Archives for 2020

An elderly woman has been diagnosed with a terminal illness; she spends her last days in a hospice. As she is met by a visitor, she tells them she is doing quite well. The visitor wonders why despite her obviously being in the end stages of her life she is calm and content. She asks about her illness and realizes she is not living in denial. The elderly woman understands there is only a short time left for her to live. She has a sense of inner peace.

“I am happier now than I ever imagined possible” she responds. I have had a good life, surrounded by those I love. She carefully picks up photographs of her family and reminisces about special moments spent with them. She talks of lasting friendships, fun adventures, and smiles as she recollects everyday moments. Life has had its challenges, but she is satisfied.

Another woman is waiting with her tour group to begin another day. Her morning has been a ‘disaster’. She cannot decide what to wear today and the crumbled remnants of clothing in her suitcase desperately need ironing. She has woken up later than she expected so there is no time to wash her hair. Pulling out the pieces from her luggage she hurriedly dresses and goes downstairs to quickly eat her breakfast.

“I’m dreading the journey on the bus today” she says to the couple beside her. Showing her displeasure with a scowl on her face. They look at her with dismay and wonder why she came on the trip in the first place.

Most of us think of happiness as a reaction to an event, but it is actually a state of mind that has very little to do with what is going on around us.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Life Lessons.

It has always been interesting to me how some people seem ‘glass half full’ and others ‘glass half empty’ in life. Some of the difference has to do with where we sit on the optimism versus pessimism scale of human personality. Each of us has a ‘set point’ on this scale, a bit like the ‘set point’ where our weight is most comfortable and most easily maintained. The trick is to move toward the upper limits of our individual range and encourage others to do likewise.  You can read more in Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman.

Even on a tough day or in difficult circumstances happiness remains a choice. Bronnie Ware, author of The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, describes the journey she took with a woman called Rosemary. This woman had once been a high-flying executive who gained pleasure from the power she wielded from intimidating others. During the final stages of her life, Rosemary became more dependent on Bronnie as her palliative carer. She continued to use complaint and constant demands from her bed. In response Bronnie through loving care, gentle ignorance and making light of the situation opened Rosemary’s eyes to allowing happiness in. One of the common stories and regrets of the dying – ‘I wish I had let myself be happier.

How do we choose happiness? –

• Develop a practice of regular gratitude for all that you have in life. Happiness and gratitude are deeply linked. It can be the simple things that give us great satisfaction and joy.
• Fake it until you make it. Smile more times than frown, feel blessed more times than complain (although sometimes a good complaint helps to get negative emotions of your chest).
• Observe your negative talk. This can be about yourself and your life circumstances. Write freely how you are feeling then try to re frame your language to a kinder, more positive alternative.
• Set boundaries around others. Do not allow them to dictate your own level of happiness. They may not even be aware that their general conversation and demeanor brings others down. Their negativity may have gained them attention or sympathy in the past. Share a different perspective and with love give them insight into how their behaviour impacts you.

I hope that when I come toward the end of my days that I am more like the first woman. Having a perspective of deep gratitude for what has transpired in life. Reminiscing on both the joys I have experienced and the lessons I have learnt. Leaving this life with love for those I was deeply connected to. Content and happy.

Happiness is the pleasant emotion we strive for in life. In our hearts and minds we want and deserve to be happy. Not only in fleeting dopamine hits of bliss or joy. Instead we want this positive feeling to be sustained as part of our general mood. A sense of lasting contentment over time.

It can feel elusive. Especially if we are overcome with the external circumstances of our lives. The story we tell ourselves that ‘I will be happy when’ can rob us of the ability to seek happiness in our current situation, even as we dream of the future.  At times, we must give ourselves permission to be happy rather than feel guilt about feeling that way when others are worse off than ourselves. The last few months of world events have individually challenged us to hold empathy and compassion for others while retaining our own inner happiness.

The very purpose of our life is to seek happiness

DALAI LAMA

During life we can search for happiness in the wrong places. Happiness is not bound by wealth. If we have a comfortable level of finances that supply our basic needs and some available for enjoyment, we are living at a sustained level of potential happiness. Increased wealth has not been found to equate to increased happiness.

Happiness is not obtained by complicating life with endless striving for material possessions. The appetite for ‘things’ is never satisfied. The more you acquire, the more you want. Many people in later years find that they are disposing of their material possessions as they downsize. Unsurprisingly they are also finding contentment in having less to care for.

Happiness is also not found in being self-absorbed. We find happiness when we surround ourselves with others. They can be a great source of confiding our worries, sharing our stories, getting advice, having fun, dreaming and making plans. Serving the wider community by sharing our knowledge and abilities also creates meaning. This can be through our paid work or volunteering efforts in supporting others.

The U Curve theory of happiness points to happiness being found in the simplicity of life. When we witness a young child in awe, deeply observing objects and absorbed in play, an inner happiness is evident. Nothing is more heart melting than the belly laughs of a child content with life. As childhood disappears and adulthood emerges overall happiness level tends to decrease. Work and family commitments take priority and life becomes a balancing act of negotiating everyone’s needs. It is only when the responsibilities of work and family decrease in later life that happiness levels also rise again. Life is unhurried and choice of how to spend each day is more available. Simplicity has returned.

Where do we find happiness?

It can be found through inner growth. Expanding our life experience by having the courage to try new things and move out of a self-made comfort zone. Taking pleasure and pride in overcoming obstacles and learning new skills. Growth can come in the form of creative outlet. Finding projects that stimulate for us the lovely feeling of ‘flow’ – being so absorbed in our creativity that we lose track of time. Incorporating wellbeing practices that nurture our mind, body and spirit. Taking walks in nature, creating a space for meditation, listening to podcasts, journaling or reading are readily available activities that foster contentment.

Happiness is also found in experiences. They may be as grand as holidays and attending major events or as instantaneous as spending quality time with family and friends. While a level of happiness may be found in solo experience, it is multiplied when shared with those we love. Some of our happiest memories were unplanned but it is also true that we can be happy in anticipating future planned experiences. Maybe even more so than the experience itself.

Finally, a major contributor to our happiness is finding meaning and purpose to our lives. The people of Okinawa, Japan are known for their longevity and happiness level. For them Ikigai – there reason to jump out of bed each morning, is finding purpose through active participation and deep connection. The idea of retiring is remote for these people as they see contribution as essential to purpose. It may no longer be paid but is an essential ingredient of connection and well being. Finding purpose and being part of a wider community are part of our higher emotional needs.

Look for happiness in all the right places. Many of these: – simplicity, growth, experiences and meaning are readily available to you. They rely on inner choice rather than external circumstances. Particularly in the later stages of life, the unravelling of obligation and creation of new meaning can lead to a renewed sense of personal happiness.