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Have you Failed to Speak Up in Life?

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Giving an opinion or voicing concern can feel scary. Many of us shy away from legitimately saying what we feel, desire, or believe about a particular situation. It is only when the opportunity has passed that we look back and wished we had spoken our truth or added our perspective to a particular conversation.

Photo by Robinson Recalde on Unsplash

Older women may have been raised to remain quiet and in the background. Voicing our views seen as dominance, loudness, behaving out of character or ‘unladylike’. From our childhood, we may have felt an unsaid expectation that our views held less weight than those of our fathers, brothers, and male friends. We impress with our demureness, gentleness, and femininity rather than with our boisterous behaviour. We sense the approval of others through acting appropriately and sensibly. Helping others feel at ease rather than allowing them to sit in discomfort.

Yet have these beliefs served us? Looking back on my own life I can see times when I kept the peace rather than voice something that was important to me. The consequences have allowed situations to remain toxic and unresolved over time. I stayed in friendships and relationships too long, disappointed that I did not speak up to change the dynamic or simply speak my truth and walk away. I held onto ideas that I could have shared in my workplace fearing they would be rejected or ridiculed. At times I stayed silent against injustices I could have advocated for. It is sad to think I could have made a difference in someone else’s life. If only I had found my voice.

Speaking up requires a degree of courage. An ability to respond with love rather than fear. When we speak up, we can show love for another or voice our own needs in a way that highlights the love and respect we have for ourselves. When we remain silent, it leaves the platform open for others to cross behavioural boundaries, dominate our decision making and leave us powerless. If we sit in unwilling fear, it is at the detriment of our own sense of self and worth.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”.

Neale Donald Walsch

The dynamic of a relationship may require us to find distance for ourselves for a while. To take the opportunity to work on our confidence and self-respect. To see our worthiness and ability to take up space physically and vocally in this world. To examine our need to ‘people please’- considering the needs/choices of others over our own, in order to be accepted. We may also need to develop the strength to accept that other’s may not like our opinion, particularly when they are not used to hearing it. Speaking confidently and respectfully is a skill of communicating with emotional intelligence.

Start with small ways to speak up. Courteously expressing an alternate opinion in conversation with others. Confidently voicing choices that resonate with your own desires or needs. As you practice, reflect on how you are increasingly speaking your truth. You may be surprised that others value your opinion rather than reject it. That they consider or ask for your unique ‘take on the world’.

We can go through life sitting on the sidelines. Feeling our opinions are not valuable or appreciated by others. It takes confidence and courage to find our voice, particularly if we put the reactions of others before our own expression. Imagine the possibilities of being vulnerable enough to share your opinions more openly. The reward is in finding your deeper, more authentic, and less censored sense of self.

7 Attributes of the Wise Woman

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The wise woman has a wealth of life experience to draw on. She has spent decades bringing up a family, contributing to her community through work and volunteering, and nurturing others.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Now is the time for her to refocus her attention and reassess what is important as she steps into this new part of life. The time of the wise woman brings the opportunity to draw on knowing herself well and living her true essence. There is certainly life to live beyond the age of 50.

What are the characteristic of the Wise Woman?

1. She creates balance in her life

The Wise Woman has the capacity to retain her identity within the relationships in her life. She makes time and allows space for herself and enjoying activities she loves. She takes time for her personal care. She has a strong sense of identity and feeling of self-worth.

Many women enjoy motherhood but may find that they lose a sense of their own identity outside the mother role. When they are emptying their nest, they can no longer hold onto the active role created – nurturing their children. They may lose confidence in their ability to stand confidently and identify themselves outside the role.  Who am I if I am not a mother?

2. She fosters deep, nurturing connections

 The Wise Woman creates support structures around her so she can maintain connection with the outside world, her friends and interests. These nurturing and meaningful connections continue to be important for women later in life.

Motherhood may have led to feelings of isolation and loneliness. New connections based on shared life experience can form at any time of life. These nurture our sense of well-being and provide opportunities to work with others on contributing to the wider community.

3. She enjoys Self-Awareness and Personal Growth

The Wise Woman can rediscover her needs, desires, gifts and talents. Perhaps during motherhood personal focus was put on the backburner as she prioritized the needs of her family. With her children’s independence she may feel a sense of lacking purpose. Sadness, anxiety and depression may emerge. A void appears where a busy family life existed.

See this as an opportunity to grow, evolve and let go of the previous identity. This can be accomplished by a ritual of completion of the role and a time of personal inner growth. It is possible to create a new unique path that reflects this growth.

4. She chooses Adventure and Purpose

The Wise Woman sees each day as precious. She practices gratitude and presence. She is motivated to seek new adventures. This is the time of fun, excitement and following interests and passions. From this, new purpose can evolve.

Life is a journey. We can live with regret for past choices and sacrifices, feeling life no longer holds joy. We can blame others for our life circumstances. Yet with courage, forgiveness and understanding we can move beyond regret to create the life we love living

5. She thrives in Life

The Wise Woman plans and actions daily practices that sustain her life. She balances rest and activity. She is mindful of her thoughts and emotions and creates ways to express and release what does not serve her.

She builds a sense of skill independence so she can take good care of herself. This may be in financial literacy, technical and practical tasks. She is comfortable seeking advice when needed. She builds competence from the courage to make decisions and act on them.

The alternate is to allow life to ‘just happen’. This can lead to fear of the future, lack of direction and dependence on others.

6. She balances ‘Being’ with ‘Doing’

The Wise Woman prioritises her energy level. Through her ability to switch off from the world and recharge she creates a calm state and spaciousness to inform her daily activity. She appreciates herself, others and living within the world.

When she is in ‘doing’ mode she is not filling her day with a treadmill of activity. At times this is done to avoid negative thoughts and emotions. With mindfulness she can observe and process her inner world.

7. She lives Authentically

The Wise Woman has the courage to voice what is important to her and honour her decisions, particularly on what matters. She lives with a vulnerability and faith in the universe to support her.

Living inauthentically can show up as listening more than sharing in conversation and feeling you are ‘taking up space’ in other people’s lives. When we are not voicing our own needs, we may be operating from a fear of abandonment and lack of vulnerability in our relationships.

The Wise Woman is an evolving creature. She has so much lived experience and wisdom to draw upon. Which of these attributes do you think are most important for women to develop as they age? Are there other attributes that could be added to this list?

Communicating with Emotional Intelligence

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I have been fascinated by the idea of Emotional Intelligence for a long time. Daniel Goleman wrote his book on this subject twenty-five years ago and it has captured the attention of both the business and education world. The strategies of emotional intelligence also have application and relevance in our everyday lives.

When we think of communication and language the focus tends to be on the spoken word. The words we say to others are only part of the communication equation. We tell others more about our thoughts and feelings from the non-verbal communication that takes place. We speak in our silence. In the moments when it is too painful to get our words out or we fear how they will be received. We speak in our body language. ‘Saying’ I love you in a held hand or hug. Alternatively, in the avoidance of connection and acceptance by stepping away from another.

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

Our faces tell much about our emotional life. Different emotions produce different facial expressions. It is not always easy to decipher the meanings from how our faces contort without the words to help reinforce the message. Our bodies also show postures that are either opening and accepting or closed and rejecting. Our communication system is body wide.

It makes you wonder how children learn to communicate in both verbal and non-verbal ways. If you watch young children, they observe us intently, mentally grasping our words and gestures. They are internally processing language within the brain, understanding much more than they can say in the early years. Children are also amazing observers and mimics of our emotional state.

During our lives we are developing knowledge about our world. Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage our own emotions and those of the people around us. When someone has a high degree of emotional intelligence: – they know what they are feeling, what their emotions mean and how they affect others.  Emotional Intelligence is a set of skills that can be improved on with effort and understanding. It is a work in progress, as skills such as conflict resolution may always remain difficult for us in our professional and personal lives.

“No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Theodore Roosevelt

How can we cultivate Emotional Intelligence?

Self-Awareness: At any given moment we can tune into our own emotional state. It requires observing and questioning (applied mindfulness). Why am I feeling this way? How is it impacting my day and the people around me? Is there a purpose behind my behaviour? Without this observation we can be whirlwinds of emotion. Creating a pessimistic mood that impacts both ourselves and others.

Self – Management: Individually we are responsible for our emotional responses. Particularly in how we deal with the more disturbing emotions of anger, sorrow, and frustration. Two mindsets are helpful. They are adaptability and determination. The recent new reality of Covid 19 has seen substantial changes in our lives. Adapting to these changes and having the agility to switch direction in our thoughts and actions are valuable skills. We can face the challenges we are experiencing keeping in mind that life is always changing. What is occurring now, and who we are, can be different in a year or five years’ time.

Empathy – This is the ability to be able to tune into other people. Being fully present in a conversation, avoiding distractions. It requires making generous time for others and the ability to really listen before responding or giving advice. A helpful strategy is to reflect back what you have heard, to clarify for both the person talking and yourself that you understand what they have shared.

Relationship – How do we persuade, inspire, and motivate others? These are all heart skills where we help each other find common direction. It may begin with effectively managing conflict by finding ‘good enough’ solutions, so each person feels a sense of satisfaction moving forward. Conflict resolution is not an easy task and requires the ability to have difficult and honest conversations. We often feel highly anxious prior to this type of conversation. Goleman suggests focusing on the other person and formulating what we are going to say in a way that: –

  • Can be heard and understood by the person.
  • That will not trigger the person to shut down. Our aim is for them to be receptive to what we are saying.

Emotional Intelligence is a skill set that can develop throughout our lives. It enables us to enrich our understanding of our own emotional landscape. It also supports our ability to have deeper and more mindful relationships with others.  Start with a skill you feel good at. This will give you the motivation to persevere with other skills you wish to build.

Reboot 2020

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A recent promotion of Destination NSW (Australia) has asked for a reboot of 2020. We are being encouraged to adjust our travel plans to focus on exploring destinations closer to home. With recent extended state border closures our opportunity to travel further afield has been thwarted.

Photo by Ashley Batz on Unsplash

This change was not unanticipated. Since the beginning of dealing with the pandemic we have been individually and collectively adjusting our way of life. We have been called to new actions and responses. The prolonged and fragile nature of the situation has led to some unhelpful responses such as ‘scapegoating’ individuals with recrimination or focusing on self-pity.  Whether it is government level decision making, workplace solutions or family adaption to the crisis we are all on relatively new ground and learning along the way.

Life has never been certain. Part of our humanness lies in reacting to the changing circumstances and challenges of our lives. The grief process is closely tied to this reaction. It is as individual and unique as we are. For many of us it is the personal reaction of mourning of the life and plans we had. There is a loss of innocence in the thinly veiled sense of control of our destiny. Yet loss and its lessons are part of the tapestry of life.

This pandemic and its accompanying world circumstances are far from over. There is so much going on in the background that we cannot see. Yet it is influencing how our future will play out. With no solution, such as a vaccine, a reboot process to start completely afresh is not possible. Instead we need to solidify the current strategies we are using and build courage and emotional stamina to sustain both ourselves and others. To continue to see ourselves in the catch cry – ‘We are all in this together’.

At the basic level we can concentrate on those things we can control. We can be prepared with provisions in our homes as a precautionary measure in case of future lockdown. There is a comfort in maintaining our daily routines and following the key messages for hygiene and social distancing, particularly when we are out in the community. Being kind to ourselves, ensuring a balance of exercise and adequate rest are important. Allowing emotions such as sorrow and frustration to be expressed keep us from internalizing the natural responses we have to the ebb and flow of life.

Once there is assurance in our basic physical and emotional needs being met, we can extend to higher order needs. These include: –

  • The ability for privacy – The pandemic has highlighted our need to relearn the ability to switch off from our surrounding environment. We all need times in our day when we can pause and not be accountable to others. In that time, we can allow our brain to absorb and integrate our current experiences. The practice can be as simple as taking ten deep breaths or doing some gentle stretches and movement with our body. It can also be time out in nature or taking a moment to write thoughts on paper. We all have limits on our ability to care for others. Honour your limit.
  • Receiving and giving quality attention – The person who takes time to really listen to us gives us a wonderful gift. If we can engage in mutual, deep conversation and exchange of good quality connection with others we provide a valuable support for each other.
  • Being part of the wider community – Prolonged loneliness affects both our health and life expectancy. We are meant to live in community, supported by others. Finding a kinship group of like-minded people or supportive family or friendship group is key to emotional well being.
  • Self-Worth – Having a true sense of our own value and worthiness is important for well being.  Learn to accept all that you are and forgive yourself for any past mistakes knowing we are all human and fallible. Having at least one person in your life that accepts you unconditionally allows you to relax into your authentic nature.

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t)”

James Baraz

Our current situation cannot be undone or rebooted. We are called to venture through this experience. Being mindful of what we are learning and using strategies to support our physical and emotional well being. All the best on your journey.

July 2020
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