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Visiting The Grandchildren

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While other grandmothers live in close proximity to their grandchildren that hasn’t been my story. We live in a coastal community one thousand kilometres (or around six hundred miles) from our grandchildren. I know that’s not far in comparison to some who are all the way across the country or overseas. Yet the one thing we share in common is the stretches of time between seeing our adult children and their families. Particularly in the early years of grandchildren’s lives it can mean missing milestones, building sporadic relationships and feeling an occasional yearning for a role we are unable to fulfill as a hands on grandparent.

Sometimes I wish I lived closer and previously that is exactly what I did. Moving myself and my life to be present in theirs. I’m glad I did at the time as it met a deep yearning within me. Now our relationship has evolved to a comfortable level where I plan trips to be with each family regularly during the year.

Photo by Kevin Gent on Unsplash

Our grandchildren are older now. My daughter has three girls who are journeying through teenage years. They are young independent ladies who know I am there and drift in and out, as teenagers do, on my visits. My son has our two younger grandchildren. They stay more engaged and connected on my visits. I love to hear their conversations and marvel at how their young minds ‘tick’. They are funny, energetic and at times in conflict with each other. They show their emotions on their sleeves and heartbreak in their bodies if they are physically or emotionally hurt. Young children show such an openness and vulnerability that we as adults have learnt to suppress. If only occasionally we allowed ourselves the same level of expression when our lives become overwhelming.

Simple moments with your grandchildren often become the most priceless memories.

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I have been bemused by a few comments since arriving for my visit. They’ve made me think about how I am perceived personally and in my role as grandmother.

  • I have been asked ‘how long are you home for?’ when I have lived in a different location for the past twenty years. It’s bemusing to sense that others perceive my persona as one that continues to exist in the town I grew up in, rather than the physical one I currently live in with my husband. Sometimes those well-meaning comments surprise me as they come from those who’ve visited our actual home. In a sense my gypsy nature can view home as being where my heart is, taking it along with me on my visits. Yet more and more I identify with my physical home as my sanctuary and sense of groundedness for me. It is too unsettling otherwise. This allows me to comfortably wander in and out of my children’s and grandchildren’s lives alongside the experience of my own life journey.
  • I have been asked ‘have you been babysitting?  This also makes me pause for thought. Although my grandchildren range in age I don’t see any of them as babies. They are young, vivacious and independent beings in their own right. While the younger ones may need more hands on guidance with selfcare or play I see myself as an observer, encourager and teacher. It’s so lovely to be in conversation with them. At times to fill in gaps in their history that widen their view. For example, Miss Six was bemoaning the additional time her younger brother would get with dad and grandparents while she was at school. I was able to help her see those previous times, before her brother was around, where she had the luxury of unshared time with these people. I had been able to care for her alongside her Nonna when she was younger. A luxury her brother wasn’t experiencing now.
  • I have been asked ‘have you come alone? This seems like a loaded question and I’m unsure how to respond without first checking in within myself. While my husband and I enjoy our rather carefree existence together, we are two quite different people. Our interests and priorities can differ and there are times when it’s important for one of us to venture independently. I enjoy visiting cultural and music events in cities, whereas my husband enjoys car racing and sporting events. I need more opportunities to spend time with our children and grandchildren while the priority is lower for my husband. We have made a point of having enough financial independence to follow both our personal and joint choices.
  • I have been asked ‘When are you returning? Often the answer is uncertain. Visiting revolves around best timing for everyone’s work, school and family activities. There are also finances to consider. Two flights or two days driving with an overnight stay adds up. We know that it’s not possible to be in each other’s lives on a regular basis. Consequently, these visits are cherished and involve more intense connection. The trick is to focus on the time gifted. To notice the little things. To have deeper conversations as we know the moments together are precious. We also know life is continually changing. Our grandchildren are growing up. The older ones are starting to visit us independently of their parents and who knows if they move closer for study or work in the future.

Being grandparents who live away from their family is challenging. The intergenerational networks are harder to maintain, yet not impossible. Instead they need to be more consciously planned. Both while we are apart and also when those face to face visits occur. The logistics will be unique depending on our individual circumstances. It’s important to accept the present situation, as much as possible, and find novel ways to keep the connection alive.

If you are a grandparent living away from your children and grandchildren what strategies do you use for communicating and connecting with them? What isn’t easy?

Share your comments below.

Encore Living

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Not too many readers would know that my first foray into writing was a small blog called Encore Living. It predates my current blog, Healing the Matriarch, which has allowed me to reminisce over my life experience, particularly as a mother. Healing the Matriarch has also helped me to process and heal from past painful experiences and face my grief over early mother loss.

In Encore Living I began writing about my experience of early retirement and anticipating the ‘what next’ of my life adventure. At the time my husband and I were definitely in the honeymoon period that surfaced once our schedules loosened and we were no longer structuring our lives around our professional careers. We travelled extensively, creating wonderful new memories and renovated our home as our ‘forever home’. There was lots happening mentally and physically to sustain us.

Little did we know that at some point in this journey we would slow down and find ourselves grappling with our changed identity and a distinct lack of purpose or vocation. At times, daily life felt like an echo chamber of nothingness. As a result, our relationships and emotional health suffered.

The Encore Living Phase of Life

The words Encore Living typify for me the time we reach after the Main Act of our lives. A time to slow the pace and step back from our previous busy life of juggling family and work responsibilities.

When I picture it, I imagine how it feels at the end of a wonderful live stage performance. A lull forms over the audience as everyone realizes the experience has come to an end. Then there is a growing anticipation of the encore to follow. Often the audience begins to join a collective chorus of claps and shouts as excitement builds. Each individual wondering what best known pieces will be played. As the performers come back on stage, just as anticipated, the offerings of an encore are the juicy best parts of their repertoire.

‘Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength’

Betty Friedan

The encore phase of our lives is often referred to as the third stage. A time for transition, adjustment and settling into our older selves. Bringing with it more authenticity, vulnerability and wisdom. It is usually a time where we have a greater choice in how we spend our time and the activities we engage in. Our diaries and calendars are more fluid giving the opportunity to make both anticipated and spur of the moment plans. Many of us have travel on our minds and ‘bucket list’ items to cross off. There is an increased awareness of the preciousness of the additional days of living we are gifted with. Yet we are also keenly aware that our mental and physical health may change in an instant and require a major adjustment.

Meaningful Connection

Earlier connections in our lives often revolved around our family, friends and workplaces. We naturally bumped into one another in the course of the day. The rhythm of this social stimulation helped to meet one of our basic human needs – belonging and knowing we matter to others. We had roles and responsibilities that bound us. They also gave us a framework and purpose for our daily lives.

Connections take on a slightly different form as we step into the encore years. They are more deliberately chosen interactions and there is often more time for deeper conversation as life slows a little. We get to know others better and hear where each of us are vulnerable. At this time there may be changes to where we live and new communities to integrate into. This can be challenging initially as we can feel a bit lost in a new space having to form new friendships and create new routines. My advice is to be kind to yourself. Allow time to slowly reconnect and even feel a sense of ‘home’ in your new place. Spend time trying a few activities that appeal to you. If they don’t, keep exploring until you have a sense of how you want your week to flow. Be open to new friendships and social invitations.

Family connections take on increased meaning. Time with grandchildren is precious, and so too is time with aging parents. Gathering family together and travelling to spend time with them can become a priority. Desires to create lasting memories while we can become important.

Vocation – more than our work.

Previously we lived rather set identities. The encore years can herald a reimagining and reinvention of our passions and interests. Whether it’s a physical activity that we found hard to fit into our daily lives or a creative activity that we can immerse in, new pursuits can enhance our lives. It’s often not surprising that these activities come from things we previously loved doing, perhaps even way back in our childhood or adolescence.

For me, writing was something that came from my journalling. I found that putting pen to paper, or fingers to the keyboard allowed me to make sense of my lived experience. I also found myself back at university in my fifties studying a post-graduate course in psychology. This was out of interest and feeling the need to find something to stimulate my mind. It certainly achieved that and also had the benefit of connecting me with other women in a local study group. While I didn’t pursue psychology beyond study as a second career, the knowledge increased my appetite for reading and courses in the area. That accumulated knowledge and observation has translated into the blogs I have written to date.

Once my children were young adults and my career as a teacher came to an end, I felt a nurturing gap within me. Slowly a widened purpose has emerged directed toward nurturing and supporting women, mothers and young children in our community. Its possible that the core element of our professional lives can lead to fulfilling post work pursuits. It may be with animals, the natural environment, advocacy on social issues or supporting people at particular stages in their lives. For my husband, it has been a culmination of each of his multiple careers to drive his current involvement in a sport he loves. It has combined his analytical, mechanical and computer skills in a wonderful synergy.

Well-being

The journey through Menopause is gaining greater recognition and awareness.  It’s a transition that impacts a large percentage of our population at any one time and the variety of symptoms experienced can impact our quality of life. Thankfully more research has been done and information on Women’s Health is now more prominent and accessible. Each women’s journey is unique. For some it is more about physical symptoms, for others it can take an emotional toll. A wholistic approach that looks at nutrition, exercise, sleep and self-care can support this transition.

Factors in exceptional longevity, living well to the years beyond the age of 85, have also received increasing research. Physical factors are important including regular exercise, eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep and avoiding smoking and excessive alcohol consumption. Having a positive and optimistic outlook on life is also intimately related to living longer.

To age well involves a wholistic approach which looks at both the mind and the body. It’s important in establishing any wellness practice to take it slowly and do it in an enjoyable way. This helps to sustain and motivate you to continue long-term. Another important factor is to ‘mix it up’ occasionally with variety and novelty to challenge the mind and body with new movement or eating patterns.

Research has also increasingly focused on the world’s Blue Zones. These are areas where more of the population are living longer, with active and purposeful lives. Environment and diet are playing their part. Having a sense of purpose throughout life is crucial to longevity. The Japanese call it Ikagai – finding the intersection between what we love doing, what we are good at, what we can get paid for and what our world needs. In that space lies the habits and mindset to live our best lives.

The Encore Years of our life are an incredible opportunity for enjoyment and continued meaning. The transition from the most active years of our life may feel at times bumpy, just as our path from childhood to adulthood had its own challenges. Yet numerous invitations await. The chance to live with increased meaning, doing more of what we love, setting our own pace and focusing on our personal well-being. Embrace these precious years and make the most of them.

Empowered Women Empower Women

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I really enjoy my Sundays. I see it as my self-care day. A time to nurture my body with a relaxing bath and pamper. Perhaps read a book or listen to an informative podcast. Ponder the week’s theme and schedule discussion posts for the Healing the Matriarch Community Private Facebook Group. It’s also an opportunity to check my diary for what’s planned for the coming week.

If I am at home, I also love to head to our nearby beach to meet up with a local women’s group – Port Macquarie Women Connect. Our logo depicts our beautiful coastal environment. Our motto, which signifies our group’s purpose, is ‘Empowered Women’. The full affirmation is ‘Empowered Women, Empower Women”. The first part speaks to the group as ‘empowered’ women and describes both the emerging and present characteristics of each individual and collectively what we are striving for as a group. The second part ‘empower’ women is a call to our purpose and the actions that surround it.  

We gather to support each other’s connection needs, mental health and overall well-being. I tell these women that I adore our group. It meets all of these core needs and is a diverse cross-section of our community. There are women of different ages, life stages and backgrounds. Each woman has her own life experiences that can be shared within the group. There is no pressure to attend each week or to contribute in any detail as we walk alongside each other or sit together afterwards.

Footprints of Connection

Early morning we meet and briefly introduce ourselves by name. After an acknowledgement to country the group wanders down onto the sand and individuals begin chatting with each other. Small groups of women naturally form as we walk and talk along the beach until finally we reach our designated turning point. Once there, a joyous group photo is taken and then we walk back to our starting point to have a coffee and chat near the surf club. Our group is becoming known within our community. Observers notice the picnic rugs, upturned crates for seats and scattered cushions that signify our makeshift shared space. We have a sign and flag to identify who we are.

As the sister group of the local men’s group Self Seen, we’ve formed a special yet distinctly separate partnership to support our local communities. In addition to the weekly beach walks there is a monthly Women’s Night, women’s retreats and also informal get togethers for dinners, movie nights and other social outings. Each meetup gives an opportunity to become both individually empowered and collectively empower each other.

Women – love each other, support each other, defend each other. It comes at a greater cost to attack the women around you than it does to empower them

Caitlin Stasey.

So what does Empowerment mean?

To understand the essence of the group requires a deeper delving into the meaning of empowerment. The Oxford dictionary definition is ‘the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling our life and advocating for ourselves’. It is also about getting the support we need from others to feel respected and heard. To feel a real sense of true belonging in our connection with ourselves, in our close relationships, when we are part of social groups and finally more broadly in the community we live in.

Where do we start with feeling empowered?

Feeling a sense of empowerment begins within ourselves. It is not until we understand our own identity and unique needs that we can connect fully with others.

It’s being happy in our own skin at whatever time of life we find ourselves. Accepting our strengths and challenges as part of who we are. Creating healthy invisible boundaries around ourselves that honour our own priorities and needs. Taking the time to pause and consider the myriad of options before us – activities to be involved in, connections to foster or maintain, commitments to prioritize. Seeing each of them through the lens of benefit to ourselves or part of our current personal priority.

It also about being self-focused, without being self-centred. Honouring our own self-care – physically, emotionally and mentally. Giving ourselves self-compassion when we are struggling with life. Building self-confidence and belief we are valuable and have a place within each of our connections.

Empowerment is also about building strong, authentic connections between people. Respecting other’s perspectives and stories as they share them with us. Keeping details of conversations confidential to build each other’s trust. Taking the time to observe and listen equally as much as we talk. Knowing that much of our communication is not spoken. It’s observed in the other person’s body gestures and posture.

In life, we begin this empowerment journey by continually knowing ourselves. Our personalities, priorities, likes and dislikes, what drives our passion and purpose. Knowledge is powerful and it’s a lifelong education.

Empowering ourselves is also foundational for really connecting with others. Radiating our influence in widening circles from primary relationships such as with our partner, family and close social circle outward to our acquaintances and wider community. As each of us feels more personally empowered we become more capable of empowering and supporting others. Equally, belonging to a positively empowered group of women helps to nurture each of us individually.

10 Things to Let Go of in Your Life

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Change is always happening. From the moment we and others are born we are growing and evolving as humans. We look at our children and treasure the tiny features of them as newborns. Before we know it they become walking, talking independent beings. Leaving our side to venture to school each day. Learning about life and creating unique perspectives and ideas. Eventually they are ready to launch into the world and our relationship to them changes once more. It becomes one of stepping back so they can make their own life choices and inevitable mistakes. They know where to find us if they need us. It’s up to us to evolve beyond parenthood.

Positive Psychologist, Rick Hanson, encourages us to Let be, Let go and Let in as we observe our attitude to change. The ‘Letting Be’ requires us to view life as it is right now with acceptance. Seeing it as our complex, imperfect reality. Observing rather than judging each part of the whole. Perhaps taking pleasure in what we have accomplished so far and letting feelings of gratitude rise to the surface.

With acceptance of life as it is, it’s possible to begin to ‘Let Go’ of what no longer serves us or hinders our momentum to move forward. This will allow us to ‘Let in’ the new. It is good to reminisce about our past, honouring any grief or discomfort we may feel or regrets we might have about past actions or decisions. Yet at some point we need to examine if our thoughts are healthy. Ponder these questions.

  • Do you feel a strong attachment to the past?
  • When change is unexpected or unwelcomed does it lead you to feel anxious, resentful or frustrated?
  • Do you find yourself ruminating over situations playing them over and over in your mind?

If so, it may be time to begin to let go of focusing on the past and begin to embrace what lies ahead.

Photo by Fineas Gavre on Unsplash

What are some things you can let go of to help you move forward?

Wanting your life to be different

Life is filled with choices and ‘sliding door’ moments. Each time we move in a particular direction the alternative generally fades into the background. We tend to continue on a path based on our previous choices. Sometimes circumstances are beyond our control and the life situations we find ourselves in are not of our own doing. Either way there can be times in our life when we become frustrated with the consequences of our choices. Feeling regret around decisions and seeing how they have impacted our lives.

It’s possible to have a certain amount of agency in moving forward. We probably made a previous choice based on what we knew at the time. Hindsight, the ability to look back on past decisions with more clarity, is a wonderful thing. It can also help us refine the way we make our current and future decisions. Better informed and with added experience to guide us. Hindsight can also let us see how an alternate path has evolved. Perhaps it has provided an even better outcome than we originally expected.

You can read more here – I Wish Life was Different

Debilitating Grief

Grief is a natural part of the impermanent nature of life and our subsequent feeling of loss. At times it can be overwhelming. It can also remain unexpressed and unresolved if we shut down our emotions and distract ourselves with life. At times it can feel impossible to move forward and life reminds us with triggers of what we have lost, particularly on anniversaries and dates we associate with that person or animal we are grieving. If grief becomes overwhelming it is best to seek professional help for support to allow you to process your thoughts and emotions. A certain amount of grief remains to be lived with, yet hopefully it softens over time and is integrated into our lives.

Past Hurts

Other people can overtly or accidentally hurt us. They may say or do things that cause us angst and upset. Unresolved it becomes quite easy for us to hold a grudge against the person and ruminate about the situation playing it over and over in our mind. This can lead to distancing from the person and lack of forgiveness.

Yet forgiving others for past transgressions is surprisingly the way to overcome our own hurt. It often is forgiveness and release that we privately make with ourselves. Knowing that it is painful to hold onto the hurt feelings over an extended time. Eventually we may restore our relationship with the person or alternatively find that we move on without any further contact. Either way we are letting go of our emotional tie to the situation.

You can read more here – Forgiveness Sets You Free

Judgement – of yourself and others

Judging yourself can lead to self-belief that you are ‘not good enough’. Noticing your faults rather than your good qualities. Comparing yourself to others. ‘I am not pretty enough’, ‘I am not smart enough’ and the list goes on. The antidote is to accept yourself for who you are. Having self-compassion and self-love through the attitudes you display towards yourself. It is so much easier to accept, rather than judge others, when you see yourself as a loved, imperfect yet authentic person. You can allow others the grace to also be themselves.

Past mistakes

As you look back on your past are there things you would have done differently? Are there interactions or conversations that hurt others, choices that weren’t in your best interest. In life, we can’t go back and repair situations that happened at the time. All we can do is learn from these situations. Sometimes there is the opportunity to restore a broken relationship, ask for forgiveness or even resolve to do better next time. Let go of guilt or shame associated with any past mistakes, acknowledge your part and forgive yourself.

If you could erase all the mistakes of your past, you would also erase all the wisdom of your present.

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Perfection

Jana Firestone in her book ‘Embracing Change’ explains perfectionism as a tendency to set particularly high expectations of ourselves. As a result we have highly critical beliefs about our self and how others perceive us. We find it difficult to accept criticism, make mistakes and adapt to change. Perfectionism can also lead to endless procrastination as we can fear the self-judged quality of our results.

The way to let go of perfectionism can be through acceptance of who we are and realize we are continually changing. Its important to like ourselves at each stage of life. It’s also important to present ourselves and our ideas to others just as they are. Allowing ourselves to falter and make mistakes. To have the courage to be vulnerable in front of others. In doing so we project the vital lesson that life is to be lived – imperfectly and flawed.

Roles and Responsibilities

Throughout our lives our roles and responsibilities to others keep evolving. We can be attached to the purposefulness and identity we receive in the tasks we do in our homes and the wider world. Yet our children grow up and we have less parental responsibility. We may also care for dying loved ones and the task comes to an end. Our paid work roles provide us with an income, a status and meaningful use of our time and energy. Yet at some stage in our lives we step back from our careers. They become less of our focus or discontinue altogether.

It can be challenging finding purpose and direction as a result. Once we can let go of the importance we have previously placed on these roles it is possible to step back and observe who we are in a more holistic way. The Japanese notion of Ikagai can be useful in helping refocus on finding your purpose, nurturing your friendships and seeking out your passions. Your Ikagai can be found at the intersection of exploring what you love doing, what you are good at, what the world needs and if required what you can get paid for. The book Ikagai – ‘The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life’ by Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles is a good starting point to explore this concept.

Busyness

Life can be busy and our days filled with competing responsibilities. While busyness makes us feel productive and useful, it can also create stress and overwhelm as we see a multitude of tasks half done. Keeping our minds and bodies busy can also distract us from tackling emotional issues and resolving problems.

The key to busyness is to find balance. Stephen R. Covey in his book ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ speaks about learning to prioritize those things that are important and require our attention. These are the things to do first. If you have lots of competing tasks create a ‘To Do’ list based on their importance and urgency. Focusing on one task at a time to completion leads to a sense of satisfaction. Also take time in your day to relax and just be. Read, listen to music or get out in nature. This helps you to recharge your body and mind.

Preconceived Ideas

Each time we observe others, listen to opinions and take in information we do so from our own unique perspective. We’ve built this knowledge over our life time observing and absorbing the ideas we grew up with and layering these with perspectives we gather as adults.  Often anything new is tested against our previous beliefs. This is called confirmation bias.

By remaining open and loosening our tightly held beliefs about the world it is easier to embrace new or conflicting information. We can also build empathy for those different to ourselves. If we remain open to new possibilities in our own future, potentially more opportunities can present themselves.

Worry about the Future

It’s possible to plan and put things in place for our future yet our lives are lived in the present moment. Worrying about the future takes up valuable energy that can be used on action toward things as they arise each day. It’s better to be at peace with your current situation, whatever that is. By maintaining this acceptance you can open yourself to opportunities available to you in the next moment. You can also more fully experience and appreciate life. Taking in the good of your present experience.

You can read more here – Radically Accepting Life

Focusing on our past can hinder us living firmly in the present and embracing the future. Are there things that you need to let go of in your own life? Perhaps it is time to examine these more closely and look for ways to resolve any negative issues that you identify.

May 2025
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