Decision making is fraught with uncertainty. Sometimes we impulsively use a spur of the moment whim to decide on a course of action. It just feels to us like a good idea at the time. Alternatively our decisions are made more consciously and calculated. We might weigh up the risks and benefits to statistically back up our thought process. It can be an arduous task of assessing competing priorities.
When I’m faced with decisions in my life that are more major, particularly if they impact others, I like to take the latter approach. Finding a good sized piece of paper, drawing a firm line down the centre and listing the pros and cons against each other. For some reason seeing the mental debate written in front of me helps to keep my mind clearer and hopefully more objective.
Several years ago I had come to a stalemate in my life and marriage. While at the core my husband and I had a solid connection, our interests and what we saw as currently important in our lives had diverged like two forks in a road. I believe at the time we were each searching for our purpose and identity after retiring from our professions. Our children now independent with families of their own. At this life stage, like many of our peers, we could see that life was no longer limitless and the decisions about how we lived our lives going forward needed to be meaningful and personally authentic.
The thing with marriage, particularly when it is long term, is the degree of compromise involved. As the complexities of coupling increase with the addition of children, careers, mortgages and the multitude of life expectations our personal identities often suffer. We take on a multitude of roles and each hold different and frequently competing expectations. At different times along the way the needs of others take priority. It can be difficult to step back and prioritize ourselves, putting ‘me’ before ‘we’, without impacting the load taken by our partner.
Fast forward to the time in marriage when you revert back to the original couple and a void, filled with potential decision making, can arise. Yet before you can make any decisions you need to firmly understand the person you are, what you want out of life and armed with that information how willing you are to do the dance of compromise in this new phase of adulthood.
For me it was a fraught period of my life. One where I felt a distinct sense of lack of my own identity separate to all the previous roles I had played. Questioning my purpose. Uncomfortable with some of the previous decisions that had brought me to where I was in my life. Feeling lifeless and unable to pinpoint my own priorities.
In response, I internalized my thoughts until I felt them overwhelm me. Yet slowly opportunities emerged. Opportunities that required major decision making. My piece of paper with the pros and cons became my friend.
I was desperate for a sabbatical from my current life to truly get to know myself again. As the pros and cons poured out on the page there was a long list of cons – leaving a life I knew and fear of making a decision that potentially could have major repercussions for my myself, my husband and our family. Yet on the smaller pro side of the decision making sheet were the whispered and very real intentions to sort out what was most important to me. A gift I hadn’t given myself permission to take at any earlier stage of my adult life. It had felt too selfish.
Most of my friends knew nothing of my inner angst so were surprised when I separated from my current life and moved away. Yet I had one friend who identified the angst of my decision making at the time. She could see the internal struggle and fear that I wrangled with. The forked tongue of the decision – both boldly stepping into a new direction, yet internally feeling uncertainty and trepidation.
Fast forward three years and I am thankful I had the courage to follow through on my decision making. I am in a very happy place in my life right now, with more assertiveness, self-compassion and filled with confidence and direction in my life. I have found passion in sharing my writing with others, particularly other woman struggling with the transition beyond family life.
Some have embraced the changed me. Others have fallen by the wayside. I am at peace with both. What I now know is how important it is to find courage to assess your life direction and follow through with action. Particularly when living life authentically is at stake. Your evolution and your answers will present themselves over time.
As poet Mary Oliver says, ‘Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?’. Your answer: embrace it, make sound decisions and actively seek out what makes real sense to you. All the best.
