The words ‘healing the matriarch’ encapsulate the personal growth journey I have taken over the past two years. Almost to the date, I drew a line in the sand of my life and decided it was too painful to continue in its current form. I longed for a different life, and a different me. I am a wife, mother, and grandmother – yet in the definition of all those roles I had somehow lost myself.
I had been feverishly trying to find direction. Attending courses on skills to build my self- worth, confidence and direction in life. Reading books in positive psychology. Delving into yoga and meditation. Yet I knew underneath I needed to dig back into my past to life events that had remained unresolved and unhealed. The pain of stepping out of my marriage of almost forty years was superseded by the immense pain of feeling stuck in grief and depression. Both these states were not pretty and had eaten away at my sense of worth and contentment.
A solution came by serendipity, as furniture and a short-term rental home became surprisingly available in the town of my birth. I remember the months preparing for the move feeling a sense of anticipation and calm that the Universe had my back. In reality it was awkward and uncomfortable experiencing the silence between my husband and myself, but I had an intuitive sense that my decision making was right. For the first time in a long time I was honouring and prioritizing myself.
Two things, on the day I left, remain in my memory. I made a short video expressing my feelings about the journey I was about to embark on. The woman in that video feels like a stranger, I can dimly recall her, yet I marvel at her calm and courage to act. The second memory is a feeling that the closer I travelled toward my hometown the more I felt inner peace. I had a sense I was not journeying alone, and I had my children and grandchildren waiting at my destination.
I stepped confidently into life within months of arrival. Buoyed by the familiarity of home and soothed by the family and friendship connections that were developing. I felt fitter and happier than I had in a long time. I also found I was building sufficient strength to begin working on both the possibility of repairing my marriage and resolving the inner hurts that had plagued me. Tentatively I found my life perspective and began voicing it with my husband. We had not had such open and vulnerable conversation in years.
A major source of healing was grieving the loss of my own mother and grandmother. By the time I was in my early twenties they were no longer in my life. I faced marriage and motherhood without my feminine matriarchs to guide me and share the experience. Having my own children and grandchildren around was a calming balm. I had so longed to emulate the experience I had of an available grandmother figure during my childhood. Her love seemed unconditional and she had an endless repertoire of songs and rhymes. She had become my desired role model.
As I visited my mother’s and grandmother’s graves and truly connected the memories we had shared when they were alive, my heart softened. I also saw myself as less of a victim of circumstance in life and more with a grateful heart for the part they had played and the legacy of their existence in my life.
I discovered that at the point of no longer feeling victim and stuck in my situation, that life’s lessons could be learnt. Inner courage, authenticity, self-nurturance, and appreciation of my personal qualities emerged. I was gaining clarity and future direction. I felt a confidence to let go of any outcome in my life and focus on responding as the person I had become. She too was a stranger but one I was excited to get to know.
Living during the social isolation and early lock-down of the pandemic became the impetus for stepping into establishing my blogging voice. With time and no distractions, I was able to incubate the project of creating Healing the Matriarch as a website blog. I also instigated a Facebook page and private group to allow a community of women to gather and share their wisdom and life experience.
I found my writing flowed naturally and allowed me to express my personal journey in a meaningful way. My wish is that others gain comfort and inspiration from vicariously sharing my experience. I believe that we each have the inner reserves to change what no longer works in our lives. I also marvel at the beautiful, unexpected rewards that emerged from taking conscious actionable steps toward changing my own circumstances.
Postscript: I am feeling blessed to have taken this journey. At the time of writing, I have returned to my life and marriage with a deeper appreciation of my self-worth. There is also an inner excitement for what my future has to offer.
