I have been fascinated by the idea of Emotional Intelligence for a long time. Daniel Goleman wrote his book on this subject twenty-five years ago and it has captured the attention of both the business and education world. The strategies of emotional intelligence also have application and relevance in our everyday lives.
When we think of communication and language the focus tends to be on the spoken word. The words we say to others are only part of the communication equation. We tell others more about our thoughts and feelings from the non-verbal communication that takes place. We speak in our silence. In the moments when it is too painful to get our words out or we fear how they will be received. We speak in our body language. ‘Saying’ I love you in a held hand or hug. Alternatively, in the avoidance of connection and acceptance by stepping away from another.
Our faces tell much about our emotional life. Different emotions produce different facial expressions. It is not always easy to decipher the meanings from how our faces contort without the words to help reinforce the message. Our bodies also show postures that are either opening and accepting or closed and rejecting. Our communication system is body wide.
It makes you wonder how children learn to communicate in both verbal and non-verbal ways. If you watch young children, they observe us intently, mentally grasping our words and gestures. They are internally processing language within the brain, understanding much more than they can say in the early years. Children are also amazing observers and mimics of our emotional state.
During our lives we are developing knowledge about our world. Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage our own emotions and those of the people around us. When someone has a high degree of emotional intelligence: – they know what they are feeling, what their emotions mean and how they affect others. Emotional Intelligence is a set of skills that can be improved on with effort and understanding. It is a work in progress, as skills such as conflict resolution may always remain difficult for us in our professional and personal lives.
“No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”
Theodore Roosevelt
How can we cultivate Emotional Intelligence?
Self-Awareness: At any given moment we can tune into our own emotional state. It requires observing and questioning (applied mindfulness). Why am I feeling this way? How is it impacting my day and the people around me? Is there a purpose behind my behaviour? Without this observation we can be whirlwinds of emotion. Creating a pessimistic mood that impacts both ourselves and others.
Self – Management: Individually we are responsible for our emotional responses. Particularly in how we deal with the more disturbing emotions of anger, sorrow, and frustration. Two mindsets are helpful. They are adaptability and determination. The recent new reality of Covid 19 has seen substantial changes in our lives. Adapting to these changes and having the agility to switch direction in our thoughts and actions are valuable skills. We can face the challenges we are experiencing keeping in mind that life is always changing. What is occurring now, and who we are, can be different in a year or five years’ time.
Empathy – This is the ability to be able to tune into other people. Being fully present in a conversation, avoiding distractions. It requires making generous time for others and the ability to really listen before responding or giving advice. A helpful strategy is to reflect back what you have heard, to clarify for both the person talking and yourself that you understand what they have shared.
Relationship – How do we persuade, inspire, and motivate others? These are all heart skills where we help each other find common direction. It may begin with effectively managing conflict by finding ‘good enough’ solutions, so each person feels a sense of satisfaction moving forward. Conflict resolution is not an easy task and requires the ability to have difficult and honest conversations. We often feel highly anxious prior to this type of conversation. Goleman suggests focusing on the other person and formulating what we are going to say in a way that: –
- Can be heard and understood by the person.
- That will not trigger the person to shut down. Our aim is for them to be receptive to what we are saying.
Emotional Intelligence is a skill set that can develop throughout our lives. It enables us to enrich our understanding of our own emotional landscape. It also supports our ability to have deeper and more mindful relationships with others. Start with a skill you feel good at. This will give you the motivation to persevere with other skills you wish to build.
