Archives for June 2021

Vulnerability allows us to be ‘open’ and fully ourselves yet we need to approach it with caution. If we allow our vulnerability to remain unchecked, we also open ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt, used or abused by others in our relationships. The Oxford Dictionary definition for vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. 

Our tendency to want to please others and remain co- dependent on their whims leaves us devoid of boundaries. Healthy boundary setting, that places ourselves squarely at the centre, allows us to make healthy choices and be more authentic. When we do this, those who appreciate us for who we are, will also be those who gravitate to us. We may lose some relationships or friendships but those may have been with people who are not necessarily good for us.

Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love, belonging and joy – the experiences that make us the most vulnerable

Dr Brene Brown.

Make a pact with yourself. If I choose vulnerability, I also choose these personal attributes:

Common Sense – One thing about getting older is the fact that you can look back at your own life and see situations where you made bad decisions. You may have been inexperienced, gullible or influenced by someone who put their own needs or agenda before your own. As a result your life has taken a different direction which in hindsight you personally would not have chosen.

The thing in life is we can only live in the present moment. The only decisions we can influence are our future ones. In that sense we can create or manifest changes in our lives. The past serves as our life lessons. We learn to accept the good and bad decisions we have made. Both have given us food for thought.

Gut Intuition – Is it a good idea? How does this change or expectation serve me? Our vagus nerve connects our two brains. The one in our head and the one in our gut. Often we allow our head to override what our gut is truly telling us. The need to test our assumptions and what is happening around us. Believe that you know what is best for yourself and follow your own gut advice. Ask is this person or situation good for me? If not, what steps can I take to remove and preserve myself?

Truth testing – Each of us live in our own inner worlds. We have unique experience of what is true for us and our perceptions of the world. Have the courage to delve deeper. To ask the difficult questions and clarify what others see as reality.

Observation – The void between what you are told and what you observe. Do they match? Do you have a sense that this other person can be trusted? Our time, opinions and priorities are our own and need to be personally guarded.

Time – Be cautious but not hasty. Often over time more is revealed. Make conscious choices that serve you – each moment and day of your life.

Vulnerability can be a strength of character. If we purposely and consciously test our vulnerability with the add on list above we can make more sound judgments while remaining authentically ourselves. Life will always be complex to navigate so let vulnerability serve you well.

Where are you most vulnerable? Those parts of your life that tend to bring you down when the rest of your personality feels strong. These are often referred to as your Achilles Heel. We all tend to have them and they continually challenge us and impact our lives.

The term Achilles Heel has a mythological origin. It is named after the Greek hero, Achilles. When he was a small child his mother dipped him into the river Styx in an attempt to make him invulnerable from injury. She held him by the heel, which of course stayed dry. Consequently that small part of his body became his vulnerability and eventually his downfall in battle.

Achilles also has his name attached to a part of our body that connects our calf muscle to our heel. Many of us can attest to the debilitating effects of damage in this area. It tends to stop us in our tracks when injured and takes time to physically heal.

In modern times, the phrase has taken on the meaning of a weak spot or vulnerability in a person.

Let’s take a personal inventory of our possible ‘Achilles Heels’.

Mortality

This can lead to our fear of dying and consequent inability to engage with and enjoy life. Over our lifetime we see our loved ones die. Each time it hits us as grief and love intertwined. The one thing our loved one doesn’t want for us is to continue our mourning for them instead of cherishing our memories and moving forward fully living our own lives.

It’s a hard one, because life will always provide triggers that pull at our heart and create possible regret and pain. Special occasions and milestones in life that are not shared. Conversations and physical contact that is no longer accessible.  Even when we become unwell or injured we feel closer to our final demise. It makes us consider our own fragility and temporary hold on life.

Pride

We can sometimes sit firmly in our own shoes and fail to empathize with others. In the process grudges can be kept rather than trying to understand and mend conflict. We can remain unforgiving which ends up hurting ourselves and fails to repair a lost relationship. Our own pride can make us self-obsessed or self-centred. In doing so we can fail to see the hurt we cause by not considering the impact we have on others.

Unreciprocated love

Love can be an absolute minefield. In our closest relationships we are most vulnerable to being hurt and let down. Sometimes it requires creating healthier boundaries around a relationship and focusing on our own self-care and love. Only then do we have the potential to attract someone who genuinely loves us in a mutual and available way.

Impatience

We can want life to change immediately. This can be a sign that we are unwilling to do the inner and outer work required. It also signals to us that the timing of life events is outside our personal control. It may even mean that we are destined for an entirely different life direction. Appreciating what is, rather than struggling for a hoped for future helps us stay grounded in the present moment.

Laziness/busyness

These feel like two ends of a spectrum. At times we can lack motivation to get on with life. Life fails to be joyful or purposeful. Other times we seem to be obsessed with getting things done. Our focus can mean we miss precious encounters with our loved ones by failing to be mentally and physically present. There is a need for balance between stillness and activity.

Selfishness

Life is about compromise. That is why we live within family units where not all our needs take priority and we learn compassion and empathy for others. There are valuable life lessons in getting outside our own ego. We learn to be humble, generous and supportive not only with family, but also with the wider world.

Impulsiveness

At times we can reach conclusions quickly. We make assumptions about situations and people without spending time to observe and listen. Take the time to gather information from a variety of perspectives. Reflect well, so your interactions can be helpful and measured.

Fear and inability to trust.

Trusting others and being vulnerable is scary. Use your intuition and other traits such as common sense, truth testing and observation; to guide you to who and what you can trust.

Sometimes you have to drop your guard so your heart can breathe

Emma Xu

We are all a mixture of strengths and weaknesses. If we are able to see both within ourselves, it is possible to decide ways that we can begin to change.

Having a chat with someone you can confide in may help to shift your perspective. We can be blind to our own weaknesses, if not examined, and also blind to our own strengths. Getting the perspective of others is helpful.

Once a weakness is identified look for ways to encourage its opposite. If you are prone to being a bit selfish look for ways to serve others. If you are fearful, breed some courage through action. If you are not feeling loved, deeply begin to feel love for yourself. Face your own vulnerabilities, or Achilles Heel, and use them as a source for your own personal growth.