As humans we usually care deeply about others, particularly our inner circle of those we love: our family and friends. During the world events and natural disasters of this year, our compassion has broadened to strangers as we hear of their traumatic encounters. In some small sense we can empathize or put ourselves in their shoes, yet be grateful that we are not in the direct line of their experience. If we are in professions where we experience the distress of others on a daily basis we can suffer an overload of our ability for compassion.
I’ve recently become fascinated by the term ‘Compassion Fatigue’. It has crystallized yet another layer of understanding on many of my own life lessons. The term basically means arriving at the state of ‘being sick and tired of endless caring’. The feeling of inner distress we might experience in consistently being there for others. It can lead to empathy burnout and a range of physical and emotional symptoms.
Surprisingly, although we may not be the one initially suffering (for example: the crying baby, frustrated child, sullen teenager or ailing elder) we can take on a distant, or secondary trauma response. For more in-depth information head to the Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project website. https://www.compassionfatigue.org
The signs of compassion fatigue include feeling you are running on an ‘empty tank’ both physically and emotionally. You may feel apathy and a general disinterest in life. Relationships around you can become tense and emotionally reactive. If that makes you uncomfortable, you may retreat from people and situations to ‘shut the door’ so you can block the uncomfortable stimuli. Physical ailments such as sleep disruptions, headaches and general pain can surface.
Unfortunately, compassion fatigue often plays out in our everyday lives, particularly when we are parents. It is such an emotional investment of our time and energy and we feel the need to be 100% present, particularly when our children are small. Anticipating the needs of young children, when they are not able to fully express themselves, is mind boggling. Without the support and understanding of those closest to us it is easy to become overwhelmed and frustrated on a regular basis. That is something I wish I had known about parenthood.
” You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first”
Unknown
A dysfunctional cycle can evolve. Rather than being able to respond to our children with consistent warmth and understanding, our default could instead produce a cold, emotionally sterile response. We focus on providing the basic needs while our children are after our loving attention. This creates a continual cycle of interactions between parent and child, where the child’s bid for attention goes unnoticed so they respond with challenging behaviours e.g. crying, whining, hurting siblings, damaging objects around the home. This triggers the compassion fatigue responses – anger, overwhelm or retreat – in their parent. None of which helps either the adult or child. It is important to find ways to help break this cycle.
Later in life compassion fatigue can play out in caring for elderly parents. This situation has been dubbed the ‘sandwich generation’ where adults, having parented their children, now face the care and responsibility of their own parents. The same symptoms and behavioural responses can apply. We become emotionally reactive to them and those around us and if we retreat with overwhelm it may be interpreted, not as a trauma response, but as appearing uncaring.
So, in what ways can we overcome compassion fatigue if we begin to recognize it in ourselves?
- Self-reflection by asking the question – When was the last time I felt like me? In doing so you will be able to identify the timing and situation that has led to how you currently feel. You will probably not be able to change the reality right now, yet awareness is a first step in finding solutions to support your journey.
- Self-compassion by extending compassion to the person who needs it the most – yourself. Acknowledge the tough situation you are in right now, feel the emotions and know it’s OK to express them. Recognize that fatigued care-giving is totally normal under your circumstances.
Care for your own needs as you have so lovingly done for others. Prioritize your self-care with rest and sleep, opportunities for exercise and nutritious meals. Take time to create opportunities for solitude and silence, grounding with walks in nature and simple awareness by slowing down the amount and timing of everyday tasks. Perhaps instead of accomplishing X, Y and Z on your ‘to do’ list, focus on X, and experience it more fully. Particularly with babies and young children – the less stimulation and change, the easier it is to soothe them.
- Self-preservation by setting boundaries with others who drain your limited time or energy, whether it’s family, friends, or outside commitments. Seek out others who, once aware, may be happy to offer a helping hand. Often this is a wonderful way to connect those looking for help with those craving a sense of purpose in their lives. Its a great way to build inter-generational and in generation (where families may be at different stages of parenting) supportive networks.
Compassion fatigue is a very real risk to the quality of our lives. We may not realize that we are experiencing it until we recognize that it is triggering our behaviour. Identifying the signs in both ourselves and others is a valuable start to crafting supportive and sustainable solutions.