it happen.’
Kristen Neff. PhD
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Advocating for our own Needs
Being a woman in the 21st century has numerous challenges. It seems almost impossible to combine the multiple roles we take on. The self-imposed aim for perfectionism in everything we do has to instead give way to allowing ourselves to feel ‘good enough’ in what we achieve. We also need to create healthy boundaries around what we do and don’t do in our daily lives. Asking what truly matters to us and prioritizing that. Feeling comfortable enough to disappoint those around us when we decline invitations or requests from others that require us to take on more than we can handle at the time.
It’s also important to enlist others to support us more. We can have deeper conversations with our partners around traditional gender and cultural stereotyping of roles and responsibilities. Our children will also rise to the occasion if our expectations of them are higher.
Nate and Kaley Klemp in their book ‘The 80/80 Marriage’ examine a new model for happier and stronger relationships. Beyond both the traditional gender roles in partnerships and the more recent aim for 50/50 shared responsibility they look to a more equitable and sustaining model.
Their five essential habits of an 80/80 partnership
- Creating space for connection
- Doing a radically generous act for your partner each day and paying close attention to your partner’s acts of contribution and appreciating them for their work.
- Revealing issues, misunderstandings and resentments as they arise.
- Building structures together to handle the logistics of life more skilfully. Sharing the load of household and family responsibilities.
- Creating space away from digital distractions. Discussing expectations around device use.
‘Before looking something up or checking your phone, ask yourself, ‘Do I really need to know this, right now? You may be surprised to find the answer is generally no.’
Nate and Kaley Klemp
Identifying and advocating for what we need is an act of self-compassion and crucial for our well being. When life overwhelms us it can be an opportunity to pause from what we are doing and ask the simple question – What do I need right now?
Listen intuitively for the answer as it may take a while to surface. Then take the time to honour your needs in that moment. It may require a small tweak in your routine or reflection on more significant changes to your habits, boundaries or priorities.