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The Irresistible Older Woman

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What makes a woman irresistible as she ages? The common belief is that older women become invisible in our western society. Yet what if the stereotype we believe of ourselves as older women can be turned on its head and we take instead the persona of the irresistible.

Photo by Maria Lupan on Unsplash

‘You can be gorgeous at thirty, charming at forty and irresistible for the rest of your life’

Coco Chanel

To understand what qualities a woman can emulate, it is good to look at the meaning and similar words to that of ‘irresistible’. An irresistible woman is described as “too attractive and tempting to resist”. The attractiveness is more in her authentic inner glow than in the fleeting physical beauty of her youth. She is alluring, desirable, captivating, enchanting and fascinating.

What makes her irresistible in the eyes of others?

1. Her sense of knowing from a full life lived. She has a wealth of lived experience including the full spectrum of highs and lows. This has given her an intuitive wisdom and acceptance of what life is all about. Her knowledge is based on reality.

2. Her comfortability with who she is and all she has achieved so far in life. As an older woman she has experienced a variety of roles and situations. She has the maturity of an amazingly complex toolkit of life responses. This time of life allows her to reflect on her youthful days. The path she has taken and the joys and sorrows she has witnessed. Her physical allure is a different one. Her beauty comes from an inner radiance that prompts the love and admiration of others.

3. Her authenticity which radiates as a calm confidence. She has lived in her skin for a long time. She knows her preferences in clothes, interests, and people. This gives her the ability to interact with others in a genuine way and make informed choices around her needs. She knows what she wants from life and is more often capable of the means to achieve it.

4. Her mastery at the things that are her unique gifts. Older women have built upon skills over their lifetimes. At this stage of their lives they often have a mastery of particular skills and knowledge which can be valuable to pass onto others. As mentors and wise women they can take younger generations under their guidance. The evolutionary role of the grandmother to provide solid guidance on life skills for their grandchildren is a prime example.

5. Her myriad of stories to tell. Older women can be the keepers of memories for others. They have lived through a variety of eras and know that while some things change, others remain the same or return to us in a cyclical flow. Sharing stories and photos of previous parts of our lives can be fascinating to those who are younger. Others see us as we are today. Perhaps they also need to see that we were younger versions, just as they are, who enjoyed life in a variety of ways.

If you are a woman who is approaching or past the age of forty, take heart from the words of Coco Chanel. Know that your youthful attractiveness can give way to a more mature allure. An allure based on more inner qualities and life mastery.

Use the middle part of your life to reflect on what has been. What you have experienced and learnt in life. Assess the woman you have become with gratitude. Take time to explore your desires for the future. This reflection may require journal writing or looking through memories and photos. Know, with confidence, that your allure as an older, irresistible woman can continue throughout the remainder of your life.

Reflections on the Road Travelled

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I have recently updated my car and in the first few months have travelled nearly five thousand kilometres. My car is comfortable and roomy and I am learning about its intricacies. We are making a connection. It’s my mode of transport to get from A to B.

I feel this journeying frequently by car is a mirror of my life. A life of the wanderer. Briefly in different places and always mindful of the next part of my journey. Sometimes I wonder what is behind my lack of stability and certainty. It used to worry me, but now I have come to accept that this is how my life makes sense. I have come to embrace its transient nature.

A vista along the way which is much anticipated on one of my regular journeys.

So with all this travel, what reflections have I noted: –

1. As in life, there are all types of fellow drivers who share the road with us. The fast and the slow. Those for whom the road is familiar while others are new to the route. Some drivers are cautious, others risk takers or get distracted. We are all seeing the journey from our own unique perspective.  Yet we are all also sharing this common pathway of the road. At times it presents us with moments of negotiating and compromise. We navigate overtaking safely and being aware of others and our surroundings.

2. Sometimes we travel with others, sometimes on our own. There are benefits for both. If we travel alone we make our own decisions about how long we take and where we stop. We choose our own music or decide to enjoy the solitude. Travelling together we can have conversations, help each other navigate the way, share the experience, and create lasting memories.

3. The roadway changes along the way. Sometimes we find ourselves changing direction. We come to a fork in the road or T intersection requiring us to decide between alternatives.

Robert Frost in his famous poem – The Road Not Travelled, reflects on the decisions made as we come to diverging paths. Once we have set our course we rarely look back to test the alternative we have not chosen. More likely the new path takes us onto ever changing vistas ahead. If it is an unfamiliar path it has the potential to surprise us with new experiences along the way.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by. And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost.

Even on our current pathway hazards can appear. Road works, obstacles such as wide loads and narrow bridges to navigate. Just as in life, these are unexpected obstacles and diversions.

How do we navigate these changes? Our senses switch on. We become more observant and conscious of our surroundings. We examine the alternatives to come up with the decision that feels right to take. We adjust to what we are experiencing. In doing so, we build our skills and strategies for future reference.

4.  To focus on the journey or the destination. The decision to take the scenic route versus the quickest route to our destination. Do we stop for longer, find new places to rest and revive. Perhaps stay overnight along the way to explore a part of the trip in more depth. Taking our time can allow us to live more fully and savour experiences. We need to ask ourselves what is the purpose of our journey? Can we slow it down at times?

5. The shortest route may not always be the best. – the dirt road alternative. Sometimes the secondary roads take us to our destination in less distance. We may see that as beneficial to the overall trip time. Yet these diversions may be bumpy and uncomfortable to undertake. We may risk damaging our vehicle or windscreen by choosing these alternatives. If we break down on an out of the way path it may take time for other traffic to pass by or come to our rescue.

Sometimes in life we can make a personal choice, the longer more stable path versus the bumpy, shorter path to where we wish to go. The former path can offer more ease and predictability. Yet sometimes we have no alternative to the latter. It is then that we need to summon our courage to navigate the rocky path.

6. You never know what’s around the corner. Each moment of our journey is relevant. We can give gratitude for what we are currently experiencing. We can also venture around the bend and embrace the next vista. Each time it is an unknown, yet all of our previous experience gives us tools to navigate what we find.

Whether driving in our car or navigating each new day, we are continually experiencing change in our lives. It requires both awareness and decision making on a reasonably constant basis. Embrace gratitude for the present moment on your journey. It is unique and unrepeatable. Then find courage to explore the vista that emerges around the next bend.

I See you and I know you

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One of the most challenging skills to learn is that of empathy. It’s our ability to share and understand what other people are going through. In order to do that – we need to be able to listen and observe, understand, and connect with others.

Photo by Hybrid on Unsplash

Learning empathy toward others –

When I was teaching young children much of the conversations around their misfired interactions centred on asking them ‘how do you think the other person feels? I would get them to look at facial features, emotional cues and how the other person had reacted when they were emotionally or physically hurt. In doing this I was hopefully planting seeds of empathy and their ability to understand that our actions do affect others. To help them to figuratively take a walk in another person’s shoes.

As children grow into adults we hope this learning continues but from research we find that we collectively show less empathy than we used to. According to psychologist, Jamil Zaki, our collective empathy has been eroding over time. The average person has less empathy than three quarters of people 30 years before. (Kohrath et al. 2011).  That’s pretty disheartening.

Yet we also know that empathy is a learnt skill that we can practice and improve. If we are able to turn toward rather than turn away from an uncomfortable situation it is then possible to build our empathy into a habit and characteristic of who we are. It takes the ability for us to slow down and pay attention to how other people feel. To let them and their life stories into our awareness. It also requires us to use our intuition and mind together.

‘The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world’

Plato

Today’s world is fragmented. We watch politicians and those in authority miss the mark on understanding the needs of their people. A lack of concern and respect for the wellbeing of the elderly and for women’s issues is being increasingly highlighted. Racial issues continue to not be addressed. We turn our backs on the housing crisis and homelessness. Poverty is real for an increasingly large sector of the population who can no longer access employment and provide the basic essentials of life for themselves and their families. There are so many areas to build our empathy muscle.

Sometimes it feels easier to turn a blind eye to injustice. To feel entitled to maintain the status quo if we are lucky to have advantage in one form or another. The current ‘White, male and entitled’ call out is systemic of a lack of empathy and perspective taking by a particular sector of the population. Yet as a learnt skill increased empathy is possible, with a caveat, as particularly for males it requires an incentive.

We need to find that incentive to create a more harmonious and caring world. Perhaps it starts when children are young. Exposing them to a diverse range of people and fostering their interaction with them. As children grow into teenagers and young adults the empathy training – respecting and understanding difference and deliberate exposure to a wide range of life experience can continue.

So, what is the incentive: –

1. To deepen and create more balanced, respectful relationships. By building connection with a diverse range of people and their perspectives you become a better leader, parent and romantic partner.

2. Find purpose and ability to make a difference in our world. Supporting and advocating for those less fortunate. Sharing skills and knowledge. Lessening personal loneliness, isolation, and anxiety.

3. Improve the wellbeing of others and in turn improve our own. Compassion and connection are key.

As you go about your day, notice your own ability to tune into others. Do you avoid or turn away from uncomfortable encounters or do you take time to lean in and stay uncomfortable for a while to another person’s distress. The more you are able to practice empathy the more it will be a habitual part of your life and an asset to those around you.

April 2021
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