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The importance of Sleep

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Good quality sleep is such a crucial part of our wellbeing. Have you noticed it’s one of the first things to go as our adrenal glands become fatigued, as we enter midlife and as our hormonal balance begins to shift?

Heading to bed only to watch the ceiling, or our sleeping partner, unable to calm our body and brain. Even if we fall asleep straight away, sleep is lighter and more easily disturbed. We stir back into consciousness and the usual trip to the bathroom.

We grew up with wonderful fairy tales of sleeping princesses, believed in the notion that we could ‘sleep like a baby’ (from experience we know that’s rather removed from the truth). As women we live in a fast paced, modern world. If we allow it, we are hooked to technology and more connected than ever. Filling our schedules with a multitude of roles and responsibilities.

It’s a world that is more suitable for men. Our feminine cyclical nature requires a more nurturing flow. No wonder that when we crave sleep, it can become elusive.

Photo by Jopopz Tallorin on Unsplash

Without a good night’s sleep, we wake up feeling tired rather than energized. Unable to concentrate properly, which leads us to forget things and make mistakes. We can feel irritable rather than have a sense of peace and calm. Research also suggests that lack of sleep is related to weight gain, depressed immune system and psychological depression. Sleep loss becomes a roller coaster of cause and effect.

Sleep is especially important in the second half of life – ‘the holy grail’ for a lot of menopausal women.’

Susan Willson, Making Sense of Menopause.

Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, has a lot to do with our sleep quality. When our cortisol level remains high at bedtime it’s difficult for us to switch off, relax and fall asleep.

Cortisol is normally high when we get up in the morning. Priming us for what we have planned for the day. There’s a steep drop around noon (hence the feeling of needing an afternoon nap). We regain energy into the evening. Then our lowest levels of cortisol come between 10.00 – 10.30pm encouraging our body toward sleep.

What causes our cortisol levels to remain high at night?

  • Staying up later than the body’s natural signal for sleep.
  • Screen time. Watching T.V and other devices. Both overstimulate the brain and cause the cortisol level to rise.
  • The stresses of normal day to day modern life. The mental and physical fatigue of a busy day. Replaying the ‘dramas’ and conversations of the day as our head hits the pillow.

Creating calm bedtime rituals gives the body a signal to slow down for sleep. Here are some suggestions:-

  • Lighter, nutritious meals eaten earlier in the evening.
  • Allowing a minimum of 30 minutes between T.V/devices and bedtime. (One hour is even better).
  • Taking a shower, reading a book, yoga, quiet meditation or drinking a calming tea.
  • Dimming lights, bedding suited to the temperature and fresh air from open windows if available.
  • Going with your body’s natural craving for sleep even if it means an early bedtime. Slowly bringing your current bedtime back toward 10.00 – 10.30pm.

Getting quality sleep is important for women. It’s an anchor for how we cope with the transition through menopause and beyond. Honouring your own needs during the day and creating evening rituals prior to bedtime help to encourage a restful night’s sleep.

Being on Time Matters

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During our working and parenting days life typically ran to a tight and busy schedule. Once this framework of commitments falls away many of us continue to crave the contentment of a steady, replacement schedule. Our diaries and phone calendars fill with catch ups with friends, appointments, fitness or creative activities, trips away and jobs around our homes. Although it can feel more fluid, having a schedule in later life remains just as important for our well-being.

Lately I’ve felt the need to speak from my heart about the topic of punctuality. I have a wonderful activity that I both benefit greatly from and enjoy connecting with the other participants. The angst I’m having is with the lateness of the commencement of classes. I would be fine with it if it was a one off situation, due to an unforeseen emergency. That would be understandable. Unfortunately in this case it has become problematic.

Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash

Why is it important to be on time?

Punctuality impacts everyone’s day

In some sense we all create a schedule for our days. Taking time and energy, even if it’s only just in our mind, to ensure that our activities flow and are achievable. When we have a framework it helps us get the most out of our time.

Our planning takes into account more than the actual time for the activity. Other circumstances need to be considered – such as what we wear, what we take with us, and our travel time to its location. Preparation is key to arriving well in time for the commencement of an activity. Time for set up, catching our own thoughts and moving to a sense of calm and readiness. Greeting each other and feeling present and ready to start. Commencing on time also allows participants to relax, enjoy and fully benefit from the activity.

When activities begin late it impacts both our personal experience and also that of others. If the day starts with an adjustment of our schedule it seems to continue through the day. Time wasted due to lateness can mushroom out to create a wider impact.

‘A single lateness can truly have a domino effect on others’ schedules and the people with which they interact’

Rashelle Isip (The Order Expert’s Guide to Time Management)

Tip: Always put in a ‘time cushion’ in case of unforeseen delays. Look to arrive at least five minutes before the planned commencement if you are a participant. Even earlier if you are leading an activity.

It shows respect for others’ time

Each participant in an activity is important. When punctuality is an issue those who arrive on time become disadvantaged rather than respected. They are left waiting around for others to arrive and in the process can become increasingly frustrated and annoyed. For those who rely heavily on an ordered routine, perhaps due to autism or a developmental delay, it can be particularly challenging to process.

When someone is late it communicates a lot. It tells others that they think their time and what they do with it is more important. Inadvertently saying to others ‘I don’t care about you or your schedule’. It can also show others their unreliability and disorganization. Not a particularly good reputation to foster.

People may be reluctant to voice their irritation but the consequence may be to create distance from the person or withdraw from the activity altogether. Both solutions are unhelpful for sustaining positive connection and the benefits from participating. At least an apology for tardiness shows a sense of awareness of the issue. It’s more important to repair and focus on creating a habit of consistent punctuality in the future.

Being on time shows a level of care towards those attending and wishing not to inconvenience them. It also increases the level of trust between people and helps establish a reputation for being a person others can rely on.

Tip: Create a habit of being more conscious of time. Take regular glances at the clock to ensure you are flowing efficiently from one activity to another. Working backwards from a commencement time to realistically gauge how long ‘getting ready and getting there’ will take is a good strategy. Use all the technology available to plan time and distance.

It impacts our mood

When you are always rushing from A to B your ability to make decisions and be present in the moment suffers. Being late can be stressful. Making you less focused and more prone to distraction and mistakes. Giving yourself ample time to arrive at an activity helps you to feel calm and composed. Prepared and ready to both enjoy and gain the activity’s benefits. For those around you punctuality helps create harmonious relationships. Everyone enjoys and gets the most out of what is planned and delivered.

Tip: Make life calmer by being well prepared. Have all you need to take with you accessible and together. Knowing where everything you need is helps to avoid stressful, quick exits from home to activities.

The etiquette rule of being on time remains a valuable one. It benefits not only ourselves but also those around us. It allows us to plan our days effectively and to show respect for the time and presence of others.

 When lateness becomes an issue it can cause tension and angst between us. For those who are habitually late it creates an unenviable reputation.  One which may not be voiced to them but shows up as distancing and disconnection.

Our Bittersweet Lives

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Often in life we prefer to focus on the highlights – when we land an amazing job, fall in love, give birth to our precious children, travel to far off places. When we meet people these highlights are the things we are eager to share with them. Our accomplishments and ‘Instagram’ worthy experiences feed our ego and give us a sense that we are truly living our lives.

Alongside these highlights sit our stories of loss and separation, sadness and pain. They too are the baseline experiences of life. We may see these times as deviations from what ‘should’ be happening. Hiding from expressing them with each other, feeling shame and confusion within. At times believing we are alone in our personal suffering.

Photo by Krists Luhaers on Unsplash

‘We are all flying high in some ways and falling flat on our faces in others. Nobody has it all figured out’

Amy Weatherly

Yet the bitter and the sweet sit alongside each other. Both types of experiences and the meshing of them together allow us to reach some of the very highest states of our human existence – awe, joy, wonder, love, meaning and creativity. Our life is rich and far from dull and pleasantly vanilla.

A bittersweet realization

My husband has reached the age his father passed away. Several days ago was the exact amount of time his dad had lived his earthly life. As my husband shared this milestone with me we realized the bittersweet nature of this awareness. My husband is fit and healthy for his age and really stepping into some of the life experiences he is passionate about. For his father some of the experiences we now look forward to were not to be part of his life. We realized he had not met any of his great grandchildren (our grandchildren), spent more years with his life partner or attained any more of his lifetime dreams.

If you have lost a parent, particularly of the same gender, you can probably relate. It’s the weird sense of inhabiting a body that corresponds with the final year and months of life of someone you were deeply connected to. Finding it unimaginable that the vibrancy you feel in your own body held decline within theirs. For me that experience was more than a decade ago as I lost my mother when she was in her early fifties. That year in my life became a real turning point in prompting my own reflection.

Awareness of life’s impermanence also has a bittersweet aspect to it. There is a sense of deep gratitude that we are living beyond the death age of our same gender parents. Having the ability to experience more of life into the future. No longer taking for granted the additional birthdays we can celebrate.

It was interesting for us to compare the possibilities for living to midlife compared to the experience of adding several more decades and living into our eighties or beyond. Particularly the potential of seeing more life change and welcoming new generations into our family. We realized we had been gifted with the ability to write a longer life story than our parents.

‘The love you lost, or the love you wished for and never had: That love exists eternally. It shifts its shape, but it’s always there. The task is to recognize it in its new form.’

Susan Cain

Our lives have a truly unexpected quality. Some of our deepest and most painful moments can also be some of our most meaningful. They can help us appreciate life, support each other more and motivate us to prioritize those things we most cherish. Having a sense of the bittersweet nature of life also provides us with pathways to heal from our own traumatic past experiences.

Finding Ourselves in our Stories

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Words are powerful yet they are only a small part of our communication with others. The tone with which we speak shares our emotions. The perspective of what we have to say shows the processing of our internal thoughts. Our body language – facial expressions, posture, gestures and eye movement, can support what we are saying or convey an entirely different message altogether.

The words we express are only part of our internal dialogue. At times we find it hard to find just the ‘right’ words to express our opinions, thoughts and feelings. When we do, our words can be misconstrued by the recipient.  It’s not an easy task to communicate effectively with others.

Yet communication is a powerful tool. For learning, confidence, connection, reflection and healing. I’m using my previous blog posts to explore this topic. Hopefully you will find a few strategies and insights to ponder. If you wish to read further there are links below to the full blogs.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

The Power of our own Life Story

By the time we reach the third trimester of life, a term defined by author of Smart, Stupid & Sixty Nigel Marsh, much has happened. There are a myriad of experiences to draw meaning from. Lessons learnt from both the good and the bad, the expected and the ones we didn’t see come from ‘left field’. We may feel our story is unimportant or fairly mundane yet in reflection we have the opportunity to explore its richness and find wisdom that’s valuable for both ourselves and others.

Methodically thinking back over parts of our lives can allow for reflection and healing. From the present day perspective it is possible to see past events within a bigger framework of life as a whole. There is the possibility for acceptance and forgiveness for what we remember. Its also possible to see how a particular incident has impacted our lives over time. Even where trauma has been involved, the potential for growth is more likely than us remaining unable to move forward in our lives. (Linda Graham – Resilience expert and author of Bouncing Back).

My own journey of reflection has allowed me to find my voice and gain powerful insight on past events and their impact. My tool of choice has been to write my thoughts within the framework of a blog. There are also other creative means such as poetry, song writing, podcasting, memoir and journalling.

Read more ….

Finding my voice

The Power of our Story

“Humans are the only species that share stories. We’d be lost without them. With them, we find ourselves.”

Barbara Fulton Singer/Actor (Come from Away).

The Courage to Speak Up

Communication is easy when we agree with the views of the other person. We can reinforce each other’s perspective and feel a real sense of connection. The difficulty comes when we see life differently to someone else. In a sense our stories about life collide.

It takes a level of determination and courage to express our own unique point of view. To delve into disagreement rather than maintain an uncomfortable peace. A healthy level of conflict can help clear the air and open up increased respect for the differing needs and perspectives of each other. Its opposite can lead to giving and receiving silent treatment from others. Something detrimental to relationships if left unchecked. Read more in this article by Bernard Golden Ph.D.

Important conversations require some careful planning. Its important to first clarify your own viewpoint. Introduce the possibility of a conversation. You could start with ‘I’ve been thinking about … lately. Do you mind if we set aside a time to chat about it? This gives the other person time to reflect on their own thoughts on the subject. When you’ve created a space for the discussion take your time as things can feel emotionally uncomfortable. It’s also important to avoid distractions.

We can go through life sitting on the sidelines. Feeling our opinions are not valuable or appreciated by others. Increasingly feeling our needs and priorities remain unmet. It takes confidence to find our voice, particularly if we put the fear of how others will react before our own need for expression. Imagine the possibilities of being vulnerable enough to share your opinions more openly. Being your best advocate and the reward of finding your deeper, more authentic, and less censored sense of self.

Read more ….

Sharing our version of the story

Having difficult Conversations

Failing to Speak up in Life

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.’

Neale Donald Walsch

Using Emotional Intelligence when we communicate

During our lives we are developing knowledge about our world. Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage our own emotions and those of the people around us. When someone has a high degree of emotional intelligence: – they know what they are feeling, what their emotions mean and how they affect others. There is a rich awareness in their story about life.

The skill set for emotional intelligence includes self-awareness, self-management of our own emotions, empathy for others and sound relationships (the heart skills of inspiring and motivating others and effectively managing conflict).

Emotional Intelligence can be improved on with effort and understanding. It is a work in progress, as skills such as conflict resolution may always remain difficult for us in our professional and personal lives.

Read more …

Communicating with Emotional Intelligence

Leaving a Legacy through our words and stories

When we type words on our devices they have a uniformity. We can choose a particular font to use yet it is not uniquely ours. One thing that is often treasured by others is our handwritten messages to them. Stored within birthday cards, thank you notes and tried and true recipes. They reflect a personal sense of that person deliberately putting pen to paper in their own particular style. When our loved ones are gone they are tangible evidence of their previous existence. I’ve accumulated a special collection of handwritten examples from family members who are no longer alive. I hope to do the same for my own family.

Another thing to ponder is how others will remember your life. From experience I know how difficult it is to write the eulogy of a family member for their funeral. It makes sense to keep a written recollection of particular memories while you are still alive to aid your loved ones in the writing of your own eulogy. Funny stories, things you loved doing, memorable occasions, ways you contributed, can all be included. Also think about meaningful ways you wish to be remembered – favourite songs, verse and special photos that depict your unique life.

In that way your own story transcends your physical presence. You collate the highlights for yourself and allow space for your loved ones to expand the story with their own reflections.

Read more …

The Handwritten Note.

Writing Yourself Home.

Our life story continually evolves. Over time we add new chapters and revisit previous ones with more clarity. As we interact with others our stories become refined.

There are opportunities along the way for us to record our stories through a range of creative means. Collating our recollections in tangible ways. Finding ourselves in those stories and choosing those reminders of us that will remain beyond our physical existence.

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