As I look back on my journey as a mother I sense it as one of the most fulfilling roles in my life. I was ‘meant’ to be a mother, yet it was definitely not easy and some days it would exhaust me to the core. I began motherhood in my mid-twenties, two years after marrying my husband. At the time we were only just entering adulthood ourselves. Neither of us really knew what we were getting into, and I suspect no-one truly does. Here are some retrospective thoughts I would share with women (and their partners) contemplating or already in the throes of the parenting role.
There is no manual: –
My university education and profession were in early childhood teaching. I have over the years accumulated an intimate knowledge of young children’s development. Once I fell pregnant, I thought I might be a bit ahead of the ball game with this parenting thing, and so did my husband. Our expectations of what life would be like with a newborn were quickly brought down to earth when she arrived. I can honestly say that nothing prepares you for the first three months of your first child’s life.
The intricacies of this tiny creature are learnt on the job. Feeding, settling, endless washing and nappy changing become mind boggling. You will search for patterns of behaviour and everyday your baby will bring a new one. It will not be until months down the track that you finally surface back into the world and feel you have any idea of what you are supposed to do.
So: Be kind to yourself. Just be with your baby and surround them with your love. Support each other as parents as this has been a huge transition and it will take time to feel your way. Don’t take the words of the parenting books and information too much to heart unless it mirrors the reality of your experience. Seek out other young parents and if in doubt ask for some professional reassurance. You will be fine; no-one expects perfection and babies are resilient to all the attempts we make to work them out.
It will change your life: –
I love when I hear conversation from a young couple who glowingly say that their baby will fit right into their lifestyle (not the other way around). Once they are parents it soon becomes evident that the baby becomes central to the family and their needs become paramount. While it is a brave stance to take, I believe it has some merit. Once you have children being a family takes priority, yet it is also important to advocate for time for yourself and as a couple.
Having your first child, and then their subsequent siblings, is the quickest way to become less self-focused. The beautiful life lesson of parenthood is that part of our maturity in life is to step into adulthood and its responsibilities. That includes caring deeply about not only our partner, but also our growing family. We are no longer the centre of our own universe. The skills we learn are also helpful outside the parenting arena – effective communication, leadership, and prioritizing responsibilities.
The job of parenting is best done with massive support from each other, family, friends, and others in our community. Families need our support throughout the journey of parenthood, and we need the contribution and energy of families in our community.
So: View becoming a mother (and father) as a vocation with the greatest life lessons. Your children will teach you more about yourself and life than any book or other person. Embrace the role knowing it is a continual evolution with your children. Keep a sense of fun, adventure and laugh a lot together.
Along the way, keep a sense of who you are as a person and as a couple. Find ways to create the delicate balance between your own interests, your partners, and those of your growing family.
It’s a lifelong assignment: –
My husband and I are now beyond the ‘empty nest’. Our children are now parents themselves and we have five beautiful grandchildren. We have celebrated our children’s achievements through the years. We have worried sick about them at times. We’ve tried to reserve judgement, on most occasions, as we moved to the sidelines and allowed them to step closer to independence. It has been an incremental journey. One that starts with the helpless newborn to the inquisitive child and then the petulant and distant adolescent. We’ve had to give them huge amounts of space as they left the family nest only to find them understanding us more and seeking our advice and support once they became parents themselves. A beautiful full circle.
So: – Conserve your energy along the parenting journey. After all, it is a marathon, not a sprint. At times it seems a lifetime away that your children will be adults. Yet time will fly and there will be so many memories to recall. As much as you will mould them in the process, they will also mould you.
There is a life after parenthood.
Once you reach the vantage point beyond parenting, you realize that there is another horizon. A time to uncover pastimes, passions, and skills from the past. Some perhaps from well before your children were born. Its also a time to take on interests and adventures that are completely new.
You may surprise your children with hidden talents, accumulated wisdom, and things they didn’t know about you as a person. Your children now have the opportunity to appreciate you as an equal. You’ll continue to be their constant example of future possibilities.
I genuinely believe there is a time for everything. Priorities change over our lives. There will be opportunities to experience what life has to offer, but not necessarily everything at the same time. Embrace the role of parenthood while you can.