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Black Friday Madness

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Tommy Hilfiger, like countless other retail businesses, are having a Black Friday Sale. I know because my husband read the email to me this morning as he walked past on the way to our kitchen for breakfast. The funny thing was, he was wearing a Tommy Hilfiger shirt, which I amusingly pointed out to him. It felt like a surveillance moment and we both wondered – had Google and Tommy Hilfiger read his shirt and specifically directly targeted marketing toward him?

We had never heard of this Black Friday mania until we took a trip to the USA in 2013. As we chatted with our cab driver on the way into Honolulu, Hawaii; we mentioned we would be travelling on to mainland USA and spending time there until around the Thanksgiving Holiday. He asked us if we would be around for the Black Friday Sale. I suspect with the blank look on our faces he was bemused we didn’t know what the fuss was about.

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

Fast forward nearly a decade and today in Australia we are inundated with marketing for Black Friday through to Cyber Monday. All our usually frequented brands are sending emails with discounted offers. Every television advertisement has the magic words ‘Black Friday’ to grab our attention. I get that it has been a challenging year for retail and this marketing campaign is the one big boost to kick start our Christmas shopping. What is disappointing is that the companies we regularly frequent are heavily discounting the prices we paid previously for their products. What is the purpose of staying loyal to them throughout the year? It makes more sense to just stock up big time over the coming days and stay mute until the same time next year.

In Australia we seem to be taking on more American traditions. Our Halloween continues to grow even though we have very little certainty around why it’s celebrated. It seems like a chance to dress up and eat lollies (‘candy’). It’s celebration is also an opportunity to scare everyone big time, as we discovered hearing about the Halloween wagon trail rides in some of the USA State National Parks. A Ghost Train ride on steroids – increasingly intense the closer Halloween approaches.

One traditional holiday that is a huge celebration in the United States is Thanksgiving Day. It just happens to coincide with Black Friday. When we were on the final leg of our trip we were in San Francisco. In the lead up to Thanksgiving, shops were decorated and people were making plans for gathering with family. Airports were busy as everyone seemed to be ‘travelling home for the holidays’. We felt a bit like refugee outcasts at our table for two dining near our hotel. Served by waiters who probably would have preferred to be home with their own families than serving tourists in a quiet restaurant. I felt for them, and we seemed out of place. It just gave me the yearning to get home to our own family before Christmas.

I’d love to see Australia adopt a form of ‘Thanksgiving Day’. Obviously it would have to have its own meaning here. In the USA this holiday is linked to a historical sharing of the bounty of a harvest between the Plymouth colonists and the Native Indian American tribe, the Wampanoag. I would hope there was a similarly inspired connection between our own early European settlers and indigenous Aboriginal peoples. In contemporary times, it has become a celebration of gratitude for the previous year and it’s ‘harvest’. A time to consciously count our blessings. This celebration is perhaps more pertinent than normal after the last two years we have experienced. We have made it through some difficult times and crystallized those things and people we are most grateful for.

I hope you ‘survive’ this Black Friday marketing weekend. Be mindful of your spending and hopefully find some special gifts for others as Christmas approaches. Our lives are lived 365 days of the year and hopefully we find each day as meaningful as the next. Life is too short and precious to do it any other way.

Four Inner Resources for Empty Nest Parents

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As the year draws to a close a fresh batch of parents contemplate the transition of emptying the family nest. Their children finish their schooling and study ready to venture out into the big wide world, away from the family home. Are you one of those parents?

As much as you would like to set up a spy camera, install a listening device to tap into their conversations or literally pack up and move in with your empty nested child; none of these forms of surveillance are going to be helpful or realistic as your child moves independently into the world.

Photo by Some Tale on Unsplash

That doesn’t mean you don’t feel a deep angst and certain level of anxiety for them, particularly in the initial stages of separation. It is not surprising. Each day for the past eighteen or so years you have had the opportunity for daily interaction at the dinner table or sitting on the living room couch. You’ve been making their meals, washing clothes and prompting their routines and forgetfulness as they have walked out the door to school.

‘Suddenly they are not physically there anymore and a void that fills the shape of them takes up residence instead’

Self-reflection

You walk past their surprisingly neat bedroom, open laundry baskets with loads that have shrunk and admire fridges that are full. Tiny increments of your daily life become reminders of their absence. All of a sudden you are no longer the authors of their life story. You have used your parenting style to instill direction through each of the previous chapters. Now it is time for them to ‘explore where the puzzle pieces fit in their lives‘. Hopefully some of the foundational parts of the puzzle will serve as a useful guide for their daily ‘inner voice’ around the choices they make.

What inner resources can you, as a parent, cultivate for this inevitable transition?

Acceptance – Knowing that you have done all that you can as a parent to your child. Our job description was always a guide. We need to believe we did a ‘good enough’ job with the circumstances and understandings we had at the time. No parent is ever perfect and the accolades are few.

In reality we have limited influence from now on. The all encompassing early stages of physical care and emotional support are over. Each birthday for the child brings them closer to their ability to be their own person, separate to us. In response, our sphere of influence has gradually decreased as the additional voices of their peers and the wider world become integrated into their perspectives and opinions. Each new experience going forward – whether an acknowledgement or a setback, becomes theirs to own.

Trust – As parents we need to trust that we have provided strategies that will enable our children to navigate life on their own. Hopefully we have given sufficient practical guidance to equip them with the inevitable challenges and ‘bumps’ along the way. We know from our own experience of young adulthood that it is rare if the journey is smooth. In loving family relationships they will know that we are able to provide that listening ear and impart further guidance and support when asked for. What we need to avoid is critical judgement of their efforts towards independence.

Developing Equanimity – We are all on our own life path, as are our children. It is important not to over-react to what surfaces for us emotionally around the ‘empty nest’. This may include worry, anxiety, sleepless nights and the desire to know what’s happening in their lives 24 hours of the day. See these as normal reactions to change. Give yourself self-compassion by acknowledging emotions that arise without being pre-occupied with them. Instead try to cultivate a sense of calm, love and acceptance for this transition.

Realistic View – Acknowledge that there are risk factors in the young adult phase of life. It is not until around the mid-twenties that our children’s brains finally reach maturity.  There is likely to be patches of impulsivity and poor decision making.  They may experience feelings of uncertainty and at times reassess and redirect their path. Yet it is very rare that our children will risk ‘falling off the game board’ all together at this time in their lives.

As a parent, take the pressure of them getting it right all the time. Be supportive, but also be aware of the need to set boundaries on physical or financial support if their life choices are negatively impacting your family. In this situation, don’t blame yourself, as it is tough being the parent. Instead look at the situation as one to solve as a family with the mentality of a ‘We’ framework – asking ‘what can we do to help you?’ Communicate how their attitudes and behaviour are hurting or impacting others and create a ‘whole village’ support network so you are not doing this in isolation.

Resist comparing your own child’s trajectory through young adulthood with others. Some make great headway in their twenties, while others gain a firmer hold on their life direction later on. As parents, we are often just relieved to see them continually navigating life, on their own terms, while cheering them on from the sideline.

When our children come into our lives it feels like a profound journey for ourselves. In the early days we build skills to support our children – love, patience, selflessness and commitment. As they become increasingly independent from us they prepare us for the inevitable transition out of active parenting. A different set of skills and resources are called on for with this next stage of life’s journey.

Life Beyond The Nest

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Although it has been quite a few years since my own children became independent, I know others who are experiencing the emptying of their family ‘nest’. It’s a time when our children head off to live or study elsewhere, no longer a daily presence in our lives. One thing I found with my own empty nesting experience was a distinct lack of guidance and support around this transition. There were plenty of books about parenting and raising children, but not so much about rediscovering self-identity and purpose after the role was complete. For me, it became a personal journey of discovery.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

As our children reach young adulthood it’s a time when we may finally feel contented with our parenting ability. We have a sense we have figured it out, only to find ourselves devoid of an active role in rearing our children. We are left questioning who we are and what our current value is to the world.

“An empty nest is designed to be filled again. Just not with the same flock. Allow it to attract new, creative abundance”

Layla Morgan Wilde

As women, we are transformed by motherhood. We are no longer a child ourselves; we are now the parent of a child. Dr Britta Bushnell, childbirth educator and Douala, observed we are facing the death of our own innocence, selfishness and immaturity. At the time of our first child’s birth we realize the enormity of the task of being fully and completely responsible for the welfare and well being of another human being. We do it through trial and error and sleepless nights, evolving our role with the ever changing needs of our family. As Britta remarks, we face the possibility of being ‘mortally wounded in many ways’ with the intense loving bond we create.

As our children progressively leave the family home there is a need to review and rediscover who we are.  To shed the responsibilities that have dominated our life. It’s a time to find the woman we want to be again.

Here are some reflections to help you explore this journey: –

Rest: – After the physical tiredness of decades of mothering it is a time to rest for a while. To give up what was the focus of your life and to allow yourself to create a new foundation for the journey ahead. Instead of creating new ‘To Do’ lists straight away, give yourself permission to relax and take your time. You have earnt this respite to reflect on your mother role, gain clarity and a renewed sense of purpose. Then you are better placed to take action toward personal change.

Remember:- Ask yourself who and what have been neglected through those years. What gifts were not utilized while you were in the throws of motherhood? Perhaps it is a time to rekindle the romance with your partner. It is also a time to remember perhaps the young woman you were before parenting. Who was she? What were her passions, traits, those things that gave her enjoyment, peace and contentment? Find ways to actively instill these parts of yourself back into your life. You are more than your previous roles and identity.

Reduce Your Responsibility : – You can begin to take less responsibility for others. Your young adult ‘children’ will need to assume responsibility for their own choices and day to day decisions. They will falter and make errors of judgement, just as we all did. Acknowledge that you have done the best job possible to prepare them for adulthood.  

Reset Your Role : – As children leave home to venture into the world our concept of ‘family’ changes. Our role, once all-encompassing, can become one that is more supportive and advisory.  By focusing on yourself you can allow a new identity to emerge that is personal, authentic and independent of others. It is a wonderful time for your children to see you as a distinct person separate from being their mother. A woman who is vulnerable and has her own perspective on life. The use of ritual to celebrate this ’empty nesting’ transition is powerful.

Prioritize Yourself :- Prioritize you own needs and attend to you own welfare and well-being. You will find there is more opportunity for adventure, creativity and discovery of your ‘inner child’. It may be time to take more care with your physical health and well-being. You may also want to return to study, volunteer or create a new business. This is your time to make new personal life decisions.

This coming year I am introducing a six week series of Women’s Circle specifically to support women to discover themselves beyond the empty nest. I’d like to guide and encourage you. Something I couldn’t find when I was going through this transition myself.

If this sounds interesting to you, email me at jan@healingthematriarch.com  I also encourage you to join the Healing the Matriarch Community private Facebook group. A space where women can delve deeper into the content of each blog.

A Glimpse of Life

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Melanie felt a sense of agitation. Her world was filled with a degree of angst and a slowly seeping dread of an uncertain future. A world that no longer made sense to her. Life was not how she had hoped and currently she sat munching on her breakfast of muesli and yoghurt. Pondering another morning in lockdown.

She scrolled down her social feed and found a favourite wise woman she liked to follow. She knew even the sound of this woman’s voice was enough to create within her a sense of quiet calm. The woman was a well-known meditation teacher and writer. A gentle presence on the screen beckoning Melanie into a different world.

“When we get lost, we need only pause, look at what is true, relax our heart and arrive again”

Tara Brach

She moved her laptop to a place outdoors where she could feel comfortable. Slipping into the wooden chair and readjusting her legs and back to feel the firmness beneath her. Enveloped and comfortable, her breathing began to relax into a soft rhythm. Closing her eyes she sensed the sounds around her. The chirps of the birds and insects in her garden, the rustle of the trees and the background noise of traffic from a nearby road.

Photo by Kate Darmody on Unsplash

Slowly calm descended on her as she listened to the softly spoken words of the recorded voice. Each phrase directing her to notice, then relax, a part of her body. Melanie observed the tension in her shoulders as she focused on them. Even with her eyes closed, she could feel various muscles around her neck and shoulders release, creating an instant sense of relief. Why hadn’t she noticed the tension before? She wondered how long she had been holding on to the weight of her concerns about the world.

Each breathe she took in felt fresh and clean. Each outward breathe gave a sense of letting go and relaxation. Once each of her body parts were highlighted and addressed her body slumped comfortably back into the frame of the chair.

‘Imagine your future self…. In five, ten or twenty years depending on the age you are now’ proposed the voice in her ear. Melanie mentally visualized the decades ahead and the ‘Melanie’ of five years’ time felt the easiest to conjure up in her mind. A person not too distant from now, most likely to be alive and living in a calmer and more consistent life than the crazy one she now inhabited.

‘Now look into your current life… search your heart and soul for what it is telling you’. Melanie pictured in her mind a sense of courage and resilience. An ability to remain patient and observant waiting for clues of a way forward. Slowly in her mind she began to picture a bridge rising from where she was in this moment to the older, future version of herself.

She remembers the initial shock of hearing the announcement of the lockdown. It seemed surreal as one moment she was enjoying the activities she loved and interacting with others. The next she was sitting alone in the quiet of her home. Only the television and her devices for entertainment and connection.

Hearing the news that evening made her feel like she was now inhabiting a strange, new world. A fearful world dealing with the spread of an invisible viral enemy. Everyone around her became a potential suspect and every surface a mission to clean. Outside her door felt unsafe territory. Whenever she ventured for a walk outdoors her gut would ache with mild anxiety until she reached her destination back home.

Heading to the supermarket in those early days was tough. Wearing a mask over her mouth and nose felt foreign and claustrophobic. As she went about the task of finding what she needed from the shelves she felt herself sashaying from side to side in the aisles to avoid physical contact with others. It made her sad that no one acknowledged each other with eye contact and when they did their eyes appeared lifeless and frightened.

Slowly and surely this new existence became more comfortable. Melanie found a new enjoyment in the time she could lavishly spend at home. She poured over cookbooks, finding recipes that she had abandoned in her previously busy life. Her garden provided a lovely sense of purpose as she tended, weeded and replanted. Her home became her haven of contentment.

Once she sensed a rhythm emerging it became possible to create a daily routine that provided a framework for her day. She used her mornings to structure her household tasks and after lunch enjoyed the opportunity to take an hour to walk in her neighbourhood. It felt more enjoyable than normal for her as she no longer took it for granted.

She noticed the changing of the seasons along her route and other people, hungry for exercise and contact, were cheery at a safe distance. The sights and smells along her walk seemed heightened as if she had not experienced them for a long time. Occasionally something would capture her attention. A beautiful light descending on a flower or stone, the intense green of a grassy field or the playfulness of a dog happy to be out with its owner. Melanie enjoyed capturing these exquisite moments of life on her phone’s camera to store as memories. Memories of a unique time and place in her life.

Over time Melanie noticed the strangeness of this altered existence became more familiar. Thankfully the measures of wearing a mask and keeping socially distanced were taking effect. She was grateful that although the overseas experience was more devastating fewer cases were found closer to home. She felt a level of protection and safety. Vaccination was also on the horizon and she could make a choice about it as an option for protection.

What she didn’t realize was how long this invisible enemy was going to be around to impact her life. Months continued to drag on to years. At times in the second year she would taste a sense of partial freedom only to be placed once more in lockdown. Each time there was a feeling of disappointment yet the lessons of how to structure her life weren’t lost allowing her to slip back into her familiar routines. For Melanie, the fear became more of the possibilities of navigating a life beyond lockdown.

How could she learn to live in this new, challenging world?

Deep in meditation Melanie tentatively took the first steps skyward along the bridge to her future self she felt a strong gentle hand reaching out to her to guide her along the way. She realised in her mind’s eye that her future self was there, already offering support for the journey ahead. A partially available vision of who she would be in a more grounded and stable existence. A sense of relief began to wash over her.

As Melanie took the last calming breaths of her meditation she felt at peace. She slowly opened her eyes to see the beauty of her backyard. The movement and rustle of the leaves in the trees. She took in the sights and sounds of the birds and insects around her. The traffic nearby steady and constant. Her life was still there waiting for her to re-enter.

In that moment she knew that there were many versions of herself. The innocent child, the adventurous young adult and the woman she now was. She also recognized there was a future wise version of herself that was ready and available to guide her forward.

Melanie realized she had at her disposal a host of lived experiences to draw on and a toolkit of strategies for the days ahead. As she walked back inside, her laptop firmly under her arm, she knew she could call on each loved version of herself as she went about the day ahead.

November 2021
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