So much of our personal identity rests on the question – Who am I? We begin exploring that question early in life. A baby explores their surroundings from infancy and uses the information gathered from their own enquiry and interactions with others to form a sense of themselves.
It’s fascinating to watch an infant’s interaction with their self-image in a mirror. Often they are quizzically checking a few times. Turning the mirror or walking behind it to see who is there. Making gestures or facial expressions that they notice are reflected back to them from this magical picture. Usually there is a moment of delighted recognition when they realize they are seeing themselves as a reflection. ‘This is me; I exist, these are features of who I am’ dawns on them. They become aware of a sense of themselves as separate to others. This is an important milestone in developing their independence and social awareness that they are part of a world that does not solely revolve around them. A sense that others can be in the mirror too, and they are also real people separate to me.
Photo by Shot By Ireland on Unsplash
As we develop from infancy to adulthood our self-image is refined by our environment. This includes our interactions with others and the experiences we have. It’s like an ever widening sphere of influence that works both ways. We interact and influence the world around us and in turn our world impacts our beliefs about who we are. Technology and social media have played a big role in widening the sphere of influence on us in the 21st century.
Changes and disorder events in our lives are common. These transitional times of order, disorder then reordering to something new; often impact our sense of self. We build a strong sense of identity during teenage and young adulthood, creating our own unique style while also being influenced by our peers. This is then met at adulthood by the challenges of fitting into a work team of different personalities, negotiating intimate relationships and friendships and losing our strong hold on our identity in parenting. Fast forward to middle age and we begin to unravel the mastery we have in our careers as we leave our professions behind and detach from active parenting as our children empty nest. Our identity goes through further evolution.
Each of these changes can challenge our core sense of who we are. We’ve invested years, or even decades, in a particular way of viewing ourselves and that belief is then questioned big time. The outer work of building a career, possibly family, and place in the world starts to be replaced with a more inner journey of self-recognition.
Brad Stulberg in his book Master of Change likens this ego shift as one that moves from craving so much external validation from the world – through our work, family responsibilities and roles, to prioritizing internal meaning and fulfillment. Loevinger’s stages of ego development leaves some of the richest life lessons we experience until our later years – developing a deep empathy, self-acceptance and cherishing of the person we are. Not so much the one we’ve previously cultivated and projected into the world.
Which of these mindsets around self are you struggling with at present?
- Who am I if I begin to live in an intimate relationship with someone else – learning to navigate each other’s needs and priorities, sharing resources and spaces. Not always thinking of ourselves first. Also considering the other person. Knowing ourselves well enough to advocate for our needs and create healthy boundaries.
- Who am I if I become a mother or father – a shift that definitely changes our identity and life priorities. An emotional, lifelong and continually evolving journey. Beginning with the ultimate responsibility for a child who relies totally on us and to one who is greatly influenced by us during their development to adulthood.
- Who am I if I am no longer a son/daughter/wife/husband – produces a sense of loss of a part of us whether that person is still living or we are experiencing the grief of their loss in death.
- Who am I if I no longer work in my career – often bringing with it a mixed bag of both relief and emptiness of purpose. Our profession comes with a complex sense of identity and skillset so when we leave a job or career we leave that identity and the attached knowledge and relationships behind. This can leave a noticeable void in our lives.
- Who am I if I am no longer actively parenting – parenting is such an emotional and physical investment of our time and energy. As this phase of life draws to a close it’s difficult to unravel our energies from that of our children as they seek independence.
- Who am I if I am no longer young, energetic and beautiful – we can stumble at identifying with aging as it inevitably occurs. Dealing with limitations, physical changes and our sense of desirability to others. Coping and ultimately accepting physical decline and immortality.
Perhaps rather than limiting our enquiry to concerns about losing our identity, we can ask a more positive question. Who can I be if I am no longer …. Single, childless, a particular family role, working, an active parent or in the prime of my youth? With a more fluid sense of self we can be more complex in our viewpoint and response to these questions.
As a result, when changes happen in our lives we feel less threatened. One part of who we are may be loosening from our identity, yet there is opportunity to embrace or expand into something new. The core parts of ourselves remain central to who we are, yet we can use them as springboards for our next life chapter.
Even when we can no longer contribute to the wider world, we can continue to brighten other’s days. Several years ago I volunteered to visit an elderly woman in a high dependency aged care facility. Even though she had become bedridden due to aging and injury she continued to offer time and conversation to those who visited her room. She dispersed pearls of wisdom and encouragement. She displayed patience and gratitude. She shared stories and memories from her life.
Outwardly her identity seemed to have shrunk, yet she made valuable contributions to others. I saw her adjust over time to her frailty. It wasn’t easy for her to accept. Yet she continually reframed her sense of self until her final days. She was a wonderful inspiration and teacher on living life among her changing circumstances.
Life is a journey from infancy to hopefully living to old age. During that time our sense of self constantly shifts. We take on new identities and loosen our hold on others. With a complex and fluid sense of who we are it is possible to navigate life’s changes with courage rather than trepidation. Asking ourselves who we can be in our next transformation rather than limiting ourselves to mourning our past selves.