Healing the Matriarch

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The Power of Our Story

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Imagine you were able to hold the book of your own life in your hands. It has a unique cover that clearly depicts the colours, textures and words of your existence. The chapters within symbolize you and your life journey. The title of the book would represent why you are here. The pages within give the context for what you have come here to learn, create and share with others.

Each chapter is unique. It has its own title that encompasses a specific period or event in your life. Some of the chapters are filled with happy moments and others you would rather cross out sentences or tear out pages. If not, you would dearly love to rewrite them from a new perspective.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

The story has paused just at this moment in time where you currently inhabit. The person you see in front of you has lived the chapters before and is a representation of the culmination of all those life experiences that are uniquely yours. The past has informed who you are, yet each day is the opportunity to write a new part of your story.

Our stories are carried in our bodies. They come to us from our earliest recollections as the processing of events in our lives. They are our perceptions of the world and come delicately attached with emotional energy and memory. Our earliest stories are often written within family, our first teachers. Beyond are the cultural and community influences that shape our view of the world.

Each time we retell the story of something that has happened in our lives it is delicately edited. Surprisingly as we tell some tales of life the emotional memory surges through in a deep well of love, hurt or grief that springs from our heart, or tears that drop from our eyes. At the time we may be surprised with the vividness of our emotional response. It does not seem to matter if the event was long ago, the emotions can vividly resurface.

On each telling the story transforms anew. Parts of our recall from the moment of experience remain, while other parts become embellishments of deeper understanding framed from our life experience. We may feel the need to retell the story many times to gain further clarity or to change our perception. When a story keeps us stuck in a moment in time, we need a prompt to search for alternate memories to balance our recall and strengthen resolve to move forward. If our story is part of a larger picture it needs the validation of others for this to happen. As we hold the collective stories of struggle, hurt and grief we give each other the opportunity to recalibrate earlier chapters of our life journey.

How wonderful it is to hear each other’s stories. There are benefits for both the speaker and listener. For the speaker it is an opportunity to take what is in their mind and body – our thoughts and feelings and process them aloud. It is also the opportunity to be validated and receive insights from others. For the listener, it is an opportunity to know the speaker beyond the surface of everyday conversation. We may get the chance to understand and appreciate their underlying perspective.

If we wish to know about a man, we ask ‘What is his story, his real, inmost story? – for each of us is a biography, a story 


Oliver Sacks – The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat.

Words are powerful. When they remain within us as ruminating thoughts, they have the potential to harm us. The anxiety and depression that we feel often comes from the shame of not wanting to burden others with our inner world. Yet if we can break through the insecurities of shame, we may find that as we speak up, we are heard and understood. Even if our experience feels unique to us when we share it with others, we find they can often relate in some way. We each hold stories of love, loss and belonging.

There is something unique about telling our story. To speak our journey with each other is more powerful than reading the biographical words on a page. In the retelling of our life experience we continually re-frame who we are and why our lives matter. The stories of our lives remain lovingly imperfect. We ‘rewrite’ them each time we retell them. A beautiful opportunity to process our past and newly inform our future.

Hope for Transformation

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Our granddaughter who is thirteen came home from school yesterday complaining about being unfairly treated by one of her teachers. After some further conversation it was evident that the teacher was using an exercise to favour some students over others. This was subtly highlighting the nature of powerlessness and prejudice in society. A topical teaching amid the current painful and confusing times surrounding the death of black American George Floyd.

George Floyd was the straw on a camel’s back that has carried the load of injustice and lies.

Caroline Myss – Author

To her it was unfair and unjust that the teacher had played sides. Her teenage analysis had not been able to look past the surface to the deeper lesson on inequality below. As she chatted with us, her mother and grandmother, we were able to share a larger context on the issue. How there are those in life who have privilege and those who struggle to find their place in this world. Although we may have been created equal, life doesn’t necessarily give each of us equal opportunity, resources, or voice.

Something I took away from that intergenerational conversation is that my years of experiencing life gave a richer perspective to our conversation. Yet as an elder adult I am feeling the energy of a total collective imbalance that has occurred in this instant. There are many questions and understandings that I am grappling with right now.

As I watch the news, tears well as I hear the family of George Floyd plea for peaceful protest amongst the violence and property destruction perpetrated by a minority. Here is a man who had a family, a daughter who will not have her father for the important guidance and occasions in her life. The human story thankfully is being told amongst the media saturation.

We also see police officers kneeling in solidarity with the protesters. They know they are as stereotyped as much as the black American’s who feel rage and anger at this act of inhumanity. The voice we are not hearing is that of the police officer who took George Floyd’s life. Where was his mindset in that instant that he could not listen to the pleas of those around him to stop in that moment? What seems small in proportion to the massive outcry in response was perhaps the moment of shocking reality we needed to witness as humanity.

Photo by SOULSANA on Unsplash

How do we start to move forward from this pivotal moment in time? –

  • We need to seek a larger perspective on what has occurred. To ask the questions, to search the history of inequality that plagues our cultural and gender divide. Why is it so important to have the upper hand in a power struggle? Where we see it in the world it has led to great divides and injustice between fellow human beings. This imbalance needs to be examined and addressed.
  • Individually, we need reflection. Whether it is through prayer, meditation, or just pure appreciation of the world around us. We need to be more open to the feminine qualities within all of us. To focus on our own well being and nurturing that of others. To revert to the basic needs of love, home, and family. Ensuring these are accessible to all.
  • The change will come from all generations working together. To create within our own realms of influence critical thinking around inequality. Examining what language, beliefs and actions allow this to continue in our communities and beyond.

More than ever we need to come together across our generations. We cannot afford to sit in relative comfort, security and affluence when right before our eyes injustice happens. This brief catalyst may provide the hope for transforming our world. We are truly in this together.

The Lens of Vulnerability

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I thought I was fine. I see that I have been here before. The person who appears to be strong, capable, and coping well with life who is suddenly a beautiful mess of vulnerability. I carry my badge of bravery all too often. The eternal empath, listening ear and helper who finds it hard to reach out and share my own insecurities and frailties with others. Yet inside I feel a level of unrest and weariness from maintaining this false bravery.

We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people but we’re afraid to let them see it in us. 

Brene Brown – Daring Greatly

I am not sure where I learnt this way of coping with life. I imagine it came along in childhood as the developing traits of resilience and adaption. Perhaps I learnt to feel afraid of feeling weak, ineffectual, or distressingly exposed to others. Our culture reinforces living on the surface. The attitude of ‘you’ll be right, mate’ and offering quick fixes to avoid the listener’s discomfort discourages us from sharing with vulnerability. Instead we communicate with each other on a superficial level, while deep inside we feel anxious and barely able to hold onto our remnants of coping. We fear letting our guard down and showing our true, authentic selves with others. Do we fear not being accepted or perhaps being ridiculed?

However, we need to let people see who we are, flaws and all. In doing so we are demonstrating vulnerability in a positive light. We are asking to be seen by others and listened to. To show a richer, more authentic dimension of who we are. In turn, we are also giving others permission to step into their true nature.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

Brene Brown, a sociologist who has studied the link between shame and vulnerability, found that those who felt a keen inner sense of their self-worth and belonging also demonstrated the characteristics of courage, compassion, and connection. They were not afraid to be vulnerable with others. They had the ability to openly share their love and reach out to others without any guarantee of receiving understanding or return on their emotional investment.

Vulnerability and courage are skills we need more than ever. Life is throwing some interesting curve balls at us right now. Everything we knew about living has undergone rapid, unexpected change. We are unrehearsed in this new way of being. A life where we are more vigilant and receive less physical support from others. A hug is rare.

We focus on what we feel we can control. Hygiene practices, social distancing and educating ourselves on restrictions and case numbers. This false sense of security can deafen the underlying current of anxiety around potential realities. It is important that we can share with others what is most anxious and distressing for us right now. What are the inner mind stories we are telling ourselves?

In doing so, we may find that our thoughts and feelings are shared by others. A sense of connection, of not truly being isolated from common human responses. At the very least we may find someone who relates with empathy. Someone who can receive our pain in confidence and allow us to hear out loud what is inside our minds.

A special exhibition over the past year at the Rubin Museum of Art in New York asked visitors to anonymously write down their anxieties and hopes. Thousands of people responded – cataloging their secret fears including – dying alone or the possibility of missed opportunities in life. There were also words of hope for the overriding beauty of the world and the possibility of happiness. Observers of the exhibition were able to identify with the inner sentiments displayed on its walls.

There is a caution about showing our vulnerability. It is best done in a relationship that has some history. The person we share with needs to have earned our trust through their actions.

  • In this relationship, the vulnerability is reciprocated by each person.
  • They show empathy, relating to our concerns.
  • They keep our conversations in confidence.
  • The vulnerable moments are seen in the context of our whole personality.

When lovingly received and respected, vulnerability becomes a beautiful skill of connection. When someone shares their inner anxieties and hopes the possibility of being hurt helps open the door to a more genuine, intimate interaction.

Does life begin at 50?

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How will you spend your 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and even perhaps your 90’s. If you believe the rhetoric about aging you will presume your life is over once you turn 50. Yet the research does not support this. There are amazing examples to inspire us into action for a happier and healthier aging journey.

Photo by Matt Heaton on Unsplash

Living longer is a relatively new phenomenon. When we look at photographs of people in previous generations, they look much older than their modern-day counterparts. One of the benefits of current times is the medical advances in preventing and treating ailments that would previously have led to our demise.  With the prolific nature of online information, we have more knowledge about remaining active and nurturing our well being. We have more information and access to healthy dietary choices. We believe in the adage ‘use it or lose it’ for both our physical and mental abilities.

The notion of ‘being old’ is a mental perception. If our focus is on negative beliefs such as boredom, failing health, lack of purpose and inactivity; we soon become what we think. Unfortunately, we live in a world that tends to idolize beauty and youth. This makes it difficult for people approaching middle age to accept and embrace the idea of getting older.

Turning 50 may be a watershed moment in time when a lot of people try to ‘stay young’, to do things the way they did before, to follow the same goals, to live with the same values based on the worship of youth. Alternatively, 50 can herald a new stage of life which needs to be explored and redefined. We are among the first of a generation with increased longevity. We are breaking new ground on what it means to get older. 50 may only be the midpoint of your life.

Studies dispute the negative conditioning we have toward aging.  Two distinct age groups score highest on levels of happiness. The first is those in their early twenties who tend to overestimate the possibilities of their future. They believe the world is their oyster and they are invincible. Yet life experiences and responsibilities that follow tend to dampen the over enthusiasm of this age.

It is not until the late sixties that another peak in happiness occurs. This time the elevated score is based on a more realistic assessment of life. A gratitude and acceptance of our lived experience; appreciating the wisdom gained and lessons learnt. It can also be a time when, no longer held down by responsibilities of work and family, people hit their stride. They remember passions and interests they now have time to enjoy. Thankfully, this elevated level of happiness is maintained until well into old age.

A good self esteem is based on accepting the life stage you are inhabiting. Yes, we are still the older generations that inhabit this world. Our images and role models need to be encouraging, inspiring and heart-warming. Younger generations want to know that life can be lived fully through all decades. Russian journalist and photographer Vladimir Yakovlev developed the international ‘Age of Happiness Project’ to highlight examples of finding new interests and purpose in later life. He told stories and photographed older people pursuing their passions, many of them physically demanding. The 78-year-old skate boarder who took up skateboarding for the first time at 65, the 72 year old DJ and the 102 year old cyclist are just a few of the inspiring examples.

Psychologist Eric Erickson identified the late adult stage of life as a time of personal reflection. People can either look back on their life with integrity if well lived, or with despair if they focus on their failures. The following questions can inform our reflection: –

  • Have we lived life to the full, retaining good physical fitness for as long as possible?
  • Have we accepted life for what it is, enjoying the ‘ordinary’ everyday experiences, rather than longing for an alternate reality?
  • Have we contributed to the wider community beyond ourselves?
  • Have we continually expanded our mental and physical horizons?
  • Have we found a deeper meaning and purpose that leaves a legacy beyond our physical existence?

The years beyond our 50th birthday will continue to inform our perception of life. If we see this time as valuable and one to embrace, there is an opportunity to continue to lead a life well lived.

March 2026
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