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Different Faces of Courage

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When I share Gardner’s multiple intelligence theory with early childhood educators a light bulb moment often happens. Rather than seeing intelligence narrowly as IQ tests and factual knowledge, suddenly they realize that children’s learning is much broader. Some learn best while their bodies are moving, others through music or language.  The social butterflies in the classroom learn effectively in connection with others, while some children prefer space to think alone. Nature, maths, or science may be a stimulus for knowledge gathering.

Educators learn to accommodate all types of learners in their classroom. It is an enlightening way to think about intelligence.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Recently I have come across a similar multiple perspective – this time around the concept of courage. It really resonated with me. The most common way we look at courage is as a form of masculine outward bravery. Think superheroes on a battlefield or fighting an inferno. Yet there are also other ‘softer’ forms of courage that are worthy to explore. Each one strengthens particular human traits we are aiming for in our lives. They also take us out of our comfort zone and strengthen our character.

Physical Courage: To have the resilience to continue moving forward in life. The ability to be brave. To persevere when the going gets tough and it would be easier to just give up. Physical courage is also seen as staying rooted in the present moment. To listen and share deeply in our interactions with others. To focus on The Now as Eckhart Tolle would say, as that is really the only moment we exist in. It’s being able to achieve balance between our busy lives and sitting in stillness, observant and aware of what is going on around us. Courage as a skill to practice every day.

Social Courage: To be ourselves in an authentic and unapologetic way. The work of Brene Brown is a wonderful start to exploring this type of courage. Vulnerability and shame speak to the softer, more human side of courageously turning up in life.

Moral Courage: This is the ability to stand up for what we believe, even though it may be uncomfortable or unpopular. It’s the ability to advocate for our own viewpoint or to create awareness more widely for the plight of others. It takes a certain form of bravery to find our voice and stand out from popular opinion.

“What if the world is holding its breath – waiting for you to take the place that only you can fill?”

David Whyte – Irish Poet

Emotional Courage: Being able to feel the breadth of our emotions – both the good and the bad. Not seeing them as our identity, but more our bodily response to what is happening around us. To be unashamed to show these emotions and share them with vulnerability. This is a healing type of courage. Very much the opposite of the ‘stiff upper lip’ of hiding our emotions from others.

Intellectual Courage: The ability to be fallible with knowledge. To learn, unlearn and relearn with an open and flexible mind. To know our knowledge and wisdom is tied to our particular view and experience of the world. To be open to the perspective of others. It’s the courage to make mistakes and learn difficult life lessons.

Spiritual Courage: To strive for purpose and meaning in our lives through a heart centred approach towards both ourselves and all life. To believe in the unseen and to uphold personal standards that benefit the collective good of our families and communities. This type of courage is a quiet and considered one.

Now that I have presented various faces of courage I intend to follow this with a series of blogs exploring each one. I hope you will join me in this broadened conversation of how we can live more courageously in our lives.

Covid Calories

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The words ‘Covid Calories’ are being voiced by groups of women I connect with. We realize the calories we have consumed during lock down have somehow translated into Covid Kilos (or pounds in imperial measures). As we go to our wardrobes, to our dismay our clothes no longer fit. They have become snug or even tight; zips don’t go up and extra padding on our bodies is evident. With the warmer weather approaching we are thinking of summer clothes, lighter fabrics and even the possibility of swimwear. Our summers in Australia can be hot.

Photo by i yunmai on Unsplash

In early lockdown, around March to May, we were practicing physical distancing and only going out from our homes for essentials – doctor’s appointments, supermarket visits and brief bursts of exercise. Our pantries and fridges became very convenient and in the void we found our old recipe books and began to cook our favourites. Devoid of our usual busy activities we resorted to living our lives around mealtimes.

We watched the news bulletins. The only thing that seemed newsworthy was the virus. Each day became like Groundhog Day. Waking from our slumber we wondered if it was all just a bad dream. It was only when we switched on the television that we realised life had not changed. Each day the same news, the same concerns, and building anxiety. We began to get used to the additional hygiene measures we needed to take against this invisible enemy. We no longer hugged our love ones or greeted with a handshake. We sanitised our lives and those of our children. As borders were closed and hotspots identified, rules began to constantly change and we grew more concerned about possible spread. The level of uncertainty was palatable. Emotional eating and lack of energy from constant worry became a pattern.

As winter approached the weather cooled and our activity reduced. Many of our usual sources of exercise were unable to happen or had gone online. The loungeroom couch looked enticing with all its pillows and throws. Our heater or open fire was cosy. We reached for our televisions and technology for company and that kitchen pantry kept beckoning with its proximity.

How can we begin to emerge from the exercise and eating habits of Covid? To rise from the cooler months and find new motivation for our health and well being.

Begin each day – spend time in your own world before entering the wider world we inhabit. Even before you open your eyes stretch out in bed and take some calming full breaths. Only then open your eyes and allow your senses to enter the new day. Slowly and quietly emerge. Have breakfast in a calm way preferably with solitude. Listen to nature outside. Sit in the sunshine. Leave technology and television until later. If you have others in the house be mindful of easing into the day. For families this can be soothing as a daily pattern. Appreciate with gratitude the new day.

Do one thing at a time – Eating while watching the breakfast news or scrolling social media feeds can make us unaware of what we are consuming. We fail to notice how the food looks and smells or take our time to savour each bite. Meals are a time to focus on nourishing our bodies. If we are more conscious we can register when our stomachs have filled and stop reaching for more food.

Avoid emotional eating – a pattern of worry and uncertainty may have led to emotional eating over these months. To circumvent this, one of the best exercises is to take yourself for a walk. This provides both distraction and fresh air.

“Walk yourself out of your bad mood (inertia, anxiety). Studies show that even a 10-minute walk immediately boosts brain chemistry to increase happiness”

Unknown

Use connection to exercise together – Reconnect as you are allowed. Even if for now it is only among your neighbourhood and local community. Meet up again with people face to face rather than online or via technology.

Take the opportunity to choose activities that bring your heart rate up. My favourite at the moment is Zumba, a dance class where not only do we connect and have fun moving in a socially distanced way, we burn calories without really noticing. Also incorporate exercise that calms the mind for example Yoga, Tai Chi or Pilates.  In that way you are nurturing your mind, body, and soul.

Be Mindful at the Supermarket – We have learnt to be more conscious in our shopping habits so now is also a time to make these trips effective. Look for lighter recipes and meals to make, take your shopping list and source fresh, healthy options. Although more calorie laden options are readily available – if they don’t make it into the shopping trolley and to our home, we can’t be enticed to eat them.

Our lives and conversations have been heavily weighted to Covid of late. Not only has it concerned us, but it has also caused us to put on weight. With a more mindful approach we can restore our balance and wellbeing. Our bodies will thank us for this healthier approach.

Why Older Women stay in Unhappy Marriages

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Marriages today are challenging. More long-term marriages are ending as either the man or woman walk away. The departure of the last child from the ‘family nest’ is a critical and sensitive time for marriage partners and their ability to stay fulfilled and happy together. Children may have been the glue over the years. The focus on providing for the family’s needs and a roof over their head is now less relevant. For both genders, lives and bodies are changing. Once families are reduced to the original couple, there is space to see each other anew. The dynamics of the partnership can consequently be challenged.

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

So many changes confront women as they enter their fifties. If they are mothers, they may be in the throes of empty nesting. As they move closer to sixty they may be contemplating reducing or retiring from the paid workplace. At the same time, women are going through the hormonal and physical changes of menopause. These events can sometimes prove unsettling and emotional. Women may feel they are on a roller coaster ride to losing their identity and life purpose.

While divorce rates are highest early in marriages, a second peak occurs in the late forties. https://aifs.gov.au/facts-and-figures/divorce-rates-australia. As women emerge from menopause, many reassess their current life.  While they are less likely to instigate a divorce than their younger counterparts, they may not be satisfied with the current status quo within their relationships and life. So, what drives a woman to remain unhappily married rather than divorce?

Here are some possibilities: –

  1. A woman may stay because the core of her sense of worth and femininity has been challenged. As a young woman she felt physically admired and now as she ages she is less sure of herself as an attractive and capable woman – both to her partner and the outside world. She is no longer actively a mother and feels the loss of her primary feminine role.
  2. A woman may stay because she lacks the confidence to live independently. She has relied heavily on her partner for physical and financial support.  She holds the belief that she cannot survive on her own and it frightens her.
  3. She is too invested in the marriage. Particularly if there are family homes and children, grandchildren, and friendship groups that rely on relating to them as a couple. The usual scenario of others feeling the need to side with one partner in divorce and exclude contact with the other is just too uncomfortable for her to contemplate.
  4. She finds it just too messy and emotionally impacting to loved ones to take this step. The repercussions for her are huge. She would rather stay in an unsatisfactory marriage than risk an emotional toll on others.
  5. She still holds loving feelings for her husband. They have created a life together but their paths run parallel and there is little that now connects them. The romantic spark has diminished.

Where is the resolution for the woman in this predicament?

She needs to step back into her own space for a time. To take the opportunity to rediscover her femininity and grace as an older woman. To build belief in her worth and ongoing purpose. She needs to build confidence and a level of personal independence. To discover her own identity – distinct from her roles as wife and mother. Finally, she needs to find joy and contentment in her life.

“May your heart heal. May the past no longer block your view of the present. May you breathe again, rest again, laugh again, live again. May it be so”.

Dr Thema

It is only in taking this journey of self-discovery that she can make an informed decision around her marriage.

Related Blog Posts: –

Find Beauty and Purpose in the Broken

Healing the Matriarch – Finding My Voice

Courageously Seeking Life

What I wish I knew about Parenthood

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As I look back on my journey as a mother I sense it as one of the most fulfilling roles in my life. I was ‘meant’ to be a mother, yet it was definitely not easy and some days it would exhaust me to the core. I began motherhood in my mid-twenties, two years after marrying my husband. At the time we were only just entering adulthood ourselves. Neither of us really knew what we were getting into, and I suspect no-one truly does. Here are some retrospective thoughts I would share with women (and their partners) contemplating or already in the throes of the parenting role.

Photo by Bethany Beck on Unsplash

There is no manual: –

My university education and profession were in early childhood teaching. I have over the years accumulated an intimate knowledge of young children’s development. Once I fell pregnant, I thought I might be a bit ahead of the ball game with this parenting thing, and so did my husband. Our expectations of what life would be like with a newborn were quickly brought down to earth when she arrived. I can honestly say that nothing prepares you for the first three months of your first child’s life.

The intricacies of this tiny creature are learnt on the job. Feeding, settling, endless washing and nappy changing become mind boggling. You will search for patterns of behaviour and everyday your baby will bring a new one. It will not be until months down the track that you finally surface back into the world and feel you have any idea of what you are supposed to do.

So: Be kind to yourself. Just be with your baby and surround them with your love. Support each other as parents as this has been a huge transition and it will take time to feel your way. Don’t take the words of the parenting books and information too much to heart unless it mirrors the reality of your experience. Seek out other young parents and if in doubt ask for some professional reassurance. You will be fine; no-one expects perfection and babies are resilient to all the attempts we make to work them out.

It will change your life: –

I love when I hear conversation from a young couple who glowingly say that their baby will fit right into their lifestyle (not the other way around). Once they are parents it soon becomes evident that the baby becomes central to the family and their needs become paramount. While it is a brave stance to take, I believe it has some merit. Once you have children being a family takes priority, yet it is also important to advocate for time for yourself and as a couple.

Having your first child, and then their subsequent siblings, is the quickest way to become less self-focused. The beautiful life lesson of parenthood is that part of our maturity in life is to step into adulthood and its responsibilities. That includes caring deeply about not only our partner, but also our growing family. We are no longer the centre of our own universe. The skills we learn are also helpful outside the parenting arena – effective communication, leadership, and prioritizing responsibilities.

The job of parenting is best done with massive support from each other, family, friends, and others in our community. Families need our support throughout the journey of parenthood, and we need the contribution and energy of families in our community.

So: View becoming a mother (and father) as a vocation with the greatest life lessons. Your children will teach you more about yourself and life than any book or other person.  Embrace the role knowing it is a continual evolution with your children. Keep a sense of fun, adventure and laugh a lot together.

Along the way, keep a sense of who you are as a person and as a couple. Find ways to create the delicate balance between your own interests, your partners, and those of your growing family.

It’s a lifelong assignment: –

My husband and I are now beyond the ‘empty nest’. Our children are now parents themselves and we have five beautiful grandchildren. We have celebrated our children’s achievements through the years. We have worried sick about them at times. We’ve tried to reserve judgement, on most occasions, as we moved to the sidelines and allowed them to step closer to independence. It has been an incremental journey. One that starts with the helpless newborn to the inquisitive child and then the petulant and distant adolescent. We’ve had to give them huge amounts of space as they left the family nest only to find them understanding us more and seeking our advice and support once they became parents themselves. A beautiful full circle.

So: – Conserve your energy along the parenting journey. After all, it is a marathon, not a sprint. At times it seems a lifetime away that your children will be adults. Yet time will fly and there will be so many memories to recall. As much as you will mould them in the process, they will also mould you.

There is a life after parenthood.

Once you reach the vantage point beyond parenting, you realize that there is another horizon. A time to uncover pastimes, passions, and skills from the past. Some perhaps from well before your children were born. Its also a time to take on interests and adventures that are completely new.

You may surprise your children with hidden talents, accumulated wisdom, and things they didn’t know about you as a person. Your children now have the opportunity to appreciate you as an equal. You’ll continue to be their constant example of future possibilities.

I genuinely believe there is a time for everything. Priorities change over our lives. There will be opportunities to experience what life has to offer, but not necessarily everything at the same time. Embrace the role of parenthood while you can.

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