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What You Yearn For

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Yearning is a powerful sensation. It incorporates what we long for, crave and desire in this lifetime. In many ways it limits us, as we don’t feel completely satisfied with where we are in any given moment. In other ways, it is a major motivator for striving for what we believe is truly important to us.

“Tell me what you yearn for and I will tell you who you are. We are what we reach for, the idealized image that drives our wanderings”

James Hillman

So what do you yearn for?

  • Is it the sense of feeling safe and at peace with your relationships and surroundings?
  • Is it longing for a sense of deep life satisfaction? The ability to be authentically yourself and to pursue those things that really matter to you.
  • Is it feeling a sense of being loved and deeply connected to others.

These by-products of our basic needs – for safety, satisfaction and connection, are shared by a most of us. They make us feel a sense of calm and contentment. They make life worth living and give us purpose. When met, they soothe our mind and body.

We come into this world completely dependent on others to supply these basic needs. To feed, clothe, comfort and engage with us. Over time we acquire inner resources and recognize strategies to meet these needs for ourselves. Not in perfect ways, but in ways that we hope move us closer to our ‘idealized’ expectation of life. The gap between what we perceive as our current reality and our desires is where our yearning resides.

Photo by Cornelia Ng on Unsplash

For women, midlife and menopause are opportunities to reassess their lives. It’s a natural transition where in a sense we are becoming different ‘beings’. Our hormones and bodies are changing. Our worldly priorities are also evolving. It almost feels like the cycle of caterpillar to butterfly where we transform the notion of who we are. A midlife reset.

It is not an easy one as we become increasingly aware of the reality of aging and our impermanence. Previously we could ignore the obvious signs in our busy lives. But sooner or later we are confronted with ourselves in the mirror. The ‘fork in the road’ moment of denial or acceptance of who we are. That doesn’t mean not striving for well-lived years ahead and maintaining our health and well-being. What it may mean though is adjusting to enjoying life in different ways. Mindful of balancing our energy and activity. Making sure we maintain good nutritional and sleep habits.

Midlife is also a time to take stock of what we believe about ourselves. Susan Willson in her book Making Sense of Menopause provides some wonderful wisdom and questions to ponder. She speaks of the analogy of a ‘string of pearls’ where each bead is a story we believe and talk to others about our lives. Often these particular stories of the past are repeated and become a solid part of our sense of identity. Yet what if we had chosen different past stories to focus and identify with? Perhaps we would also have a different sense of our current self. Her thought provoking questions about what has informed our ‘life story’ are insightful work.

I recently did her ‘string of pearls’ exercise and found many of the beliefs I had about my own life were either no longer relevant or previously could have been replaced with alternate views. While it wasn’t an easy exercise it did give me a wonderful awareness that I could, in a sense, refresh my life story. Knowing that gave me a beautiful sense of control of my current view of myself and my life. It also helped me to crystallise what was still important and purposeful looking ahead.

What we yearn for in life is where our emotional work is. To examine and if needed discard what is no longer relevant and know we can re-write beliefs we may have carried for a long time. We can string a new set of pearls to represent our life. Time is precious and knowing authentically who we are allows us to choose the path ahead with more assurance and certainty.

Give me Peace

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Three of our basic needs in this life are safety, life satisfaction and connection (Dr Rick Hanson, Foundations of Well-Being). Our need for safety is the most important as it has a long evolutionary history that pre-dates us as humans. It also becomes our default if it is not being met. Not much else counts until we can feel a level of safety, comfort and inner peace in our lives.

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

The ‘safety’ structures of the brain sit the closest to its base and our spinal cord. This gives the safety system a freeway like, basically automated, passage to transfer signals between our brain and body. It’s a strong connection. We have all felt at some time the tingling sensations of fear, the pang of a broken heart or the churning of a nervous stomach.

Our brain is continually scanning for threats. Many of them so subtle and unconscious that we are unaware that we are both giving them off to others or receiving them internally ourselves. Our sense of danger in the modern world often comes from social cues such as indifference, criticism, rejection or disrespect. We pick up the subtle, or not so subtle, body language and tone of voice of others and make quick interpretations of what we believe is true. As a result, we continually build up impressions of others, favorable and unfavorable, that influence our ability for love and connection – another of our basic needs.

I have recently had the uncomfortable situation of triggering strong emotions in someone else. While I felt I was going about my day as normally as possible I kept looking for cues that this obviously distressed person needed my support. I was feeling uncomfortable and out of my depth and in response mistakenly distanced myself from them. They interpreted my behaviour as indifference and uncaring. I am not surprised going over the day’s happenings. I was functioning in my own world, as we all often are, quite oblivious to the needs of others.

Yet for this person the inner turmoil was also brewing as inner anger. All they needed was my physical touch as a hug or a listening ear to hear their distress. Something I failed to see and more importantly failed to respond to before it escalated. We have since talked and I’ve apologised.

“We believe that our thoughts and emotions are reasonable responses to some solid outside reality. Lesson number one is that there’s no unified, single reality out there.”

Ruby Wax – A Mindfulness Guide for Survival

Due to the subtlety of our influence on others we are going to continually, in at least minor ways, trigger them. We’ll get interactions wrong and cause them to feel uncomfortable and unsafe around us. It is the challenge of being human. We are all unique, so what we think, feel and react to will also be unique.

Is there ways you can feel safer and help others feel safer in your presence?

Communication is key: –

Recognising that you are feeling triggered is a signal to explore and express your feelings. For some people this is possible in the moment. For others, who need time to process the inner sensations and find the words to express themselves, it may take longer. Always keep the conversation open if the hurt is still present.

Try to refer to how you are feeling using ‘I’ statements. Take pauses where needed and allow silence for each person to process what has been said. Practice really listening to the other person’s words and body language rather than focusing on what you plan to say next. Avoid shaming or blaming the other person. It is likely they have little awareness of the effect their actions have had on you.

Practice Self Care: –

When triggered by others or even digesting the impact of hurting others continue to look after yourself. Give yourself loving kindness for any emotions that arise. Know that being human is difficult and we are all capable of being hurt and hurting others.  Retreat if you need to and look for healthy ways to soothe, nurture and calm your mind and body.

Express Your emotions: –

Everyone is different. Some need to talk to other people to make sense of their inner thoughts and sensations. Others prefer to write things down. One method to use is writing free flowing words, straight from your head onto a piece of paper. Even if they seem to make no sense, they are better out of your head and external to your body. Burning or tearing up the paper is a helpful and cathartic action if you don’t want to be constantly reminded of what you’ve written. If you receive hurtful words from others you are allowed to acknowledge and dispose of them in the same ways as those you write to yourself.

Emotions can also be expressed and released by body movement and voice. Actively shifting body energy through moving is healing. Humming and singing relieves stress and even yelling into the open spaces is powerful and cathartic for releasing anger safely.

Create healthy boundaries: –

Sometimes the kindest way to deal with emotional triggers is to maintain a distance. It may be temporary or you may decide to move away from the relationship all together for your own mental health and well-being. If relationships are to be maintained and thrive respect and clear expectations are important. They are key to sustaining healthy ongoing connections with others.

As a baby, the ‘vehicle’ or means of helping us feel safe is our primary caregiver. Usually that is our parents. We are relying on them to supply all of our basic needs. The older we get the more we experience life and find our own inner resources to deal with situations that trigger our need for safety. In a sense we become responsible for finding our own inner peace.

We will never get it perfect either for ourselves or in our relationships with others. In accepting this, realizing that we are each doing the best we can at the time, we go a long way to achieving that peace.

Dealing with Life’s Challenges

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There are probably many ways we can face and overcome difficulties in our lives. What approach is useful to mindfully navigate life’s upsets and move forward? One approach I am exploring at the moment is the Garden of the Mind analogy of positive psychologist, Dr Rick Hanson. He refers to the mind as a garden to both be admired and tended to.

Photo by Mike Erskine on Unsplash

When we first view the beauty in a garden it is with admiration for the sights, sounds and smells that inhabit there. If it’s our own garden we are also obliged to tend to the garden – to pull up the weeds and plant new blooms. These parts of the analogy are respectively labelled ‘letting go’ and ‘letting in’. Our mind, just like a garden, is a dynamic organism. Ever changing and evolving.

The primary stance we need to take with our mind is to ‘let it be’. To be comfortable and capable with what we find there. This is no easy task. Often if we are not okay with how life is in the present moment we are less likely to accept our reality. To resist it, to place our own interpretations and stories as layers over reality in order to alleviate the pain we feel inside. Some of that pain is associated with our regrets. For example, regretting missed opportunities in our past to create stability in our present life, hurtful past words or actions, not keeping in touch with others and failing to be bold enough to follow our dreams. Consequently, the life we see in front of us doesn’t live up to our expectations.

Yet I’ve found with acceptance of all that life currently is, relishing the positive and acknowledging the ‘good, bad and the ugly’ of it all, something wonderful happens. A state of calm and sense of release becomes possible. There is an ability to see our life for what it is and accept it fully.

Strategies towards acceptance – observing our lives.

Imagine you are in a movie theatre watching the story of your life. If you are sitting close to the screen it feels emotionally charged and in your face. What if you figuratively relocate within the ‘movie theatre’ to sit more comfortably twenty rows back. Now you have a more removed, wider perspective of the action. It becomes possible to observe what’s happening in your life without feeling constantly hijacked by the action and enmeshed in the dialogue.

Once you are more removed and observant it’s possible to examine your life as it is. I personally resonate with The Work by Byron Katie. She uses a series of questions to examine the truths we believe about our lives. As we verbalize what we believe is happening in a situation it is possible to pause and ask the question… Is it actually true? That’s an insightful mindful pause in our mental dialogue. Then the thought is then turned around to include ourselves. Often what we believe and say about other people is really our own internal struggle and personal work.

The things that others say about us may also not really be about us at all. Often it is a reflection of their own inner dialogue. If in the heat of conflict we can pause and distance ourselves emotionally, it’s possible to view what might be happening behind the conversation. In doing so, it is easier not to take things personally and opens the door to our compassion, love, empathy and understanding for the other person.

The strategies above can go a long way to allowing us to let go of negative mind matter – the weeds in the garden. To loosen the hidden anger, anxiety, worry and ruminating over situations. To slowly bring us out of unhelpful story lines our mind has created about our lives, ourselves and others.

Letting in the Good

Thankfully now we have created room to bring in a more positive mindset. The weeds in the garden of the mind have been pulled out. Some of them were tough and determined to stay. Once we have space for new blooms it’s important to cultivate and nurture positive experiences. These are often more fleeting and need us to pay more conscious attention to them.

So when we find ourselves in an enjoyable experience or enriching interaction with someone it’s important to notice and savour it fully. Stay with it as long as possible. Use your senses to intensify the sensations so it pervades your mind. Look for what is fresh, new and novel and ensure it is personally relevant. Each of these factors will help you absorb the experience more fully and integrate it into your mind and body.

Life will continue to give us challenges. Using tools of mindfulness can allow us to improve our capacity to respond in ways that serve our well-being. In mindfulness we find strategies that allow us to pause within our everyday lives. To observe and appreciate our life as it is, to work on letting go of what doesn’t serve us and to bring in more of the good into the ‘Garden of our Mind’.

5 Ways to think about Mindfulness

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The concept of mindfulness has gained popularity in the 21st Century. Our distracting, demanding and often over stimulated lives have made us less able to function successfully on a daily basis. Although mindfulness has ancient Buddhist roots, it is equally applicable today. Recent neuroscientific research on brain development and behaviour has given us more insight into the mechanism and benefits of mindfulness.

Through this research we now know that the neuroplasticity occurs continually and subtly within our brain throughout life. Changes in the way we think impact our brain’s structure. Reinforcing and strengthening neural connections that are already there and stimulating new ones. Repeated patterns of activity have the ability to change the neural structure and function. So with focused attention on mindfulness we have the potential to rewire our brain for the better. That’s both exciting and comforting to know.

Photo by Thomas Millot on Unsplash

So what is mindfulness?

The most common definition is sustained, present moment awareness that is neutral and non-judgmental. It can be focused inwardly to our thoughts, emotions and sensations. It can also be outwardly focused on our interactions with others in the world around us. We don’t stop to be mindful, but rather incorporate it into our everyday lives.

‘Mindfulness is the capacity to be present where we are. To see it with clarity and a sense of graciousness. Without judgement or without wanting to change it.’

Jack Cornfield

To describe it further, here are five ways to think about mindfulness

1. It’s a way to wholeness – connecting body and mind.

Have you ever been so busy and distracted that you barely take in your surroundings. You know you are moving about but you have little sense of where your body is in space. Living life on autopilot. Often times you are deep in thought, navigating life from the neck up. Planning your next move or dissecting an interaction or memory from the past.

Body awareness practices such as scanning and methodically relaxing parts of your body or deliberately grounding your steps while walking help to integrate your body with your mind. Giving your brain and body’s nervous system a sense of connectedness.

2. It’s a way of being in this world:

Mindfulness can be incorporated into our everyday personal routines. For example, when we are eating, cleaning our teeth or brushing our hair. Focusing on the senses and savouring the experience allows us to be more focused and attentive.

We can also use mindfulness in our interactions in the world. Rather than being reactive to what others do and say, we can observe and acknowledge their emotions and our bodily responses for what they are. Then we have the potential to give ourselves breathing space and separateness to act with empathy and loving kindness.

‘To sustain mindfulness and stay present in what arises, it helps to find refuge’.

Dr Rick Hanson

I like the idea of finding refuge. A comforting, nurturing and protected physical or mental space to be drawn back into when we need it. It can also be a space to come out of so we can navigate the world from a calm base. The refuge we choose can be a particular person, a group of people who support and care about us, an activity, practice, idea, teaching or wisdom we live by. It becomes part of who we are as we move mindfully through our lives.

3. It trains our attention

We have evolved to be skittish. To scan our environments for multiple possibilities of danger in order to survive. While that worked well for us when hunting and gathering among the beasts it has a more debilitating effect on us in our modern lives. Although we all have different attention spans, a common problem is being easily distracted, environmentally stressed and finding it difficult to focus on one task at a time.

For more active bodies it may be helpful to incorporate movements such as yoga, tai chi or slow dance movements before settling into mindfulness and meditation activities. For those with a more active mind, a loving-kindness meditation where you bring to mind 10-15 people one after the other or creating a gratitude list can be useful tasks.

4. It helps us deal with trauma

Whether its physical or mental pain that we are dealing with, focusing directly on the pain or trauma is difficult. What can be helpful is firstly to focus away from the pain toward a foundation of well-being. One where you feel a sense of safety and belonging. Bringing to mind those who’ve cared for and nurtured you. Keeping in the forefront of your mind the good experiences in your life. Then slowly go into the trauma. After a while saying, ‘that is enough for now’ allowing yourself to leave it in place, while you continue with life and nurturing your well-being again. By making this a gradual and mindful process it’s possible to build emotional strength to deal with what arises.

With physical pain we can acknowledge its presence. Soothing and calming ourselves as if we were responding to a crying baby. Giving this loving awareness may help to soften the physical sensations, thoughts and emotions.

5. It is the gateway to positive qualities.

We need more than mindfulness. Having awareness is one thing but we also need a way to deal with what arises in the mind. It takes effort to be both mindfully aware and live practically in the world. A world where we have schedules and expectations to pay our bills and fill various roles. Yet in reality we are much more than our bank account balance or rigid notion of our identity. We have the potential to expand who we are and be less reactive to what happens to us. With mindful awareness we can build positive qualities such as confidence, ease, graciousness, joy, well-being, modesty, flexibility and clarity.

The next time you catch yourself in a distracted or reactive mode take a mindful pause. Take several deep breaths and notice what’s happening with your body. Feel where your feet meet the ground and tune into the sights and sounds around you. Each small moment of focused awareness is being registered in your brain. Ongoing practice will bring lasting benefits from being more mindful.

February 2022
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