Healing the Matriarch

Women journeying through life

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Courageously Seeking Life

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Photo by Heidi Fin on Unsplash

I see women traversing life with courage every day.

Honouring their particular journey and having the bravery and momentum to continue in the direction that feels most authentic for themselves. They have dreams and plans. They aspire to future possibilities, keenly aware that the future is uncertain and the only time we truly have is lived in the present moment.

I see their ability to action, even if it begins with micro steps of bravery. The alternative is procrastination, the self-imposed stance of inaction. Being enveloped by the fear of failure or a fear of the unknown. Entertaining concern about how they will be perceived by others. Continually in the dance with wanting the perfect conditions before actioning and the belief they are ‘not good enough’ to deserve the dreams their heart desires.

Which woman are you? Hopefully, you are the one fully participating in life right now. It may not be an outward state of courageousness, busy ticking off an action plan. Instead it may be a more inward version. For example, being invested in all your relationships – continuing to know yourself and others in a deeper way.  Immersing yourself consciously in pastimes and interests you already feel deeply about. Consistently choosing to love rather than fear in reaction to life.

“Courage is the measure of our heartfelt participation with life, with another, with a community, a work, a future.”

David Whyte

Each of us are moving through the unknown accepting that life will continue to have twists and turns. Throughout history humanity has gone through adversity. There are numerous examples of flourishing after difficult times. Our lives going forward should be no different. Each life stage we become a different version of ourselves. Each chapter of our lives also brings new life experiences and life lessons to learn. Embrace and be inquisitive of this new ‘stranger’, your future self, and the life she will lead.

By taking the initial steps of bravery we allow ourselves to let go of the outcome. To trust the Universe has our back. We take with us a heart of boldness and courage, but also a heart of humility and kindness. Our journey becomes a dance of being motivated by the big picture of our dreams and still enjoying each step that we take along the way.

The people in our lives like to place us in ‘boxes’ of the familiar.  We are seen in a particular way to them. They may react if we behave differently to what they expect of us. There may be questioning of our motives and fear for the consequences of our actions. It is common for others to overlay their life stories with ours, looking for the familiar threads of experience. Our actions may also trigger their unresolved personal memories and guilt for their own actions or inaction.

“Life is so much simpler when you stop explaining yourself to people and just do what works for you”

Unknown.

Our challenge is to overcome the critical gaze of others and remain true to our own life decisions. To share our dreams and inspire others to join us or create dreams of their own. Life will always be complicated and messy, filled with uncertainty and challenges. With courage we can embrace what comes our way and build a boldness for change.

We’re All in This Together

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The words ‘We’re All in This Together’ are the title of a popular jingle making its presence felt on Australian television and in the psyche of the Australian people. Among the lyrics of Ben Lee’s song are …. ‘Woke up this morning, I suddenly realized, we’re all in this together. I’m made of atoms; you’re made of atoms and we’re all in this together’. Yes Ben, we certainly are. The recent months have highlighted the collective need for us to work together to fight this virus. Unlike pre-Covid times when it was more possible to look at life through our own choices, now no man (or woman for that matter) is an island.

Photo by Christian Wiediger on Unsplash

‘We’ refers to everyone – even those who are well, in other states of the country which are less affected, or not in a risk group. We are making our decisions based on a sense of protecting our whole communities, particularly those most vulnerable, rather than from our personal preferences or comfort level. One significant change is that people are increasingly wearing masks when it is difficult to maintain physical distance. In one of Australia’s major cities, Melbourne, it is currently mandated that masks are worn in public with strict penalties for non-adherence. There has been social backlash against the anti-mask fraternity and others who are putting their own interests and agenda before the safety of others.

The ‘All’ refers to everyone – those directly affected and those affected by the mere fact that this virus loves to move from one person to another. Our communities and economy are deeply connected so we are all impacted in some way. This virus thrives on the community being out there mingling closely with each other. Its only objective is to spread through our active, engaged lives.

“Alone, we can do so little; together we can do so much”

Helen Keller

In a time when community connection is more difficult, it is definitely most needed. The longing we have for connection with each other in the world has been deferred. Perhaps our greatest current lesson is in how to restore a sense of community in a different, yet meaningful way.

We are social beings. We need one another to thrive and do this journey called life. Our previous busier existence had anchors that kept us connected to one another. Socially gathering for meals in restaurants, exercising in gyms and on ovals, attending live events in groups and a variety of other communal activities. As a by-product, they were opportunities to help and befriend each other.

Gathering together allows us to support one another in valid ways. To assist our ability to feel hope, providing opportunities for personal growth and planning for the future. Community also motivates us towards acts of love and kindness and the opportunity to encourage one another. In a group we are able to see the bigger picture or story of life beyond ourselves. To reach out to the wider world and assist in its ongoing creation.

How can we do this in safety? Online communities have certainly flourished since the beginning of Covid. These have provided the opportunity for continued learning, support, and connection. Many of us, of all ages, have increased our virtual connections with both loved ones and acquaintances. For others, who are not familiar with the technology, this has posed a challenge for remaining connected.

Where possible, people have gathered faced to face. This has become a new frontier where we are all more vigilant with signing into venues, using hand sanitizers and keeping social distancing. Life has been able to continue in a somewhat new form as smaller gatherings take place. With our loved ones, we need to trust each other to adhere to these hygiene and distancing measures, as we move between the wider community and our more intimate homes and relationships. It is there that our hugs and nurturing touch reside

The Covid pandemic has created a lost sense of what community once meant.  We are now required to be more conscious in how we connect with the wider world. Yet our daily actions and choices are the key to moving forward toward the future. The stronger our love, concern, and respect for jointly working together, hopefully the quicker we can return to the physical community connections we so desire.

Healing the Matriarch – Finding My Voice

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The words ‘healing the matriarch’ encapsulate the personal growth journey I have taken over the past two years. Almost to the date, I drew a line in the sand of my life and decided it was too painful to continue in its current form. I longed for a different life, and a different me. I am a wife, mother, and grandmother – yet in the definition of all those roles I had somehow lost myself.

Photo by Carolyn V on Unsplash

I had been feverishly trying to find direction. Attending courses on skills to build my self- worth, confidence and direction in life. Reading books in positive psychology. Delving into yoga and meditation. Yet I knew underneath I needed to dig back into my past to life events that had remained unresolved and unhealed. The pain of stepping out of my marriage of almost forty years was superseded by the immense pain of feeling stuck in grief and depression. Both these states were not pretty and had eaten away at my sense of worth and contentment.

A solution came by serendipity, as furniture and a short-term rental home became surprisingly available in the town of my birth. I remember the months preparing for the move feeling a sense of anticipation and calm that the Universe had my back. In reality it was awkward and uncomfortable experiencing the silence between my husband and myself, but I had an intuitive sense that my decision making was right. For the first time in a long time I was honouring and prioritizing myself.

Two things, on the day I left, remain in my memory. I made a short video expressing my feelings about the journey I was about to embark on. The woman in that video feels like a stranger, I can dimly recall her, yet I marvel at her calm and courage to act. The second memory is a feeling that the closer I travelled toward my hometown the more I felt inner peace. I had a sense I was not journeying alone, and I had my children and grandchildren waiting at my destination.

I stepped confidently into life within months of arrival. Buoyed by the familiarity of home and soothed by the family and friendship connections that were developing. I felt fitter and happier than I had in a long time. I also found I was building sufficient strength to begin working on both the possibility of repairing my marriage and resolving the inner hurts that had plagued me. Tentatively I found my life perspective and began voicing it with my husband. We had not had such open and vulnerable conversation in years.

A major source of healing was grieving the loss of my own mother and grandmother. By the time I was in my early twenties they were no longer in my life. I faced marriage and motherhood without my feminine matriarchs to guide me and share the experience. Having my own children and grandchildren around was a calming balm. I had so longed to emulate the experience I had of an available grandmother figure during my childhood. Her love seemed unconditional and she had an endless repertoire of songs and rhymes. She had become my desired role model.

As I visited my mother’s and grandmother’s graves and truly connected the memories we had shared when they were alive, my heart softened. I also saw myself as less of a victim of circumstance in life and more with a grateful heart for the part they had played and the legacy of their existence in my life.

I discovered that at the point of no longer feeling victim and stuck in my situation, that life’s lessons could be learnt. Inner courage, authenticity, self-nurturance, and appreciation of my personal qualities emerged. I was gaining clarity and future direction. I felt a confidence to let go of any outcome in my life and focus on responding as the person I had become. She too was a stranger but one I was excited to get to know.

Living during the social isolation and early lock-down of the pandemic became the impetus for stepping into establishing my blogging voice. With time and no distractions, I was able to incubate the project of creating Healing the Matriarch as a website blog. I also instigated a Facebook page and private group to allow a community of women to gather and share their wisdom and life experience.

I found my writing flowed naturally and allowed me to express my personal journey in a meaningful way.  My wish is that others gain comfort and inspiration from vicariously sharing my experience. I believe that we each have the inner reserves to change what no longer works in our lives. I also marvel at the beautiful, unexpected rewards that emerged from taking conscious actionable steps toward changing my own circumstances.

Postscript: I am feeling blessed to have taken this journey. At the time of writing, I have returned to my life and marriage with a deeper appreciation of my self-worth. There is also an inner excitement for what my future has to offer.

Having Difficult Life Conversations

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Throughout life we are involved in conversation with others. The gravity of our conversations depends on who we are speaking to and the subject matter discussed. We use conversation to inform our ideas, opinions, and understanding of the world. It also allows us to share our perspective of the world with others and hear an alternate view in response.

For those we are closest to, the conversations we have hold greater importance. There are times in our life when ‘future’ conversations arise – deciding where we might live as we age, how we can continue to care for each other and what remaining life wishes and desires we have.

How do we prepare for these more difficult conversations?

Photo by Jeroen den Otter on Unsplash

Initially we need to solidify our own current viewpoint. This is our personal work. To clarify our own thoughts, emotions, and attitudes to a possible future scenario. It might require gathering information that is relevant and important in our own circumstances. It may also require speaking to professionals in the area of specific decision making – estate planners, financial advisors, life style villages etc. Look at a variety of options – see what they are.

Once you have some clarity it becomes time to broach the subject with those directly involved. This can feel like a nerve wrecking experience as often there is concern about how the information will be received. Know that clarifying your own thoughts has let you prepare.

Use tiny steps in the initial conversation. You could start with ‘I’ve been thinking about … lately. Do you mind if we set aside a time to chat about it?’ This allows for a gentle lean into an important conversation and also gives the other person time to process their own thoughts about what you have raised. When it is time to chat, allow for the time and space for discussion. Difficult conversations should not be rushed as they have the potential to be emotive. Try to limit distractions such as phones and other people overhearing the conversation.

As the conversation evolves, see it as a potential gift of sharing you give each other. Allow for plenty of space, in the form of silence, between what is said. This gives the opportunity for each person to process their thoughts and gather their responses. It is important to encourage time to be the one who is speaking, with time to be the listener. As tempting as it is to interrupt and share our view, it is important to allow each person to respond as fully possible.

Be open to flexibility.  A conversation may bring up strong emotions. Allow the person experiencing them the opportunity to express these, particularly if it is sadness or grief. Coming to their aid, to avoid our own discomfort, may stifle full expression and emotional release. Just be there and allow space for the emotion to flow. This is an important cathartic step in progressing with both the conversation and any subsequent decision making.

If decisions are made in the course of the conversation, see them as a guideline rather than a directive. Allow for changes of ideas to occur as the conversation continues to be processed. It is quite likely that follow up conversations will be necessary. The groundwork is done. Future conversations can build on what is established.

Having the difficult conversations with those we are close to is important. The alternative, which may be familiar, is leaving things unsaid. In instigating a conversation, particularly as we age, we give the opportunity for honest discussion about what matters. We can share memories, verbalize our love and concern for each other, and consciously work out ways to advocate each others’ wishes and desires in life. Keep open to the need for difficult conversations. The rewards can override the angst of speaking the first word.

March 2026
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