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Find Strength in Surrender

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Life has been turned upside down recently. Not just for some but for all of us. The daily activities we enjoyed and the people we connected with are no longer available to us. Our travel has been restricted or non-existent. The sports and cultural events we previously enjoyed are now in recess. We have hit a pause button as the world awaits a solution to the current pandemic.

 As each day dawns it feels like Groundhog Day. Another day of social isolation, heightened hygiene measures and prolonged uncertainty.  Much of life has changed so quickly that it is now quite difficult to remember the carefree pre-virus days. As much as we try to control and make sense of current events we live in a messy, emotional, and discomforting uncertainty. We can get wrapped up in our thoughts and find our minds spinning in circles looking for solutions. Is it time to surrender to accepting what is, rather than striving to manage what is beyond our control?

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Here are some areas you might be trying to control:-

  • Moving forward with work in a changing economy. One-week life seemed so stable with a workplace and steady wage paying mortgages and bills. The next week may have meant upheaval and change – working from home amidst family or facing unseen redundancy.
  • Maintaining a business and putting in strategies toward its survival.
  • The need for high grade hygiene practices in environments that once were more relaxed.
  • Helping an elderly parent navigate isolation from loved ones or family members to find the right treatment for medical conditions.
  • Amid the pandemic finding the ‘right path’ for a loved one who is dying and finding safe ways to celebrate their lives.

American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr wrote the following prayer. His poignant words point to knowing the difference between having courage to change what is possible while also being able to accept and surrender to what we are unable to change. We have limited control over our current world circumstances, yet we can choose how we respond.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things that cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference.

Reinhold Niebuhr

What does surrender or acceptance look like?

It may be temporarily letting go of the need to be someone or to be somewhere you are not. Pre-pandemic days may have been filled with plans. Plans to travel and spend time in warmer climates. Plans to relocate, expand a business, or begin a new life direction. The experiences we so longed for may be temporarily unavailable.

 I know I have spent the last few years of my life on a journey of inner growth and understanding. This new sense of self has allowed me to dream of new, more authentic ways of being in the world and creating a legacy. While I am quietly working away at the possibilities at home, I am also feeling the limits of my energy and coping ability right now. I love this person I have become but I want to nurture her. I know I need to find the balance between focusing on what I plan to achieve and rest.

What do you gain from surrendering to your current life situation?

A chance to give yourself respite from daily concerns. This includes letting go of expectations of what you should be doing. These expectations may have been fine under different circumstances. Now wisdom needs to step in as you acknowledge that you have achieved all you need right now.

Loving yourself enough to know your limits. This has been an insight for me lately. I have always been confident in my creative ability. What I am finding challenging is the technology side of new skills I am learning. I am blown away with what I have been able to accomplish recently, particularly with less face to face guidance. Yet also finding that my head is spinning with new information and I feel totally out of my depth with some tasks.

Show self-compassion and gentleness with yourself. The current time is tough for many and it is important to slow down and relax more often. This allows your mind, body and spirit the time it needs to re energize and heal.

Our current times are uncertain, and we are feeling a host of emotions as we navigate each day. Perhaps taking a break from constant striving may help each of us to find our answers and a deeper sense of inner peace.

Sit at the feet of the elderly

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Our lives provide a wonderful opportunity to learn life lessons and experience the full gamut of emotions. If we are blessed to be on this planet long enough, we witness the cyclical nature of our life. The innocence of childhood moves toward the responsibilities of adulthood and once more to the clarity and simplicity of old age. We often do not realize both ourselves and others are getting older. The awakening happens as major birthdays approach or health issues remind us of our finite years.

Photo by Damir Bosnjak on Unsplash

The elderly in our current world are often isolated from everyday community life. The days of multi-generational living have largely been replaced by age specific care. Lifestyle and retirement villages have become popular transitions for the elderly, not unlike the segregating of our little ones in childcare centres. In both professional settings, the physical and social needs can be met effectively and when they are high quality provide immense benefit to each age group. What may be the missing ingredient is the gathering of wisdom and insight from the elderly by each successive generation.

The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person

Andy Roomy

Several years ago, I volunteered as a community visitor at a high dependency aged care facility. I was matched with a beautiful lady in her nineties who through suffering physical injury had become increasing dependant on others. She had originally come from Austria to Australia with her husband and once he had died, she had no family and a small circle of neighbours and friends to support her.

Our tentative beginnings of connection soon forged into an incredibly special friendship. We shared our lives and stories. For me she became my wise woman crone. Her perspective was sharp and insightful as I brought the outer world into her room and she shared her remembering and current journey with me. I noticed her ability to advocate for her needs as her physical ability decreased and dependence grew. She tenderly supported the age care workers who came into her room to deliver meals, help her with personal care and attend to her medical needs. Sadly, for me, she died eighteen months into our connection. Ironically, it was at the time I had just arrived in her homeland Austria on an overseas holiday. She had never returned so in that moment I felt a soul connection between our lived experience. In a sense I had taken her home.

As we age there is a sudden realization that life is precious. There becomes a need to share our stories and wisdom. The impetus may often be that we remember our parents and grandparents and wish that in some way they had recorded the meaningful parts of their lives. When available, these tangible insights give a window into another era and another viewpoint on living.

Old people were young people, before young people were people  

Tom Wyatt

The challenge now is to begin to share your accumulated memories and wisdom. Here are some starting points.

  • Collect family photos and write short notes on the back to indicate when and where it was taken. Who is in the photo? What is their connection to the family?
  • Recall random yet important emotional memories. They may be connected to life events for example births, weddings, family holidays. Write or speak the memories to invite your personal insight into these experiences. Keep these memories safely together with the photos.
  • Write letters to family members. Each of my children has a letter of my recollections as I anticipated the day they were born. These become unique personal memories that remain beyond a lifetime.
  • Engage with family conversation. Believe that the life experience you have is insightful to the issues younger generations are experiencing. Particularly when life is tough, they may draw on the consolation that you experienced something similar and survived beyond or maybe even thrived.
  • Sit at the feet of your elders. The time is precious and the urgency to ask about their life recollections and experiences is a priority.

Life provides wonderful insights. Often this is from the people who we are most deeply connected with, our family. Take the time to be present with the older generation while you can. Their insight has been gathered over a lifetime. Also begin to record the memorable moments of your own life to share with future generations of your family.

Midlife Reset

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Throughout our lives, as women, we take on a multitude of identities. Our life begins as someone’s daughter and as we journey through adulthood, we take on additional roles. We can become wives, mothers, nurturers and workplace colleagues. A whole rich identity, and associated expectations, emerges during our adulthood. Author Brene Brown sees the midlife years, our 40’s and 50’s, as a time of unravelling of these multiple identities. It is a time to examine who we are in each role and what no longer serves us. In doing this exploration we move closer to our true authentic nature.

People may call what happens at midlife a crisis, but it is more like an unravelling

Brene Brown

At times we wonder how we have managed to juggle our professional careers with caring for our home and children.  We were among the pioneering generation of women combining work and parenting. Leaving professional work often coincides with when our children grow up and are seeking their independence. Both our workplace and our mothering role have fed our need for social connection and purpose. As a result, many retired women and empty nesting mothers struggle to find new purpose in their life.

I loved being a mother and it was a large part of my identity. If you are like me, it is not surprising if you struggled to step back from advice giving and monitoring during your children’s teenage years. As hard as it is for us, this is the time to allow our children their independence – to make mistakes, to face struggles and be challenged outside our overseeing gaze.  We have memories of our own youthful journey to independence and feel both excited and concerned for their well-being. We know from experience that hard knocks and bad decisions are part of emerging into adulthood.

Leaving our workplaces for good, adds another layer of identity loss. As a woman, the workplace provides strong friendships alongside our work roles. Meaningful connection matters. Our self-esteem and competence are fed from the time we spend working together. On retirement, we soon find that we are dispensable in our previous workplaces and it is more difficult to keep in touch with work colleagues.

There becomes a need to find new direction and purpose. I replaced work with further study as I felt the need to continue stimulating my brain daily. I loved the challenge and new knowledge. It gave renewed purpose to my life. Although I was older than most other students in my degree I enjoyed connecting over coursework, assignments and exam study. It was also a thrill to complete the course and attend graduation on campus.

Another opportunity at this stage of life is travel. It is a time when we can finally catch up for lost time in seeing the world. Gone are the hands-on responsibilities of work and family. Often it is also a time when travel is financially possible. Unfortunately, at the present time we are all facing restrictions on travel. As these lift our countries will provide the first opportunities to explore before international travel routes reopen.

What has been your experience of peeling back all the responsibilities of work and family? It certainly is a process of redefining who you are and dealing with the negative aspects of loneliness, loss of identity and dips in confidence. It is also a time that holds the possibility of new adventures and ways to show up in the world.

As long as you live keep learning how to live  

Seneca

Once we get to our fifties, we may only be halfway through our lifespan. Begin by planning for the additional decades of ‘bonus years’ you hope to have ahead. This can be done while you are still working and raising your family. Dream about the experiences, growth and contributions you wish to make.  See your priorities clearly and build strong social networks and activities outside your immediate family obligations and workplace.

Life’s Full Circles

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I have an album of pictures that include those taken when I was a child.  I love these photos of a little girl who is full of life and adventure.  Many of them were taken at my childhood home, just 5 km down the road from where I currently live.  This home provided ample space on a small farm while having proximity to the town and schools I attended. As I look back on these pictures it dawned on me how far I have come in my life journey and how it has taken me full circle back to my birthplace.

My birthplace is a heart space for me. During our lives we may reside in and visit various locations, but some resonate more deeply for us and hold lasting memories. There is something about this place. The changing seasons, the patchwork of farming crops and water channel lifelines visible from above. It has always been a beautiful bustling multicultural town. There is an energy of connection, productivity and abundance. There is wisdom here and acceptance. For me, there is a rich association that spans my lifetime.

This is not the first time I have returned. When our children were young, we moved here for work and schooling. It became the place they grew up, met their partners and started their own families. They continue to live here today. It often amused my children when it took longer than normal on visits to the main street.  People seemed to know their mother. These were the people from my youth or school days who stopped to have a chat. I was not anonymous as I might be in a larger city. I was connected through a variety of invisible threads.

During those years, a new round of connections, based on our working and social lives, expanded the threads. This continued until my husband and I moved away to a coastal town almost twenty years ago. New activities and friendships evolved for us, yet there was a sense of identity loss on my part. My new community could not fill my need for family connection. I began to feel I was living like a ‘ghost’ in a place I failed to connect with. It became clearer that the only way to resolve this was to return to my roots.

What you seek is seeking you – When you strive for something with all your heart, it strives back for you.

Rumi, the Great Persian Poet.

It is eighteen months since I have made the full circle back to my birthplace. The person I am now is barely recognisable to the one who first arrived. I am more independent, more assured and more certain of my next steps in life’s journey.

Returning has also given me the opportunity to reflect on my family’s history and roots in this place. My grandfather, a soldier settler, and my grandmother a war bride from England were among the first pioneering families of the area. When I go to the local cemetery, which happens to be centrally located in town, I know a whole extended family including my mother and father are buried there. Together they developed professions and successful small businesses. They provided wonderful lifestyles for their families. This rural part of Australia provided a base to allow them to do so.

The current social isolation and strict ‘Stay at Home’ measures have temporarily halted much of the physical connection I established with this community. Yet I know in my heart this is where I am meant to be right now. The present time is giving me an opportunity for more clarity and inner growth. The familiarity of my neighbourhood allows me to feel the energy and wisdom of my grandparents and parents. I know why I am here.

March 2026
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