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Archives for September 2020

Taking the journey to change

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One thing we can be sure of in life is that change is inevitable. How we react to changes in our circumstance matters. If we embrace a change it can create increased awareness and curiosity. Alternatively, change can cause us to become frustrated, angry, and stuck unable to move forward. Even small changes have the potential to throw us off balance.

Life will continue to give us both small and large changes of circumstance to deal with. We can be aware of our responses and give ourselves compassion when the changes are unwelcome. Part of being who we are is living through the struggles presented to us in our lives. We are not alone in having to deal with them and that can be comforting to know. Practicing how we deal with change when it arises can help us become open to action and build strategies as needed.

Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

Perhaps you are currently facing two courses of action, that inevitable ‘fork in the road’ or ‘sliding door moment’. Do you continue on your current path or take the opportunity to take a new direction? When this occurs, it is wise to take time out to investigate the inevitable tug-a-war the possibility of a change brings. Here is a framework for inquiry based on ‘The Great Work of Your Life – A Guide for the Journey to Your True Calling’ by Stephen Cope.

  1. Ask for guidance about the change. This might be a spiritual quest e.g. prayer or naming the change – saying our plans out loud. It may be helpful to create a vision board of images and words that reflect where you are now and where you would like to be.
  2. Actively listen to the response. – Yes, this feels right. I am excited about this new path. What emotions emerge as we ‘name’ the change.
  3. When the response is positive check it with reality. Speak to others about your possible plans – those directly impacted by the change and people you trust. Test their guidance under ongoing scrutiny of your plan. Are there concerns or negative reactions from others? Are these valid or based on fear or dependency? Can these concerns be addressed?
  4. Once you get clarity that this change looks positive, wait to act. Important decisions cannot be hurried. Slow down the action and investigate this new path deliberately and relentlessly. Vision the change. Does it serve everyone directly affected by the decision.
  5. Ask for courage to act. You may find you don’t have the courage to make the change at this time. You can focus on developing the willingness to act. Saying yes to the possibility.
  6. Let go of the sense of risk and the need to eliminate risk from your decisions and the consequent actions. Identifying risk is only an indication that you are at an important crossroad. Attempting to eliminate risk can lead to paralysis of action. We never get 100% certainty in moving forward.
  7. Move forward methodically. Begin to take actions that support your choice of a new pathway in life. This is critical for keeping the process moving. Seek advice and guidance as you act. Feel intuitively the doors opening toward your new path.
  8. Let go of the outcome. Don’t cling to expectations of how the change will evolve. There is no measure of success or failure. You are embarking on a new adventure.

The hardest work comes in getting to the decision. Once made it’s as if invisible tracks roll the decision into action. Opportunities arise with some ease. Solutions become apparent. Moving through each step allows the chance to test the validity of the direction you are taking. Asking along the way the question – Is this right for me?

What we all need to know about Compassion Fatigue

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As humans we usually care deeply about others, particularly our inner circle of those we love: our family and friends. During the world events and natural disasters of this year, our compassion has broadened to strangers as we hear of their traumatic encounters. In some small sense we can empathize or put ourselves in their shoes, yet be grateful that we are not in the direct line of their experience. If we are in professions where we experience the distress of others on a daily basis we can suffer an overload of our ability for compassion.

I’ve recently become fascinated by the term ‘Compassion Fatigue’. It has crystallized yet another layer of understanding on many of my own life lessons. The term basically means arriving at the state of ‘being sick and tired of endless caring’. The feeling of inner distress we might experience in consistently being there for others. It can lead to empathy burnout and a range of physical and emotional symptoms.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Surprisingly, although we may not be the one initially suffering (for example: the crying baby, frustrated child, sullen teenager or ailing elder) we can take on a distant, or secondary trauma response. For more in-depth information head to the Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project website. https://www.compassionfatigue.org 

The signs of compassion fatigue include feeling you are running on an ‘empty tank’ both physically and emotionally. You may feel apathy and a general disinterest in life. Relationships around you can become tense and emotionally reactive. If that makes you uncomfortable, you may retreat from people and situations to ‘shut the door’ so you can block the uncomfortable stimuli. Physical ailments such as sleep disruptions, headaches and general pain can surface.

Unfortunately, compassion fatigue often plays out in our everyday lives, particularly when we are parents. It is such an emotional investment of our time and energy and we feel the need to be 100% present, particularly when our children are small. Anticipating the needs of young children, when they are not able to fully express themselves, is mind boggling. Without the support and understanding of those closest to us it is easy to become overwhelmed and frustrated on a regular basis. That is something I wish I had known about parenthood.

” You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first”

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A dysfunctional cycle can evolve. Rather than being able to respond to our children with consistent warmth and understanding, our default could instead produce a cold, emotionally sterile response. We focus on providing the basic needs while our children are after our loving attention. This creates a continual cycle of interactions between parent and child, where the child’s bid for attention goes unnoticed so they respond with challenging behaviours e.g. crying, whining, hurting siblings, damaging objects around the home. This triggers the compassion fatigue responses – anger, overwhelm or retreat – in their parent. None of which helps either the adult or child. It is important to find ways to help break this cycle.

Later in life compassion fatigue can play out in caring for elderly parents. This situation has been dubbed the ‘sandwich generation’ where adults, having parented their children, now face the care and responsibility of their own parents. The same symptoms and behavioural responses can apply. We become emotionally reactive to them and those around us and if we retreat with overwhelm it may be interpreted, not as a trauma response, but as appearing uncaring.

So, in what ways can we overcome compassion fatigue if we begin to recognize it in ourselves?

  • Self-reflection by asking the question – When was the last time I felt like me? In doing so you will be able to identify the timing and situation that has led to how you currently feel. You will probably not be able to change the reality right now, yet awareness is a first step in finding solutions to support your journey.
  • Self-compassion by extending compassion to the person who needs it the most – yourself. Acknowledge the tough situation you are in right now, feel the emotions and know it’s OK to express them. Recognize that fatigued care-giving is totally normal under your circumstances.

Care for your own needs as you have so lovingly done for others.  Prioritize your self-care with rest and sleep, opportunities for exercise and nutritious meals. Take time to create opportunities for solitude and silence, grounding with walks in nature and simple awareness by slowing down the amount and timing of everyday tasks. Perhaps instead of accomplishing X, Y and Z on your ‘to do’ list, focus on X, and experience it more fully. Particularly with babies and young children – the less stimulation and change, the easier it is to soothe them.

  • Self-preservation by setting boundaries with others who drain your limited time or energy, whether it’s family, friends, or outside commitments. Seek out others who, once aware, may be happy to offer a helping hand. Often this is a wonderful way to connect those looking for help with those craving a sense of purpose in their lives. Its a great way to build inter-generational and in generation (where families may be at different stages of parenting) supportive networks.

Compassion fatigue is a very real risk to the quality of our lives. We may not realize that we are experiencing it until we recognize that it is triggering our behaviour. Identifying the signs in both ourselves and others is a valuable start to crafting supportive and sustainable solutions.

Matriarch Wisdom – Advice for My Younger Self

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As we move through each decade of our lives we have the opportunity to reflect upon our journey. We see our younger selves and our experiences mirrored in the young women and girls around us. Some of those are our sisters, girlfriends, work colleagues, daughters, and granddaughters. We know we cannot go back in time to replay, amend, or erase our own previous life experiences. What we do have is the opportunity to reflect on the lessons learnt and impart the wisdom we have gained.

mother and daughter standing on cliffs
Photo by Simon Rae on Unsplash

Recently I have noticed that many women seemed disengaged from really connecting on Social Media.  While they scroll through their feeds adding the occasional like, love or emoji; comments and responses to each other’s thoughts are less likely. Women’s lives are a constant juggling act and they are reluctant to share as they may have been previously hurt by the opinions and actions of others. At times, women can be each other’s worst enemy.

The real magic of connection seems to be happening within private Facebook Groups. Here women possibly feel more comfortable to share and interact with each other and the group’s content. Administrators of the group monitor the comments on posts and ensure group members adhere to rules such as confidentiality, kindness, courtesy and respect.

This week I posed a question for those in our private Facebook group – Healing the Matriarch Community. It is accessible to preview via the community section of the Healing the Matriarch Facebook page. I was keen to know their answer to the following question –

‘What is one piece of wisdom you would give your younger self?’.

Their collective wisdom has been captured below. –

‘Remember to live in the moment because time goes by so quickly. Enjoy the good times. Breathe through the bad’ – Karen.

‘Listen to what your soul is saying to you’ – Ester.

‘Follow your heart and don’t allow the judgments of others to undermine your self-worth’ – Bernie

‘Stop letting others determine your self-esteem and value’ – Glenda.

‘Enjoy the moments! They become our best memories’ – Joy.

‘Manage to do your best from one day to the next. Your best may be different each day’ – Myrell.

‘Stop making yourself feel small, you are as important as the next person’ – Marilla.

‘Taking time for yourself isn’t a luxury, its essential’ – Ann

‘You are beautiful, you are strong, you are worthy and you are capable of doing and being anything you want. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise’ – Belinda Jane.

‘Everything you experience and everyone you meet has a reason and a lesson to teach. Good or bad, you will grow from each moment’ – Rachael.

The beautiful wisdom these women have encapsulated in their words is precious. As older women, it is important to recognize that the experiences of our younger days have made us into the courageous and vulnerable women we are today. It is in finding our voice and sharing our insights that we can emerge into our own wisdom. We not only empathize with our younger, more naive self. We guide younger generations of women.

Just like us, they will falter and make a multitude of mistakes along the way. In our collective support we all benefit. No longer feeling we need to be superheroes or perfect, instead being real women having the real experience of living our lives.

The Invisible Women – Disengagement on Social Media

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I began writing a blog for women – Healing the Matriarch, in the stillness and isolation of the Covid 19 pandemic. It became a way for me to find my unique voice, gain clarity around my personal journey and pay it forward to other women. As part of my emergence I also established a social media presence on Facebook. A page for the blog posts to be visible and a private group community for women to engage within.


Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

It has been an interesting journey and one that has given me an insight not only into my own life, but that of women in general. One thing I have noticed is the lack of older women engaging on social media. I say the word, engaging, as what I see is women observing and reading the posts of others, perhaps a like or love emoji here or there. They are not fully engaging with their friends on newsfeeds, on pages or within groups. There are exceptions of course, as I am part of some interesting groups. Some spaces I engage in more than others, but if I have something to offer to a post I try to thoughtfully contribute.

So, what is going on here? When I speak to women face to face in my physical community they tell me they are reading my blog. That usually surprises me as I am not seeing the numbers of women who are quietly observing and reading translate into comments on my posts. The private Facebook group I established is slowly growing, but an equal number of women have been previewing the content. This has not translated into either accepting or declining my invitation to join the group. I think to myself, maybe it shouldn’t matter as I am more interested in quality over quantity connection. Yet at times it can feel like a one-sided relationship where I am investing the most energy. In a real-life interaction this imbalance can be hard work.

It brings me back to the question – So what is going on here?

Women can be each other’s worst enemies. The insecurity a woman feels comes from previous experience of being judged or criticized by others. It may be around a behaviour, a relationship, or an opinion. This has worked to cause women to retreat from engagement fearing ridicule or worse. At times, we have forgotten to step in each other’s shoes and show empathy and compassion. We can say or do something that hurts another woman, often without realizing. The only solution is to keep communication open. To speak up when something hurts us and resolve these hurts with each other quickly. A liberating move. Without it, the courage to step into our own authenticity and self-acceptance is a tall order.

Women have lost their voice – In childhood, a woman may have been told to stop talking and go and play away from their parents. They may have received the message that they are to be unseen, unheard and have little to contribute to conversations. As a teacher, I saw little girls asserting their personalities and voices, yet sometimes they quickly learnt what is expected and later uncool in their friendship groups. As they bloom into young women, are their voices equally heard in their marriages and workplaces?

My heart goes out to women in their adult years who squander their potential because they don’t see it in themselves. We need to lift each other up, notice and acknowledge the wonderful gifts and talents we see. We also need to give each other permission and confidence to say, ‘This is me, this is my story’. Not so much in the voice of a victim, more as a heroine who has overcome the odds. To allow each of us to inspire others and in turn be inspired.

Women are overwhelmed – Many adult women have way too much on their plate. They juggle relationships, work, and family without often taking a break. As women, they are emotionally and physically invested in their roles. They also feel the judgement of their ability to perform this juggling act on a regular basis.

When it comes to the end of the day they are often too numb to do anything other than a quick scroll of social media or interesting articles. They are afraid to add any more layers on their lives, even if the connection, support, or information they may gain would be invaluable for their journey.

Even once women have more time on their hands – past motherhood and work life, they are afraid of the emotional investment of engaging with others. They didn’t grow up with social media, so it sometimes appears complicated and messy. Yet with a little ‘Marie Condo’ to declutter what’s valuable and relevant to them, they can enhance the experience.

What is your opinion or thoughts on why older women are not fully engaged on Social Media? Has your experience been frustrating, uncomfortable, or irrelevant to your life?

As difficult as it seems, if women can find the bravery to share their thoughts and stories, they will find they are not alone. In speaking up and engaging, on social media and in life, they will find their kindred women to share life’s journey. Perhaps the time is right to make space for each of us to value ourselves, become vulnerable, and seek deeper connection.

September 2020
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